The sad part is my fiance comes home tomorrow from rehab and had a problem for 6 years ...I have a problem for 4 months and can't quit..I have no will power I've lost it..I'm so ashamed...how am I gonna help him when in my head keeps tellin me one more time and I **** up...I hate myself
Don't beat yourself up and don't give up. I know I didn't make it the first time, it took over a year. I don't think I'm the only one who couldn't just quit. You are not a bad person or weak, you are an addict. Addicts are amazing people when they are recovering, that includes you. Just jump back in and keep going toward sobriety with whatever strength you have. It will eventually stick.Go to any length. The only requirement for NA membership is the DESIRE to stop. You can do this as long as you keep trying. Good Luck.
THANK YOU WEAVER...This is my first relapse...I'm scared to go through withdrawls I don't wanna start this cycle all over...I'm so scared I feel so week...15 days ago I was swearing I wouldn't touch pills again :( I need to get my **** together for my fiance
We don't have to tell you that the last thing your fiance needs to be around is someone using drugs.
Don't over think this. You can do it. Cut all ties with your suppliers, tell your doctors, pharmacy....you know what to do. Then do it. Don't set yourself up for failure. Don't say you can't do it. I am a crippled up old lady and if I can do it, you can. Come on. Don't give up! It's only a few days of feeling bad. In a week, you will be on the other side.
Don't give up! Relapse doesn't mean you can't do it. Sure you've had a setback, but you can do it! I know it *****, this sickness the aches and the feelin that you ant breathe but it's only a short time compared to the rest of your life and a small price to pay. Take some time, regroup and get back to it! Get some help if you need it, there are support groups to help. Good luck!
I had to keep relapsing over and over until I hit bottom so hard, I finally had to do it for ME. I even told my wife that I wasn't doing it for her or the kids. It hurt her until she realized that I was incapable of doing it for anyone else.
On my last relapse, I was knocked unconscious on the street and my face was all bloody on my last relapse. The cops brought me back to consciousness and drove me home. I was beaten by some guys while in full blown methadone withdrawals. I crapped my pants, vomited on my bed, and got blood all over everything. I was almost dead.
You see, it can get worse, but you do have to do it for you, not the fiancé. Its too hard to quit drugs for someone else, our mind plays tricks on us, that's why we addicts need each other. We understand just how bad it can be and how hard it is. I hope you have access to some aftercare. That is what helped it stick for me. I'm sooo glad you didn't leave as your post said. It will only get worse, trust me, it can get real bad.
I just wanted to tell some of my story for perspective. You didn't fail, it's just part of your story. Someday you will help someone who has relapsed and say, "I KNOW, it feel horrible doesn't it, but you can do it." You can choose how the story goes.
Maybe you should look for a sponsor for YOU instead of looking for your boyfriend/fiance. Just a thought.
You are foolish to leave the forum. It will only fuel your addiction men tally which will lead you physically. I do hope you change your mind and stay. Not everyone here is clean. Some have the desire and that is all that counts.
I know it is a hard thing.. i was on these for 5 yrs at taking at least 25-30 a day.. the w d was horriable BUT i was on aq HEAVY dose and for a LONG time.. i got clean for 3 yrs... best time of my life (had 2 babies in that time after struggling to even get pregnant for over 5 yrs) i had a few surgeries over the last 3 months that required me to be back on them during my clean time i had NO desire to have them never even craved.. but after taking them for a fewmonths of coarse i got addicted AGAIN.. i decided the other day i was done on day 2 i relapsed w 10 pills.. back on day 1 again.. i really feel i NEEDED that relapse to show me that i do NOT want these in my life no more.. i am tired of the ups and downs, chasing and counting pills, i want to be my happy self again for me and be the mommy my kids deserve and the wife my husband deserves.. dont get me wrong i am doing this for ME..after i took those pills i realized they did nothing but make me feel worse.. they made the sick feeling from w d go away but gave me a different and worse sick feeling.. idk how i have to feel for a week a week is NOTHING compared to the freedom of life w out pills it may be hard and i am not feeling too horriable yet but i took the last of them about 7 hrs ago... i am claiming my faith in God to help me and keeping the devil under my feet where he belongs he only has power of suggestion no REAL power.. i hope for u u will stand up, wipe yourself off and get back on board think of the happy life u and ur boyfriend will have w out being chained to drugs.. u being on them only 4 mo is not going to be too bad for the w d get some vitamins to help u out.. wish u the best and i hope u choose to do this
Dont beat yourself up . learn from it you know what WDs feel like prepare yourself Ride the waves You can do this . You cant give up on yourself . You Have the desire and thats all that counts keep after it you will do this. This forum is a great place for support and advice. Sometimes its hard to hear the advice and we get upset but its just because deep down we know its true. We are all addicts and have to get up each day and work on it. But the reward is getting your life back! I have faith in you Dont give up okay <3
You might as well stick around. The 5 Vicodin you have left will be gone tomorrow, or should be by the time your bf gets home.
What are you going to tell him? I've been in treatment over 10 times and never made it much over a month after I got out before I used again. I think if my gf told me she had used the day before it would tempt me to start using again, not that I'm advising you to lie to him. It's that I don't know if 2 addicts can keep each other clean or will only end up contributing to each others addiction. My first wife went along with me not wanting to drink or use when I first got out but when I caved didn't try to stop me and seemed glad I did so she could too..
Thank you all of you so much...I'm not telling my boyfriend not because I want to lie to him but because he would be hurt and I DO NOT want to jeopardize his sobritey in anyway...I will try again and I'm attending a na meeting at 5:00 today
I think that's a wise move. Get rid of the rest of the hydros if you haven't already so as not to make matters worse and forge ahead. Learn from this and try not to make the same mistake down the road.
Sarah and IBKleen gave you good advice about maybe instead of looking for sponsor for him look for you its time now to take care of yourself also.
And telling him the truth would probably help you alot.
Wouldnt you want him to tell you and look at you for support. You can both be there and support each other. Strength comes in numbers. And this way if he knows maybe he can understand what your going through and you will be held accountable not only to yourself but to each other.
keep posting and I am sending you strength and support.
First of all, cut the drama...You're not a piece of ****; you are an addict struggling with something that hundreds have struggled with for many, many years. As I've posted before, I failed for over 15 years. During that time I tried to stop, but wasn't able - actually, I wasn't ready, really didn't want to.
If this isn't your time, well, then it isn't your time, but don't put yourself down or feel ashamed. At some point, hopefully very soon, you'll decide that you are really ready, and then you'll do it. Now, having said that, you have to understand that you are killing yourself, bit by bit, each day that you use. You are also gambling with the people that you love, jobs, etc. And as you get older, detox gets harder. You've made some progress - you've started posting on this forum, so that's a positive thing. Think about it. It doesn't get any easier.
Your right Kyle....I just feel stuck & deppressed...sometimes I just wanna give up I truly want to stop...and if I could just stop I would but I feel like I don't know ;-(..everything I've tried to acomplish good I quit..I'm numbing some kind of emotional pain but I don't know what???...maybe I need a tharipist...I feel like I'm not worthy of anything good in my life it makes me want to use ...even before pills I don't remember the last time I was truly happy...actually the last time I was on top of the world was when I met my fiance and after that things went to complete hell
are u and your fiance happy? just asking cause u said everythign went down hill after u met him.. not sure if that was referring to your relationship or just timing.. i don't like pushing God on anyone but i ALWAYS want to mention Him.. i am a believer and tho my lie has nto went perfect and i have fallen off the path a few times He has always picked me back up.. i know He forgives us for messing up and i felt NO self worth until i found God.. most people WON"T and DON'T.. because they look to the world for happiness and there is NOTHING in THIS world that is gonna do it.. again not pushing anythign just want to tell u that u too r a child of God even if you have not yet found Him.. he can break you of addiction and anything else if u will just be willing to say a prayer asking for forgiveness and accepting Jesus over your life.. so many people try for so long on their own and find nothing but when they give it to God that is when it changes.. i just felt bad that u think u r nothing and u r in God's eyes and he is hurting over you right now.. God Bless i will pray that you will find your way and your worth in Jesus!!!
You are as worthy as anyone else. The negative, poor me attitude is just a part of "romancing" your addiction. I'm not worth it, no one loves me, I don't deserve happiness, I just hold others back - and on and on. Just think, if you didn't have all of those excuses, then how could you justify using?
You are setting yourself up to fail; God, faith, whatever has nothing to do with this. If you want to find yourself, to discover the person you really are, then get out from under the fog. That's the first step. Leave the drama to the soap opera stars. Time for you to shine.
I appreciate your pragmatic approach and, as a recovering addict, who has been clean (out from under the fog) understand the need for newly recovering addicts not to sabotage themselves with self-pity. The truth sometimes hurt, when a person is first exposed to logic. Keep up the good work Kyle.
Thank you. I see someone like day struggling and my heart breaks. They've lost sight of the person that they once were and feel like they deserve the negativity; and the meds do nothing but keep them down. I want to shake them and get them to at least acknowledge that they matter - that they deserve happiness just as much as anyone else.
Oh well...Thanks again.
You got lot's of support and advice here. The only thing I wanted to add, is that I had 50 days clean from hydros. And I started weaning off Xanax around the same time. My taper is was too much. And i was waking up all the way thru the night. So, I relapsed. I took some for about a week so I could try to find peace. I am now 7 days clean of hydros again. Yesterday, was a great day. Today not so great.
The thing I know for sure, you are worth it. Its also progress not prefection.
I feel way better with the opiates gone. And my brain does too....
I admire your courage in being honest and posting. I was hiding under a rock in shame. So, you are my hero!
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