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i'm back

well it is me again...i don't know if anyone remembers me but i sure hope someone does.....my b/f has once again admitted (only after i busted him) that he has not been clean for the last 2 months.....although i believe it is way longer than that.....he left 6 months ago on the 27th of the month for rehab and he was gone for 19 days and i am not sure he has a whole 30 days clean since he came home....yeah i have believed him and tried my hardest to trust him but today i got a call from one of his drug dealers while i was at work basically saying that the next time some one sees him they are going to "take care of him"b/c he supposedly owes some guy 600.00......his DOC is loritab and he takes anywhere from 25-30 a day........that was at his worst and i don't really know what he takes now....

i have been to the family couseling and i go to the meetings for families and i have all but basically left him....i look past the addiction and i see it as a disease and i know that he doesn't wake up every morning and just figure out who and how he can hurt someone next............i don't take if personal any more but i just hate the lying.........i mean if i know you have spent money on drugs b/c people are calling me and i confront you with it then why don't you just tell me the damn truth so that together we can solve the problem??????

i am so done with this....or that is what i say at least........we are suppose to be getting married on 06/06/09 and now i don't even know if i want to marry this man..............my mom just died on 03/28/09 and i found out on 04/02/09 that i need to have my ovaries removed b/c of cancerous cysts and now i find out once again that the man i am suppose to marry is still using???????  WTF!!!!!!!

GOD i just need someone anyone to just talk me into a sane state of mind.............i know the majority of people on here are addicts and that is totally fine b/c obviously people who don't take drugs don't understand what i am feeling or why i even stay with this man...................hell, i don't even know why i stay with him but for whatever reason God has put us together and for the life of me - no matter how mad or upset i am with him........when i look at him all i feel is LOVE and i just want him to be healthy and clean...............

but how?????
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Avatar_f_tn
Bless your heart...I can see you are trying so hard..My oldest son drug his wife to hell and back..doc meth. She hung in there a long time...I finally helped her pack his S***. They had a baby 5 months at the time she was done...He was getting to bad..it was getting unsafe..I may be overstepping here...but hon, take a step back..You have just lost your Mom, you need surgery...you have major problems on your own..My sons wife was soooo CRAZY about him..but enough was enough..I really respect her for finishing it..taking care of herself and my grandson. Sometimes no matter how much we love someone, its just not the cure...He has to want it for himself..Please take care of yourself..Keep posting..Wish I could help..Good Luck
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Avatar_n_tn
thank you for your words of encouragement......he stayed up the hill with his parents last night........the whole family lives on a HUGE piece of land with our house across the yard from his parents and they are definitely on my side when it comes to wanting him to be clean.......he is allowing his mom to take him to work and pick him up for the next however long i guess........that way he won't have the means to stop for drugs in the morning or on the way home....he says he is going to close his bank account and bring his paychecks home for me to cash and pay his bills (but i will believe that when it happens)..........i do understand that once he gets to the point where he is now that he is not able to "just say NO" to the drugs.........and some times he seems so sincere when he is saying that he wants to stop...............

the only thing i know is this........my whole life i have made wrong decisions and NO ONE ever stood by me.......people who claimed to be my friends left me and i have had no relationship at all with any of my siblings and since my mother died they have even been more hateful to me.........so i once again have cut everyone out of my life and for some strange reason i feel as though my purpose is to help my fiance through this struggle...........i just can't walk away as long as he is still willing to try..............yeah he f**ks up ALOT but at the end of the day he has a disease and if he was diagnosed with cancer i wouldn't just walk away..............i just know that i have been down and out and i had absolutely no one to turn to and i just wanted someone, anyone to be there to help me even though sometimes i didn't see that i needed help myself and i guess the old saying "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" just really rings clear with me...........i would want and hope that if the shoe were on the other foot and this was me going through this terrible thing that he and his family would stick by me and help me..............i guess i still believe in miracles and i still believe that God can fix everything and everyone..............right now all i can do is pray and take care of myself...........he is going to not be feeling the greatest over the next several days as he will be going through withdrawals so until that passes neither one of us will be doing much talking.............i really just want some time for myself to lick my wounds and let things settle down.......i usually do make rush decisions and those are usually wrong so i am just going to slow down and take it one minute at a time.........i love him and i love his family and they have taken me in and given me something inside that i have never had before and i am not ready to give that up.........

keep me and our family in your prayers...........please
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271792_tn?1334983257
Hi Hun!

Welcome back and I wish it were under better circumstances. I can hear the pain in your posts.

You have so much to gain and so much to lose and only you can make the decision.

It sounds that you have done and are still doing what you need for you with respect to counseling and learning about the disease of addiction. You compared the disease of addiction to cancer. Cancer patients can recover, addictions are never recovered. We live with this disease every day and it is our choice to be a using addict or a "recovering" addict, but never recovered.

You know that he has to want this and he does not sound ready. So the only one with a clear head here and able to make a decision is you. You have so much going on right now and it pains me to see you go through this as well. My heart goes out to anyone who lives with an active addict.

Please give this some thought and do what is best for you. I will keep you in my prayers. Please let us know how you are doing.

Take care.


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Avatar_n_tn
i compare addiction to the disease of cancer b/c really once you have had cancer you are ALWAYS and will ALWAYS be either a cancer patient OR in remission, which is basically what an addict is during their clean time.........i know that the decision to stay or go is mine..........i have been down this road with him before..........i lived with him for 1 year and moved out in november 2007 b/c he had gotten so bad that all i could do was walk away.....we were apart for 7 months - no contact and i only saw him 1 time during the 7 months seperation and then out of the blue he started calling and i saw him one time on June 1 2008 and we have been inseperable every since..........there wasn't one day that i was away from him that i didn't grow to love him even more..........we have been through alot together and not all of it has been bad and not all of it has been about his disease.............on the days that he is sober he is the most caring, kind hearted, loving, generous man in the world and even on the days he has used he is still the most loving man to me.............other than this terrible disease he is perfect to me and i want him to be a part of my life.......i have been without him and it sucked big time ---- neither of us was happy when we were apart.........his mom, dad, grandparents and sister have all said that our getting back together has been better than anything.........i know that he is strong enough to get through this.......i really believe in him and sometimes maybe that is all one person needs is someone to just believe in them........i know that i would never turn my back on anyone that i truly love..............i just want him to believe in himself but it may be too late for that and it may be to late for us..........i guess only time will tell..............i guess the difference with how i see things with him is that i really don't look past today.............if i can have him just 1 day and him not use then that is totally worth it to me.........just one day.............i understand that with this disease it is very hard for any addict to even see one hour much less one day but i have to believe that the system works b/c there are so many recovering addicts out there..........i definitely know that there are people in this world that are in much worse situations than i am.........i mean after all my fiance does love me and he does provide for me --- i am not abused and i do not lack for anything that i need to survive and that right there is saying alot.............maybe God has a plan for me that i just have not seen yet........if i can help just one person through sharing what i am going through then that too will be worth it...............right now i just want to "be still" and not think about one way or the other.......to leave or to stay.............i just want to "be"

i have so much to share and i feel all bottled up but no decision that i would make right this minute would make any of that go away so all i can do is exactly what i am doing..........and i should be content........so that is what i will focus on..........being content and happy in spite of my circumstances..........
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Avatar_n_tn
just wanted to give an update.........on may 1, 2009 i sat down with my fiance and his parents and basically said that we have 2 options..........1) that for the next 90 days i will be in complete charge of everything that goes on in fiance's life.......money, cell phone, he is being taken and picked up from work and that when he goes to meetings someone will drive him and pick him up OR i am out of it and he can continue to do what he is doing and eventually he will die.............my fiance has chosen to allow me to handle everything for 90 day probation period..........i know to some of you this may sound crazy but my fiance has not been sober for more than the 16 days he was in rehab since he was 19 years old and he is now 26!  he does not have the mental capacity to "just say no" to the drugs that he so obviously craves...........he can not be trusted right now to not stop on the way to work and the way home and buy and use...........and he knows it and he wants to stop but once he gets to the point where he is now (as all of you addicts know exactly what i am talking about) he just can not make himself stop = there has to be a DRASTIC change in order for him to not use...............he was taking 60 + loritab 10's a day.................he has to take a minimum of 20 just to get the "buzz" and b/c of that fact he has discovered that he can get high off of them but he also knows that this rate he will not last long before it is more than 20 or 30 or whatever.............it is only going to get worse...........

yesterday we had a bad storm and the electricity was out for 2 hours and he and i just talked..........we have not done that in such a long time...........we talked about our wedding (which is in 33 days) we talked about our honeymoon and he shared with me that what makes it so hard for him to "want to" stop using this time is the fact that he can still get that "high" and he likes that feeling...........even though that hurt and scared me to hear i acknowledged the fact that these are his feelings and that he is being honest about it.........he likes the "high" and before he can ever begin to cease using he is going to have to face that head on and honestly i don't know how to work on that but i know that we will try together..................

i want to ask for everyones prayers during this time..........but i just have to believe that there is something to this 90 DAY thing..............i just believe that until he can abstaine long enough to get some mental clarity that i have to be in 100% control of what he does and where he goes..............i know that it is his disease and he has to be in control of wanting to get clean and stay clean.......but if he doesn't know how to do that then it is up to me as his partner to allow him to lean on me and my strength and my knowledge until he can learn to do it on his own.

i think it was unfair of me (and his family) to just assume b/c he went to rehab that he came out knowing the tools to gain sobriety and knowing how to apply those tools to his life and circumstances b/c honestly all he knows is how to be f***ed up - all he knows how to do is function on a day to day basis by using pills...........he is like a baby right now and he has to learn to live and function without the pills and it takes much longer than 16 - 19 days in rehab.................

together he and i will work this and i will keep posting to let you know how we both are doing...........today i feel amazing b/c right now i know my fiance has not taken one pill since friday may 1, 2009...............he has really been doing well with the w/d's and he has been very positive...............i will cheer him on and i will never leave him as long as he is working towards being clean...............................

anyone out there got any ideas on how i can work with the "payday loan" companies that he has gotten money from........right now he has 5 payday loans out and i am sure they are all for $500.00 -- there may be more but that is what i know about right now...........his parents are NOT paying them all off this time (yeah they have in the past) we are going to have to come up with a way to maybe get some payment arrangements.......but i don't know at this time what can be done........if anyone out there has any advice i would LOVE to hear it.

thansk and God bless you all!
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