i joined a couple months ago thinking i would stop this. well i got back into my old habits. now this is what i don't get, how can i be addicted taking one maybe one and a half a day. and sometimes not everyday. sometimes i will go 2 days without. what is the problem?
Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. You can't predict it's twists and turns, but like a river it only flows one way . . . down hill.
Most of us who became constant, out-of-control, over-the-top, late-stage drug addicts started with very low level use, once in a while. Looking back, I can see that there was a huge problem long before I had any idea that I was in trouble. But I couldn't see it until it was almost tooo late.
Actually I wonder the same thing about myself. I didn't always take them every day but more and more I took them every day. I'd been taking them for about 5 years though. I was prescribed 2 a day and took 3 a day sometimes 4. For the longest time though I didn't take them on the weekends. Pretty much up until this year. Also we get drug tested at work so ever so often I'd have to not take them to pass the test and while I always thought, "This is a bummer" I never had the massive withdrawals I see others on here talk about.
But the thing is ... I know I was doing stuff not right. Figuring out ways to get more from my dr. Always wondering about taking the next pill. Making sure I took one before doing this or that activity. Worrying about running out. These things I do see as addictive behavior so whatever ... I think its best to just put them down. Especially after reading this board and seeing others.
I started reading the board about a year ago and I was just like you. "I don't take very many, I don't take them every day. I don't think its that big a deal for me". I had a very difficult year emotionally personally and I ended up relying on the pills to help me get thru. That was mistake. I'd sure like to go back a year ago and not stop reading the board ... to have quit a year ago.
My point is ... If you're wondering if you have a problem then its starting to become a problem even if its not now. I wish I'd have stopped at that point and it would be wonderful if someone else could learn from my mistake instead of having to make their own mistake.
welcome back, don't go there to shoulda,woulda,coulda.don't look back at past mistakes we all have them. just look forward, today is the first day od the rest of your life. if you are always thinking about if you have enougrt from wherever you can get it. th, counting them, afraid to run out,cant get through activities,days, events without them. then they are in control not you.you need to regain control of your life,body,thoughts and mind.you need to break the chains of addiction, it is a bondage. start to go to na,aa. keep posting. get suppot from wherever you can. get rid of all your pills and start your life of freedom today.
The good thing is that your habit was low, the bad thing is that it is a habit. So whether it is one or one hundred, it still is something that has created a problem for you, and deep down, I think you know that. It would be nice if addiction had to explain itself to us, but it doesn't. It just forces us to relinquish control and it is on us to get that control back.
Learn from the past, change in the present, and enjoy the future....good luck. Someone wise posted a quote that is simple but very deep....:Nothing will ever change if nothing changes."
The road to recovery is going to be interesting. Im on that road now. Its tough. Be glad you just wont accept that for yourself. Fight for yourself. Thats all you gotta do. I relapsed alot of times. Why?? Sure wish I knew. Dont think theres just one answer to the question. I dont want to be a pill head. I dont. I wont. Im my 2nd day into quiting feeling rough. Im not a pill head today. Im clean. It feels good to say that. Fight for yourself, You can do it. I realize Ill be fighting for myself each day.
i am on day 2 without. i did tell my daughter and my brother. well haha. who was i kidding. they knew. my brother was helping me out finacially but has cut me off. al.though he will talk to me. but he will not give me anymore of his money to spend on pills.
also i lost my job for the very reason of being on pills. i don't know how much lower i can go.
all this thinking going on in my head is driving me nuts. but someone told me earlier i just need to get my heart right first and then my head will follow.
thank you all so much for responding. it helps so much to read. i am going to try to find an na meeting to go to tonight. i have heard that helps alot of people.
thanks again guys and dont forget about me. please keep posting to me
you know i keep thinking about all the trouble i have gotten myself into with this addiction. doctor shopping and not even having insurance. letting my bills go to buy pills. will i ever get out of that debt?
like i said earlier i am on day 2 almost 2and a half. i hope i do start feeling better. i live with my daughter and i have to pay my share. she is somewhat understanding with me but she doesnt understand addiction. i want to talk about it but she keeps telling me just to get better. i want that more than anything in this world. i am although worried about the depression that may follow. because i have somewhat been depressed for several years. i was prescribed anti depressants but never would follow thru with them. but if it had been a hydro i bet i would have taken it on a daily basis.
anyway i am starting to get the rls and someone gave me a few valium to take. i took one just a few minutes ago. was that wrong to do? i have to have something to calm me down. in the past day 2 has always been the worst for me. i hope that is true this time. i hope i will feel a little better tomorrow. and i am looking forward to day 4. havent made it 4 days in a long time.
thanks for posting to me. reading this forum does help me keep a little sane.
well today is beginning day3. why did i think i would wake up and feel 100% better. i feel very tired and jittery today. i did take a valium yesterday. that probably didn't help my energy but it did help me sleep.
i need to go out and look for a job today. i told my daughter i would. i will try.
i guess i need to give myself a little more time before i start feeling better.
i really want to break this mean addiction. i have just got to remember the people i have hurt and the withdrawls.
i do hope i feel a little better tomorrow.
You're doing great. Just keep moving forward and you'll get better everyday. Some days are better than others but everyday is better than being high! Please don't fall inti the Valium/Xanax trap. Been there done that and it is a horrible time coming off that. If u have depression issues thar will magnify it when those run out and like all perscribed " mood altering" medications it will become an issue. I'm 25 days clean from Xanax and 13 clean from opiates. The wd from Xanax is doable but not a very easy ride to say the least. Just wanted to give u done friendly advice from someone who made that huge mistake. U can take Tylenol pm or advil pm or unisom or OTC cough syrup (follow directions exactly as listed ) and u will rest. No "hangover" or addiction as long as u use them for a short time until natural sleep regulates itself. Also I hear melatonin is good. I tried valerine root (sp) but that made me feel like my eyes were bulging. Ugh! Good luck and be strong. U just kinda have to suffer through wd for a bit then it eases up on it's own. Take some vitamins or drink ensure. That helps! Just don't trade one issue for another, if u have an addictive personality, anything that gives u a false since if well being is not to be tested! It will bite u in the rear!!! U can do it!!
i am sure i will feel better in a few days fass, i just want it to hurry and be over with.
and georgia i only have a few of the valium. i really don't think i will get addicted to them. i have had those only about 8 of them for like a month. i only took one just to help me sleep. but you are right having the addictive personality it can be dangerous.
i am gonna go out and try to get the L-Tyrosine and try it.
anyway i am gonna try to go take a shower or hot bath probably wont be able to stand up long enough for the shower due to lack of energy thanks to those damn pills. i hate them and do not want them in my life anymore
ok. so i managed to get up and take a hot bath and get dressed. whew. that wore me out. and i am a little shaky. next here in a few i will put on a dab of makeup and go apply for a job. i think i will even stop and get a cup of coffee. i used to enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning before i started enjoying a hydro every morning. oh to only get back to
enjoying the simple things.
i still worry alot about the financial mess i have gotten myself into. has anyone else gotten themselves into a financial mess like i have?
i am back from getting coffee and applying for a job. i also looked for a meeting to go to tonight. not bad considering i am on day 3. i don't feel too bad. so far this withdrawl has not been as bad as the other times. let this be a lesson to me.
after being honest with my family, i am gonna do this this time. i can't go back. i will not go back.
Hello there!! I was in the same boat, taking them here and there for a quick boost when the situation called for it, them pills are so funny how they just suck you in!! I had a neck injury, legitimate reason to take them, but when my doc cut me off I already had other "friends" that were quick to give them away... I sure wish I could have quit when I was in your shoes... Good job in recognizing and dealing with the problem early!! God bless and stay strong!!
thanks duluthguy. i am trying to stay strong.
this situation has been going off and on for about 7 years but, the last year and a half was when it got out of control. when i didn't have an RX for them i would buy them from "friends" who took advantage of my addiction and charged alot more than they should have. but can't blame them for my addiction problem.
i do feel more positive about this quit because i told my family.
as i lay here on my bed searching the internet. my tummy hurts just a little. i need to start eating again. i never would eat much because i didn't want food to mess up the high i may or may not have gotten. i ate about 1/3 of a sandwhich and drank a little milk.
good news is i did find a meeting that i am going to tonite.
i haven't heard much talk here about na meetings. does anyone go?
the meeting begins at 5:30. so i will be leaving here in about 30 minutes. i hope it goes well. i have been a couple times before but for some reason they never talked about what i thought they should or what i wanted to hear.
just got back from the meeting. it was an aa meeting but i think pretty much the same concept, addiction. it was very interesting. nice to be around people who can call me an addict and understand. i wil be going everyday. one man was there who has been sober 27 years. wow! can you imagine?
i will be 50 this friday i may not be around in 27 years but if i am i am gonna get my 27 year chip.
hope everyone is doing ok.
by the way i talked to my brother earlier. and i just started crying. he said he misses his sister. we were the best of friends. i always told everyone that my brother was my best friend. but you all know who became my best friend. Mr. Hydro. but mr hydro was not a friend at all. i have found out he is my worst enemy. he almost destroyed me. all i can do is pick up the shattered pieces and try to move on and put them back together. oh what a long time that is going to take. . tomorrow will be day 4. i am feeling somewhat better tonight. at least i had the energy to do the things i did today. went to get coffee, filled out an application and went to a meeting. not bad for being 3 days sober. i hope i feel even better tomorrow. i don't expect miracles i realize this is gonna be baby steps. but every step will be forward not backward.
and if anyone is reading my babbling today, especially just starting , trust me it does get easier. i know it seems impossible. but i am doing it and you can too. i do recommend going to meetings. i think this place and the aa/na meetings will be my lifelines.
i don't know who started this site but thank you for it.
i am glad to be sober 3 days
today i am on day 4. not bad. got up and went to a job interview.
i am not feeling well today. not so much physically as mentally. when i first got up, oh and i didn't sleep much, but i was thinking about my interview and my first thought was once i take a pill i will get thru this. now i didn't take one of course but why is it when you get thru i guess the worst part of the withdrawls and start feeling a little better, does that little voice kick in and think that you can take one and it will be okay.
i guess i need to go to a meeting at noon today. maybe that will help.
any answers to that please??
i don't want to take anything. i want to stay sober.
As i tell my self daily... God grant me the Serenity...
just got back from another meeting. i will probably go to another tonight.
interesting to hear others talk about there problems. mine are so small compared to others. but to me they are big.
i feel like i am walking around in a fuzz. i mean i feel better physically but i guess the mental part takes awhile.
i must say though it is nice to be sober.
my body hopefully can only get better. the debt i have incurred well that's a different story.
my brother is sending me money to pay my bills. and NO i will not buy pills with it. i cannot go back to that. i don't know what i would do without him.
i still feel funny. i think i am anxious. possibly out of boredom. i have cleaned house and done laundry today. i have no job so there is not much to do. i think being bored was part of the reason i took pills. i don't know.
i am going to a meeting again in a little while. i hope i don't OD on meetings but better than OD'ing on something else.
the energy level is coming back. i just need more stuff to do. hopefully i will get a job soon. well at least if i do i will be able to pass a drug test. see sobriety has it's good points.
i hope i never go back to the old dede. i know it will take many months maybe even a year to really feel great. so i can only take one day at a time and not worry about that.
well, i have made it to day 5. i took a melatonin last night. i slept all night, mostly a restless night but slept.
when i woke up this morning i still feel tired. also i am somewhat dizzy. dont like that feeling. hopefully it will go away.
Does anyone know if there are any long term affects from abusing our bodies for so long or maybe even permanent affects?
Hey, congrats on making it to day 5! I'm still tapering. Sure, there can be long term effects, but it depends on a lot of things, like how long, how much, and just plain luck of DNA. I'd worry about getting healthy & not think too much about that right now. You should be past the dangerous part of detox, so concentrate on rebuilding your body. Eat right, exercise, & do things like go for a walk or watch a good movie, listen to music - this helps you retrain your brain to release endorphins without drugs. Takes time, but hopefully you'll get back to 100% the best you've ever been.
well day 5 isn't as exciting as i thought it would be. i am very tired today. don't feel like doing much. but i do intend on going to a meeting again whether i feel like it or not.
sometimes it seems so much easier to take a pill so i don't feel like crap. but would it be worth it. definetly not. so i am not going that route. i can't turn back now.
i guess i am just expecting miralces here at day 5. sigh...
you will be there just hang on and you will start feeling better very soon and you will just love the new you so take it from me everything your doing now ,you might not feel 100% but soon you will and all this pill taken junk will be over so your doing great ,your at 5 days well it will be a week soon but don't worry about that now remember ONE DAY AT A TIME and you will accomplish what you are trying to do here and that's get off the pills and stay off the pills so just know you are doing a great job so keep up the great progress..god bless.jeff.
i am getting ready to go to a meeting again. have been everyday this week.
i guess if i had a job or something to do that might help with energy and being bored. that was usually my problem with taking pills. just bored i guess. i don't know.
but yes i am looking forward to being clean a week. this coming sunday will be 7 days.
and i do know, one day at a time.
Honestly the best way to detox is Suboxone. Tried everything from methadone, cold turkey, rehabs in and out patient, xanax and more. If you have never done xanax and can get some for a FEW DAYS it helps. My advice: NO METHADONE EVER, I cant stop cold turkey, Xanax very sparingly, its a killer to quit and lasts longer. If you have access to suboxone take it, its a miracle. Just make sure you NEVER take it if you have other opiates in your system. Precipitated W/D almost made me take my own life... No bs. You have to be in detox to take suboxone please listen to me!!! The only scary thing is it makes it too easy to detox, and easy to use again becasue of the ease of detox. Suboxone is hard to get though so it shouldnt be a problem. I went back and forth for a while becasue a guy was selling his Subs to by H, but hes gone now and I would have to go back the doctor to get more Subs. If you want a mild detox Suboxone is the only way!!
DeDe congrats on 5 days, as far as the energy come back it will just give it time. Exercise also helps with energy and jump starting your natural biochemistry (endorphins etc;). So hang in there and its great that you are going to AA/NA meetings you will learn alot about yourself. God Bless---Rick
Hey dede congrats on day 5....your progress is good your getting stuff done going to meeting you will start to feel better with time no 2 withdrawals are the same so dont compare yourself to anyone else there are a lot of factors in getting well....like how long you where on it and at how hi a dose....your age are all factors....the chance of permanent damage is very slight with opiates ...I road the pill train for 10yrs then another 6 1/2 yrs on methadone
if I can come back from a 16 1/2yr habit and recover any one can my habit was hard and heavy and methadone is notorious for being hard to come off of...I went threw physical withdrawals for 2 weeks then I was dope sick for the rest of the month it was around 90 days that I finely started to come around ...try not to get discouraged early on you will gradually start to feel better it comes in baby steps it sounds like your sleep is already starting to come back thats a real good sigh sleep is usually one of the last things to return ....good nutrition is important and I always recommend whey protein shakes to everyone detoxing there loaded with vitamins essential amino acids along with the protein all of witch the brain needs to heal...walmart has a 2lb can for 15 bucks the chocolate flavor is good all you do is mix it with milk drink 2 a day it will speed up your recovery ...keep up with the meetings there critical to your recovery we need to change the very way we think to live in recovery once its all said and done life is a beautiful place once again....I wish you all the best with your recovery good luck and God bless...Gnarly
thanks all. just got back from a meeting. that helps me so much.
and day 5 is about over.
i started taking vitamins and iron. that helps with energy.
and case thanks but i don't need the suboxone(sp). i am feeling better. i think the worst of the WD'S are over. i will do this with no drugs.
and about the valium i have a few left but have only taken one since my withdrawls. so that wont be a problem for me.
i know what i have to do to get thru this.
my brother sent me a check today for 600.00. at this time i really think i could handle money but, i gave it to my daughter to give me as needed. any other time i would have went immediately and bought pills. i filled up my gas tank. something i would never do just in case i needed money for pills. didnt want to waste it all on gas. i had breakfast and supper. another thing i would not eat cause i would rather get high. i know these things may sound silly to you all but to me it feels so good to do the right thing.
thank you all for helping me.
i will be on here everyday posting my progress and reading.
hugs to all of you
so my daughter and i actually went out tonight shopping for a little while. it's nice to get back to simple things.
when i was on pills i felt good, like i could conquer the world but never really did anything.
tomorrow is my birthday and i will turn 50. i will definelty try to make the next 50 years much better.
Dede happy early b'day and many more sober ones isn't soooo nice just to appreciate the simple things? Keep on going you will make it through I am pulling for you. God Bless you and your daughter---Rick
i have a question if someone could answer. i have been taking what i think is melatonin, well i guess it is a generic melatonin. it is called mid nite. my brother got it at target. i read the box and it says no morning grogginess, non habit forming and drug free.
my question is why do i feel, well hard to explain but i have a headache when i wake up?
good morning. I don't necessarily think the melatonin is causing the headaches. I had one every morning since I quit taking vicodin 11 days ago (except I just realized I didnt have one when I woke up this morning!) . Anyways melatonin did not work for me, caused some crazy nightmares and I never felt right after I took it. Just my 2 cents.
day 6. still tired. i am kind of irritable today.
i felt tired and got up and took vitamins. multivitamin and iron. that seems to help but doesnt really kick in til later on in the day.
i was hoping to feel a lot better today. but maybe i am pushing it. now i feel ok, i just dont like the no energy thing.
ok after what seemed or what i thought was a bad day turned out better. reason being is because i went to a meeting. i do recommend these.
you know how sometimes you feel so alone in all this and i do everyday but, i go to the meetings and i know there are people just like me. some better, some worse. but we are all in the same boat.
i feel a little better now.
when i go to bed tonight i don't think i will take a melatonin. i feel so tired when i get up. so i am gonna try a night without and see if that makes a difference.
Dede when you take your vitamins try taking over the course of the day. Because when you take the all at once and get a megadose it doesn't get absorbed and is excreted out. Try splitting your multivitamin in have and take some hours later. This way your body is using the vitamins more efficiently. Melatonin works great but what works better is chamomile tea (Sleepy Time) it definatley helps you sleep. I am glad to hear you had a better day. Keep it up you are doing great---Rick
oh and thank you nicole.
tomorrow will be day 7. i thought it was sunday. but i have been clean since sunday so saturday will make 7 days sober. i am proud of myself. not easy but i know it is worth it.
today is day 7. i was sitting outside a few minutes ago and thinking how bad i felt this time last week. now i am still not up to par but better than i was this time last week. like i say everyday, i just wish the energy would come back.
i did take my vitamins this morning but i cut them in half.
i am bored. i went out riding around in my car for awhile and got a cup of coffee. i get tired of driving around tho because i get tired of changing gears. my next car will be an automatic.
cant wait til 5:30, at least i can go to a meeting.
i feel like i have no friends because the good friends i had in my life i pretty much dumped them to hang out with addicts. havent talked to some of them in almost 2 years.
i have got to keep postive and think things will get better.
good news is i am still 7 days drug free.
so i go to my meeting tonight and of course i turn my cell phone off. when the meeting is over i turn my phone back on and there were 2 text messages. one from my daughter and the other from the people i was getting pills from. the text said are you alive. i just stared at it a few minutes and then deleted it. NOT INTERESTED.
that was actually pretty easy to do. F*** them. find someone else to sell your pills to. you people will not get anymore of my money, EVER!
dede 2121 ... I just read through your whole thread ... Awesome! Wow, you've got a whole week in now. That's great. Yeah the energy does take awhile to come back, but little by little it will. I'm so happy for you.
day 9...........who would have thought. i am so proud of myself. this place helps me alot. i come here and read stories and i dont feel so alone. also aa/na helps wonders. i plan on going to 90 meetings in 90 days.
i feel pretty good today. a litle blah but that is out of boredom and not having a job.
9 days!!! 90 meetings in 90 days!!! I need to do what your doing. You rock. Your doing your part dede 100% Youre gonna make it because of that. I just cant wait to see your posts this week. Try and not worring about ANYTHING other than staying clean and getting better. Its the only thing that really matters right now. Im so happy that your starting to feel better. I know your not running on all cylinders but by the end of the week you will. The texts from the dealers wondering if your still alive. They dont care. I get the same texts. They only wonder why I am not giving them my hard earned money and thats sad. I got the exect text last week are you still alive it was scary. I know if I keep using that one day-I wont be alive and someone in my family will get that message from a drug dealer. They will forget about you and thats the best thing that could happen to you. Keep up the good work. Youve made me see the light. Ill be hitting a meeting tonight too. Once a week isnt cutting it but I know its alot better than not going at all. Im proud of you. That job you need is right around the corner I know it.
Boy I understand the boredom thing. I'm also out of work currently looking for a job and the boredom is tough. My house has never been so clean (lol) and I find myself "looking" for more laundry even though its basically caught up. You never would have found me doing this before when I was on the pills. :-)
And nice job on deleting that text. I remember when I quit about a week after my sister sent me a text trying to give me pills. She knew I had quit. It was really messed up. Not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that. I mean, she's my sister??? WTH?
Anyway - congrats on day 9! You should be VERY VERY proud of yourself!! :-)
physically i am much better today than i was this time last week.
although i am having some tummy issues. kind of upset. i took vitamins this morning and my stomach got to hurting. so i had some scrambled eggs. still a little upset but better.
yes and throwin, those drug people don't care about me only my money. which they wont get anymore.
and i will go to 90 meetings in 90 days. they seem to make me feel so much better. sometimes when i go in there and have the weight of the world on my shoulders it seems to lift somewhat after i listen to them. it's very comforting.
so things are looking up with this new found freedom i have. i got a job today. thank God.
and the best news is i can pass a drug test. she told me that when she called that i would be given a drug test. no problem. it sure is nice to be sober. this time last week, things to me were looking so grim but now and everyday things seem to get better. now i know i still have a lot of work to do especially with the financial part. but i think i can do it. being sober will help me a whole lot.
the meeting was good tonight. lots of people there. i still recommend this to people still struggling and cant find something that works for them.
i have done the first step which is admitting i am powerless over addiction. i just never could grasp that before. but for some reason that has kicked in and it is keeping me sober.
today when i was out just driving around i had to go thru many red lights. well they were all green. i dont know if anyone will understand this but when i was on pills and trying to hurry and get my next fix it seemed like i was always stopped at a red light. that irritated me and slowed me down. i don't know maybe i am just rambling but it was nice to not to be in a hurry and get so upset.
also last week i had 200.00 in my purse and today i have 160.00. now if i had been on pills that money would have been gone in 2 days. it makes me sick to think of all the money i have wasted. i will try not to dwell on that. i have many cobwebs to untangle myself out of but at least i will be able to do it without pills.
newbies if you read this, you can quit. i promise it does get better. i thought i was just hopeless and doomed. but that cloud hanging over your head will go away if you want it bad enough.
Oh yea, I can relate to your driving story. I used to feel so sick to my stomach when I was on my way to pick up pills. All of the red lights used to drive me crazy, just sitting in my car, feeling sick to my stomach because I had no pills, and also feeling sick to my stomach because I was about to GET pills (how screwed up is that??). Its like my body knew long before my head did that the pills were the LAST thing I needed.
Maybe all those red lights were trying to tell us something too. Like, STOP??
day 10. woke up this morning about 5:30. got about 7 hrs sleep. got in my car to go get coffee. then came home and made BREAKFAST. cant believe i did that. food is something new to me. i didnt eat much taking pills. i would go days and not eat nothing. hell no wonder i felt bad. now i will take my vitamins. i took them yesterday and they made me somewhat sick. so i will take them now since i have eaten.
so not feeling too bad today. gotta find something to do until the meeting tonight. maybe clean the kitchen and go to the grocery store.
i know boring stuff to you all but huge accomplishments for me. i havent done much of anything in a long time. feels good to be more normal.
i have also been crocheting this morning. i havent crocheted in about 5 years.
Hey there dede, its so good to hear things like that & 7 hours sleep sounds like heaven to me. I know what you mean about doing "normal" things like popping to the shop & great that you are starting to take up an old pastime, it really gives me a lot of hope, I bet you feel real proud of yourself & so you should :-)
It's about 11:00 am here. and feeling pretty good. today i have washed dishes, cleaned out the fridge, washed 2 loads of laundry, went to get coffee and taken my dog out twice. i just dont understand why i had to take pills. i thought i could conquer the world on them only to conquer nothing.
i love being free of pills.
You are absolutely awesome. I started following your progress when you began withdrawals and felt so bad for you. I had to check your progess 2 to 3 times a day and found myself so relieved each time that you hadn't gone back to using.
I've been drawing strength for myself by trying to use your strength. Thank you. In a small way you're already giving back way more than you ever took. Keep your chin held high, if you've helped me then you've doubtless helped many more and didn't even realize it.
When I went thru my worst withdrawal ever I took two weeks off from work and just roamed around the house. When I went back to work I didn't do much more than go into my office, close the door and stare out the window. I did that for two or three weeks.
I don't think I could have ever done all the things you did while going thru this.
aww, eye and duluth. you guys are great.
i don't know what it is this time but something just kicked into my brain and i knew i had to stop this.
i think i am doing so well because i didn't take that many. like i said one or two a day mostly. although when i had an RX for 30 at a time i would take as many as 9 a day. but that was rare.
i am thankful to this site and na/aa and the good lord for helping me thru this and making me see the light.
and eye, i feel so honored that i am a good influence on you. i have never been told that before. so that makes me feel so good.
getting ready to go to a meeting. i am feeling somewhat funny now. i have like a guilty feeling. one that turns your stomach. does anyone know what that is about.
i almost talked myself out of going to a meeting but i have got to be strong and go. i cant let Lucifer take over my body anymore or my mind.
hopefully i will feel better once i get out of the meeting. i usually do.
I've read hundreds of posts and responses and for some reason your story caught my eye. You indeed are a good influence on me. I quit again back in August and for the most part I've done pretty well. I've taken pills on maybe 3 occasions and those were spaced out several weeks apart. My problem is that I use no matter how well I seem to be doing.
So every day when I see that you're hanging tough I say to myself " if dede can make it thru today without using so can I".
And it's seems like the strangest thing to me but these last 4 or 5 days you've turned into my new DOC. I find that I can't get thru the day unless I'm checking your progess at least 3 or 4 times a day. When I wake in the mornings I can't get to my phone fast enough to see where you're at.
I guess for now I'm going to be addicted to dede2121. Is that okay?
well eye, you are so sweet. i am glad you are addicted to me. please read my posts anytime you want. i am glad that i inspire you.
ok. update on tonights meeting. as you know earlier i said something about feeling guilty, well that was pretty much the topic of the meeting. my guardian angels and the dear lord are sure talking to me.
i guess i will feel guilty for awhile off and on. probably for all the crap i have created. i just need to face the fires when i come to them and "man up" and walk right through them no matter how hot they are. after all i lit them.
but as usual i came out of the meeting feeling much better.
when i got back home i went to the grocery store. cant tell you the last time i went to the grocery store. i never ate much taking pills.
once again it is so nice to do normal things again. what an awful life i was leading. and physically i am feeling stronger everyday.
oh and when i was in the grocery store those fools who used to sell me pills called. i just ditched the call. i thought about changing my phone number but dont really want to because it is so much trouble. hopefully those idiots will take the hint soon and stop bothering me. of course it really doesnt bother me too much or tempt me. i just smile and think how wonderful i feel and how screwed up their lives are.
day 11. i slept all night but woke up with a slight headache. just a smidgeon tired.
i start a new job tomorrow. it will be nice to start a job not on pills.
i hope that i continue down this road. i never want to go back. i know the temptation will always be around. i will just have to face it and make the right choice. i was always one to do things on impulse and think about it later. hopefully i can work on that.
From what I'm reading, you may be closer to being that person who doesn't act on impulse than you realize as you wrote "i was always one to do things on impulse and think about it later". See? You used the word "was"!!! And on top of that you're thinking about that NOW, not "later".
Good morning dede! I hope this finds you doing well today. So you and I are gonna add another clean day to our calenders right?
Starting a new job tomorrow! That's so great. It occured to me this morning on my drive into work that you'll be starting this new position with a mostly clear mind. And you're probably not at 100% energy level yet either. So I was thinking that if they're pleased with your performance during your probation period then they are going to be blown away by you when you get back to your normal natural self.
Enjoy your last day of freedom and then go in there tomorrow and kick some major butt. Can't wait to hear how the first day goes for you.
yes eye, another clean day to our calendars. and you are right. i am still not 100%. i have mostly just sat around this morning. i feel a little depressed. i am hoping going back to work will conquer that. i have a probabtion period of 90 days. i should and hope to be feeling marvelous by then.
just praying that i stay clean. now i am not wanting anything but, i have been reading so much on here about people failing(maybe a bad choice of word) but i am so afraid that will happen to me. i have got to always keep my guard up. and that in itself will be tough.
so maybe between work and going to a meeting everynight that will keep my brain occupied. all this sitting around and thinking is driving me nuts.
just stay strong dede one day at a time ,don't think to far ahead your doing great i know your reading and thinking but just don't let it get the best of you,keep up the great progress .god bless you.jeff..
Keeping your gaurd up! Get this, this morning I made arrangements to meet a client this afternoon that didn't want to deal with anyone but me.(I'm trying real hard to not have to leave the building during the day right now). This is in a town just north of the one I'm in. I'll be damned, as soon as I hung up the phone I was thinking "Ooooh, I can score pills while I'm up there". (because I have so many times before) That stopped me dead in my dead in my tracks. I just shook my head and thought to myself... hey you idiot, we're not doing that anymore.
The scary thing about this is that right now I've got my gaurd on high alert with lots of positive thoughts and dedication to get past this. And yet for one quick second I started working out in my head how early I'd need to head up there to do it before my meeting.
I immediately logged in here to get myself back off the ledge.
Right now I don't leave the house except to come to work. I'm busy at work and as you can see I still manage to spend a good chunk of time here so that's good and as soon as I get home I log on here read posts until bedtime. I spent the entire day Saturday and Sunday on here. Seriously, 15 or 16 hours both of those days. I plan on doing this routine until I forget about those old routines that led me to using. I know I'm not learning new ways to live my life right now but I am de-learning the old ways.
I too am afraid of failing. The fact is people who are addicts do tend to fall off the wagon. I think I've heard it's something like 80 or 90 percent fail rate. I've spent a lot of years in that club. I think I now deserve to join the 10% club. So do you. You and I are both too old to keep getting picked by the losing team. And I'm really tired of being outsmarted by this.
So if you'll help me watch my back I've got yours. I plan on being here for at least a year and probably two just to make it past the PAWS stage thats going to start screwing with us in about 5 or 6 months. I've also read that studies show that addicts that make it to the 5 year mark rarely relapse.
Lets you and I make a pact that we'll get there and celebrate our many successes. Yeah?
thanks jeff, i sometimes forget One Day at a Time.
eye, i've got your back. i need the extra encouragement myself. i am having somewhat of a sad day. i guess a little depressed.
i also plan on being here awhile. just like going to meetings, i plan on going everyday whether i want to or not.
i had to go across town and get some medicine for my dog and when i got in my car i thought about getting some liquor. reason being is that i would always drink and drive and take pills. liquor wasnt really a big issue for me. but it's like i am looking for something to replace the pills. everytime pills cross my mind and they did today for a sec thinking oh just one. but what would that solve? i have always had a hard time admitting failure and to admit it to my family was so humbling. i dont want to go thru that again. i really and truly dont want to take pills anymore. this is such a struggle.
but i am gonna keep pushing and get thru this.
A couple of weeks back I was feeling the same way. Now, looking back I'm not sure if I was really depressed or just in mourning to be losing what was such a big part of my life. I hear it actually gets worse when we hit the 6 month mark and enter the Post Acute Withdrawals Stage. I'm preparing for that now so I'll be ready to meet it head on.
I'll tell you this though Dede I hit that 21 day mark or there about, and realized I was feeling pretty good, sleep was getting consistent, aches and pains were subsiding and that nagging downer feeling lifted. That with the encouragement and support I found here got me excited for the first time that I may actually do this right for once.
As far as feeling sad right now.... try this. This evening when your getting into your own head too much sit down with a legal pad and start considering this new job of yours. Start setting goals of what you want to accomplish with this position. Where do you want or expect to be at the 3 month, 6 month and 1 year mark. Get yourself excited about the possibilities that lay ahead. Let's say for instance that there is a supervisors or managers position that you want. Long before the position opens up start stacking the odds in your favor by doing those things that would be expected of you in that position. Assume the role (don't step anyones toes) and carry yourself in a manner befitting a person in that position of authority. When the time comes to promote it'll be a forgone conclusion that Dede's the one for the job. That's how I got where I'm at. I started here as a peon making $8.50 an hour and now....well let's just say Obama extending the Bush tax credits was very benificial to me.
I roll out of bed each morning these past couple of weeks and thought of something to be excited about. I keep that with me all day and it helps push back the blue moods. Today I woke up and I was excited for Dede (that's why I was thinking of you on my way to work) you're getting clean, starting a new job and I was excited to possibly be making a new friend. Yesterday I chose to be excited about being clean for the first time in a long time during the holidays.
Are you looking forward to your new job. Or is this just a temporary job to get cash flow going again until something better comes along? Either way, keep your eyes open for unexpected opportunities.
Also, stay away from the liqour. It doesn't work, I've tried.
HI Dede good to see you posting about your feelings it good to air them out....im so happy to here your hitting meetings everyday you will soon start reaping the rewards for your comitment....I just wanted to take a minute to encourage you I know your a little down from your post.....we all get days like this just remember tomorrow is another day with a brand new fresh start....also early in recovery your brain chemistry is all out of wack your endorphins are low because your not feeding your brain pills anymore your serotonin is ether to high or to low it will take a wile to stablize its low if your depressed your dopamine
is off if your still having problems with sleep ...with a little time things will balance out your brain will go back to making its own endorphins and life will be good again the time frame is different for everyone no to withdrawals are the same hang in there keep hitting the meetings your doing a great job with your recovery everything will start to fall into place
I wish you all the best in your recovery good luck and God bless.....Gnarly
gnarly, i soooo appreciate your words of encouragement. it made me feel better reading your post.
eye, you are my new best friend. i know i am still early in my recovery and i guess i am expecting miracles to happen way to soon.
as far as the job, it is in my field of work which is nursing. it's not my ideal place to work but it is in nursing. i am looking forward to it. and i will post tomorrow after i get home and let you know how it went.
you know maybe i am in morning about losing the addiction. it damn sure kept me busy. always on the road. riding somewhere to get pills. i have too much time on my hands now. but that will cease tomorrow. because i will go to work, come home change clothes and go to a meeting. i love those meetings. it's amazing how listening to people you dont know and them making you feel better when you leave.
Day TWELVE! That's so good. In fact it's great! I didn't know you were a nurse. Much respect for that. Just watching that show ER was enough to sometimes trigger my gag reflex, so I would never be able to stomach the stuff you see on a daily basis. lol.
I think it helps us when we finally start to feel like we're needed and respected again and can start holding our heads up a little higher. I'm thinking your career would offer two scoops of each of those feelings.
So I guess I'll be sitting here on my hands wondering and hoping your first day isn't too stressful on you and that you're going thru your day with a genuine smile on your face. I'll be mad if they were mean to you on your first day. I've always been a little too over protective when it comes to certain people. I'm 6' 5" and 245 Lbs and everyone that knows me would tell you I'm just a big teddy bear and really I am but strangers don't know that, so my size alone is usually enough to get my point across when I have to tell someone to stop messing with so and so. Give me the word and I'll come over there set people straight if they're not nice to you. Lol....
My day is going to be another great one. I've set up a few staff meetings for this afternoon. I'm going to let them know that after the holidays we're going to be making some changes to get this ship back on course. I'm pretty sure it's mostly been my fault but they don't need to know that. We succeed as a team and we fail as a team.
I'm going to be the leader that I know I can be and have been in the past.
Anyway I can't wait to hear how it went today for you. And while you're reading this understand that I've been thinking about you all day hoping that you're feeling happy.
hello my friend. just got back from a meeting. went there straight from work. it was all orientation today. so no one was mean to me. you know how they are on your first day. then after you get on the floor the claws come out. i will let you know if you need to come to tennessee and beat someone up for me. lol
hasnt been to bad of a day. thank god for work. it kept my mind busy all day. boredom ***** because all you have to do is sit around and think.
and eye you crossed my mind today also. hope your day went well.
tomorrow my brother is coming in from kentucky for a few days. gonna be busy with him and work and meetings. i have to work from tomorrow until tuesday. i am thinking about picking up a second job at night. just a few nights a week though. i have just about exhausted all my finances from my ugly habit i had.
so all in all today was not a bad day.
oh and when i got in my car this afternoon, i had the trip set and i looked at it and the damn thing said 666.6. good grief. what was up with that. i didnt look at it again until i got a few miles down the road to get rid of those numbers. lol
I'm very happy that your first day went well. I was on pins and needles all day wondering how it was going for you. Pleased that I won't need to come and straighten anyone out.lol..
And since you're hitting that 2 week mark tomorrow it's especially good to hear that your brother (and best friend) will spending a few days with you to help get you started on week 3 with some good healthy distractions. Very nice.
My wife and I went to dinner with a group of friends last night and got home kinda late so I didn't write back last night but I did check in with my phone several times until I finally saw your post. It made the rest of the evening more enjoyable.
Your post was on my mind as I was falling asleep and I kept coming back to your thoughts on getting a second job. I know you've got to settle your finances but I couldn't help wonder if it may be too soon. I don't want to see you fall into the trap of thinking you need the extra edge of energy and confidence we think we get from pain killers to manage that kind of schedule. Though I know you're intelligent enough to of thought of that already so I guess I'm just a worry wart.
It's day 29 for me and starting tomorrow I enter the danger zone where I get a month or so clean and then start the "one time won't hurt" cycle. I have to be extra alert until I can get to the other side of 40 days.
But for today....we're not gonna use right? I'll catch you later and congratulations on accomplishing so much these past two weeks. Have a good day at work.
first day on the floor. not bad.
note to self....get some better shoes.
i have new tennis shoes and they killed my feet today. oh well.
i asked if i could have tomorrow off to spend time with my brother. so that is good. the only thing is i will probably miss a meeting tonight. he will be here in about an hour. it makes me nervous to miss a meeting. i have gone everyday since i quit.
today is another day clean. feels pretty good. i dont want to go back to taking pills. i would never get thru this job if i did. i cant and wont live my life that way anymore.
eye, i dont think i will need a pill if i get a second job. i really dont want them anymore.
i hope you do ok on your month anniversary coming up. i have had those thoughts a time or two already about, hmm maybe just one. but i will always have to remember the consequences.
i hate to miss a meeting tonight. maybe i will see what my brother has in mind for tonight and if nothing i can always run there and back. it is only an hour long. it takes about 20 minutes to get there. i don't know we'll see.
i will check back in a few. gotta let my doggie out.
today is day 13 or 14, i forget. not too bad. went to work. if i was still on pills i would not be able to do this job. i am so glad to be clean today.
oh wait. i just looked at the calendar. it is day15. i feel really good today. except it is snowing and freezing here. i had to go into turtle mode on the way home from my meeting.
oh and listen at this. there was a new girl at the meeting today. i started crying listening to her story. she was in rehab and got kicked out for using. she lost her kids and has nowhere to go. i felt so bad for her. she is homeless. she said she was hungry and thirsty. i think she has pretty much hit bottom. i hope she learns from this and pulls herself up. i wanted so bad to offer her a place to sleep tonight but i live with my daughter and could not do that. i really hope she will be ok.
drugs are cruel. they do mean things to people.
i do not want any part of them anymore.
i did have a wierd dream last night about me trying to find drugs. and then another that i found some and just kept sitting there thinking about taking them. dont remember much about the dream but that was weird.
maybe that is part of recovery.
anyhoo all in all it has been a good day thanks to being clean and sober.
Congrats on 15 days and Yes drugs are cruel to people and God willtake care of the poor girl from the meeting. As far as the dreams they are normal I had many bizzare drug dreams when I was detoxing this to will pass. Great going and keep it up we are all proud of ya. God Bless---Rick
well today wasnt a bad day. i dont get on here much lately. i guess working and going to meetings keeps me busy.
i was on my way home today and was thinking, if i had been on pills i would be leaving work when i got off and headed somewhere to get pills. that sometimes would take a couple of hours. i am so glad i dont go searching for them anymore. i know it is just one day at a time but i do worry about the future. i dont want to go back to them.
hey dede congrats on day 16 glad to hear your doing very well and working and going to meetings and keeping your mind occupied ,really i think that's what make's a lot of people relapse is just pure boredom like there's nothing else to do why not use ,that's why i think it's good to keep yourself busy stay away from bad influences and keep that drug headed mind that we all on here have or had occupied you know and take it one day at a time that's what i seem to have noticed and i think just even talking with your friends on med help there just good drug free people and we get newbies all the time and try to help them as the elders have helped us get to where we are in our recovery ..i mean that's how i feel may be right may not be but so far it's working out great,keep up the great progress dede your doing just awesome ,god bless...jeff...
Hey Dede, glad to hear you're doing okay and keeping busy. One day at a time is right. I agree with Jeff's post about stopping in here to pass along some of the advice and experience we got to others.
I can see me having the same problem as you with getting by here as much as I did this past week or so. The holidays', x-mas parties starting to ramp up and work will soon start to consume more and more time. I think my many relapses occured because I didn't talk about it or what was going through my mind. I didn't give myself very good counsel during those clean times and soon enough I would start using again, I mean why not? right? Nobody knew I was quitting, shoot, nobody even knew I was using to begin with so it was easy to talk myself into doing it just this one time. I hope coming here as much as possible will make me feel more accountable. That's my theory anyway.
Good to hear from you again Dede, Have a fantastic evening and keep doing what your doing. Seems to be working quite well for you. Day 16! That's huge.
Exactly. That was the one of the main things that I did differently. I simply had to make myself accountable.
I had to tell my husband exactly what I was doing to get the pills and exactly how many I was taking. All of the sneaky behaviors that I knew he would pick up on had I started to act that way again. I had to call all of my Dr.'s and tell them I could no longer take the medications, that I had a very, very serious problem with them, and I had to contact the pharmacy and tell them as well. I remember feeling so liberated but so PANICKED when I did this. I could no longer "hide" my life and now everyone knew. Whew. That was HUGE. I had just completely cut myself off from all access. I had never felt so scared in my life.
Hiding this addiction keeps you sick and it had to stop for it to be OVER. I believe this was pivotal to my success in staying clean. Hard step, but a must.
You're right, I forgot to add that part about telling the spouse.
I came clean with every gambit I used to get them and I also explained in great detail how to spot if I'm using. Like my mood being better than usuall, speaking too fast, over the top generousity.....just everything I could think of.
I love my wife, she's a little more than a foot shorter than me and would fit in my pocket, but I'm a little scared of her just the same. I don't want to have to confront that little tasmanian devil anytime soon. lol...
lol..jeff you are funny. were you my 100th post. i dont know how to look that up but i will see if i can.
gosh i didnt realize i talked so much. i always thought i was the shy quiet one.
you all are so wonderful to respond to me. it's like i go to a meeting and then come home and have another meeting with you all. i love it.
it is great to be free 16 days. a couple of weeks ago i would have never thought i would feel so good. now i know i am not at 100% yet but i am getting there.
at the meeting tonight some man was talking about when he finally realized he had a problem. good topic. i have been fighting this for years, thinking i dont have a problem and i could control it. i stopped using many times only to go back to it.
many times i would pray to God to please let me understand what is wrong with me. many times i felt my prayers went unanswered. but this last time they were. i really, really get it this time. not sure why i get but i do. maybe i finally hit bottom and had nowhere to go but up. it really is amazing at the change in myself. i feel like doing things again. i prowled with my brother all weekend. had dinner with my son and brother saturday night. cant remember the last time i did that. i would never go anywhere with anyone because i just wanted to take my pills and be left alone. it was a lonely life on pills.
Just reading through this thread and wanted to say hello and great job on 16 days!! Great for you!! I only scrolled through a bit, but the whole dream thing, happens to me all the time, I guess it's pretty common from what I've heard.
Congrats on the sobriety, and so nice to hear it's agreeing with you so well!! Hope things continue on the same path, if not better!! Take care!
another day of work and another meeting. i was thinking on my way to the meeting tonight that this is my life right now. Meeting, work and go home. i hope i dont bore myself to death with this dull life. of course i do enjoy the meetings and am thankful to be working, i just feel i need more. but i dont know where to begin. i dropped all my good friends and dont know how to reconnect with them. how do i explain why i left them? do i tell them that i am an addict? I really dont think they would understand. and believe it or not some of the people i was drugging with i really liked. and i know i cant talk to them anymore. one of the girls called me the other day, someone i used to work with and told me that we need to go out again. but that would mean a night of drinking and taking pills. so i dont want to go there again. i did not tell her that i quit. but i did tell her that i was getting out of hand. maybe i should have just said that i dont do that anymore. you know sometimes i get overwhelmed with the thought that this will have to be something i have to work on the rest of my life. i just need to focus on one day at a time.
i really am thankful for the meetings that i attend. lucifer popped into my head today about pill taking. after i attend na/aa i always come out feeling better and the thought leaves. not sure what it is but those meetings help me so much. everyone struggling should try them.
it feels good to be clean today. i think it is day 17. i lose count. but i sure counted those first few days.
i also quit drinking and i think about christmas and new years coming up. i always enjoyed drinking on the holidays. my brother makes the best homemade sangria. but i will resist temptation and not drink. and there will definetly not be any pill taking. what a waste of time and so much money. i cant wait to get back on track and move into my own apartment again.
oh well, i am rambling. it just feels good to be clean.
and i am thankful for this place so i can come here and type my feelings. i dont share at na/aa i guess to do me being shy. maybe someday.
hope everyone has had a clean and happy day.
i do believe it is day18. feeling good today. i am off work and happy for that. because it is just miserable cold outside.
i have lost 9 pounds since i quit. that is odd because i feel like i have been eating more since i quit. oh well it didnt hurt none. i needed to lose a few more. hope i dont gain it back.
i just found out that cirque du soleil is coming here where i live. i am going to buy tickets for it. if anyone has not seen it you should. it is awesome. i saw it in las vegas back in june. finally i will be spending my money on good things and not bad things.
i will go to another meeting tonight. they really keep me straight. dont know what i would do without them.
Hey Dede, I don't know...but it sure sounds like you're starting to live again instead of just existing to get through the day. You guys are getting hammered by the snow aren't you?
You're so lucky to have Cirque du Soleil coming to your town. Wife and I love going to live theater it doesn't matter if it's musicals, plays, drama or comedy. I find it much more engaging than going to a movie theater.
Again, you're doing great and I'm so very happy for that. Bye! wait....I mean Hello! LOL! (you got that right?)
hey eye, no we are not getting hammered by snow. we had some. only in the mountains here does it snow alot. we usually just get the tail end of any snow that comes thru. but it is darn cold out. tonight and tomorrow there is supposed to be freezing rain, sleet and snow. we have wierd weather here in tennessee. always unpredictable.
cirque du soleil will not be here until the end of march but tickets go on sale soon. i will buy a couple and take some lucky person with me. probably my ex. who knows.
and yes i get it. never say bye because i take it literally. lol
Hey Dede I just wanted to tell you I think your doing a great Job in your recovery 18 days now and your still going strong with the meetings....and yes they make all the difference
I wish we could convince more people to go..you got a new job and your life is turning its self around keep up the good work your making it out of this thing I just wanted to congratulate you on your efforts......Gnarly
i am very thankful that there is a place called na/aa. i go everyday. not sure how i would be doing if it weren't for them. i am even scared if i think i might miss one.
i wish everyone would go also. when i went to my first meeting this time, i didn't want to go and when i did i practically crawled in there with my tail between my legs. talk about bringing someone into the real world, well that sure did. it's like a reality check. people are nice and dont judge you. heck you dont even have to speak. well i have spoken twice at the womens meetings. but i learn alot just from listening. a woman the other night was telling her story and i swear she was telling mine. i really dont feel so all alone in this fight for sobriety when i go there.
and i do read alot here. i can so relate to the new people just starting out. i just think that i was there and i wish i could make them realize that they will get better. i know i am new to being clean also but like i have said there is something different this time. i just really dont want that life anymore.
I've been following your posts on here for a few days, I'm on Day 4 now. You are such an inspiration. You sound like such a fun, loving and amazing woman! You crack me up...I could so relate to & laugh at the same time to your post about when you said, "my back hurts, my dog stinks...and my cat" too funny! my dog stinks too!
It's nice to hear stories like your story because it makes me feel that I can do this too. My mindset is right this time and it's such a relief.
It's amazing the similarity in the stories that people have which is so nice to be able to not feel alone.
I look forward to reading your posts!
Congrats on your new job and success of being clean! You have a great attitude & I wish you the best!
danni, congratulations on day 4. i bet you are starting to feel better. i remember my day 4 because i actually could tell a little difference in how i felt. i started feeling better everyday after that. except for the energy. i was still a little tired but had more energy as the days went by.
and my dog still stinks because i am too lazy to give him a bath. lol
I know what you mean - when I quit (for the LAST time!) there was definitely something DIFFERENT in my thinking that time. I don't know exactly why that changed, but I'm grateful, so grateful that it did. And you could just FEEL it. You just knew it was going to be different. Funny how things work, isn't it?
So very very happy for you! And dannigirl210 - very happy for you too! Isn't it just the best feeling ever (of course, actually feeling anything again is fantastic too) but still, the best feeling ever when you know this is it? That you're actually going to get through it this time. That is the BEST feeling in the world.