me again

[dede2121]

i joined a couple months ago thinking i would stop this. well i got back into my old habits. now this is what i don't get, how can i be addicted taking one maybe one and a half a day. and sometimes not everyday. sometimes i will go 2 days without. what is the problem?

[dede2121]

not much going on today. you all know the drill. work and meetings. boring i know but it keeps me sober.
yesterday we had an ice storm come thru well as i was going down the steps to get in  my car i made it to the second step from the bottom and then i bit the dust. damn that hurt. i had to go back in side and regroup. then my daughter called me later and she slipped on the steps and busted her butt. she works for an orthopedic doctor so when she got there they xrayed her hand an she pulled ligaments in her thumb. what a dangerous day.
i have been in a "bored" stage the past couple of days. i really want another job to go with the one i got to keep myself and my mind occuppied(sp). and not to mention get some money saved up.

and danni thanks for checking on me. i am doing ok. still clean. it's been along time since i have stayed clean 20 days. it feels so  much better. especially physically. mentally i am not up to par yet. hopefully that will come in the near future. if not i have decided i may go to the doctor and get on some antidepressants. i have been on them before but felt they never worked. i am thinking the reason they did not work properly is because i was taking the hydros and you know what that does to your mind. i think they might work better this time. but i am gonna wait a couple months before i do that.
hope all is well with you.

[Dannigirl210]

How are you doing today, just checking in on ya! Awesome on Day 19 girl! I can't wait to get there!

Take Care!

[dede2121]

another day of work and another meeting. not much to say today except that i have another day under my belt of being pill free. i think today is day 19.

[dede2121]

back fron another good meeting. i do recommend these.
afterwards i went to eat with my ex husband. now we have remained friends since we divorced 3 years ago and we go out all the time. the situation is is that my family thinks he is one of the main reasons i turned to taking pills. he is the one that wanted a divorce, not me. now he have never drank or took pills ever.
i was just so hurt by our divorce and my family is afraid i will never be able to move forward because he wont quite let go of me or i wont let go of him. maybe i should seek some kind of counseling for this. but as of tonight i have no intentions of taking anything. i dont need them anymore. i feel so much better now. i am really not sure if he was the reason i got so caught up in this mess or not. i will have to do some soul searching on that one.

[Dannigirl210]

Thanks Dede21 and back at ya! LOL...same here, too darned lazy to give the dog a  bath...heck, he hates them anyways. I haven't done much today, except for work. I feel icky, but I'm not sure if I'm sick/sick and not wd's cause I felt okay, day2 & day3.  Day4, my mind good, body ick, lazy, lazy. Oh well, it is what it is, right!

ImDONEnomore and I were posting back and forth on the mind thing too, it really seems to be the turning point, getting that set right, so there's no going back. FINALLY!

It's great that you are going to NA meetings. You had mentioned that you haven't been with your other friends in a while, maybe you will meet some new ones at NA? Seems like a good place because there is that commonality.

  

[ImDONENoMore]

I know what you mean - when I quit (for the LAST time!) there was definitely something DIFFERENT in my thinking that time.  I don't know exactly why that changed, but I'm grateful, so grateful that it did.  And you could just FEEL it.  You just knew it was going to be different.  Funny how things work, isn't it?

So very very happy for you!  And dannigirl210 - very happy for you too!  Isn't it just the best feeling ever (of course, actually feeling anything again is fantastic too) but still, the best feeling ever when you know this is it?  That you're actually going to get through it this time.  That is the BEST feeling in the world.

Happy Wednesday!  :-)

[dede2121]

danni, congratulations on day 4. i bet you are starting to feel better. i remember my day 4 because i actually could tell a little difference in how i felt. i started feeling better everyday after that. except for the energy. i was still a little tired but had more energy as the days went by.
and my dog still stinks because i am too lazy to give him a bath. lol

[Dannigirl210]

I've been following your posts on here for a few days, I'm on Day 4 now. You are such an inspiration. You sound like such a fun, loving and amazing woman! You crack me up...I could so relate to & laugh at the same time to your post about when you said, "my back hurts, my dog stinks...and my cat"  too funny! my dog stinks too!

It's nice to hear stories like your story because it makes me feel that I can do this too. My mindset is right this time and it's such a relief.

It's amazing the similarity in the stories that people have which is so nice to be able to not feel alone.

I look forward to reading your posts!

Congrats on your new job and success of being clean! You have a great attitude & I wish you the best!

[dede2121]

thanks gnarly,
i am very thankful that there is a place called na/aa. i go everyday. not sure how i would be doing if it weren't for them. i am even scared if i think i might miss one.
i wish everyone would go also. when i went to my first meeting this time, i didn't want to go and when i did i practically crawled in there with my tail between my legs. talk about bringing someone into the real world, well that sure did. it's like a reality check. people are nice and dont judge you. heck you dont even have to speak. well i have spoken twice at the womens meetings. but i learn alot just from listening. a woman the other night was telling her story and i swear she was telling mine. i really dont feel so all alone in this fight for sobriety when i go there.
and i do read alot here. i can so relate to the new people just starting out. i just think that i was there and i wish i could make them realize that they will get better. i know i am new to being clean also but like i have said there is something different this time. i just really dont want that life anymore.

[gnarly_1]

Hey Dede I just wanted to tell you I think your doing a great Job in your recovery 18 days now and your still going strong with the meetings....and yes they make all the difference
I wish we could convince more people to go..you got a new job and your life is turning its self around keep up the good work your making it out of this thing I just wanted to congratulate you on your efforts......Gnarly

[dede2121]

hey eye, no we are not getting hammered by snow. we had some. only in the mountains here does it snow alot. we usually just get the tail end of any snow that comes thru. but it is darn cold out. tonight and tomorrow there is supposed to be freezing rain, sleet and snow. we have wierd weather here in tennessee. always unpredictable.

cirque du soleil will not be here until the end of march but tickets go on sale soon. i will buy a couple and take some lucky person with me. probably my ex. who knows.

and yes i get it. never say bye because i take it literally. lol

[eyeofhorus2010]

Hey Dede, I don't know...but it sure sounds like you're starting to live again instead of just existing to get through the day. You guys are getting hammered by the snow aren't you?

You're so lucky to have Cirque du Soleil coming to your town. Wife and I love going to live theater it doesn't matter if it's musicals, plays, drama or comedy. I find it much more engaging than going to a movie theater.

Again, you're doing great and I'm so very happy for that. Bye! wait....I mean Hello! LOL!  (you got that right?)

[dede2121]

i do believe it is day18. feeling good today. i am off work and happy for that. because it is just miserable cold outside.

i have lost 9 pounds since i quit. that is odd because i feel like i have been eating more since i quit. oh well it didnt hurt none. i needed to lose a few more. hope i dont gain it back.

i just found out that cirque du soleil is coming here where i live. i am going to buy tickets for it. if anyone has not seen it you should. it is awesome. i saw it in las vegas back in june. finally i will be spending my money on good things and not bad things.

i will go to another meeting tonight. they really keep me straight. dont know what i would do without them.

[dede2121]

another day of work and another meeting. i was thinking on my way to the meeting tonight that this is my life right now. Meeting, work and go home. i hope i dont bore myself to death with this dull life. of course i do enjoy the meetings and am thankful to be working, i just feel i need more. but i dont know where to begin. i dropped all my good friends and dont know how to reconnect with them. how do i explain why i left them? do i tell them that i am an addict? I really dont think they would understand. and believe it or not some of the people i was drugging with i really liked. and i know i cant talk to them anymore. one of the girls called me the other day, someone i used to work with and told me that we need to go out again. but that would mean a night of drinking and taking pills. so i dont want to go there again. i did not tell her that i quit. but i did tell her that i was getting out of hand. maybe i should have just said that i dont do that anymore. you know sometimes i get overwhelmed with the thought that this will have to be something i have to work on the rest of my life. i just need to focus on one day at a time.
i really am thankful for the meetings that i attend. lucifer popped into my head today about pill taking. after i attend na/aa i always come out feeling better and the thought leaves. not sure what it is but those meetings help me so much. everyone struggling should try them.
it feels good to be clean today. i think it is day 17. i lose count. but i sure counted those first few days.
i also quit drinking and i think about christmas and new years coming up. i always enjoyed drinking on the holidays. my brother makes the best homemade sangria. but i will resist temptation and not drink. and there will definetly not be any pill taking. what a waste of time and so much money. i cant wait to get back on track and move into my own apartment again.
oh well, i am rambling. it just feels good to be clean.
and i am thankful for this place so i can come here and type my feelings. i dont share at na/aa i guess to do me being shy. maybe someday.
hope everyone has had a clean and happy day.

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Hi there,

Just reading through this thread and wanted to say hello and great job on 16 days!! Great for you!! I only scrolled through a bit, but the whole dream thing, happens to me all the time, I guess it's pretty common from what I've heard.
Congrats on the sobriety, and so nice to hear it's agreeing with you so well!! Hope things continue on the same path, if not better!! Take care!

[dede2121]

my back hurts. my dog stinks. the cat wont get out of my room and my daughters dog is begging for some of my crackers and canned cheese. lol..i love cheese in a can.
life is good!

[dede2121]

lol..jeff you are funny. were you my 100th post. i dont know how to look that up but i will see if i can.
gosh i didnt realize i talked so much. i always thought i was the shy quiet one.

you all are so wonderful to respond to me. it's like i go to a meeting and then come home and have another meeting with you all. i love it.

it is great to be free 16 days. a couple of weeks ago i would have never thought i would feel so good. now i know i am not at 100% yet but i am getting there.

at the meeting tonight some man was talking about when he finally realized he had a problem. good topic. i have been fighting this for years, thinking i dont have a problem and i could control it. i stopped using many times only to go back to it.
many times i would pray to God to please let me understand what is wrong with me. many times i felt my prayers went unanswered. but this last time they were. i really, really get it this time. not sure why i get but i do. maybe i finally hit bottom and had nowhere to go but up. it really is amazing at the change in myself. i feel like doing things again. i prowled with my brother all weekend. had dinner with my son and brother saturday night. cant remember the last time i did that. i would never go anywhere with anyone because i just wanted to take my pills and be left alone. it was a lonely life on pills.

[jeffclowns]

just trying to be your 100th post dede....have a great night...lol...you rock.....

[ImDONENoMore]

Obviously I don't know your wife but I like her already.  :-)

[eyeofhorus2010]

Dede, how loved are you huh? You're about to hit 100 posts on your thread. I never got more than a dozen I think. Some people are just blessed with a great personality I guess. lol...see ya tomorrow.

[eyeofhorus2010]

You're right, I forgot to add that part about telling the spouse.
I came clean with every gambit I used to get them and I also explained in great detail how to spot if I'm using. Like my mood being better than usuall, speaking too fast, over the top generousity.....just everything I could think of.

I love my wife, she's a little more than a foot shorter than me and would fit in my pocket, but I'm a little scared of her just the same. I don't want to have to confront that little tasmanian devil anytime soon. lol...

[ImDONENoMore]

Exactly.  That was the one of the main things that I did differently.  I simply had to make myself accountable.

I had to tell my husband exactly what I was doing to get the pills and exactly how many I was taking.  All of the sneaky behaviors that I knew he would pick up on had I started to act that way again.  I had to call all of my Dr.'s and tell them I could no longer take the medications, that I had a very, very serious problem with them, and I had to contact the pharmacy and tell them as well.  I remember feeling so liberated but so PANICKED when I did this.  I could no longer "hide" my life and now everyone knew.  Whew.  That was HUGE.  I had just completely cut myself off from all access.  I had never felt so scared in my life.

Hiding this addiction keeps you sick and it had to stop for it to be OVER.  I believe this was pivotal to my success in staying clean.  Hard step, but a must.

[eyeofhorus2010]

Hey Dede, glad to hear you're doing okay and keeping busy. One day at a time is right. I agree with Jeff's post about stopping in here to pass along some of the advice and experience we got to others.

I can see me having the same problem as you with getting by here as much as I did this past week or so. The holidays', x-mas parties starting to ramp up and work will soon start to consume more and more time. I think my many relapses occured because I didn't talk about it or what was going through my mind. I didn't give myself very good counsel during those clean times and soon enough I would start using again, I mean why not? right? Nobody knew I was quitting, shoot, nobody even knew I was using to begin with so it was easy to talk myself into doing it just this one time. I hope coming here as much as possible will make me feel more accountable.  That's my theory anyway.

Good to hear from you again Dede, Have a fantastic evening and keep doing what your doing. Seems to be working quite well for you. Day 16! That's huge.

[jeffclowns]

hey dede congrats on day 16 glad to hear your doing very well and working and going to meetings and keeping your mind occupied ,really i think that's what make's a lot of people relapse is just pure boredom like there's nothing else to do why not use ,that's why i think it's good to keep yourself busy stay away from bad influences and keep that drug headed mind that we all on here have or had occupied you know and take it one day at a time that's what i seem to have noticed and i think just even talking with your friends on med help there just good drug free people and we get newbies all the time and try to help them as the elders have helped us get to where we are in our recovery ..i mean that's how i feel may be right may not be but so far it's working out great,keep up the great progress dede your doing just awesome ,god bless...jeff...