im awake and not happy

[bama88]

I didn't use yesterday. i came close. very close. i still am upset at my husband. and yes he tried to set me up...he said he feel weak and wanted me to join him. i got the truth out of him. i wanted to punch him in his nose....but i just turned my back on him. what a ( insert whatever cursing words you want).

He's so selfish to want to keep me down.Mr toxic. i can't live this way anymore...Im so mad. he won't leave. so i will. I am gonna make a plan. I've got to escape this life. i want to be sane. i want to he free..this is not living. not love. because someone who loves you stands by you...he wants to poison me. with love. or so i think. he wants me to use again because Im such a good con to my doctors. he cantt get what i can...Im not bragging. i just get whatever i want. always have. that's the problem. i don't know no. if you tell me no. i push harder.  for Pete sakes Im a salesperson....no is just an objection to me. its not final. lol.  and to tell you the truth. those tabs wouldn't have been worth it. unless i take 20. seriously. and when my healthy brain over rules sick brain...that's a deadly amount. too much tylenol. and i am attached to my liver....when i would take that amount my back would hurt...and i finally put two and two together. Or if i was having a good day. ten. and i thought well bama....you can take some. but when your out you'll get sick again. do you like being sick?? i don't like being sick. do you??  so i grinded out my day. i felt like someone put me in a grisk mill....i was the corn. lol.

Mom and i talked about this....her husband enables her to drink. mine gives me pills...were both in boats will holes in them. boats that all eventuAlly sink.

So plan b is in place. she likes it here....were gonna move in together. a sober house. the two of us. i haven't broke the news. either has she. but for the first time i see what i am up against. she sees what she is up against. bad husbands. i can't live my life on pills. i know that. i will die from them. its a thousand wonders i haven't died. i think my purpose is to beat these pills were and show others the real face of addiction. and how to recover. if all i am remmetered for is beating this beast and showing one person it can be done....well that will make me happy. if i can prevent one person from walking this dark path....great. my hero is Sarah and vikki....they have escaped and i think jaybird and and many others. but mostly Sarah and vikki....you two keep this girl on track mostly Sarah. your my big sister....you make ke think. and i want what you've got....clean time.

Guys Im scared i don't know alone. i don't do alone. yet i can't live this life. Im tired. beat up. banged up. And sad. very sad. i have tried to justify j using again. but when he left that big bottle in my face....i don't know anymore.

I didn't use. it was. the hardest day I've had so far...I've been told GOD won't put more on us than we can bear...but my back is breaking. and i don't have back problems. my back is strong. get this load is killing me.

help bama please. tell me Im doing the right thing by leaving.

[dominosarah]

I dont care what J does bama.  I care about you.  When are you going to start caring..... about you?  This isnt about who does what or who does more.  This is about your life and living.  I am fully aware this is easier said than done but when you have had enough of this insanity you will do something about it.  I just hope you figure this out before you go down.  It all comes down to choices.  Make the right one.....sara

[Addicted2long]

I just read through this all again and i think what forgottenaick said a few posts above is so accurate. You really are on a sinking ship and if don't help yourself now this could end really bad. I don't know if ud be able to stop soon and this could be a really bad relapse. Please cancel the script at the pharmacy u don't need that in the back of your head. U are just having a rough couple days and the stress is building on u. U sound like a different person than the bama I once knew. I know you and I know ur stronger than giving in to his nonsense.just really think back and remember how bad the using life is. U talk about the using days way to positively. U say that life was easier but it really wasn't. That's why u came here for help things were terrible when u were using. Nothing is easy about going to 5 doctors and worrying about having enough pills for a fix. Thata a nightmere. U don't want to go back to that life and think about how tough this is on ur kids. Its going to be hard enough for y'all to leave J let alone them watching there mother be sick again. That's not fair to them. U got me to where i am today all those times we talked on the phone and on here u were my guidance. You are the one i look up to and when i was struggling u pulled me thru. U know that u are just having a bad week and life normally isn't this bad. It will get better. The pills won't make this any easier. Uve got alot of friends here rooting for u. Don't let us down bama. That's not u. Ur too strong for this. Please hang in there and make the move and leave J. Like someone said above ull be kicking yourself u didn't do it earlier. It will make ur life so much easier. Hang in there kid. Peace n love,  dragon slayer

[Sharon0255]

Bama you are an emotional wreck and this stress is deadly. I'm confused about the script too. You're in such a state which is not your fault but one of your posts says J is offering you pills and then you say you are asking and he's yelling at you and denying you them it doesn't make sense you're in rough shape. I know the script on hold is not your DOC but as Vicki said you are in a bad way. You've always been here for me so I'm trying to help and I understand your anger and Vick is right he's jealous but so are you whether it's conscious or not I would be jealous if my spouse was active and torturing me the way it sounds like J is doing to you. I've read through this thread a few times and I'm very concerned for you. Please keep posting not sure what your aftercare is but whatever it is double up on it and keep posting. Sharon

[vicki595]

J. Is really jealous of you now and it's making him nuts!

Now, what's going on with that rx? You canceled it?  I'm worried about it. It shouldn't be on hold...And how is it you can refill that?  The doctors are aware of your issues with pain meds.  Well, just get rid of your rx for good; none of this " on hold " stuff!

Big hug to you...

[forgottensick]

That is not living. That is exisisting in a daze.

[bama88]

Bamas day. wake up at six am get daughter out the door....clean up. get ready for the day....go to work at 11 30 am.....til 8 30. maybe swing by pool at night. or come home....clean up. do some laundry.... go to bed midnight.

Js day. wake up at six. or seven or maybe later.. take a handful of pills.....go to work. get off at 3 maybe 4....another handful of pills.....take daughter to therapy. three days a week....get her dinner. or mom cooks....come home at six. another handful.....a sleeping pill or two....crash at 8.... get up do it again.

Weekend. well nod out. or hide in bedroom.
Add arguing and being miserable to the mix.

What kind of life is that??

See where Im at. i do everything. and mom helps me. what does he do?? moan and groan. who's selfish here

[forgottensick]

  bama, your boat is sinking. On that boat is you,your kids, and him. He seems to want to go down with the ship and feels ok with that. He has to want to save himself. Your kids are on that boat with you. Do they deserve to go down too?  Your mom has thrown out a life raft for you and your kids, but it is up to you to decide if it means more to you to lose everything in your life trying to save somebody who doesn`t want saved, or does it mean more to save what you can so you can be there to pick up the pieces later IF that is what you want to do. Nothing is going to change unless YOU make it happen. Once you are away from the drama and stress, you will feel better, you will be able to think clearer, and you will know that your kids will be proud of you. Kids are smarter than we adults give them credit for. They know what is happening. I`m sure they want out of that situation as much as you do, maybe even more. If he really loves you, then he will quit too. He needs that wakeup call. Trust me when I say life is too short to waste your time and love on somebody that doesn`t feel the same for you. It took me 4 marriages to find my soulmate. I loved the others and thought life wouldn`t go on without each one of them. The hard part isn`t leaving. The hard part is after you have left when you realize you should have done it long before you did and how much time you wasted trying to make something happen that wasn`t meant to happen. You aren`t alone either. We are here for you. You know what you have to do. Quit putting it off and just do it. You deserve to be happy AND healthy. Most of all, your kids deserve more and you are they only one who can make it happen.

[bama88]

Easier said than done Sarah. somehow i knew it was coming to this...woman's intuition. at least ill be out of his drama.

Out of curiosity i asked him for some....i had no intention of using. i got ky ears blasted..... how we can't share pills...wtf ?? this is the same man that begged me to stay on the oxycontin 60s...so he can have more.

I've thought about this morning for awhile. and now i see how selfish he is. I've cancelled that script. talked to my pharmacy. he's got them on hold. don't get md started. and again....tabs aren't my thing. i wish they were. they sure were for a long time. but not now. id have to take 20. and i know that will hurt my back and give me a headache.

I know i shouldn't have asked him for some. but i wanted to see if he'd share.

And he turned to me. and said remember. your perfect. you quit. i need them. i hurt. I've got to work. blah blah blah....

Well i hurt too. and i went and had surgery. i asked him how long are you going to put off that shoulder surgery??  how long can you live this way??  
My knees are wrapped up in braces. patches on them. ice picks shooting down my right knee into my shin bone. heating pad on them.

And Im not all geeked up. nope. not me....Im not saying Im better than him. LORD. knows Im not. but he took six or eight tabs and two morphine pills??  

and still hurt?? come on give me a break. he is still chasing a buzz.

[dominosarah]

The fear of the unknown is always scary bama but many great things are figured out once we step out and go for it.  Dont be afraid~~

[Sharon0255]

I'm here for you Bama those pills at the pharmacy sound scary. I think Sarah has a point take care of you. The pills took me again and here I am on day 1 as you said back to square one but I'm here and I'm trying again.

[bama88]

She put them on hold. i don't want them. and Sarah i don't know what Im doing. Im just doing. i think a breather will he good for me. its torture. and j doesn't see where i am at. and i am not super woman. i am mighty mouse.

I just want to find me. and focus on me. not him. me. when Im at work or by myself. i like me. Im somebody special. i am me. around him..well....i don't like that person. the one that fixes everyone else's problems. i have problems too. my needs are not being met.

Im just scared. i don't know any other way. if that makes sense....i feel like Im on the edge of a burning building with everyone telling me to jump. yet i am scared to jump.

Im playing too many what ifs

[onthefence]

Hi, hang in there and do what you have to do, this is survival!
the future is not known , but much better clear headed.He might even come around after he see's how strong you are, and use you for his inspiration, and if you have moved on he will never forget that life lesson.

pills seem to make some ppl very uptight in a passive /agressive sort of way (me) and very harsh with words, but its really fear........

[dominosarah]

What are you really holding together here?  You are miserable, your hubby is miserable and wants you to join him in the misery, you have pills at the pharmacy calling your name.....Wasnt your mom going to take care of that yesterday?  You gotta save yourself bama.  You cant save your hubby.  He is a grown man and has to save himself.  I hate to be the one to tell you this but you arent superwoman!  Now get off your butt and come out fighting for you.  

[bama88]

Im here guys. got thru the morning turmoil. lol. and played a.t.m. again. i have to do everything. and i am so tired. i do it all. i feel like a piece odd cement cracking in an earthquake. i am very shakey today.  yesterday i left work early. Im off today. moms signing a lease. she picked out a place.

I haven't told j Im leaving. can't find the words. but this morning i watched him down a handful of pills to turn around and offer me. when i didn't take any....well he told me he has too. for work. and i will eventually too. i want to. i hurt. in the bone. my ice pick has came back. my pills are at the pharmacy on hold. but i can't bring myself to pick them up. i don't know what to do. i am completely numb. paralyzed. fear. sad. ashamed. fear

what happened to my life?

Before that stupid wreck. we were doing great. never ever took anything. nothing. i had coke days before i met him. he helped clean me up. in 90. i never thought id be here......not with him.

Do you know how hard it is to wAtch someone you love do this?? maybe you do. most likely not.

And the arguing. zeesh. i feel lost. my life was easier on pills. i think. but now. I've changed. i want something else. Im so alone.

I do everything anyways. so what is the reason i stay? i know he will fall apart without me. and that scares me. i can't hold all this together anymore.  too many balls in the air. one of them is gonna drop

[forgottensick]

hey bama.. I hope today is a better day for you.  

[Bkitty]

I read thru all this Bama,,,sending love and hugs to ya sweetie. I am so sorry. Love ya ((xoxo)) ~Bkitty

[minn66]

Hi bama, just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today.

Hugs,

Your friend,

Minn

[forgottensick]

hey bama.. I was wondering if you two have ever been straight together or have you been getting high together from the start. I can`t help but think that if he really loves you, why wouldn`t he want you to be healthy and clean?  You seem to have such a good heart, so why would he want you to fail?  I think that getting away from eachother is the right thing to do. Maybe he will realize what he had is worth saving and he will also get clean. I sound to me like he is the weak one and the only way he can condone his failure is to make you fail too so he can place the blame on you. Getting clean is a personal choice that can only be made the the person getting clean. Otherwise it won`t last. He has to be the one to decide if he wants to get clean or keep getting high. You can`t make that choice for him. He has to do it for himself just like you have to do it for your self. The differance is that you have more than yourself to think about. I have to believe that if he REALLY wants to get clean and if he REALLY loved you, he would be trying harder to get clean instead of tempting you like he did. You need to do this for yourself and your kids. If you are weak, it shows your kids that it is ok to be weak. Show your kids how to be strong so they can get their strength from you. If he really loves you, he`ll understand and will get clean too. If he doesn`t, then you will know that you have been wasting your time and it is ok to move on. When things feel right in your life, everything else will fall into place. Do what YOU need to do for YOU. He is a big boy and needs to figure out what HE wants in life.
  

[ricart70]

Just don't use today   over this   that is all you need to worry about at this moment in time

[Sharon0255]

Bama so sorry that you're in so much turmoil. All I can do is offer you support. Try and breathe and know that we are all hear for you. Break it down to one minute if you have to. We can do anything for one minute. Try not to think in terms of forever just for right now. Just like you tell me love yourself girl! Our own minds are toxic enough you have come to a fork in the road and God will give you the strength and courage and we will give you support. Xo Sharon

[whoa1]

When I read your post yesterday @ him leaving the pills on the stand in front of you, somehow I just felt that was some kind of breaking point for you.  I'm kind of in the same boat, married to an alcoholic, while I'm stuck on "the devil's candy"..exactly what it is..we are both sinking, but I'm not even sure I want him clean or not..The veil of smoke & mirrors keeps me stuck in a situation because I've let myself become weak & dependent on him when I used to be the one that made the "big money" so to speak.  But now I depend on him & it's a lousy feeling.  You are at least able to support you & your children (don't know your details)..but don't let him keep the rest of your life in chains.  By reading your post just now, I was practically cheering you on.  When you used the expression "Clean Time"..it sent a chill thru me for some reason.  A simple expression that means so much.  If he loves the pills more than you, it will be hard to be alone at first, but then you never know..you might just like it.  If you're in Bama, I'll be cheering you on from Fla..Stay strong, you can do it.

[dominosarah]

I am right here bama...

I know this is a very tough situation you are in but you have to save yourself now.  You are running out of time girl.  You have to do what is best for YOU.  At this point it doesnt matter what he will see and what he wont.  It matters what you need to do to stay clean.  Many times we find out we were more alone living with someone.  Sit down and make a list of pros and cons of staying together and another list of living in seperate homes, you will be amazed at the outcome.  Usually leaving someone isnt recommended for the 1st year but this is way to toxic.  This also doesnt mean things will end in divorce.  You have to get your life sorted out and with pills staring at you day in and day out this wont happen.  Your pain level may even get better.  You gotta walk thru this pain bama, going around it isnt the way to go.  Using is NOT an option.  Let yourself feel your emotions, you wont rust or melt if you cry!  Emotions are a good thing, it means you are feeling again.  Focus on the journey, not the destination and if you dont have time to be sick, make the time to be well~~

[vicki595]

"I'm just an ATM machine".   HAHAHAHAHAHA. Now that's funny!!

Listen, that sober house is a great idea. Time to think about YOU and a little time away from the toxicity you live with daily...

I'm behind you!!   Just stay strong and look ahead because you're thinking clearer than you ever have!     xoxo

[Addicted2long]

Hey bama..all the times we've talked I never said this because I was happy at the time u were both getting clean.but I agree that the two of u together are a toxic combo and i don't see it possible for u both to remain clean yoegther. Its 99% harder for someone to try and get clean with someone else. This is why rehabs usually don't allow couples and don't allow phone calls for awhile. They know that relationships bring weakness to recovery and one person will always bring down another. When i was using I never wanted to do it alone id call a buddy over and give him free dope to get high with me. All the times I did that I messed up Alot of people's lives and got them addicted too on the devils candy. I know there was love between u two but. Right now this isn't love. Your in an abusive relationship because he is torturing u for being good! Your the one doing the right thing and he's making u the guilty one here..i don't think so! Its time for bama to prove to herself.him and your kids that u mean biz and enough is enough. U need to Leave and worry about u. A sober person. Being around someone using everyday is a disaster waiting to happen. Free yourself of this insanity and find peace. I know how hard its going to be but this may be what's best for him. He needs a waken up call. I hope everything works out and i pray for u. If u need anything u know my number. U got this bama ur so strong and uve come so far. Don't give in now! I count on u to be strong for us. Please do the right thing. A2L