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im sooo down tonite....
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im sooo down tonite....

i feel like sht tonite its like i feel like such a loser which ive never really felt like at least not in this way or because of what im bout to say, im sure its not big deal to many of u but is to me. ok well lil bit ago i found out that all my friends were having our annual fantasy draft which we do every year before the start of football season, i was the one who got it started like 5/6 yrs ago and i find out from a buddy who isnt in the draft that there all overe at the guys house who has it every year doing it and noone called me to tell me or anythng lke that in fact ive been asking a few of em whn it was and they all say i dnt kno blah blah blah stuff so i tried calling them and texting them and no one was answering  my cals or texts im sure there all over there talking saying like oh its him and im not answering and stuff like that and for me to sit here thinking that thee doing that really makes me feel like complete sht and i can honestly say for the first time in id say my whole life i feel like a loser i have always ben pretty popular but after tonite i feel like a loser i kno its not a big deal to u all but im really down and it made me realize that i dont have any true friends and tht hurtsalot these are the same group of friend tht i told a lil over a year ago tht i have a problem and from that day i told em last year not ONE of em have ever called texted or emailed me asking how i was or anythn like that so i guess i shouldnt be surprised who knows mayb im just feeling srry for myself. but the only thng ive been able to thnk about since this happaned was to go get sum meds and i already been making calls so its just matter of time so there goes like around a month of clean time but i just cant stop thnking about how pisssed i am so sry to waste ur all time wth this but just had to do somethn cuz i was going crazy
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27 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
Writing a post to vent your feelings is a very valid method of dealing with everything. Tossing a month of clean time because of some fake football and phony friends does not seem valid.  There are many psychological implications of your actions......but they all approach self destructive behavior. Very negative to sit around and imagine what they might be saying about you - or might not. Why not spend a few minutes and figure out why your first thought as a step to deal with your friends is to get some meds after a month without them and year of dealing with them?  Not sure where you are, but I personally like to blow something up or do some shooting if I feel like you express.........
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Avatar_m_tn
yea i agree its not necessarly the football its just the whole thng like i dont kno cant really explain it i mean like i said ive never been like this ive always been like the life of the party and alot of friends and i dont kno im just down on myself who knows.
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Avatar_f_tn
Dont sound like they were real friends after all...listen to Eagle...dont throw a clean month away.....it just aint worth it...Hang in...post often....
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452063_tn?1324078516
I'm so sorry that you are feeling so down. I would feel really bad if my "friends" did that to me. Eagle is right. Don't sit by and imagine negative things and go out and find new friends. That would be a better solution than using. Are you going to NA? You can get real friends there that will help you stay clean. DO NOT USE. You will only live to regret it. It can only take you downhill. Hold on and fid a meeting near you first thing tomorrow. Sometimes when we make it through these tough times we come out stronger and better from them. Don't use. Find a new and better solution and don't let negative people control you to the point of using. I'm glad that you posted. I don't think you really want to use. DON'T.....Corey
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Avatar_m_tn
Finding real and true friends is not an easy thing to do. As time goes people you thought were friends will show their true colors given the chance. Those that are will always be there for you, those that are not will just use you and kick you to the curb when you have nothing left to offer them. No matter how old you are it hurts when you do get kicked though. Sometimes though people realize what a friend you really are and do come back. If these guys were ones you partied with you prob make them a bit uncomfortable now and that is ok. You will find new friends and I am sure at least one will prove to be someone you can count on.

You are not a loser.
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199177_tn?1332183097
Going and getting some drugs isn't going to hurt anybody but you .It wont make them feel bad you will be the one that feels bad .I know dealing with feelings is REALLY hard when you have gone so long being numb .My first reaction was the first time it happened to me was to use but I didnt I realized I was going to have to learn to live again and deal with sadness and depression almost like a kid learning to ride a bike I got threw it . So will you don't give up your wroth its not work it.
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654560_tn?1331858181
I believe what eagle said rings true       where you are at with your recovery process? There will be many hic-ups in your life as you continue to stay clean. If you are going to throw away your clean time at least pick a more worthy cause. I feel like you are suffering from the age old "I'll show you F****me.I know thats a lously way to speak but so many times I have seen people go back out over a resentment. They used dope over what someone had done or said and as they were relasping the other person stayed clean.Don't allow these do do heads to live rent free in your mind use the tools of recovery and get yourself free from all this.


You have worked hard to put together your clean time and only You decide what you're going to do with it...................I hope you make the right choice and choose recovery
Good Luck...Debra   I am an addict
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401095_tn?1351395370
u r feeling a bit isoalted...i did as well at this point during the aftermath of quitting..what it is tho is u have been not getting out like u used to..but ur nrg will return..and u will socilaize again..now if the fantasy football friends r users then u may need to skip this season..if not ..join in...depression and kinda stayin in more than usual was part of this for me...but i got back out   and u will too..hang tight
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230262_tn?1316649534
plzz listen to the other posters above, Jt!!  and listen buddy, Ive been trying to get a football pool going here (read the social side if you havent already). I would love to see you get in on the NFL pool here.  I also wish someone coiuld put together a fantasy football league here too. Its just too complicated for me to orchestrate though. Im sure someone here could do it though, if so inclined. How about you? Could you do that? Theres a LOT Of NFL fans here in our forum and it would be alot of fun!
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230262_tn?1316649534
PS...you dnt want gizzy comin after you do you?? he is traveling the states right now as we speak, buster. You want him knockin on your door? lol
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Avatar_m_tn
well i had my mind pretty much made up and i let it get to me. and i guess it was more than just being left out the league it was just the way they did it and i kinda realized that these are suppose to be my best friends and i told all them abiout a year ago that i had a problem and since than not one of them has ever called/texted/emailed and asked how i was doing or anythng like that so i guess i just realized that my group of best friends arent in fact that good of friends and thts what was so hard. there like ten or twelve of em that i considered best friends non of those group of friends use either. so i was just dissapointed that theu made me feel like a no body it really had nothn to do wth the football league it was just the whole big picture if that makes sense to anyone. but it doesnt matter cuz i went back to em last nite and well we all kno how that goes i never just use one time and done so itl be a lil bit and its sad cuz i actually planned out when im gona quite again see i took like 11 days off starting this weekend so im gona use till than and quite so im totally pissed at myself but its too late now sry and thanks for all ur support but i had to be honest wth all of u.
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452063_tn?1324078516
It's not too late. You can get rid of those pills right now. This is a decision that only you can make. You made a bad one last night. Pick yourself up and get right back on track. You have not decided to quit in 11 days, you have decided to use for 11 days. Just because you never just used for 1 time does not mean you have to use more than 1 day. This is a cop out. If these friends didn't use then you have probably seemed different to them as well. We have to work at getting our life and what is important to us back...getting trust and respect back. This is all up to you and the best answer is not that hard. I never thought I could flush those lil pills but I did twice. You can do it too. You just have to WANT to be clean. If that is what you want then get your power back.
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406584_tn?1399591666
while we are being honest jt.. why don't we look at the changes that have occurred with your addiction.. You know taking responsibility is really hard when it comes to ourselves.. thinking outside the box. You want your friends to understand addiction.. the physical changes. emotional changes the guilt and stuff we carry we wear it like a badge when we say something we set ourselves up to prove ourselves as better or look for pity.. I do not know about you but I'm so sick of pitying my past.. I know your story as I was here when you joined.. what have you changed ?? It is easy to blame everybody else.. we are addicts.. it will never happen till You want it to happen for You and You alone.. friends are replaceable. but sometimes all they want to see is some change.. I have heard many times.. nothing changes if nothing changes.. Get rid of the c-rap and get Honest with Yourself.. respectfully lesa
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495284_tn?1333897642
I hope you can get real honest with yourself real soon..........sara
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Avatar_m_tn
the thng is i have changed and someo fem kno it sum of em dont cuz i dont see em all tht much cuz i dont go out wth em that much cuz they go out drinking ALOT so i kno i havent changed as much as i need  or want but it was only a month but i guess ur all rite i was having a pity party who knos mayb even deep down i wanted a excuse to get high i dont kno. i guess u expect certain thngs from people aand whn it dont happan it suxs but guess i just gotta worry bout myself and evertythng else will hopefully fall in place wth all the outside stuff. thnks alot.
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199177_tn?1332183097
yes you wanted  to get high and this was your excuse  to use .Sooner or later you are going to have to stop making excuses and get clean I grantee in the end you will be so much happier .We are here :)
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942290_tn?1252622149
from what you said, this all started when you told them you had a problem. you also said they party hard and you dont. well, they are either mad that you quit,because they use or despise people that take drugs. they dont call you because you dont go out swilling with em is about the only other thing I guess?


what if something really bad happens.........then I guess then it will be even more reason to use,right?

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Avatar_m_tn
yea ur rite it was kinda a excuse and ur also rite that if it woulda been or if it ever is a bigger more serious deal than what will i do will i go running back to it just like i did this time i mean every time i quite i always find sum thng or reason to go back this time its this last time it was bills time before that my ex girlfriend and so on i just gotta figure it out and get my stuff together. i have to re learn a different way of thinking and use it instead of taking the easy way out. thanks for ur commenst and concerns.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm sorry hun,  but it reads like you started using drugs  i.e. pills  your friends didn't and when you told them about it  they all  just kinda disappeared from your life.  I guess  I am a bit at odds with the other posters,  because I don't see them as losers HOWEVER nor do I see you as a loser....   Perhaps the true danger of addiction has gotten thru to them,  perhaps when you say they party hard  it is drinking beer??  I don't know,  have they been hurt by your drug addiction at anytime?

I have lived the oxy addiction with my 22 yr old daughter,  one of the many things/people she lost during her addiction was her friends that she has known since kindergarten.  I remember when her best friend told me she could not watch my daughter slowly kill herself any longer.... and it broke my daughter's heart, her bff heart and mine too,  but I completely agreed with that decision.      I am not saying this applies to you,  but for my daughter,  she has a long way to go to make amends to her friends.  Like you  she was the most popular, the fun one to be with, gorgeous, great personality, intelligent.....  and I am not saying that because I am her mom....  she truly was  and is beginning again to be herself...  But in her addiction she hurt a lot of her friends,  they were so afraid of losing her,  and I applaud their decision, regardless of how hard it was for them    to run from her addiction....  not a life I want for any of them.

Maybe your friends care more for you than you know,     and it may take some time for them to know the drugs are out of your life,  they want the real YOU back....  that guy that was so much fun to be around,  the friend that was always there to depend on....

I may have missed the point completely,  I guess I am just trying to share a similar experience that my daughter went thru, from a different perspective than the other posters.   Get your life back dear.....  don't lose anyone or anything else because of addiction....  based on your posts  you are so obviously over that *ullshit.    


My best wishes for you and I apologize if I missed the whole point here.
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Avatar_m_tn
actually u were by far the closest on how it is and how i feel and mayb how they feel so u are not far off at all its just so hard cuz u need these people and i have ben close t em for so long that when they did that it blew my mind and im not one to really show my emotions alot and feel the way i did but when it happaned i was first pissed than slowly realized what was actually happaning and i got really sad and almost started crying and belive me when i say i dont cry esp. like over tht kinda stuff but it was pretty hard.
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Avatar_f_tn
Oh gosh,  I know it was and is hard for you....  your friends mean so much to you    and you to them....   My best friends are the ones I had in high school,  and I moved a long way from home once I was out of college.   Reading your response  breaks my heart,  as it did for my daughter when she experienced the same thing......  I do understand your pain,  and I am so very sorry. I can only tell you what I told her   please don't lose anymore self respect,   don't think of yourself as an "addict unworthy of friends or family" and different than your friends,  be determined to end this friggin nightmare of the pills......   the past is the past     you have control over today  and tomorrow  and what you do with your life from this point going forward.  Please don't take a step backwards,  you deserve so much more.....      Please  don't start over,  it just gets harder.     Please know my thoughts are with you  and you make the right decision for a healthy life and relationships.          
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Avatar_m_tn
yea half are friends from grammer school than we wemt same high school and couple even college, so we are or were very very close and the others were from high school so the group of about 10-12 have known eachother for really long time from eithe grammer school or high school so u can imagine how lkng thats been and it really suxs i hate to even keep thnking bout it. how is ur daughter doing wth it now, when did it happan to her? and what did she do about it???thanks
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Avatar_f_tn
I think perhaps my daughter's  addiction was much more than what you have experienced.....   she is currently in a 6 month sober living facility,  and has basically been in treatment non stop since February....    Just as you, her true "friends" she has known since kindergarten or grade school, and I do mean friend in every sense of the word  they supported her thru 2 rehabs ......    but she was so far deep into her addiction, she hurt a lot of friends.   They are cautious and as I told you,  I want them to be, because I do not want any of them to go thru what my daughter has with oxy  or for them to personally experience drug addiction in any manner....   The only thing you can do, is to show your friends that you are not using anymore.....I don't mean this rudely  but just as you slowly left your circle of friends,  you need to slowly re-enter that circle,  and with time    they will know   your drug use is in the past.    It will not happen all at once,  just as your addiction didn't happen in a day.  Please take this slowly,  join in for a bit at a time,  join the fantasy football team..........  it's not too late....  you can still do that with your friends, perhaps not as involved as you were a year ago,  but you would have fun  and it is a great way to get back in with the guys........     Bottom line,  my advise....  take it slow......  don't expect too much from people too soon.........   stay STRONG.......stay sober and take your life back...  but you will have to work for it dear,  the past is the past  yes,  but until you prove yourself today,  that is what you are judged on.....    don't allow "using" to take any more from your life,  and certainly don't cover your pain with pills  for what you really want....  a normal life  with your friends.      You deserve no less,   so please don't accept that life as a way out of a hard time.  You have fought this hard,  and the rewards of your commitment will begin to come back in your life......please don't jeopardize all that is special to you........
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401095_tn?1351395370
I have read bits of this post...why is it that u think they r leaving u ut?  just asking cos i went thru an extreme isolation phase after detox..if u dont reach out to ur friends and touch base,,u can lose touch..probably not the case here..if they r not drug buddies i would reach out...i love fantasy football and play every year....just take a look at urself and where u r at..i would doubt that if u asked to play/that they would say NO...if they r safe friends/have u asked?
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401095_tn?1351395370
just to add....being clean does not mean u have to lose ur life..it doesnt work that way...be safe
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Avatar_m_tn
i was in the league they went behond my backs and would not let me join the kleague i started years ago i found out the they were doing the draft thru a diff friend and no one has called ot teted me bacl to say why or explain themselve.
and to late august yea how long was ur daughter on the oxys for? i have been on em all for over 7 years im 26 now and i was up to eating 60 norcos a day for few yrs thn dropped down to about 32 a day but the past lil while its been the oxies/roxies alomst 4 80mg oxies a day and its just slowly taking me down and im starting all over again but i gota get back on the clean road cuz this isnt working i feel like **** again and im not loking forward to detoxing AGAIN! dammit.
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1017452_tn?1254908598
my hubbies so called friends of 10 years haven't called him once since they found out he was an addict! and it's been 2 years!!! they haven't invited him to anything and it made me very angry at first and him but he decided that being clean was far more important than surrounding himself with people who he 'thought' were his friends but we reckon they are just ignorant ....!  True friends stand by you, everyone else is an acquaintance.  When you achieve your ultimate goal...staying clean....you'll start making new friends, real friends, that want to be part of your life and you theirs.  Stay strong mate...you CAN do this... there's no quick fix solution...it's bloody hard but you'll feel so proud of yourself when you achieve... i like the saying "if you always do what you've always done...you'll always get what you always got!"   Go hard...keep your eye on the prize!!
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