i need to step off or on or what ever it is before its too late

[tttrrra]

okay couple of months ago...i said i think i will die---and i wisely told to get a grip and stop romancising the drugd

i need help i dont know where-----im professional,,,married have my on business no real friends and annoymous drug problem........

but the pain of everything my wife did wont go away - she would leave if she new i took drugs she doesnt understand why i take effexor so illegal meth/cocaine or whatever is big no no for her.....we different backgrounds/countries shes pretty shes healthy shes fun....im might look ok but im on a edge

and the pain of talking about it brings so much anger and my anger is now why my wife left with my 4 kids the oldest 6 youngest 2 months......she daveated me 5 weeks ago, and i still trying to get over it....i have a bad drug problem that no one knows about...the think im mentally ill but the reason for my anger is that she lied and deiceived me for 5 months and until i discovered it all on facebook 5 weeks ago...
then it all came to a head and we had big argument resolved and that was on a sturday and by the following tuesday were prepared to move on and forward
and i rang the othe guy and told him to stay away
i told him his behaviour was totally inapoproriate and disrespcetful
he had been coming into my house for 5 months behind my back
never once did he stay to introduce himself and i was alaways told afterwards..there was big lunches i never new about in my house with this mand and i never new---looking back on my wife fb my wife turned on me too
and i never went there till five weeks ago an incident tipped me off the edge
she gave my boy...i have 3 girls..the 4th was a boy ...2 weeks after he was born i supported my wife as our boy was  circumsized the following weekend she insist i go to work that saturday morning..
10minutes after i left for work she picks up this man from the train station and i have never met or spoken to this man still and she takes him with all my kids and has religous blessing for my son---and then tells me later this man spoke for my boy and everone interpret the boy was now his and he was converting his religion
so she told me this to my face after she returned as i was unbuckling my boy from returning for the day...and literally 5 mionutes prior to that she would of dropped that man at the back at the station
she told me cause my kids would of anyway
i was gutted unbeleivable and this was the first time my boy had left the house for a major trip since rcoming home fromt the hospital---the come home 6.30pm a long day
it shattered me and still cant get over it but i have to
but anyway we reached the forgive and forget and the apology
then this man i later discover has a wife who lives in another country i docvover on fb
so...i start cut and pasting all the hidden stuff or the flirting stuff of my wife and him and email it to her
i think fair enough atleast then he might appreciate the hurt and disrepct he gave
now last saturday..5 weeks later i still havent met this gut he has beeen in my country for 5 months his wife is still not here and 2 policeman arrive to issue me with a introvention order
he wants protection and i never met him and i spoke to him once
thing is he is now friends with the other girls in my wifes socail scene through fb and well everyone else seem to meet him but me and still
5 weeks ago i said to him if i showed my friends the racial comment he made about me white boy to my friends he wouldnt be save.....so is the threat...maybe but still ive saved all this stuff thats since been deleted
so if i dont got to court the order will stand and then if i go these family bbqs that i been happily goping for the past 5 years or more and he arrives he can call the police and have me arrested if i dont leave.......
unbelievable...but its true........and to make it worse my wifes twin sister is backing him...........behind my back cause last week he mnade a posting fb...and the girl who was hosting bbq that weekend invited him and the first to comment was my sister in law...
i test her saying cmon show your sister and me and my family some respect as she knew my feelings about all this
....she never even replied back to me.....but the last point in this order is that i contacted my wife twin sister to get her to defriend her
......i mean he could only of got that from her and that wasnt true i was just asking her for respect...........and again is is for real...is that a point he wants to raise in to a judge considering what has happend


and now everyone blames me as being mentally ill and thinks im unstable----cause i wont get over it.........this order came out of the blue on saturday...the other peoplke dont respect my hurt and repect my wife no longer communicates with him..but they are close friends /girl friends

even he text me back last weekend after i text him asking what the hell you doing...he goes man you sick man you got take your pill...effexor for major anxiety disorder
well im honest when i say i dont think i did anything wrong
i have all my emails and records of me contacted his wife....i was nice to his wife cause i thought she could understand from my point of view and she would be on my side and i didnt want to hurt her necassarily other than to proof to his husband his behaviour wasnt approriate


anyway the arguments keep getting worse and worse and the trust and the lies and negativity vcombined with my hard daily hard drug use has turned me crazy ---- and my wife walked out with my 4 kids

ok today i realise i have to calm myslef and not loet any angwer out anymore and we are talking/ and going to work on it.
no one knows of my nearly year long relapse back into crack and meth accept my last employer who left 2 weeks ago saying you would be a good boss if you stayed of the crack pipe and then said something to a one of his previous lectures...so that was concerning but he came back toward the endo fo the week wanting his job back ....but i had accidently discovered the email he sent so i went right off at him...because all he did see is a crack piupe i left once in the office.....i may always be wasted and dissappear but i dont think so obviously that he new..though after a year probably did...anyway he said he was going to tell my wife bla blah later apolgoised probably mainly to get his payout...
what else...........i dont know why i cant live life without it
other than it makes me feel good and energy but i never do any work just ramble like this post..
but i feel bad like it isnt good and then stop for a few days and then start looki and order again and now i dont remeber when i last had a break and have enough for another week
im alone in a business park that is pitch black it 1am and its scary im in my office the only office with a light on...im not allowed home until i control my anger...
last night i accused her of lying and decieving me again but in hindsight i shouldnt of//but i still think she did
so help

[tttrrra]

i switched because i thought why not lets see...unbelievable i hadnt done it before this moment---but i hadnt talked to anyone away from it...i never heard it or thought --- all i thought is they killed me.....so i tried and i started imagining in my mind what if it doesnt matter really. what if it is true that actually these people dont care about the storey no matter how bad they not even read it----they just care for me my welfare and for my kids sake and wife sake i need to stop the negativity and the anger..and also these same people who would hound me for their work rang me back a few times durinjg the day-----not for updates on the storey---but to make sure i was ok and for guidance that i needed to forget all that and just focus on my family....so my thought shifted and i slowly saw they maybe i am making it worse and all my anger i take out on my poor wife..over and over the same anger and hurt,,...and i was blaming everyone but myself for the reason we couldnt move on....so during the night i realeased they were right my wife was right i couldnt believe it.......i could just let it all go...during the last 5 weeks the anger and hate was always there even if i was in a non argument    
time-the anger was always ready to explode----my wife i can now see and appreciate in hindsight was afraid of tiny thing might make me explode and i couldnt stop till i hurt so much....and then i couldnt believe i hurt that much and would say sorry literally as im saying i dont mean to hurt you like that.....
but now i realise my anger hurt and negativity was killing me and giving us no chance......it was such a weight off my shoulders to think it doesnt matter...nobody cares about the storey and if they do it still doesnt matter what matters is me my wife and my kids and nothing else matters....nothing i kept telling my self all night...then 5am i thought i test myself i thought i go to facebook and see how i go....it was a test cause the last 5 weeks i just went there looking for hurt and anger so i just went there and started looking....i new where i could find the hurt....and by now when i went looking for hurt it was just scrolling up and down and my mind smowballing it all together it was alot of hurt.
but i just looked at it for what it was......a sentence a moment in time, nothing, and if that one moment was addressed right then that moment is lost and most were nothing, and the others if they hurt it didnt really matter and maybe i deserved actually i did....some of it and some of it well it shouldnt of happened but it did and really it doesnt matter...it doesnt matter...all that mattters is love of my wife and kids.......so i keep looking and started seeing in between the hurt stuff and i found stuff that was full of fun and laughter and love and happiness and i was there in her thoughts and if i looked for what it was i found our happiness my kids happiness and found our love.....unbelievable i just dropped tha hate and anger i didnt care and if people cared i didnt care and if people thought different it didnt matter what matter was the kids

so now i havent seen the family and kids in since monday---its wednesday night we have talked on the phone and agree its still delicate but that i can come home...i ve been sitting in this chair for 48 hours doing meth and coke and im feeling tingly crampy and little shakey - i have a big moment coming in an couple of hours...maybe 8 oclock i go through the door.....but i scared i look terrible...i look ill,..........and no one knows the underlying truth

the underlying truth with ruin me and my beautiful family
i cant reveal that truth to my wife she will be devasted and leave as its not something she would ever tolerate.
i am going to stop i just need to survive have a shower and sleep and move forward for my kids i have to.. I wish i felt better so i can arrive with some flowers and give a hug and a kiss but i feel like a the low life druggie i am.its so bad i just cant do it.
i must stop now.

[tttrrra]

but greatful he atleast was there....but i keep asking do you read this bit what about that bit and did you get your wife to translate this bit....he was calm and answered not in a way that would lead him to say man you got to stop this for the sake of you....and i understood a little but i want him to join me in anger...
then during the day to work aquaintenance ive known for a long time rang --they normally hound me to finish there jobs..and today was no different..but i new em well enough and i thought it was finished that my wife left with the 4 kids so i gave em the storey...but as soon as they got a grasp there focus was on caring for me...work stopped....i keep going on about the story....they kept saying you got to stop this negativity whether its real or not itll kill you....still i thought thet my storey was killing me

then i had another argument over phone and text with my wife, and again my anger and negativity exploded and she was accusing me of being ill, mentally ill, i was saying it was her who made me mentally ill...she just said she wanted the old me back....she keep saying i am destroying myself with all this negativity, i say its you you cause all this not me....then went to my office and it seemed lost i could get over that she couldnt give me that it was her....but i was think of the 2 friends i rarely speak to who talked about the negativity, man get rid of the negativity it'll kill you destroy you and it kind of clicked then with what my wife was saying.....and so i had to think, that maybe maybe it could be me. they were all sayin the same thing 3 different people who didnt know each other the storey was gone the negativity around it all had formed and massive bomb that would explode at the tinest thing....it had been building and building with 5 weeks of pain...and everywhere i looked i kept digging...digging for hurt, digging for hurt to hurt myslef and then later the same hurt i will add more to it...it was so huge.....my wife was right, i was killing myself with all this negativity...she had been telling me that for a week maybe more----but i couldnt accept it----i thought it was her way out to blame me....but then2 others said the same thing and all they cared about was me i literally started to see if this was true...and i sat here as i do now and i like flicked a switch

[tttrrra]

my wife has moved back to the office we made big progress and we i have finally realised that i was carrying all this hate and anger....unbelievably ive just let it go...i dont care about any of it---before i couldnt believe noone understood my side understood my pain --- and cause of that i was angry and hurtful and it wouldnt go away
now unbelievable the words of some didnt want to hear my storey that didnt care about my storey but i had to let people know the truth of what was happeniong...let them know myside of the storey--because i thought now it was over but atleast they will get the truth...........and you know what these people did...these people didnt want to know the storey they didnt care for the storey---they cared only about me nothing else--they seemed so brief at first...call me now you need to talk to me......i was no i got to tell all of my storey...but for 5 hours or more he kept asking me to call me...pick up your phone where are you....i kept typing till it was all out relieved that atleast someone might understand my anger....then i look for my phone...and he was still trying to ring me...so i answered releaved myside of the storey be known......but he was calm and quiet and was there, there for me, he was worried for me....he didnt care about the story he care about me...and i was appreciative...but then i still hadnt got it

[spider6]

Never apologize for speaking your truth or asking for help.  You are worth much more than that.  Now it's time for you to start believing that.  You have to start seeing your situation as it really is.  Put yourself in your wife's shoes and imagine having to be her and deal with you and your drug issues and all that it brings to the table.  She knows she can't force you to quit...you admit it.  I always say, we all have a right to "wallow" or "feel sorry" for ourselves when life throws us a sh*tball BUT that time needs to be brief; or it overtakes and burdens you that much more trying to get yourself "up" and moving.

I am 184days clean today and I have to tell you that my husband couldn't even look at me for years before I got clean; the disgust and contempt for me on his face was brutal!   And.....I wallowed in self pity over and over and over about it.......the pain was excruciating for me.  Now things are different, they're not 100% better by any means and what I'm going to say might surprise you but, now! when I have to deal with him being cruel or indifferent , I don't "wallow" F*ck no!   I get angry and It just makes me want to show him I deserve better.  When I was doing drugs, I'd just want to go do more drugs when he made me feel bad.  Wtf man, why the h*ll was I punishing me? Uh uh!  
You need to get to a place where you like yourself and can have some self pride.  But first you need to start being honest with someone there that can help you, preferably a physician.

You need to do some research on what these drugs are doing to your mind too hon, have you ever done that?  That was a big thing for me while I was using.....My brain just didn't work the same anymore and it was really scaring me.

Just call a physician then flush your drugs. Prayers for strength.

[tttrrra]

thanks for wading through - i apologize for going on...i should of been more brief...like help....i know the answer....i have to help myself...........im like i cant change i can stop...but how did get rid of the life long romance thoughts how.
they are always there and never go away.....and the better i feel and the healthier i am then i feel the closer i am to go back...now i have got one week supply left...not good i need to stop now.
but say i have a good sleep and meal and a day or so...i will be back at work and a line of meth will help..i cant throw it away

[spider6]

Hi there and welcome back.  Man, you have got your plate full friend!  
First off, congrats on bringing yourself back to the forum for help.  I'm very glad you are here again.  I was reading your past posts and came to notice that I was the last person that replied to your posts early January.  I also noticed that I may have come off a little harsh.  I'd just like you to know that I have felt and acted exactly like you at some of my lowest points in my life. Friend, I tell you honestly from my soul, this way of working through your emotional pain; with self pity and fatalistic romanticizing WILL be the death of you.  I feel terrible for you that your life path has taken you to experience these hardships and heartaches.  Life certainly can seem very unfair sometimes,

Your best course of action to help yourself now is to get medical support for stopping these drugs.  You will be able to handle what's going on around you  so much easier with a clear mind. Your mind can't possibly be functioning well right now.

I know it's hard to hear but you have played a part in the "fall" of your surroundings and it's time to own up to it and take positive action for yourself.  That's the only way to salvage your future relationship with your family.  This is your rock bottom friend, acknowledge it and start climbing back up to reality.  

I don't have experience with your doc but someone else here will be able to guide you.  This is an awesome place to be for help and I pray you get it.  Keep posting and reading.  You have my support.....I pray for your strength.