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Avatar universal

just my thoughts, not a question

For over a week I have spent most my time on this website.  
Been a member since 2010, mostly lurked until recently.
Anshiloh awoke me.  Last night I poured my heart out to Pat, it felt so good.

I've been down this road so many times.............  back in the 80's I was president & treasurer of the local N.A. carried the briefcase full of pamplets, gave out the medalions ..........  Hosted the new years eve party for them.

I have been the best of the best and the worst of the worst.  Apparently I am compulsive, and extreme at what I do.  I've been nationally recognized and in magazines more than once, BUT..............  I always screw up eventaully sometimes made it over 6 years.    My point is, HUMBLENESS!!!   I only shine when helping others,  everytime I WANT, is when I LOSE.   I need to get through this, but not just for me, BUT for everyone else (family, friends, customers, the community, this community)  

I'll post more of me on here later.

Thanks Pat, Vicki, Shiloh, InNeed, Clean-in-ks, ImDoneNoMore, and whom I stole the "letter from my addiction" from.  
24 Responses
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Avatar universal
You give us all such a raw and honest account of your journey and it is a cautionary tale about taking our sobriety for granted. It is something I need to be reminded of constantly... as a nurse I must handle the very pills everyday that were my drug of choice, sometimes having to destroy the ones that patients refuse without a witness.  It has been empowering so far, but I can anticipate that day in the future where everything has gone wrong, blah blah, blah, where I cud so easily justify a relapse.  I am guarding against it every time I go to work.  
     Sonrissa, I cud so relate to your post.  I remember long ago my first real high with these pills, thinking,"Wow! This must be what normal people feel like!"  And off I went, believing I had finally found a magic bullet to make me feel socially equal.  funny thing, I have become anything but social, living my life when not at work in smaller and smaller circles...culminating in staying pretty much in my bedroom for the last year, not answering phone or door....REALLY SOCIAL!!  Anyway, Love to all, this forum is my lifeline.  I feel as if I am accepted without question, and this in and of itselt is invaluable.  Thanks you all of you
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks for introducing this site to me.  I saw a Psychiatrist yesterday day 21.  She was very concerned & told me that I had detoxed but that I was having a severe panic attack from detoxing from so high amount of drugs cold turkey.  She was surprised I had not had a heart attack.  She was going to put me on a high dose of some kind of  drug with narcotics to put me back in line.  I told her that I did not want any drug's with narcotics.  She asked me if I would be sensible & let her put me on a very low dose of clonazepam to help me get out of my serious situation.  My wife said yes so the Psychiatrist put me on 0.5 mg twice a day.  I have an appointment with my regular Psychiatrist in a week at VA & he will determine when to get me off.  I am going to an AA meeting tonight.  I am starting group therapy Monday & road to wellness Tuesday.  I am determined to get well &'be clean.  

Thank you so much for remembering me & the help you have been.  I hope I can do the same for someone some day.  
Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
You make me laugh every time you call me "Ms.Kansas"

I relate to that by pulling up childhood memories of watching the Miss America pageants.  I DEFINITELY didn't fit that bill.  I was wearing braces and had bowed legs and even tho the guys liked them, I was teased unmercilessly.  Then when I hit about 20 yrs old, my extended family had gathered in Denver for the INTERNATIONAL Al-Anon Convention!
My dad and mom were divorced, but my dad showed up and got sober that weekend.....he was green and looked awful, but for some reason....that was the weekend that he drank for the LAST time for the rest of his life. (he died clean and sober from ALS (Lou Gherig's disease) in 1999.

Anyway.....see...rabbit trailing.....that weekend as I passed thru a room that both my parents were in, they said, "Oh look at Connie.....she's our LATE bloomer!"  And isn't she just beautiful now!!"  
I'll never forget that......and the way I "heard" it was they thought I wasn't as pretty as my other 4 sisters....and had just bloomed!  Anyway, Ms.Kansas makes me laugh, Buddycrunch....and you just call me whatever you like......as long as its with respect of course LOL!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
yes i do like to put a twist on everybody's name sorry, I like picking on Pattie and Ms Kansas too

Thanks again everyone.  
If you read between the lines in my posts you'll see

this disease is not selective, it does not require that you be a loser in anyway.
although I've been clean over half of the last 30 years, it can sneak back up on you and take you back down over and over, no matter how much time you've gone without using (addiction loves to lay dormant, till you've let your gaurd down and have become confident in yourself)
I've had a great wife and kids off and on through out the 30 years, without them i would be dead

I'm starting my life over
Quitting the truck job, even my own trucks are parked now
becoming a full time self employeed person, all alone, no employees and the kids are gone, its just me out here (unfortunantly I no longer feel 22 years old)
just me and my shop just like it was in 1983, fresh off drugs again

HOPING I DON'T REPEAT THE SAME MISTAKES,  this is the last goround for me,  
Helpful - 0
1970885 tn?1435860428
No matter how many times I've tried to "take a break" from this place I alway seem to wander back.
I think, unfortunately, that many of the people who we haven't heard from for a while have relapsed, or are on their way. Others are probably living a good life, and they do check in from time to time.
It's easy to spot the ones who won't be back; sad, but true.
Although I have a family support group, go to meetings, etc., I find it very important to be here, if just to read the first time posters - they help me remember the hell I put myself through.  
Helpful - 0
2083449 tn?1381354708
Bryan, I always wonder too, about folks who stop posting! Is it a relapse or than they have simply moved on and no long need this place! Unfortunately, my mind usually goes to relapse first, and that is painful!  

I feel like I will always be here, mainly because it's really the first place I've ever felt like I belonged, or fit in! I've always felt, through my whole life, like I was an outcast! I just didn't fit with any group! I wasn't in the popular group during school, and I wasn't really in the "other group". I traveled in my own lonely circle! I picture myself standing on the outside of the chain link fence looking in at everyone else!

Here, I feel like I am accepted and part of a group for the first time ever! I'm sad that it an addiction to prescribed pain pills to get there! But, I am grateful for what it is!
Helpful - 0
2107198 tn?1336136106
I am unsure how it goes.  Do folks stop posting because they are doing so well, or because they have relapsed?  Who knows?

I just try to shoot straight while admitting I am not claiming to be an expert.  I know some, including myself, have been helped by this site.  That's enough for me to keep participating in here.....besides, I can always use the support.

Bryan
Helpful - 0
3131950 tn?1351774643
omg undertoe hahahaha,Acually it is Undertow,yup you guessed it the song by Genesis.U see buddy i was an internet D.J. for quite some time,i was addicted to it and that was my handle.I loved it,BUT
   At the time i was short out of a cocaine addiction i traded for alcohol.our paths are very similiar in a small way.
   You have inspired me,i may give a short account of myself also.It is important to know where we come from.
  Not long aggo i went to counseling and had a wonderfull Woman help me realize how far i had come and from what and that i am worth loving and being proud of who i am today,making it easier for me to have strength to deal with this addiction.
What you have put out there is personal,and took alot of strength,I admire that and you should be proud also.This is a very long very hard road we chose to travel.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Well, InNeed and undertoe asked for more of my background, I just put it in 'my journal' section.  I know Ms Kanas ought to be able to figure out who i really am, I tried to check your age to see you were "my Connie".  connect the dots and most of ya have seen me if you are over 30, I aint ever telling the biggest story.

PLEASE PLEASE!!!  keep in mind that my main objective is HUMBLENESS!   This is not a bragging contest, just pointing out "the higher you rise the farther you CAN fall.    As Fireby said,"Just like Kyle said, this is now a life sentence, but it can be one of joy also.  That's only if we are doing what we need to to protect ourselves."""





Helpful - 0
2083449 tn?1381354708
Hey buddy, I don't think I've replied to one of your posts yet! I simply must agree with the others!  I think you are a breath of fresh air around here! You have a different way of communicating your journey, one that I believe can reach and touch all of us! I'm so glad that you joined us and I look forward to seeing and participating in your progress!  I'm trying to say, you have a lot to offer! Thanks! Take care!
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2107676 tn?1388973859
that should have said (and me too),  Damn computer lol
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3197167 tn?1348968606
Ok buddycrunch.....I'm clean_in_ks and also the "whom" referred to above that you think you "stole" the "letter from my addiction" from. You need to know you did not "Steal" anything.  It was not "my original" as NOTHING I ever say is original.  I'm just so glad it had an impact on you and others.  I typed it on my journal publicly to SHARE with others.  It is yours as much as mine.  So I am Connie AND Clean in Ks......dots connected??? LOL!

I'm also the one that chatted with you about my gabapentin experience.  I don't know about you, but it's hard for me to keep all the people, their histories, clean times, struggles, health issues, and relapse info straight!  My brain is beginning to "stay on task" a little better now.....but I still wander off.....and then feel really inadequate.

You sharing that you made it 6 yrs and then relapsed is something I, myself, and I'm sure many others,  needed to hear.  Not that I don't hurt for you.... I really do.....but we need to know that our addiction will ALWAYS be out there waiting for us.... and IF we choose.to walk away from our support system, refuse help with getting at the poisonous roots of our pain and our triggers, flirt again or hang out again with substance users and/or abusers... or make the horrid mistake of "lining up" and "conning" so we have a source again (or are sitting next to someone that offers us something we wouldn't have otherwise been offered) we need to know we make ourselves vulnerable.

Also, we tell ourselves we can still maybe "smoke weed" or "get intoxicated" and then EXPECT our "addict" brains to be able to think like they are clean and sober.  I personally haven't done that, but see where many others have failed by doing that.  That's why I think that ANY mind alteriing substance while recovering is a set up for failure. (IMO)  Just because it isn't an opiate, doesn't mean it will not alter judgement.

I was just 22 days clean when I "stumbled" onto that letter from my addiction.  It made me cry....hard.....and I didn't even FIND this web site or get on a computer until I was about 60 days clean......boy did I miss out on a lot.  I could not have FUNCTIONED on a computer in those early days and I had been in bed and out of commission for so long, I didn't know these type of forums even existed.  What a goldmine when I found MH!!

But, I am constantly amazed and reminded to trust God's timing with every little tiny detail of my life.....and He is so good to me/us!!   So, anyway,  I found all of you when I was suppose to and am so glad I did.

For me, the 12 steps have been such an excellent and healing way to live thru each crisis in my life....so I'm working them again now... as an opiate addict......not for codependency this time or issues that caused me a lot of pain by being raised in a primarily alcoholic family.  Since they were structured by some very wise people and the AA program was originally based on the book of James in the Bible (before the Big Book), I often wish the whole world would work them and we'd all be healthier......mentally, physically, and spiritually.!  So...as I was saying... I was introduced to the 12 steps at earlier points in my life......in my 20's twice and then again in my 30's and I really dug in and worked the steps.....step 4 being the hardest for me, so I am grateful NOW as an opiate addict that I at least rooted out some previously deep seated pain so I don't have as  much "buried so deep".  It makes this new journey with opiates a little easier and gives me a foundation.  And I'm not afraid to totally SURRENDER......  That being said....see I got wayyyy off track again....sorry....when I was only 20 some days clean, I was digging thru some of my tapes (not CD's ....tapes....old huh?) and
found a series called "The Road to the Recovery Zone".  It's the same 12 steps but taught from a Christian based perspective.  

All that rabbit trailing....to say....THAT's where I heard that "letter from my addiction" and wrote it all out......then later typed it onto my journal.

I'll shut up pretty quick (lol)....one more thing I found tonight in those same notes..."this new opiate free life is a DECISION......followed by a PROCESS.

It's a Lifelong process.....
It's gonna be hard and slow......
Old habits die hard.......
But it can be done when I am willing to receive God's gift of grace, trusting Him to change my life".

Maybe when you can't sleep tonight.....you can read my post here....and it will "put you to sleep".  LOL!

Blessings, Buddycrunch~










Helpful - 0
2107676 tn?1388973859
Sonrissa and I were talking last night and saying how we were glad you joined the forum, buddy.  I also said that you were Kyle like lol.
You just say it like it is.
Kyle sometimes takes abuse for it but eventually people will find out that he is right.  If they (and met too) had listened the first time, they would save themselves a lot of grief.
I truly believe that it does eventually sink in with some of us, so even if we get angry or offended when we first hear it, it stays with us.
This forum needs people like you buddy and also Kyle.
thanks
Pat
Helpful - 0
1970885 tn?1435860428
I'm not sure if its 50% or not.  I'd like to hope so. But no matter, I keep trying. Get discouraged sometimes, **** people off sometimes, but I know for a fact that there are one or two that I've helped a bit. Those are worth all the time and effort.
I was given so much support and guidance here that I feel the need to try and give back.
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Avatar universal
Hey Kyle, Firefby & Clicked    

Thank You, for your comments,  That has really helped.  I hope you all know how good it feels to see others posting here.  Now I know why it's even more important to start our own thread.  I'd like to ask you three a question, 2 of ya qualify to answer for being on more than me and Clicked for being a hot high school when I was in jr high.  Do you three figure we even bat 50% HERE?  Just wondering how close and personal to be, so far i've been checking everybody's profile.
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Avatar universal
Thank you for your encouragement to me. I am wishing you all the success. You are a compassionate person and so worth the effort. I think this is a great place to be it is what I needed and  I realized I am in this for the long haul. We all have to fight this.  I
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2107198 tn?1336136106
Hey man, I like how you keep it real.  No bull, just like Kyle.  We may not agree on everything, but I get a lot out of people who challenge how I think of things.  Just like Kyle said, this is now a life sentence, but it can be one of joy also.  That's only if we are doing what we need to to protect ourselves.  Thanks for your posts, hang in there.

Bryan
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Avatar universal
Thank you Pat, Overeasy, and selfinduced

The only thing I've done different in the past couple days, was on monday I started the amino acid protocal with what few items i could find in the health store, and increased the gabapentin 100mg per day, total 400mg on tuesday and 500mg today, the new bottle is 90 count of 300mg each and the directions say to take three times a day.  I'm still using from the first bottle of 100mg each.

Selfinduced, you are right about the honesty, last night I recieved an email from the admin/moderator of this website.  I had revealed to much about my own personal knowledge and experience on Megsterb133 thread and had two of my posts removed.  Well I'm glad to see this site has a mod, I should repost them differently so people understand why I have my opinion of ERs vs Specialist (why each is named appropriately and the difference in cost), and what the drug manufacturers ratio/formula is used for, (not just some handy info so we can swap one drug for another as it may have been percieved by spectators).  This is a great website full of fantastic people that I can't live without at this time.  I don't feel like going to meetings, this place has been my meeting for over a week solid 24/7.  Last night the wife asked why I was spending so much time on the laptop out in the shop.    

It helps when you guys started talking back to me, Thank You!
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1970885 tn?1435860428
Thank you, thank you. Some of the people who find this forum suggest that they will control their addiction, they'll look the devil in the eye, that it's just mind over matter - sheer willpower. I read those posts and alarms start sounding. I caution those folks (often very strongly) that they are just BSing themselves, as I did for over 15 years. My posts are usually met with resistance and an unwillingness to accept addiction for what it is - a life long struggle.  I can't tell you how much I admire your ability to come here and share; your's is one of the most important posts I've seen during my 10 months on this forum.  Again, I thank you for reasons only a long time addict might understand.
K
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Avatar universal
Hi Buddy, I have been admiring your post. Such raw honesty and support for others. Just lending my support. Jump off the tracks before the train has a chance. You've come so far and worked so darn hard. Make sure your getting proper sleep and getting some sunshine. This w/d and beyond is a rocky road for a bit. Keep talking...we're here. xx
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2107676 tn?1388973859
Hang in there Buddy.   Depression and sadness seems to be part of this horrible process of getting clean.  It magnifies everything at times.
It will get better.  Those endorphins will kick in before you know it.  Great job on that half mile walk.   I FORCED myself to walk around the block this morning and I thought that was good lol.  I swear I was staggering I felt so week and I am sure people thought I was drunk.
Oh well, I gave the neighbours something to talk about.
Stay strong and Big hugs to you
Pat
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Avatar universal
sometimes i can get way back and see largeamounts of the overall picture, and often I'm down to focusing moment by moment.

like last week, i could feel in my gut that things were too well and that I was going to crash sometime.  But I never seen this train coming yesterday at all, omg it's a big long train, it is devasting me atm.  So many triggersthat are bringin me down .........  

This very old dog I got from the pound last month made me go for a 1/2 mile walk, just got back, hoping some endorphines will start kicking in from it.
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2107676 tn?1388973859
Hi Buddy,
I am so glad you have joined this forum but sorry for the reason why you had to.  You are a huge asset to us and you are helping me stay clean.  I have the warm fuzzies about this forum because of people like you.  I don't know why but this forum is feeling like family to me this time.
I am glued to it during my withdrawals and there are so many special people here cheering me on.  
Thanks for the shout out and right back atcha.
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Avatar universal
Glad you see you back.  now go get it! :)
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