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Avatar universal

im such a loser no hope left in life

im 20 i live near downtown LA and i never had a girlfriend. i know i got confidence problems. i was beaten and abandoned as a small child. ive never really blamed my problems in life on being poor, beaten or abandoned and not hearing from father for 15 years (dont even know if hes alive actually). the ways id get beaten would be things like getting hit and locked in closet for hours and then beaten again when i started screaming and eventually get mouth tied to stop me yelling. i was raised by my mom and never had a role male model growing up and i know all these thing definitely must have had an effect on my but i dont blame it all on why im such a **** up, i know thats my own fault.

im straight but i HONESTLY have not felt attracted to a girl in 6 years. she basically asked me if id like to bang her i was basicly like yeah and we never brought it up again. like we were totally into each other and i was too much of a coward to ask her out. we kind of just stayed friends who like eachother like a year. i think why i liked her was cuz she was a hot mess. really hot land lotta guys wanted her but she had been through alot of bad stuff in her life and i felt like i had alot in common with her.

after that i havent felt attracted to any girls. but i talk to mostly guys so maybe i havnt gotten to know enough girls. it ***** i want to get some ***** cuz im a 20 year old virgin but i never felt attracted to somebody in 6 years probally. theres gotta be somebody mentally wrong with me. and im definately not into dudes either...

ive never had a job, car, got terrible grades all my life, and have spent nearly every penny for last 2 or 3 years on drugs and havent turned down a chance to get high in last 5 years or so.

honestly drugs have became a huge part of my life. i remember a really good dream i had where i ended up with a TON of heroin and was just smoking it all day and the high felt SOOOO real i believed the dream. and when i woke up i was like NOOOOO i wanted to stay that way. my favorite drugs and only ones i really done much are weed, opiates, xtc, and meth. done felonies to get em but i dont consider myself an addict since i dont withdrawl often or shoot up. i never really found any drugs to be strong enough if always itched for that perfect high but nothings ever felt good enough. its like an itch i been trying to scratch but i havent reached it yet and im going to die trying to reach it. ive been hospital for meth od and pretty sure i nearly died twice from meth and heroin at same time where my heart was doing such big hoolahops that i had to lie completely still and if i was to get up to call hospital i was SURE id have heart attack considering how much my heart raised just from trying to sit up. was pretty sure i was bout to die and that happend twice.   i eventually went to Narcotics Anonymous and i was too shy to tell my story and it did nothing for me.

ive never kissed a girl or even asked em out. my problem is i never try at anything and maybe that im afraid to let anybody get close to and really know me so a dont get hurt. i infinitely procrastinate things. im sooo shy i cant even talk to psycaitrist about my problems or friends i play everything off like im ok to everbody. i used to be super depressed and suicidal when i was younger but now i never feel sad at all my life got better but all my problems have stayed.

im wayy too shy when i talk to shrinks to tell my problems and psych meds dont work for me. i lie and steal all time and nobody trusts me. i can talk to girls and guys fine but i cant get romantic with girls. i really just wanna get high but i cant afford to do nearly as much as id like of them because i want that perfect feeling but no combo of drugs gets me to that point.

i know im kind of rambling but ive never told anybody all these problems in real life and i dont think i ever could bring myself to do it. i cant see myself ever having a good job or a wife and kids. i cant even do good in college. my life is super messed up and im too lazy/ shy to fix any of it. i lost my faith in god and i feel like this ****** life is the only life ill ever have and theres nothing to look foward to when im dead either since im not religous.



so the question is what the heck is wrong with me? i feel stuck and im sooo late into getting good at whole girls thing ill find a girl who likes me and ill be so inexpierenced with it all that itll be embarassing and ill mess it all up. any girls please answer this... somebody ugly and messed up like me could never attract you could they?
11 Responses
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1831920 tn?1320857757
I was very saddened by your story.  The abuse you took as a child is very upsetting.  I have to run to the dr now but will check back with you when I get back.  Who do you live with?  Do you have any family in the area?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I just wanted to check on you and make sure things are going okay. I have worried about you from the time you posted. I know what addiction does and causes and I'm 14 months clean and just now starting to feel "normal" mentally and physically. I really hope you are okay and have sought help for your addiction and emotional issues. Once you fix those you may be surprised at the change is your sexual feelings. I know mine definately changed after I detoxed and went through therapy. Sometimes the guilt gets so bad and you look down on yourself so much you dont feel you deserve to be happy and that does affect your sexual urges. Please update me on how you are doing, I pray you are okay and have taken some of my advice. I've been there with everything you are going through so please trust me. Keep in touch please!

Rachel
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
There may be several reasons you aren't attracted to anyone. The main points would be first that the drugs are affecting your hormones and your libido. Chemicals in your body change and that has a MAJOR affect on sexual feelings, urges and attractions. It may also have something to do with the people you are surrounding yourself with. As I mentioned before you are like other drug addicts and you will find out later that the people you were around during this time are no good for you and they are people you can not have respect for. Even a sober person can not be attracted to someone they can't respect. First you need to fix yourself, get off the drugs, give your body time to detox and let your chemicals and hormones get to what is normal for you and at that point once you have done that then you can go to a doctor and have your hormones checked but you can't find out if you have any problems physically until you get the drugs out of your system and allow your body to "reboot". Just like a computer that gets a virus you have to quarantine it and remove the bad sectors then allow it time to reboot and make sure everything is normal. With the human body it takes longer and depending on how much you are using it may take a couple years for your body to completely detox. There are foods you can eat and drinks made to help the body detox and they will help while you are getting clean and they will help after you are clean getting all the other toxins out of your body. Your organs will store toxins much longer than your blood will so even if you test clean your body won't be. If you keep this in mind and do what you must to get clean and detox your body you may have your attraction and urges completely change and get better and start finding out that you were going around women that you weren't attracted to because of who they are and if you get clean and find you still have some issues then there may be a medical reason that you should have checked. As I said before you can not have your hormones, thyroid or anything else checked until your body is detoxified. Be strong and realize a lot of your emotions and physical problems are the drugs and what isn't caused by drugs isn't because you are weird or anything it's because your body may need a boost or adjustment. It happens to everyone and once you deal with your drug issues and get therapy for your emotional problems you'll see a lot of this will fix it's self. You can't be attraced to someone if you don't feel you deserve it and you can't be attracted to people who you can't respect, fix yourself then worry about finding someone that meets your standards, expectations and who will be a friend and support for you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
just hang in there i have been through hell and back and you can always count on god loving you he has helped trough my struggles just start with talking to him . he is amazing and so are you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
does anybody know why i havent been attracted to someone in 6 years? thats not normal is it?

im going to try opening up at NA and it will be VERY HARD for me but imma do it
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I agree with you coo. Addicts come in all shapes and colors. It isn't fair to judge someone by their actions. I have done bad things, I'm not a bad person.
I hope poster takes your advice!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks, I want to help anyone I can. That has become a goal of mine since being clean. There are so many people who can not understand and judge you. There is a stigma attached to addicts that shouldnt be there and that makes it even harder because you'll feel like everyone is judging you when you're already down and hurting. The best counselors are the ones who were addicts themselves. Even if I can only help one person it's worth it to me. I have really become intouch with who I was and who I am and I open my heart and advice and knowledge to anyone who wants it. When I read this post I could not ignore what I saw. I hope he takes what I said to heart and starts the path to fixing it all.
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617347 tn?1331293081
yes, indeed, coo... great post !
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Avatar universal
What a great post. Perfect advice!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Jack first of all let me say to you that congratulations on being a virgin there is NOTHING wrong with it and there is a woman out there that will hold alot of respect for you for that! They may intially be shocked cause its rare but trust me it's a good thing! Now let me also say that you are an addict without a doubt, just because you do not go through withdraws you are chasing a high and using heavy drugs so yes you're an addict. With that said I will also tell you that you will never stop using if you do not get some mental and emotional help. I was an addicted to the same stuff you were and people may start using drugs because they think it'll be fun but in fact what many don't get is that drugs cover up emotions so you keep using more and more and eventually end up where you are. I have been clean 14 months and I know what you are going through and what its going to take if you want to change. IT IS NOT EASY! In fact you once you get clean you may even be more depressed because you have let yourself down. Once I got clean 2 months later I tried to commit suicide twice and almost succeeded. Had my ex sister in law not broke my door in I would have died. Once I did that I lost my daughter and was put in 2 different mental institutions and none of them wanted to treat the depression that started before I was ever a drug addict. I did a lot of this on my own but had a few people that stood by me and reminded me I was a good person and worth it. I also dealt with issues growing up, my mother was mostly absent and when she was around had drugs and different men and took me into bars and all kinds of other ****. My father and tep mother thank god were great and I'm very sorry you don't have that. First thing you need to realize is you are worth seeking help your life does not have to be like this and then find a good therapist who understands drug addiction and depression together. It is hard, it took me 8 months to even get to where my daughter could come see me without supervision and I eventually got my custody restored and she now lives with me full time since April. You have to be strong no matter what and there are some medications that are not addictive to help. I did not go to meetings with NA it wasn't something I wanted to do. Unfortunately you need to be honest with yourself above all else. We all have morals and you need to hold yourself to that. I also did a lot of things I am not proud of and I still deal with the guild and shame of that now but I know that's not who I am and I have to forgive myself and that's the hardest part. Another thing you must do is cut off all contact with dealers, friends who use any form of drug and family that is causing more problems in your life. When I got clean I disowned my mother and brother, he was the one who introduced me to Opana and heroin and if his mouth moved he was lying. Then I cut out all friends who enabled my addiction or used drugs and that was hard because these people had been in my life for 15+ years and many had great qualities but I had to stay away for myself. It sounds selfish but you have to protect you above anything else. You will deal with so many emotions its going to be hard but let me also tell you once you face this get clean and get the help you need and get around people that are better for you you will find a good woman who can respect you and love who you are and help you with your emotions. I got hepatitis C from using and found out in March and started treatment August 5th. Do not think the only way to get it is a needle, any form of blood contact can cause it, if you are snorting and used a straw with someone it can get you. You should have some blood test to be safe. Once you can admit to yourself you need to be COMPLETELY honest with your therapist. Do not hold back because your ashamed it will not do you any good if you don't admit the problems and they can not help if they don't know everything. Now with all that said I am also going to hit on the lack of attraction, first drugs are the number one cause, especially in men for a low libido so that's part of your issue. Another thing that may be causing your problem would be a hormonal imbalance but you really can't check that until you get off the drugs and stay clean for a couple months. I used to smoke pot and did for years without using anything else and I have even stopped that. I have an occassional drink when I'm out which is not a lot but that's it and I don't get drunk. Once your an addict you must realize you always will have an chance of becoming addicted to other things. It's hereditary so most likely your mother or father has an addictive personality. Your lack of interest may only be the drugs but you can't know for sure until you quit. You have a long road but you can do this. If I did I know you can. Our stories have similarities and you will find once you admit it that all drug addicts can relate to the emotional issues and traumas they have gone through. I first got clean by getting on methadone and took it up to 60mg and stopped there. You can end up addicted to that so if you try it only take what you need to keep yourself from using anything else then once you have done it for a SHORT time start bringing the dose down 2 - 5 mg at a time. I was on methadone from March until June and stopped, at the same time I was getting help but still went through some serious depression in August and I had to face that or lose everything and end up getting high all the time again. I'm going to tell you something and be very blunt, most men can't even get hard when they are on drugs so even if you found a woman you may have that issue. Another thing when you are an addict the women you find are not going to be the women you should want or deserve. I was lucky to find a good man right after finishing methadone and he stood by me and helped me. You have to change your life completely even if you have to move away and start over. If that's what it takes do it YOU ARE WORTH IT! I will be happy to stand by you and be here as much as I can through this but I will be very honest if you aren't trying to get better I will back off and not help. I will not waste my time but believe me I can be a great support if you want the help. I since have gone to college and I am working on a degree in psychology with a focus on substance abuse. I have the experience and now want the education to help people like you but you can not get help if you don't want it. I will not ******** you, I will probably say things you may not want to hear but honesty is key and I won't tip toe around the facts. It won't help you at all if I did. I am here and FYI I am a woman I am 31 years old and have had a tough go in life and look at me I have a beautiful daughter I have found a wonderful man who would do anything for me and helped when I needed it most, I have a house, I'm in college and I keep myself positive even when it's hard to. And btw a car isn't that big of an issue I don't have one and get by fine plus you don't want debt trust me! Work on this you will be so happy in the end and be the man you want to be and find that girl! If you want to change I'm here and will do all I can to help you. You have to find things that make you happy without drugs and I'm sure if you focus you will find there are many things you are good at. Stop being so hard on yourself and start wanting more out of life everyone deserves to be happy! Do not let your mistakes define who you are cause it's not you!

Rachel
Helpful - 0
617347 tn?1331293081
Hi, welcome here, Jack :)...  you are right, i could never feel attracted to you, i could be your mother but the lack of attraction is not because of age or because of your early life but because of the lies you say that you live in.... we have this in common, we all here  as addicts  know a lot about lies and this could be your starter point... stop lying. Be honest... You have had to endure a lot of traumatic experiences in your chilhood and at the present. For sure, you need some help to recover from all the bad experiences and you are the only one that can help yourself or ask for help. Stop thinking of you as a loser, this is a very american concept that i don't catch well. I know you are 20 years old and sex is important at your age but things will fit at the right time... Once you feel better about yourself, girls will be attracted to yourself... You said that you don't consider yourself an addict but you almost died from OD, you are running away from reality by chasing a high as you also said,  and you didn't find help in NA because you couldn't be honest to them... You have being quite honest here , how do you feel ? do you feel a bit better by being honest  ? Do you think that alcohol/ substances are a problem in your life? You are in an addiction forum I think that most of all you are sick of lies and keeping everything inside yourself, you are a strong man but you can not do all alone, this is something also that addicts are very good at, not wanting help and trying to be the strongest in town and this is something that you can change step by step, little by little, Jack... As addicts, we have a first step that is admitting the truth... but you are the only one that can say if you are an addict
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