memory

[susanlea]

Ok guys I need your help on this one! Most of you now of my ex's addiction to oxy's and now on uncontrolled amounts of methadone. My question is, can these pain killers affect your memory? He thinks he's been giving me over $3500 a month for the past 2 years. Number 1 he wasn't living with me 2 years ago. Number 2 he doesn't make that much, plus has child support of over $1200 a month. I figured out the average he gave me while living here was around $600 a month, plus when he was off work for 3 months because of his addiction, I paid his bills and child support, plus the house, car insurance and everything else. He says we were only together 2 years, we were together almost 6 years! He swears he's given me presents he never gave me.  I really don't know what to make of all this, he's telling me again, his addiction had nothing to do with our problems, that it was all my fault. Gosh, this is getting weirder all the time, he called me the other night asking me to get somethings for him to wire some intakes at his parents house. He already has all this stuff, he moved it to his parents house 6 months ago. I asked him if he wanted to talk to me, he said he had to think about it. He'll  call, but not talk, nothing specific. Came by the other day, said he wanted to see the dog, and just hung around. Am I the one losing it here!? Or have all the drugs over the past 25 years affected the way he thinks? Thanks guys, I really don't understand where he's coming from.....Love Susan

[Wizard]

Susan, drugs would definantly affect ones thinking proccesses, but remember he COULD have selective memory also.when we addicts are using and really hurting we will say and do anything to feed our habit. It is not uncommon to have period blackouts also. If he's under the influence while you are having these conversations anything could be going through his head. Above all, I don't think you are the one losing it. Keeping you in my prayers,
Power & Magick 2 U,
Peace & Light on us all,
Wizard

[susanlea]

Thank you Wiz. Sometimes I do feel like it's me losing it. It's been just about 3 months since he left. The boys and I are ok it just feels strange after all these years. I found out a couple of weeks ago he was using oxy's along with the methadone. I also heard that he was no closer to weaning off the methadone than he was 3 months ago, of course he denies everything. Funny thing is the nurse at his Dr.s office told me. I don't know why he feels he needs to lie to me. I almost get the feeling he went away to try and get himself together. He left just about everything he owns here, and has made no attempt to get it. He has been calling lately every couple of days are so. He's worried I'm going to run off and get married. I don't know why he's so worried about that. I'm 43 and I'm not even dating anyone, I need time before I would see anyone else. He just seems a little paranoid about things. And his favorite thing to say is "I don't know". I have never seen anyone in such a state of confusion. When we met he was just doing drugs once in awhile recreationally, maybe once amonth. I just can't figure out how all this happened. He was such a great man. I pray he will be alright. I pray he will not die. I pray that he'll get it together. Time will tell.....Love Susan

[Wizard]

Susan, I really feel bad about the situation you have. Being on the outside looking in I probably have a different perspective than you do because I have no emotional attachment. Have you confronted him with your knowledge? You KNOW addicts that are using can be the most convincing liars. I just would hate to see you fall for it again after you said you were starting to miss him less and less. ( I hope I have the right story here) If he was really making the effort to detox and I mean by getting in a program for real then I would feel better about you trying to salvage the relationship, but it appears that he is just hanging on as long as you enable him too. I hope you don't think me cold, I'm just trying to be realistic. Doesn't mean I'm right, just my opinion Susan. I pray for you and your family daily and will continue to pray that you can see through the fog if there is any. You must do what's right for you and the children. Above all things THE CHILDREN! That IS the most important thing. Again MY opinion. May Gods Peace be with you Susan. You are in my heart and prayers.
You ARE alright for sure! :-)
Power & Magick 2 U,
luv,
Wiz

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

The key part of your post is that he blames you for everything. That's manipulation to the N'th degree. We addicts are not good con men, we are marvelous! If and when you get fed up with all of his "crazy making", talk to someone in ALANON.

I've met some of these people and they scare the Hell out of me! They have a way of cutting an addict to the bone and exposing them to reality(and improving the memory)bigtime. J.B.

[susanlea]

You both are right! I should know better after all the lies, the verbal and emotional abuse, the stealing of my pain meds. I don't believe he's hanging on to me because he cares, I believe it's because he literaly has no one else. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to forgive. JB, thank you. I am in Al-anon, I have learned a great deal, but can always learn more. I just want to believe him. After detox last year I really believed it would be ok. He was only in 5 days, 6 weeks of meetings. After relapsing, he blew his sponser and the meetings off. He refuses any help. He wants no sponser, no meetings no rehab. He says he can do this on his own. Too bad his Dr. keeps giving him methadone every week. I have heard that addicts try several times to get off of the stuff. Then relapse. Until they really want to quit. But his memory really bothers me. He gets everything mixed up, time, place and content. Sometimes it's alittle freaky because he seems to really believe what he says. Thanks guys, Love Susan

[cindi]

AWW Susan,  I feel so bad for you and your situation...however I do agree with both JB and Wizard....about your ex being under the influence and not thinking straight, the selective hearing etc....and of course the famous I'll turn everything around and put the blame of someone else..and they both are right about us addicts being marvelous cons.....and manipulators...when I was sponsoring people and I knew they were not being honest I used to tell them, "you can't con a con....my grandpa used to go to AA and take my gramma  and he would tell everyone there he did not have the problem,,,my gramma did      I liked what Wiz said about enabling....please hon,,,,you are torturing yourself...talk to someone  go to alanon.....you are in my prayers and thoughts     love to all   cindi

[Milo]

Lea, you've already gotten better advice than I could ever give. Stay strong, and listen to what your heart tells you. Not the romantic heart, but the heart of wisdom and self-knowledge.  I don't want to try to tell you what the right answer is -- but I have confidence that 1) you already know the answer, and 2) you'll be wise & firm in making the choices you face. May you find peace in your life soon -- Milo

[Thomas]

Hi lea, my good friend,
You know, we've talked about all this in one form or another before. If you were on oxy and an "uncontrolled quantity of methadone," what kind of shape would you expect your mind to be in? I don't know how else to say it. This man is on self-destruct. The only question is, is he going to have company while he progresively deteriorates and destroys everything in his life? Don't fall for this guys lame excuses to "see the dog." Give me a break. If life means anything at all to you, save yourself, please. Lock him out of your life FOREVER. In the final outcome, he doesn't really care if he continues to know you or not, and I think you know that.

Love,


Thomas

[Kerrie]

Hi Lea,
   I know I can't add anyhting more than what's been said. But this sounds so much like my daughter. She manipulates me with promises all the time. But I'm getting strongerand wiser thanks to my friends here. She can be an angel when she wants something.She tells me everything I want to hear. But the bottom line is ,she's sick and she's lying. I want her to go to AA or some kind of help program. But she hasn't made a move yet since she saw her probation officer and got out of that problem.
   I can't shut her out of my life Lea,but I'm learning to say no. Now I tell her" don't tell me, show me".
   Forgiving him is right Lea. Like Jesus said " Seven times seventy". But that doesn't mean take him back and let him hurt you and use you. He's sick. But he needs to do something about it and untill he does, the lies will keep coming. I know what you mean about him believing his own stories. My daughter does that. Then she can't remember the things she says and does. I'm in belief that is conveniant amnesia a lot of the time.
   Stay strong and keep him out of your life. You've come a long way. You can do it.
     Your in my prayers,
        Kerrie

[susanlea]

I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else. I know I hold on to the idea that things could work out, he'll get help; he'll get straight. I know unless he works a program, he never will. I really appreciate each and everyone of you, for your support and honesty. My kids and I have been doing well, life has taken on new meaning. I can sit in the back yard, watch the kids, the dogs, and nature and actually notice everything around me, how great it is. For 2 years my life was so wrapped up with his addiction and his actions, I don't think I ever really saw what was happening at the time. I don't have any problems sleeping, eating, working. In fact my production at work has really increased. I'm in telecommunications sales for a major cable co. and WOW! I'm making all kinds of money since he left. My focus has been on my job, not so much him. My children are much happier. People tell me I look much happier and healthier. I didn't realize how my health was suffering while I was obsessing about his life. I will be ok, I think I'm strong enough to do this. I have told him in the past, no program, no rehab, no sponser, no relationship. I don't want to mislead you, he has never said a word to me about getting back together, he just calls, and comes by infrequently. I know I need to get him to come get all his things, so I can finally have closure. It feels like maybe he just went away for awhile, to get his act together as he says, then come back, after making me feel like it was all my fault. I think he wants me to ask him to come back. No way! I just want him to get off this kick, about worrying I'm going to marry someone and ruin my life. First you have to meet someone you like, before that could happen. I hope I don't sound conceited when I say this but I'm nowhere near ugly as he says. I'm 43 but book 33. I'm 5'9 125lbs, toned, long blond hair, I've beem told I look a little like a young Morgan Fairchilde. But he views me as being old and ugley, unapealing, and I believed in for awhile. I has no self esteem left. I'm financially good. I have a nice home on an acre. I have a nice car, I'm doing very well for a single mom. He lives with his mom and dad, no real money. I gave him a fairly new vehicle. He looks like he's 5o, out of shape, long, long hair which he's losing and turning gray. He's now alittle over weight. He has very bad skin. He is a little scary looking at first. He's part Asian, part black. He looks like a heavy metal musican. We look like night and day. But he was a great man, he used to be kind to me and my kids. I really thought we would have a life together. I really loved him. But addiction has it's way of ruining everybodies lives. Thanks again for listening to my obsessions, and my Only If's. I don't mean to sound self-pitying or a victim. I realize I did this to myself. He had no power over me, except what I gave him. You guys will keep me right........Thanks for being my friends....Susan

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

I'm sorry about my Alanon advice. I didn't know you have already been seeking their help. Stay on course the best you can during these trying times. I just want to let you know that my wife never gave up on me, though we went our separate ways several times. I was a class act ******* for the better part of our marriage but have changed my ways. Deep down, I always knew that I was the "bad guy"...and it showed! Today I am trying to make amends by being good, which was my promise to her. I think that she has forgiven me for my past sins...but her memory is uncanny! Whatever happens is God's will, not your's if you believe in the 12 step programs. Just do what's best for you first and the rest will fall into line eventually, by God!

I wish that I could be more helpful but my liver is giving me fits today and I can't stay focused.  J.B.

[cindi]

Hi Hon,,,,I am so very sorry for all you are going through...love... a very difficult and painful thing sometimes...and very sad as well..Like Jb said above  what happens is God's will....it is very hard sometimes to turn our lives and will over to the care of God..as you know him....I have no words of wisdom,  no great words of comfort but, I do however have words for you from one woman to another,  one that is so deeply in love with a man that it scares me at times....I can honestly though tell you what I would do to protect my self and my children,,,my kids especially.....just because you deeply love this man   you are under no obligation to subject yourself to his addiction,,,the verbal abuse, the manipulation and lies etc....one day hon, you will realize this,,,and you will, through the grace of God be able to severe all ties with this guy,,,,this takes time,,,,when a relationship ends, we must mourn it like a death....grieve for it and then get on with life....cut him off,   no contact, none at all...but this will all happen in time,,when you no longer can take the pain, etc...I think I have talked to you before about the grieving process and it is applicable to raltionships as wel...My thoughts and prayers are with you     love to all      cindi

[Thomas]

don't wait for him to come get his things. Box'em up and have them shipped to his parent's house. Get rid of this flea for good!


all the best,

Thomas

[Kerrie]

Hi Lea. Nice to hear you sounding more positive. Hey you sound beautiful. The fact that he aint to purty just shows it's the beauty on the inside you see. Keep looking. The right man is out there. But like J.B. and Cindi said ,God is important and my life  was going nowhere without Him. Make Him Mr. Perfect because  He is the only perfection there is. But you know that already. But He can put someone in your life that will be good to and for you and your children. But I believe the 12 step program J.B. mentioned will make you strong in many ways. First, give yourself a chance to heal from this relationship. Mr Right is out there and from your description of yourself I don't think you have to worry about it. But it's your inner beauty that I can tell you have that's the best. Hang in there. Your in my prayers.
    God Bless,
        Kerrie  (PS) I would describe myself but I know too much laughter can cause pain !!!!

[Milo]

"Too much laughter can cause pain" ...Kerrie, you are a hoot! Thanks for a much-needed laugh this A.M. (And I'm sure what you say about yourself isn't really true!)
lea -- Above all, don't let anybody's lies or judgments distort your sense of who you really are, physically, emotionally, or otherwise. As they say, "consider the source." No one who would constantly tell someone else how ugly/fat/undesirable/etc. they are is worth listening to anyway! Stay strong. Blessings -- Milo

[Kerrie]

Hi Milo,
    I thought since I had a good laugh the other night I would share with you all.
    My husband had a virus this week and was hospitalized for it,thinking it might be his appendix. That's not the funny part.
He got up during the night to get some phenegran for his nausea. Later I got sick and needed some phenegran and he went to get it for me. He couldn't find it. I asked him did he put it back in the same place. He just looked at me strange. I asked him what was wrong. He said he took my lasix by mistake. They looked like them he said. He took 80 mg. of lasix. I laughed untill I was in pain. He was up all night peeing. Everytime he got up to pee I laughed my head off. I'm glad he didn't take something that would hurt him. But that taught him a lesson. He will never take another pill without reading the label. But it sure was funny this time. But he's fine now. Although he didn't see the humor I did.
    Talk to you later.
          God Bless,
            Kerrie

[Milo]

"He didn't see the humor but I did." If laughter is the best medicine, I should be in good shape right now! Thanks for a good start to this Saturday morninng! -- Milo

[cindi]

That's too funny....now here's one for you   my husband did the same thing but....he thought he was taking ultram and really it was my mom's ambien...he took like a total of 6 through out a 8 hour period and couldn't figure out why he was still in pain and why the "ultram" was making him tired when it usually didn't..I really did think he was just saying he was tired cuz he didn't want to do dishes....LOL        what a hoot they are,,,,Love ya  kiddo    cin.

[Thomas]

lea,

you're scaring me now ... you're sounding like the typical lonely victim woman trying to convince herself to get together again with this absolute *******. What words can I use? PARASITE? LOSER? Please do what I sugggested ... pack up his stuff and have it shipped to his parent's house. Then he doesn't have any reason to come over, does he?

Or, maybe you haven't had enough punishment yet. Maybe you need to have what's left of your life totaly destroyed by this non-entity.

Lea, please see a psychologist now. You're trying to talk yourself into this same horror show you just got out of. For the love of God -- WAKE UP!
PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO SAY, BECAUSE i'M FRESH OUT OF IDEAS.

Don't you want a good life? A good man who loves you?

Please tell me what to say to wake you up. We shouldn't even be hearing about him anymore ....

Love,

Your Distressed Friend,

Thomas

[cindi]

Kerrie   first of all I gave you a face as well,   ok ready?  you are a redhead..not too bright though and green eyes...fair skinned and freckels like a true redhead..LOL   you are absolutely beautiful.....actually, I really don't give a hoot what anyone here looks like but it is easier for me to type when I have a face in my head....so, i said it once and I'll say it again  I can be a real dork sometimes..and lea....sometimes, no all the time I wish i could say things more like Thomas...he is soooooooo  right...hon, you are ruining your life and i know in my heart you are well aware of this....you can do so much better than this....you can live without him....you and I both know it....he is just like a worn out pair of slippers for you..time for you to get your life together and in time get a new pair....I have been with men that are no good for me..they have dragged me down and it took a 30 day stay in treatment to see that I really did not love him and a good man (my husband) to teach me what love is...I had no clue what real love was,,,I had to learn when I met doug....this is no lie, I truly felt love was insecurity, possessiveness, distrust, lies, manipulation and of course sex...i found out quite the opposite when I met my Doug...the insecurity was gone, i trust him and he trusts me,  and the only lie he has ever told me was the time he hid a new stereo system for his car from me....and he is the first man I have really ever "MADE LOVE" with...I know yo will get there   take time, ship his **** out and live your life,,,take control again   you can do it...this is your obsession as his are drugs....your addiction and you can get your life back,,,,,,good luck sweety      love to you and all   cin

[susanlea]

You guys are so great!  I know you all are right, I sound like the lonely, helpless victim.  I don't mean to, honest.  I took the advice, I've spent the better part of the day packing things up, but I haven't even put a dent in it.  There is so much of his things here, clothes, furniture, boxes, and boxes of stuff. I've moved some to the garage, and alot into another room.  It would take a large U-Haul to move this.  I will get it all done, and tell him to come get it out at one time.  I realized he still has a key to the house, so tomorrow I'm changing the locks. It's been 3 months today, it's time to move on.  He made his decission to leave without getting help. Now he can stay gone.  I will not wait for him anymore.  I guess I was fooling myself in believing if he was gone long enough he would realize what he's done and get help.  Not going to happen anytime soon.  I talked with my sponser today, we went over the point of hitting rock bottom.  He will never hit his untill I'm nolonger there for his convience, and his parents get wise and kick him out.  You guys have been so kind to me, I don't want to run all this garbage on you.  Thanks for everything.....Love Susan

[Wizard]

Susan, YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!! :-) That says it all! My prayers for you have been answered! SEE THE LIGHT
Power & Magick 2 U ALWAYS,
luv,
Wizard

[jennyfla]

You go girl!!!
I've just returned from vacation and reading through this thread makes me realize how wonderful everyone is here, and how strong you really are (really!!!!)
I like your thinking, and i think you're really getting on the right track.  You have the right idea, but it's hard because your heart is going in a different direction.
I'm caught in the web still, and love my husband very much, but it's killing me staying here enabling him and watching him slowly die.  He's taking me down with him too.
You keep your head straight and think of 'YOU' and your children.  Keep enjoying your time (in freedom) and stay focused.
As far as your ex's confusion, i too have experienced that with my husband.  The methadone, in higher doses, plus the oxy's can confuse the heck out of a person.  They are both very powerful drugs, and by themselves, and even worse, together, can cause a lot of confusion.  With my husband, the combination of alcohol also is a complete and total mess.  He forgets everything, and it's like living with a person with altimzers (spelling?)  But, he is also a king manipulator, but i fear even that skill is faultering through all this.  I don't my husband even has the will to manipulate any longer (that's a scarey thought), he like finished, like a whipped puppy.
I believe your boyfriend still has quite a bit of pep left in him, so i agree with everyone, and BEWARE!
Like i said, you sound like you're on the right track, and my prayers are with you!
Lv Jenny

[susanlea]

I swear I don't know what that man has in him.  I nolonger know him, he's a stranger to me. I think that's what I've been holding on to all this time. The way he used to be, the man he used to be. But used to be's don't count anymore, they just lay on the floor till we sweep them away.  He really got me confused with his obsession, he's really concerned that I'm going to marry just anybody, like tomorrow! Where he got that one, I don't know?  I consider myself fairly level headed about marriage, I didn't marry him did I? Well, of course he never wanted to. Besides how was Florida? I'm going down next month to see my sister. Tell me.....did you do ok?   Love Susan

[cindi]

We are WOMEN  hear us ROAR, growl, hiss and scratch  LOL  you'll be fine without this parasite?   (HI THOMAS)  one day at at time...love cindi

[susanlea]

Happy Father's Day! I wish you all a great day with your families..........You men here are terrific, maybe I'll be lucky one day and find someone as caring and compassionate as you all. And to you Cindi, I'm going to spend my day picking that nasty little parasite off.......Love you guys!  Susan

[cindi]

you go girl...you can do this....it has been awhile....and hon, i do understand how you feel  it is so hard to just walk away but for you and the kids you have to do this...i have 3 e mail accts..you can get me at ***@****, ***@**** or my aol ***@****  a little obsessive LOl     love you   cin

[susanlea]

I'm trying to send you an e-mail, but I did something wrong. I'll try again.....Susan

[Kerrie]

Hello Everyone,
  You all do make me laugh. It truly is good medicine. But Cindi,you described my mother ! She had red hair and freckles. But the not to bright was right on the head. Just kidding. I know you meant my hair was bright red. (Didn't you ?) I know you did. But her hair wasn't bright red. Also my baby girl that died was red headed. I thought that was really neat. Beautiful? Well, let's just go along with that one for the sake of make believe!!!!  Actually, I'm 5'3", short light brown hair with gray streaks. I MEAN BLOND STREAKS . I have dark brown eyes with red steaks running through them. I have long nails. I only wear them on special occasions though.My weight ? Well , lets just say if my weight was my IQ , I'd be a genious !!! I have a slight overbite. As my brother use to say,I could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence. Since my urostomy surgery, I can now write my name in the snow  better than any man. That would be first,middle and last name. You were right about me being fair complected though. Of course,I call it unfair complected. But I have a good looking husband. Yep, he looks real good at anyone that's prettier than my pomeranian.
   Alright. I was just funning with ya. But I like to make people laugh. My husband says Im just naturally funny. Of course he actually says ,funny looking, but I know he means it in a good way,right? Seriously, I have a wonderful husband. He's been with me through the storms.Even though he pushes me outside while he's in the house,he's still there for me.
   Just kidding folks. God blessed me with a wonderful husband and he's my best friend. I just wanted to be a little silly with you because you all have helped me so much by listening to my complaints and woes. Thank you.
     God Bless You All,
           Kerrie  

[susanlea]

I really needed that! I've had the worst day. But God You Made me laugh.....thanks girl....love Susan

[susanlea]

Thank you Thomas.....Love Susan Thomas

[cindi]

Corn on the cob through a picket fence?   you are hysterical   LOL  it is good we can poke fun at ourselves...and yes I meant not "bright red HAIR"  LOL  and really and truly I'll bet my life you are a beautiful woman....and speaking of peeing in the snow  my son started doing that this past winter.....he loved every minute of it  LOL  thanks for the laugh......love ya    cin

[jennyfla]

Hi Susan,
Keep the attitude.
Good luck to you sweetie, and don't let him get the best of you.
I'm back home now, Florida, so we'll see how things go.
I did pretty darn good last week at my parents' house, but back here is where the trouble is, so we shall see.
Lv Jenny

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

I love you all! Keep going strong, you'll be just fine.

I heard a saying once that went something like this: "A man does what he must but a woman does what she can't!"  Think about it for a moment!  J.B.

[cindi]

Wow,   that is something to think about....thank you   and I think I speak for the rest...we love you right back...and please give my love to Marty as well.....love to all  cin

[jennyfla]

Thank you, it's nice to know that we women are understood, it's so hard sometimes!
My mom says I have "character", and she really admires me for that.  She thinks i am amazing because of what i am able to deal with in life, she is a very smart women, and knows a great deal of what's going on whether i tell her or not.  
Only thing is, she doesn't know i get weak and use!  :(
Although, she can relate because she is a binge drinker.  When things go bad, she binge drinks, and always has since i can remember.  She was abused as a child until age 14, when her mother died in childbirth (7th child).  My mom had to raise her 3 younger siblings by herself, her stepdad wasn't much help.
My mom has a wonderful husband (my dad, who is the best man standing on this earth), and four great children, and although her childhood was rough, she's had a great second part of her life, and deserved every second of it.
I had a nice childhood, but have really struggled in my adult life because of choices i've.  My mom wonders why all her children are such 'givers', and get into relationships with such 'takers', but i haven't the heart to tell her that it was learned in our childhood by my dad's co-dependent behavior (learned from his mom), in dealing with her drinking.  It's a secret i will keep to myself forever (except talking with my sis, whom i LOVE, of course).  I would never hurt her like that by bringing it to her attention.
But i feel my 'character' is running out, and i don't know how much longer i can keep up this pace.
My tank is running low!
Thanks again for your support and encouragement!
Lv Jenny

[Angelica]

.......This is a little bit off the point, but did you all know that burning candles can cause brain damage. LOL  My husband called me in to watch a program, and they discovered that candle wicks often contain lead.  I had been having some problems w/ memory......really bad.  Like forgetting something someone had just told me....or loosing  my thoughts right in the middle of a conversation.  Really embarrasing....well, needless to say I was burning candles in every room......What's the point, oh well, I don't know, just thought I'd share this bit of info w/ my family. lol  Ditch those candles!!!! lmao

[jennyfla]

You're cracking me up!!!!!!  Thank you for the laugh, i definately needed that tonight!!!!!
BTW, um, I LOVE candles, oh well!!!
My husband won't let me burn them ever since he accidentally set the house on fire back over two-years ago, they upset him for some strange reason ?????  
Take care sweetie!
Lv Jenny

[Kerrie]

Hi. Just thought I'd check in right quick and see how everyone is. I love the saying J.B. I hope I can remember it when it's fitting to use. But like Angelica said, memory aint what it use to be. My daughter-in-law burns candles all over our house. I saw a special segment on them too. But since they've only been living here for about 3 weeks, I recon I can't blame my memory lapse for the last few years on them. But it's worth a try !
   I went to see the stomach specialist today. But I won't be seeing this man again. He said them mass in my stomach could be a tumor. Could be benign,mlignant,fatty tumor,or just something pressing on my stomach. but he said he'd do a scope sometime in July. No hurry.It's no emergency. Do you think he would say that if it was in his stomach? So I told my doctor I would go to a vet before I saw him again. So I go for another test Thursday and see the vet on Friday. Just kidding. The vet was booked solid untill August. Can't depend on anyone these days ! I see an interness on  Friday.
   Anyway, Keep up the good work friends. Glad I have you all to talk to. Thanks. Hang in there ladies. Didn't that saying J.B. wrote hit it on the head? I liked that. God bless you all.
      Kerrie

[Thomas]

Dear one, so good to hear from you! You know, I'm not sure what you're taking these days, but I've read that the benzos, be they Xanax or Ativan or Valium, etc. can cause temporary amnesia -- it clears up when you "clean up" much like pot's effect on short term memory. I also was on Prozac for a few months afer my back surgery in 1993, and it made me an absolute space case. I took myself off the Prozac and the improvement in my memory and overall thought processes was dramatic and immediate. I'll never take another SSRI again! I know they help a lot of people, but not this puppy! The L-Tyrosine/B6 regimen seems to be doing what prozac couldn't. To each his own, one assumes. Stay close and stay safe, Angelica, you matter to me and are not replaceable. You are not just another anonomous poster to me. I feel like we've been through a lot together, you and I, and good friends like you don't grow on any trees I know of ... Take care of that heart of gold you share so easily with all of us, my angel.

Thomas

[Thomas]

Nothing in particular to say ... just want you to know I'm here should you need someone to talk to. You have people who care about you,lea, and want to see you get and stay free from you know who. Stay strong. You are a good woman and deserve the freedom to find your own true destiny, not waste your life and resources cleaning up someone else's self-inflicted mess. Stay free, lea. You are important to me and it would break my heart to see you taken advantage of anymore than you already have been. Be yourself -- be beautiful and caring but for the right people and for the right reasons. You're so close to really getting free, don't fall back into those familiar patterns, even if they feel "right" in an odd way. Remember, I will always keep an eye out for your posts and a place in my heart for you, as I have done all along. Live, lea, just live and experience life without that human anvil chained around your neck. He will sink or swim by his own weight. Let it be so. Don't try to play god. Show us all how beautful you can be on your own. Read Ayn Rand's essay "The Virtue of Selfishness" (she wrote the novels "The Fountainhead" and "Atlas Shrugged") -- a wonderfully original mind and a fascinating woman. Take care, dear one,

Thomas

[susanlea]

Thank you Thomas for your caring, concern and friendship.  I guess I'm doing ok. A little summer cold's got me down. I've really been doing some soul searching the last couple of days. Sunday my 11 year old son and I were going to the grocery store. He started crying in the car, I asked what's wrong. He said it was father's day and he missed my ex.  My son and my ex were not getting along the last year and my son was glad when he left. He see's his real father. But expressed the fact he missed my ex because he want's a full time father. I realize I can't make another mistake. I need to get my life straight so I can give my kids permanetcy. If I went back with him, it would just be the same thing. Not good for my kids, they deserve someone who will be there for them, always. I see my kids just miss the familier, maybe that's what I've been missing, the routine. I saw my therapist on Monday, he feels my ex is slowly making his way back in. He feels he wants to keep one foot in the door, otherwise he would get all his stuff and disconnect. Not call or come by every couple of weeks.  I don't see it, but my friends are saying the same thing too. That my ex will never apologize, but is trying to get me to ask him back. I've always made it easy for him. I've always forgave him.  I can't this time. It's not in me to be mean, and I won't, but I will not call him. My therapist said that the methadone is just as bad as the oxy's. That without a program, or rehad, he will not be able to wean himself off,it he gets refills of 30 every couple of weeks. That if he runs out early, he will have some withdrawals until his refill.  That methadone will control him, and he will be just the same, just able to hold off getting sick, but be able to work. He told me methadone makes some addicts tired and that his natural endorphines will not come back till he's totally clean. My ex doesnt' seem to want any relationships. Just to go home and sleep. I hope he finds someone to care for, before he dies. He seems so wrapped up in himself these days. I'm doing my best not to obsess and go on with my life.  It's ok as long as I don't see or hear from him. I just hope I met someone someday who will be loving and kind to me and my children. I think about the verball and mental abuse I put up with for so long. In the name of love. I feel even if he got clean, his personality will remain the same at this point. He is like a stone statue, no emotion or feelings. No wonder he's never had any long term relationships. I look back over the years, and now I believe he had addictions all along, I just never knew it. I know that the addiction to oxy's wasn't the first. He's been doing some drug, recreationally all along for the past 20 years. I think of how he looks and realize he's stuck in his teen years, the long hair and heavy metal look of the 80's. He's 38 and I've never met another man who looks like him at that age. Something must have happened to him at that stage, he does not want to face it and grow up. He's not close to his kids, and one will be 18 soon. I believe he will die a very lonely old man, at a very early age. Thanks for you  support Thomas......Love  Susan

[Angelica]

....Right back at cha!  Now ya got me all teary eyed. LOL  I've never heard such sweet things said on my behalf.  A true friend you are, indeed!
As they say: "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."...and what a great mind you have.  I am so glad that you'll stay away from the SSRI's.  If anything, you've acquired much experience from these drugs, and that will prove to be invaluable to you, and everyone here.  
I do feel as though we've been through a great deal together, and I can definately say that your in a better place now.  I am sure you'll look back soon, and say; look at the progress i've made...and where I once was in my life.  I can recall your nightly memoirs, filled w/ frustration and much determination.  I truly see good things for you in the days and months ahead.  Take care, my friend....and keep in touch.
Love,
Angelica (:

[Angelica]

....Good to hear from you.  Don't these doctors have a way of making you feel like they are doing you a favor, and you've just interrupted their day??  
Anyway.....Don't take any chances.  This is your life,here.  The only defense we have against cancer, is early detection.  A couple of years ago, a good friend of mine (only 31yrs old), had a cough and pain in her back.  The doctors kept treating her(this went on for 4 months) for Bronchitis, and a pulled muscle.  Well, She had lung cancer, and by the time they discovered it, doctors gave her 6 months to live, and she died FIVE months later.  I don't mean to sound all doom and gloom, here, but don't take any chances.  Take care of yourself.  BE AGGRESSIVE, WOMAN! LOL TELL THEM HOW IT'S GONNA BE! LOL
LOVE,
ANGELICA

[Angelica]

..LOL...I was telling my mom about the "Great Candle Scare," and she said MAN!."they're gonna kill us, all"  lmao fotf   That's about the size of it.  Makes ya wonder who's, they????  Everything is made in China, ya know?.......Lmao

[jennyfla]

Well, i still love candles.  I guess anything is ok within reason.  As long as things aren't 'overdone', it's ok in small doses.  Can say that for many things in life.
Enjoy!
Lv Jenny

[Thomas]

I don't know where he is, but doc dan the methadone man would probably tell you the methadone helps re-establish those endorphines, I could be wrong, but I seem to remember him saying that -- maybe he's lurking and will chime in. Stay FREE.

Thomas

[Bijou]

You sound like a really good catch and should be with somebody like a doctor,banker,CEO type. I was in a similar 6 year hell with a scumbag in the name of love,my first love no less. This guy was a total low-life who didn't care about anything! I, like you am a damn,attractive hot tamale,but he made me feel like a lump of dirt for 6 years and it took longer to heal the mental scars he put there.I felt like I would never love again or that anyone would ever love me,but now I'v got an attorney/boyfriend who is sweet and wonderful and calls me beautiful and that's what you deserve too!!! Don't forget that you are number one in your life and it's not your job to keep or save toxic friends/lovers. they have to find their own way.....

[susanlea]

Yes, I know too well the mental scars I need to heal. It's amazing how we let someone else make us feel so inferior. He really hurt me. I loved this man, and deep down inside I still do. But he really hurt my children. They haven't heard from him, he lives 10 minutes away and has not once called them since he left mid March. My sons are 10 and 11 years old, my ex lived with us since they were 4 and 5. This has really affected them, he was like a father to them, and he dumped them. I know they are really hurting, they feel deserted. I don't know if it's the methadone, oxy's and whatever else he may be taking that has made him not care about anyone. But he hurt my kids. I will not forgive him for that. He left me with a $1500 mortgage and the rest to support by myself. He lives with his mom and dad now, I guess he's still there. He has 4 kids of his own, he has not been really close to them in the past. He acts sometimes like he's still 16 years old. His exwife and the mother of his last child all really hate him. I gave this man respectability, he was living in a rundown filthy house with 2 other rock musicians when I met him, he had no money, no car, nothing. He seemed to want a normal life. But got caught up in the pills. I'm sure now there has probably always been some drug he was using, I just didn't see it. He won a lawsuit last year, $150,000. Made lots of promises, but I never saw them. I don't know how much he still has left. I gave him my 93 minivan, idiot me! My friends tell me he will never find anyone descent, and my friends believe he's not interested in anything but finding pills. He swore he was down to 5mg's of methadone aday....I know otherwise now. Oxy's for the high, methadone when he runs out. I will move on, I can't afford another mistake for my kids. He left all his things here, furniture, some clothes, stereo, ect. I guess he doesn't want it. Or as my therapist says, he want's to keep one foot in the door. He's not the type to apologize. I always made it so easy for him, I would call him, forgive him. Not this time.  He really hurt my kids. He was so verbally abusive, called me every, and I mean every name in the book. When he left that night in March, he said I was old and ugly, no man would want me. I don't understand why he would say these things to me. Why he wants to hurt me. Even 3 weeks ago, when he came by to see his dog, he was giving me a hard time. He's worried I will run off and marry someone. I really don't know where that came from. He gave me $400, yelled at me, that he was pissed because he was giving me money, and I was out every weekend blowing it. I don't know how he would know what I'm doing? It's a strange world we live in, but the pain goes deep this time....I don't even know this man. I'm happy for you, maybe I will be as lucky someday....Love Susan Lea

[Bijou]

What your going through has been on my mind all day,you remind me of me.My friends said similar things about the scumbag that I was brainwashed by,and I do believe that's what happens. the man realizes he can't be a man/can't grow up,and is angry about it,so he tries to keep you around,like a life raft,because you'v always been there for him in the past.he can do this by leaving his things with you or borrowing things/money from you,or belittling you and dragging you down,so that you won't believe that you can get anyone else,and he wins out because you stay,but while he is doing NOTHING to better himself,your doing all the work and getting no appreciation for it,because it would crush his ego and manhood to admitt that your the strong one,the one who has their **** together and the one that could do a hell of alot better.It's all manipulation. drug-addicts are the best manipulators in the world!This guy sounds like a terrible father,son,boyfriend,friend,just a terrible person all together,sure it could be all the drugs fault,but he has made a decision that the drugs are staying,so the old person you fell in love with is gone and will never return unless he went into rehab and decided to change his life completely! When I was with my ex ,who I like to refer to now as ratboy,everyone around me said stuff and one friend said,"hey,can this many people be wrong?" It was funny at the time,but now I realize it was so true. You are in my prayers,honey.I know you will be rewarded in like for being such a caring person.Good Luck!

[susanlea]

You are now another one who has told me these things. Like your friend said "can this many people be wrong?".  I tell you, everyone here has been so supportive for me. They have been there at all hours of the night, when I just needed someone to talk to and sometimes cry. All, I mean everyone here have given me understanding and insight into what it's like for an addict. I go to Al-anon, I have a wonderful sponser and many good friends there, both recovering addicts and those that love them. Unless you have been touched by this disease, no one can possibly understand. It seems just yesterday, I would hear something about an addict, a death, an arrest, what had happened to the families. I would casually say, "what a shame, how can people do that? Why don't they just stop. Why don't their loved one's leave them? Are they stupid?". The usual, standard thinkings. Now that it has touched my life, my kids, I will never been the same. I will never think the same. Nolonger are addicts, the bum in the gutter, the hoodlum on the corner. Now I know they are my nextdoor neighbor, my son's teacher, and some of my very best friends. Like God, addiction does not play favorites. One thing addiction has taught me is...that everyone IS human, and just because they have this disease, I will love them anyway. It was never the fact that my ex was abusing, I could have understood that. It was the lying, stealing, abusive behavior that made it unbearable. The scariest thing...he may be that way...even if he were clean. But one other thing hurts me. His children became close to him the first few years we were together. His exwife told me that I had made him a father for once. They would spend almost every weekend with us. His kids, and my kids became an extended family. I really, really loved his kids. But when his addiction got out of control he would stay away from us, in another room, sometimes for months. He wouldn't return his kids calls. He didn't see them, that I knew of for over a year. They live about 10 miles away. So of course they thought I was the one keeping their father away from them. Although 2 of his kids saw and heard his abuse, his oldest daughter said at the time "he treats you like he treated mom". I now know that his behavior has been like this way before me. He was married 18 years ago. But he's also been using something since the age of 12. He has problems I believe that stem from a young age. I will not let my kids become like him. I know his father was an alcoholic, and abused the kids and his mom. So maybe that's why he does. History repeating itself. Funny thing he hates his dad! Thank you for letting me ramble. I know I will be ok. I know he never really loved me, he can't, he doesn't love himself. I know there is no hope. I know I am better off. My children love me more like this. Everyone says I look better and healthier, and much happier. People who don't even know about anything, not even that we are nolonger together. So once again"can this many people be wrong?". Thank you again Bijou, may God be with you and bless you. It's nice to have you here......Love Susan Lea

[jennyfla]

What inspirational ladies you both are, i really admire your strength, and your ability to have the guts to get away from a bad situation, and move on to a better life.
Susan, your words about people not understanding the reality of living with an addict are so true.  The 'why don't they just stop', etc. etc.  I just had a conversation with a dear old old friend of mine about just this topic tonight.  We grew up together in NJ, and she has suffered greatly with two men in her life who were addicts.  One commited suicide back in 1990, and the other, she is going through the process of divorce right now.  We talked about how hard it is to understand what it is like unless you experience it firsthand.
My mom is one of the those people who has the idea that it is easier than it is.  Why doesn't my husband 'just stop'.  And me too, if she knew the sad truth about her own daughter. :(
My friend just told me tonight, that she will be coming to visit, with her 3 daughter this coming July 4th.  I am overjoyed, i haven't seen her since 1995, so i have still yet to see her youngest daughter, and she to see my youngest two.  I can't wait to see her and give her a big old hug!!!!  We're been battling this addiction (her husband and my husband) mess for so long.  We talk all of the time, she is one of the only people i can actually 'talk' to and know that she understands.  Now, of course, i have all of you, and for that, i can never express how grateful i am to have you all in my life.
Keep being strong, and Bijou, give your hubby a big old hug, and let him 'love' you back and enjoy knowing that you are safe and loved.
Susan, you are free, and enjoy yourself, and someone will come along when you least expect it, and you too, will get the love that you deserve because you are a wonderful, sweet person, and there is someone out that is actually worthy of you, and this person will have to be something great to deserve you!
Lv Jenny