Aa
messed up feel like poo
i have been doing so well. but yesterday would ov been 2 week's clean I WENT & USED now i feel like s**t. why did i have to do that i was feeling weak i have been for a few day's now but don't no how to play this even though i feel so bad partner has said take it as a positve don't be to hard on myself look at it as it's the first time i've usd in 2 weeks good going but i still feel like i'v let loads of people down. people i'v become good m8ts with on this sight. eny ideas on have to avoid it when you'v got the phone in your hand to bell dealer ? natalie :(
Just make an educated decision for you. I'm very proud of you, and for some getting clean is a process. One thing at a time doesn't sound too bad to me, but sometimes to get clean you have to stop everything, drugs, alcohol, pills all cloud your judgement. When your judgement is ****** up can you trust yourself to make the right decision? Switching one drug for another one isn't the long-term answer. When i quit vicodin, i was taking xanax and somas to sleep, and drinking alcohol at night. That's why I've only been clean for 9 days. Imagine yourself free from all drugs.. Who would you be, what would you do with your life? the party sucked... I felt really uncomfortable, and I'm not going back there. There was alcohol, pills and weed. I should have left, but i didn't and i didn't use, so I guess that's the important thing. I do feel bad for putting myself in that situation tho. I could have relapsed so easily.
hi jenny.God yesdreday was a nuightmare i couldnt link to sight. i sent them two emails lol. ihad just wrote a response from your last post about weed but it took age's to write lol so i will have to get back to tou & r2r afret work. I did it again yesterday another day under my belt this is great. i do see TOTALY where ya coming from on the weed fround your right. but one thing at a time. I no this is a cop out but it's helping me at the mo. But i'am goona take some ove your advise . see i don't smoke when i'm at work & i do when i'm not lot. SO i'm gonna just try & stick to a j a or 2 a night we will do it together. Is your na book good will i get one when i go so i can just pick it up.? Still don't no what jonesin is?lol no you wheren't harse i asked you coz i new you would tell me. & your right when it come's to my kid's i would be horrifide if they smoked it manly coz i no it wuold't stop there the truth is weed doe's lead to other dru's. I hope you ok your doing so well wow i didn't realise that you are totlay drug free ( alcohol ) for 7 day's you go you inspiring hope to chat again. And it look's likw i have a hell ov alot ov demond's to kill yet so expect me around for a while lol. gear,meth,vallium,nitreazipamm, & weed that 1 can wait till lost i honstely don't like i'm strong enough to quite that just yet scared incase it make's me relaps at mo it's keeping me steady another cop out i no. But i just want to get 3 -4 week's of herion free first then meth & pill's cut down alot on pill's but will still do a rattle of them well i've done it again i've gone on & on ha ha how did party go? i no you'll ov been fine. let me no hun nat@:)
powerless..... Am I powerless? I was asking myself that outside. I felt really calm and sane, so I chose that time to reflect. Am i powerless? Can i stop forever if I'm not in NA? I could use the memory of my wd's for a little while, maybe even forever for the vicodin. I used my reaction to coke for 3 years. but I ALWAYS found something. Alcohol, sex, pot, excstasy, pills......the little bich inside of me always talked me into something. So I guess I'm resigned to admit my powerlessness. I can stop whatever I want, until I find something else, and that something else always brought me around in a circle and it always ended the same, with me wondering if I was going to die. Natalie, my LIFE and my CHILDRENS WELFARE depend on me not even smoking one joint or drinking one beer. I have to make a complete change, a transition. Addiction is a cycle that starts with alcohol or weed, but ends the same, every damn time. Sorry I'm done preaching.
Thank you i did think that you would all dog my for been waek after only 2 week's but i no that it's gonna be a relpse for a long time as i'v no intenction of putting myself thrugh what i went through yesrerday again god i felt awful enyway thank you for been understanding. i supose everyone has fell at a few hurdel's along the way is a matter of learing from them & what triggerd it of eh! thank's nat:)
Hey nat, I do not smoke weed, but I have to admit it was a fair-wheathered friend to me during my chemotherapy. Weed was the first thing I used, the first thing the many drug addicts used in my family. There is something wrong with it. It leads to other drugs, it makes you lazy, it gives you the joy that your supposed to get from kids, life, success, being outside, reading, whatever. It robs you of the true, genuine feelings you'd feel if you were still sober. If I make a conscience decision not to do drugs, that means weed too. I have a disease that tells me I do not have a disease. If I smoke weed, I'm giving that little voice inside me that tries to talk me into using power. If it's ok to toke it's ok swallow some pills, or drink... Drinking is not ok for me. I lose my self-control What happens to an addict that loses her self control? Being clean is a commitment to abstain from ALL mind altering drugs. Weed and Alcohol included. It's a gateway...into the crazy hell of addiction. I see alot wrong with weed, and it was my best friend for awhile. Do you want your kids to smoke it? If you do not, tell me the reasons why not. Those reasons are why you shouldn;t smoke it. If you love your kids, love yourself like you love them, because they do not "Do as I say, and not as I do" they are copy-cats. Anyway, hope I didn't sound too harsh. You asked and that's my honest opinion. I have 3 kids, no partner, I was with someone for 1 year and 3 months, but I threw him out cos he wouldn't quit, and I can't jeaopardize my sobriety. Plus he was a loser anyway, and he didn't like the fact that my house wasn't spic and span. I've actually only been 'clean' for 6 days, alcohol is a drug. :)
Thank you i love the support i'v recived on this sight. i read your posts alot & you make alot of sence. what you said about postin that's all i did all day yesterday as i was feeling so weak but got through it with the help of you guy'sn & i have done today without a thought BRILLIANT thank you all . I never thought i'd hear myself say this but i think i will look for a na meeting where i live i didn't think this would really help but i'am amazed. i love reading everyone's storys god it's like it's me again sometime's. r2r why carn't i find out info on people who's name's are in black?. you no loike where everyone live's age sedt freind invit's ect?
why cart i get info up about you? everyone's name that's in black it doe'snt show age where you live ect?
you go. i bet it's hard to give up two thing's drink is a hard addiction. i'v never had vicodin we carnt get them in the uk. unless they go under a different name?. I'm addicted to vallium & nitrazipam it's c**p that's a demond i'm gonna face after the heroin & methadone. those 2 are hared enough for me to be going on with ha ha. Ino what you mean about been bad on the crack that was my biggest demond to over come even though i've been on gear for 13 years. But that **** made me do thing's i wouldn't ov dreamed of if i was only on herion. Everyone could see how bad i was apart from me but it's the way it goe's eh. One thing i do regert is what i put my lodest son dylan throgh when i was useing it. his dasd was in jail doing 5 year so alot of the time i left him at his nann's my fella's mum's.I only cleaned my act up when she said she was gonna bell social svs if i didn't get clean of the crack. I'm so greatful to her now but i hated her at the time. i even went & got myself kiddnaped for 9 week's with dylan coz ov it that was when it all came to a head. I was to scared to go home so i went to my mum's she woludn't have me she'd had enough plus the guy was phoning her saying i just want to talk to nat i'm not gonna shot her it scared the hell out ov her. So i ended up at my fells mum's. The rest is history as they say but i did go bk on the gear when i moved back to where i live. I moved to perston when i got out of jail for a freash start HA HA what a joke. i was a complete **** to dylan i addmit i was a really bad mum the worsed i did think of giving him to his mum. Bet your glasd you had a allagy to coke in a wearid sort of way eh well i'm gonna fly the kid's are driving me up the wall ha ha time for bed i think. i'm of to get a j & chill that's one thing i dont think i'll stop is weed i'v smoked it since i was 13 it was my first drug do you smoke it? do you see enything wrong with smoking it? hope to hear from you again nat :) how are you doing today i hpoe you doing good, Is it getting easy'r for you now youev been cleaan a month your doing well. have you got faqmily around you or a partner?
Part of the addiction is relapse as long as you don't use it as an excuse to get high. You really do sound eager to get out of this mess, and I know you will soon enough! Keep your head up girl!
girl--you know you can't dissapoint us, we love you because u are here and trying...Dust yourself off and try again...i dont really know one person that quit the first time...Take one day at a time...Like everyone said when you feel the urge please post or call someone that knows and can help u out...
we are all here for you
good luck
r2r
we are all here for you
good luck
r2r
Hi Natalie,
I've been off Vicodin for almost a month, but my clean date is Nov 3, 07 because I still drank. I learned that alcohol was a drug also. This wasn't my first time quitting, or my first drug that I've been addicted to. I hit bottom really bad in Dec 2004, I was addicted to coke/crack and my mom had my kids, when I had them, I was a complete shithead to them, I might as well have not even been there for all the good I was doing them. I developed some weird allergy to cocaine that dec, and ended up in the hospital with a respitory problem. I really reallyl hated myself as a crackhead, it came down to 1. quitting, or 2. shooting myself in the head because i couldn't stand the guilt i felt, or the pain of not seeing my kids. Long story short, quit the coke, but i found other things to maintain myself, like exctasy, weed, alcohol, and pills. Pills were the hardest to quit because of the w/d's......
I've been off Vicodin for almost a month, but my clean date is Nov 3, 07 because I still drank. I learned that alcohol was a drug also. This wasn't my first time quitting, or my first drug that I've been addicted to. I hit bottom really bad in Dec 2004, I was addicted to coke/crack and my mom had my kids, when I had them, I was a complete shithead to them, I might as well have not even been there for all the good I was doing them. I developed some weird allergy to cocaine that dec, and ended up in the hospital with a respitory problem. I really reallyl hated myself as a crackhead, it came down to 1. quitting, or 2. shooting myself in the head because i couldn't stand the guilt i felt, or the pain of not seeing my kids. Long story short, quit the coke, but i found other things to maintain myself, like exctasy, weed, alcohol, and pills. Pills were the hardest to quit because of the w/d's......
Thank you soo much that was really lovely. i have been on the forum all day as i have felt like useing again but thank's to all on here i'v resisted & with the help of my fella even though he's felt the same. that was so nice what you said about my post's i feel like people think god what is she going on about doe's she ever stop ha ha. so that has really cheered me up. i go to a community drug'd team & they help but i've never really thought ov na meetings it might be worth looking into. i think i'm strong enough now. your right about teaching yourself to relapse like today i thought to hell i feel like **** so i'm gonna use. but then tomorrow would of been even harder thank's to this sight i have stayed clean today thank you hope to chat again. how long have you been clean. what was your addiction? nat :)
do you have NA where you live? You need a list of phone numbers to call when you get weak again.
thanks for being honest with us natalie, and I for one am still proud of you. You were honest with us. Please just don't quit quitting, stay here with us. I know your a strong person, you went through almost 2 weeks of withdrawl. You can do this honey. There's so many reasons why. you relapsed, but try so hard day by day not to do it again. Each time you relapse your teaching yourself how to. And you don't want to learn how to do that well. This is the first time I've talked to you, but I've always enjoyed your post, I like the way you write, it's like I can hear you talking to me. Give yourself a break, keep your head up, be proud and don't quit quitting!
i have been geeting better at keeping clean me & partner used to be on 7 -8 bags a day between us then one day we'd just had enough so now every day we'r clean i no it sounds silly but i put a sticker on this massive calander we have. I help's me stay focused. your right if i'v got the phone in my hand my mined's made up i need to post on here. i've been craving like mad all morning i'm off work for 4 days hols so i need to start going for walk's to help cear my head. thanks alot for support it's a good felling just to no that people do care & have been where i'am now or people are in the same place. i've only been postin a week & it does help keep in touch i'll look out for your post's i'v seen your name a few time's see ya feeling a little better just had a hot bath now gona put my face on that always helps nat:)
Your right that's what i've been saying every day for 2 weeks well not quite but i have been every night saying another day done & feeling great for it. i've got the bath running so i'm gonna have a nice hot soke get dressed up, put my face on then face the world today is another day all i can do is try for today, i'm gonna take the kid's for a walk it help clear mine to. thank you for your kind words it is a long road to recovery i'm not gonna let this set bk stop my from my final goal. thanks again nat:)
oh mate, i know you feel like s h y t e about yourself at the moment, but just have a bit of compassion for yourself. I do believe that you are giving this a go, and like riding a bike, it may take a while to learn.
In my experience, by the time I have the phone in my hand to call the man, it is usually too late. The time to start avoiding getting to that stage is days before - you know you said you were feeling weak? Well, as soon as that happens, you talk about it - as soon as a whisper of using crosses your mind, you post here, or tell a supportive and clean freind, or a consellor. The trick is NOT to try to deal with it on your own, the gremlin is too cunning - he gets you alone, in a corner, and starts weakening you bit by bit, until the craving grows and the phone is in your hand. So that is the first thing - cravings grow in the dark, secret chambers of your mind - talk about it to let the light in.
And the other thing too, is some kind of additional support on an ongoing basis - have you tried NA meetings? counselling? some kind of therapy? subuxone? I was on the gear for a decade, and I tried a millin times to stop using on my own, thinking that I had to do it on my own, that I was weak otherwise. But until I went to rehab and then meetings and counselling, I could not get clean. I would last a week or two or three, drink or smoke in the meantime, then one day something would snap and off to the dealer I would go. I think that addicts really do need that ongoing care.
Keep posting here, take the whip off youself - just take the lesson from the expereince for next time. All the very best to you.
Alex
In my experience, by the time I have the phone in my hand to call the man, it is usually too late. The time to start avoiding getting to that stage is days before - you know you said you were feeling weak? Well, as soon as that happens, you talk about it - as soon as a whisper of using crosses your mind, you post here, or tell a supportive and clean freind, or a consellor. The trick is NOT to try to deal with it on your own, the gremlin is too cunning - he gets you alone, in a corner, and starts weakening you bit by bit, until the craving grows and the phone is in your hand. So that is the first thing - cravings grow in the dark, secret chambers of your mind - talk about it to let the light in.
And the other thing too, is some kind of additional support on an ongoing basis - have you tried NA meetings? counselling? some kind of therapy? subuxone? I was on the gear for a decade, and I tried a millin times to stop using on my own, thinking that I had to do it on my own, that I was weak otherwise. But until I went to rehab and then meetings and counselling, I could not get clean. I would last a week or two or three, drink or smoke in the meantime, then one day something would snap and off to the dealer I would go. I think that addicts really do need that ongoing care.
Keep posting here, take the whip off youself - just take the lesson from the expereince for next time. All the very best to you.
Alex
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