in fatal love with crack addict

[baby1107]

i would like to know how common it is for crack addicts to have auditory and visual hallucinations, and if these can happen when the person has not been smoking crack for a few days? are there any medication to help stop the craving for crack? a doctor once mentioned to me one that started with a b.
what is the best way to react to an addict while he is high and what suggestions for treatment in small city where person has no insurance. is in home therapy usefull at all.
is the paranoria and hallucinations and pyschotic delusions a sign of advanced stages of addiction?
the situation when the person seems to have panic attack with racing heart and feelings of impending death also signs of advanced addiction and was that a episode of probable overdose? can that happen 12-20 hours after last smoking? this man has now reach an addiction of smoking $11,000.00 in a 6 week period which happened about 4 months ago but can go for 3-4 weeks without any.
are there any physical signs i can look for to tell that it is tremendously neccessary for medical attention.
what are the honest odds that he could beat this addiction on his own, with out patient therapy or in patient therapy.
could narcanon itself be enough? he hates himself for his addiction and is so deppessed he prays constantly to die.
he has only once become violent but only hit objects nort people. is this also sign of accelerating addiction. i want to marry this man but cant stand to watch him kill himself daily.abuse is so misjudged and misunderstood. "but for there go i." we have been together 4 years.  he has gone 9 months without when we first met. he came to me to start fresh and i fell in love with him before i knew of the addiction but more importantly how incredibly hard it is to stop. please, i am pleading for people with experience in this situation to advise me. i know about tough love and that may have to happen, but what is the stage before that . is there any attitude i should adopt that would enhance his capability of successfully stopping. i am to a point of being suicidal myself for the last 2 years. thanks for any feedback.

[angelgirl353]

My partner has just started smoking crack & I feel like over only 2 months I've just lost him. I feel so lonely because he hardly talks to me or hugs me anymore. He asked me to have his baby & now I feel like he doesn't even want me. I need him at the moment but he is not there for me at all. I love him so much & wish he would come back to me.

[Sunshine202079]

How are you doing now? It's been over three years. please let me know how you ar doing now. Concerned.

[DavaSage]

My son is also in rehab, from opiates. So when you say how hard it is,.,, I know. And I feel to blame. My dad was an addict. I am an addict. My son is now. I lost my first son to Xanax, died in his sleep.

And when does it end ?

[DavaSage]

My friend Rick is dead over cocaine. He one night "saw the DEA" breaking in (it was a harmless squirell rattling the tree) he shot at it thru a plate glass door with a 357. Scared us to death,

He later was shot in the face over cocaine.

Gone. I weep for Melanie, his precious bride.

Such a shame...

[DavaSage]

You ARE worthy child. Never forget that.

Our Lord died for YOU if you were the only person on earth, He would have done it FOR YOU!

[DavaSage]

Please see my story (true) - crack and coke are pretty similar....

I had a friend in 1984 that was operating his dads drive in liquor store, and supporting a $400 day coke habit by dealing. Crossed some Columbians, they drove in one Friday nite, ordered a 5th of Vodka and shot him in the face over a $30 large debt. Hes gone.

Meth, etc all have the same effects on people.

He was paranoid, carried a 357 and once shot it in his apratment at a squirrel thru his storm glass door shattering it.

Said someone was "breaking in".

He was insane. And it cost him his life.

[LIZZIE LOU]

sorry...forgot something :)

i personally know "the" crack addict...my now 21 year old has been clean from crack for close to three years.  it took 2 rehabs and 1 long-term (13 months) program for him to get to this place in his life.

[LIZZIE LOU]

this post saddens me.  it saddens me that you have allowed YOUR self worth to become dependant on another person...a person who has actually brought you to this place in your life.  

i guess my question is "why"?  why would you let someone do this to you?  why would you allow another person to de-value your life?  why would you give control of who you have become to someone else?  WHY DO YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE LIKE THIS??????

i was very much like you at one point in my life.  my situation was a little different in that my co-dependancy issues were with my chldren...THREE OF THEM...and that makes it a little "difficult" to just walk out...to say enough is enough.  i was at my breaking point many times...thought that the only way i would ever find happiness was to not exist.  i was sooo tired of all the emotional pain brought on by addiction...their addiction.  

one day, while surfing the net, i stumbled across the site.  i began to read, and it only took me about 5 minutes to EXPLODE on a post that someone had written.  i was an angry, bitter, emotionally spent mother...and i had ALOT to say.  i hated addiction and i hated every freaking addict that was posting that night.  let me just say that they hated me and my intrusion into their little world as much as i hated reading the BS that they were posting.  i was told many times to leave...mainly because i didnt buy into what they were saying...but i was relentless.  as time went by...ppl started to really listen to my side of addiction...and i started to listen to their side.  that was 18 months ago!!!!!

without this forum...and the absolutely wonderful...AND HONEST...ppl...addicts...i would never had the courage to end MY addiction.  my addiction had become addiction.  my addiction was to fix my kids.  my whole life was consumed with addiction.  it took a long time for me to truly understand that there was nothing that i could do but offer them the tools to fix themselves.  it took me a long time to understand that my love was sooooo enabling them to continue down this path.  in reality...i was feeding their addiction.

i pray that you will one day have the courage to end YOUR addiction.  understand that we hear your pain...both the addicts here and the loved ones of an addict.  we have all been there in some capacity or another.  the addicts can relate, because they have hurt the ppl that love them...and the loved ones of addicts have been in your shoes.

please stick around...this site CAN save you from the life of addiction.  it did me :)    

[SHELLBELL79]

I am a living example that there is light at the end of the tunnel! I have a big weight off my back now!!!

[broknbck]

Who has put all these lies in your head?

I believe we have been put on this earth to be happy and enjoy our lives. Not to be always sacrificing and being a matyr to everyone around us. I think Jesus Christ had that covered. And even he said " I have come so that you may have life and have it more abundantly" There is no shame or selfishness in loving yourself and wanting to be happy. You are just as worthy as anyone else and it is never too late to start it.

Marriage is a hard one.
That is a pretty big promise to make to someone that you will always feel the same way about them forever. People grow and change and you cannot make yourself feel something that you don't. It sounds like he has changed his feelings about you. huh?
And neither of you are happy.

In a way you have imprisoned yourself just as badly as being addicted to a drug like your husband.So you have this new exciting life just waiting out there for you. And all you have to do is take it.

[SHELLBELL79]

I know you hurt and you hurt bad. I know you feel like there's no way out but, there is. I am still trying to get myself back. I wish I would have come out honest and open especially here. I did not want to here it. I wanted someone to say, " Oh Michelle he will get better and you will live happily ever after". Not what your going to here. It took My ex to try to hit me for like the 5th time in our messed up relationship. I was in my comfort zone and felt like I had to be with him and take care of him. I felt like I was his mother more than a gf.  You need to read about co-dependcy and be completely open and honest about everything. My ex was also very paranoiod and jealous. We would have a big fight and I would cry and cry and feel like my life was over. I felt so trapped and stuck. I was soo scared of him at times. I was always scared if he was all of the sudden going to flip out on me, etc. There are so many things, So many really messed up things that happened to me in that realtionship that it would take me like year to tell you everything. My life was his life! I realized in the last 2 years," how would I ever get out of this?". I think I had some kind of miracle from god that gave me the strength to officially break up with him for good. I changed my phone number and told him if he ever came near me or to the house I would call the police. It now has made me realize what kind of guy to pick now and what are red flags. I still have so much trauma from that realtionship but I know I am now in a better place and my life is worth living. I am now #1 in my life. I still need work on how to love myself more. Im just glad I don't get calls in the middle of the night to go save his ***! I know you feel very depressed, alone,scared but, you have to realize staying with him is just enabling him and making you worse. I know all of us telling you to get out now isn't doing it for you, but you have to. I wish I would had listened to other people. I wasted 6 years of my early 20's. Now I say it was a major learning experience. Do not take any of this as offending, we are here to listen to you and help you. You should re- read what you wrote and realize what your really putting up with! Do not beat yourself up over this! It is NOT WORTH IT! I can't imagine how much I beat myself up over him and what he did to himself and me. I remember one of his friends from AA saying to one of my friends, "Yeah ,Michelle may have loved him, but she really CARED for him more". If you need anyone to talk to, just PM me. I am praying for you!
Michelle

[baby1107]

i do want to express my thanks for your attention and kind words

[baby1107]

my son is 30 years old and lives an hour away. there is no way i would expose him to this as a child.i guess i talk about him like his is my baby because he still is my baby and he loves me so much.i have kept this secret from the entire family for 3 years and it only came out after his actions were apparent to everybody. they always knew something wasnt right but i managed to deal with everything inside this house alone. only in june did i tell my son because i was begging to god to let me die and i didnt know if i could continue another hour in such pain.suicide isa constant thought in my mind.if i had to be honest, i do beleive that is the route that will eventually be taken. i have already taken legal steps to prepare for what might happen.after 3 years,and at 53 yrs old i just cant face enduring this pain much longer. death would be a very welcome relief. that way i could not hurt my family anymore.every momemt , every second is consumed with grief over his situation and planning when to make the decision to make the move. i keep what i call my exit pills here. i am ashamed of this amd hold a tremendous amount of guilt that he worries about me so. i dont want to leave him or my husband but i know they would get over it. as it stands now, i can see an end to this problem which means ky sons pain will continue.  PLEASE, dont anyone give me a hard time over my thoughts.i give myself enough punishment for allowing this situation to continue.the heart hurts just as real as pa physical pain that is unbearable. sometimes, you just dont have the stregth to continue hurting and hurting others. i never see anyone. literally.i have diassociated myself freom the family for this reason, i have  had much therapy trying to love myself again, but nothing ever seems to work.i pray constantly for a solution that i can accept. i dont feel sorry for myself. i feel sorry for what my husband endures and what this has done to my son . i anly feel guilt and shame for not wanting to live while knowing how many people  go through so much greif that is much worse than mine and would do anything for a chance to be able to wake up tomorrow.life is a blessing, but i cant seem to want that blessing. im sure it comes from guilt. i have always loved way to much with no focas on my own wants and needs at all. my problem was created beginning in childhood and through my life. i have never experienced love until i met him. the first year was the perfect fantasy and then it crashed. now that i know what happiness and love feels like, it is almost unbearable to be without it.i feel like a walking zombie trying to appear as normal as i can, but am able to less and less. i feel so unworthy.........

[gizzy32]

great point extremeski, i did not even see the son part until i relooked. there is help out there for you. please, please take care of yourself and child. there is a wonderful life waiting for you. please keep posting.

[extrmeski]

I've read through all the posts here but the one thing that really stands out to me is your son.  You have a child that is an innocent little person.  You want your child to be around this person?  To look up to and emulate this person?  Is he the example of a man your want your son to be?

[TimmyVD]

my mother is a crack addict and it has affected our entire family. I think I am the only one who has realized there is NOTHING anyone can do. I am recovering myself and honestly no one, not my husband, my child, the child I'm pregnant with...no one forced me to make my decision. I made it because I wanted to. I had no "bottom" I just got tired of the BS.
In my mothers case she has completely isolated herself for a fear of being lectured. I dont say anything about it but I also do not enable her or let her get in the way of my life. It may sound selfish but this is something I have to do for the protection of my family...the one I made. I watched my family (the one I came from) go down in flames behind addictions. The unfortunate thing is that most of my family members took the "cant beat 'em join 'em" approach.
Baby, take it from me and everyone else here. There is nothing you can do to fix it. This is coming from a recovering addict, and a person coming from a family full of addicts. There was nothing anyone could do to stop me...nothing. I had to do it. You have to look out for yourself. I know its hard but your going to get consumed with this and its going to take control of your life if it hasnt already.

[TrayCee]

I sent you a PM (private message)  I CAN SOOOOO RELATE!

[broknbck]

well i can see that you truely care for him. but you must realize that he is not the man you are wishing and wanting him to be. You cannot think that he will never be able to quit without you there to help him. because look how long you have been there and he is not doing any better, right?

He is probably gonna need drastic help, like a rehab center. But for him to admit himself in one, he will have to hit rock bottom. you are more than likely the only good thing left in his life and if he was to loose you- rock bottom will come.

It will be a good thing because he has to be held responsible for all the pain and wrong  way that he is treating you. And you deserve to be happy. There is a big world out there that you are keeping from by being with him. When he cleans up than you 2 will have a chance at a happy relationship. I think this may be what they call tough love. And yes- it is not easy. So let your tears flow, it is good to cry. And let's start thinking about things you like and want to do with YOUR life.

[mindezz]

i understand completely what u r going through.  my husband was the same way... thousands and thousands of dollars, turn into days of depression and scared he is going to have a heart attack and die.  the dealers knew what day he got paid, and rang the phone off the hook until his check was gone.  then at six in the morning, having an anxiety attack because the money and crack are all gone.  thinking people are peeping in the windows at him and hiding behind the trees in the yard.  thank God, my husband finally called for help and within 8 hrs was on a plane to a treatment center far away from home.  he is been gone one week and one day and they have him on suicide watch.  i am not kidding crack is the devil.  it has left him broke, ashamed, wishing he was dead, feeling guilty, and on and on.  my husband could not do it on his own... he thought he could.. but 3 yrs after this all started it was only getting worse.  does he have any health insurance????  he needs to call for help.. i know easier said than done, but he has to have professional help.  

[baby1107]

this website is the most painfull thing i have had to face ever because i know and have known that everything being said is right. how can love be so painful? i knew it would help me to have support from a group like this but i had no idea how painful it would be to come back to the computer and keep reading these comments. but i cant stay away. i feel a description about how i feel about leaving him to his own demons is like leaving a child to fend for themselves. but i know that he is not a child and sometimes turning your back is the healthiest thing you could do for someone you love.i know that for a fact because my family has turned their back on me because i cant separate completely from him and i am actually glad that they did that because i dont want to watch them continually hurt by my decision.that hurts to much also. i know i am not, but your mind sometimes is your worst enemy and right now i feel so alone and hurt andsee no way to ever have peace or happiness again.two yers is a long time to feel this way and it wears you down. i am truly thankful to everyone that has offered their compassion for my situation.ive always heard that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. it this moment and the last two years, i dont beleive that. i do want to help others though. at this point, it is the only thing that i can offer. would someone tell me how to put my last posting on the top of the forum list since i went into more dept about the actual circomstances that have led me to this point. im sorry to everone, to myself, to him. and i have done nothing but love.i will be own this site constantly, reseachinh and drawing informaion to help myself, my family and HIM. thank you all so much.

[Somewhereovertherainbow]

Hi I feel your pain. I have three young children and my husband is gone nearly 3 months to sort his addiction out over 200 miles away and he is still waiting on an assessment for rehab. He was slow to admit he was an addict to prescription meds after ten years taking a ridiculous amount and cocktail of drugs. I have done nothing but cry through this and question myself. I too have been suicidal because of this and suffered depression because his lack of engagement and enjoyment of the real world have meant he is like a zombie in many ways with occaisional displays of emotion usually anger. He also is very jealous and yet shows no interest in sex. he can't share a bed with me or the children/anybody as he has bizarre sleeping habits and we have not socialised in years. I am embarrasssed is family come over because he makes no effort and sleeps alot during the day. This relationship is destroying my confidence and when I go out I get alot of attention from other men and as I am only 31 have wondered what it would be like to have a normal whatever that is relationship but my love for him and hope of change stops me dead in my tracks. I have tried and tried to change hime but deep down I know his relationship with drugs is supreme to any other relationship in his life. He is now hoping to sort himself out and return when and if it happens. However if history keeps repeating itself sometimes you have to walk away and pretend your parent is gone from this world, grieve and move on because sometimes the monster that is taking over the addicts body can never be defeated and certainly not by a co-dependant, he has to accept he is an addict, want to change and take steps to overcome it. If he is not at this stage, it is hopeless. Look after yourself, you deserve better and this is not your fault or indication of your worth as an individual. No matter he is in a relationship with, the disease will present itself. Good luck x

[gizzy32]

I promise you all these comments were not intended to hurt you, they were to help you. very rarely do people here tell someone to just up and leave, but like i said your in a very dangerous relationship. i am a coke addict and spent a lot of time around those doing crack. i was going to pm you because i don't want to put down any crack addicts here, but the plain truth is you WILL lose to this drug until he WANTS help. i have watched crack addicts steal from their children,  an honour student and valedictorian prostitute herself for her next fix. you will be taken down with him and you need to take care of yourself right now. im sure it's so hard and i understand you wanting to help him, but you can't until he gets it. he will need long term rehab and then his chances will be 1 in 10. im sorry this is negative, but you need to do some seriously thinking, it's destroying your life also and it will continue to do so. im so sorry:(

[baby1107]

everytime i sit down at this computer , i start crying. i know it is unhealthy and even dangerous but if there is one chance in a million, i want to help him. we are now living apart becuase he has "seen" other men in the house and is convinced that i am cheating on him which of course is not true. he even beleives that i or one of my "15" boyfreinds are trying to kill him , or drug him. he sees lights and thinks it is a signalling system for me to meet someone to have sex. even believes that i do this with him in the house. he thinks i drug him to go to sleep so i can have sex.he is convinced he saw the devil sitting on my couch and that the devil told him his purpose in life but he couldnt tell me what it was.Im crying buckets of tears as i type this, it is so hard. he has seen blood dripping from the ceiling, sees shadows through the house. is convinced that i and one of my many "boyfriends" did something to his cell phone so it would spray out some chemical at his face that made him sick. he hears my voice while he is at the crack house calling to him from a barn saying i am in trouble,(which of course is true) .he beleives i have sex with the dealers after he leaves to do the crack. i am trying to remember everything so other people can understand how wrong this can go.i knew when i started this posting that i would be doing it for myself only for moral support, but i mainly wanted to help someone else out there know that they are not crazy. i shake and cry as i type this because i want him whole so badly and i know i can do  nothing and am convinced tnat this will not turn out well. with his jelousy, he could wind up hurting me or worse. i am  fully aware of all these things, but i do know that some people do stop. i beleive the stats are 1 in 10.why cant he be the one?. i have gone to a mental institution voluntarily for my son because he is afraid of my mental state. they kept me only one day and said if i stayed there i would become crazy or die. so now i am certified sane. i knew that. i was just severely depressed but i wanted my son to know that he had done everything he could to help me and i know i went through that for him because i love him so. he tries to get me to get on with my life noe that  my boyfreind is out of the house but we still see each other and talk many times daily and i am worse than ever, even talking last night about getting married. i know this is crazy and i know only i can help myself, but i can try to help others by writing this. i wanted so desparately to love the crack out of him but instead i, who used to be the most self confident secure vital person, has become debilitated so badly that i can even leave my house excep-t to get sustinance for life. i cant even walk outside. i cant concentrate to read, play piano, or watch tv. my mind is totally 24 hrs a day on trying to figue a way to make this work. please pray for the both of us and my son.thank you.

[kris123]

I have smoked crack before and to be honest no one knows about this and i have such a hard time talking about it.  I would see things more when I was coming down - bugs, shadows, demons or i thought, lights, ect  it was so crazy.  It is hard to get off crack because once you get into it, it runs your life, you wake up wanting it, look on the floor for it, and you can ruin yourself with it.  He will run out of money and his life will keep going to **** if he doesn't stop and if he doesn't want to stop or doesn't try, you need to step away from him because it is not good for you. PLEASE LEAVE