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messed up
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messed up

I gave in took a small dose of codeine....just needed to remember what it felt like to feel human. Feel so angry at myself but must not let this be more than a lapse....got to day 9 so hopefully it will not set me back too much. This bloody illness...the addict talks to you in your own voice...the justifications I came up with seemed so convincing. I know I ve done wrong but I have to believe I can start again and  that I did well for 9 days and be more vigilant starting back at day 1. I m so sorry I ve let myself down and you lot down.
6 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
Glad your here. Are you going to meetings?  It gives me more accountability, don't want to reestablish.
The other thing I heard you say is how this disease loves to talk to us; feel human again, isn't that what you & I are trying to do by getting clean & sober. Actually live this life with its ups & downs.
You won't realize the mountain top if you have no valley to compare it to.
I'm not getting on you at all. Since 1996 I've relapsed a "few" times, lol. I'm just grateful we lived to make it back.
So my question to you is; what are you going to do different; go to a meeting, get a sponsor, get a support group, pick up the phone before using...
I pray so.
You can do this. I have faith in you. Go to any lengths to not use just today.
Keep posting, hang in there. We care.
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Avatar_m_tn
This shouldn't set you back too much physically, but I can't help noticing you refer to it as a lapse. Forgive me, but lapses are for moral issues and relapses are for diseases, which like me, you probably have!
Forgive yourself, dust off and carry on!
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271792_tn?1334983257
This is why we suggest aftercare. You can't do this alone, but WE can.
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Avatar_f_tn
4 hrs after taking that codeine I do not feel at all human....I feel sick still wired ashamed and guilty but most of all scared. My addict had alot of leverage as I felt so bad but I lost myself. Feelibg bad is unavoidable if I want to get better....as an addict I will avoid feeling bad at all costs.

I saw my therapist today...called the NA helpline....spoke to friends but still I used. Cos of my job local meetings are risky that is why this forum helps so much. Now I can see that I planned to use a couple of hours before I knew I was even considering it. I need to make more changes....it feels like I am struggling to accept that I cannot change the way I feel...I still want a quick fix.

I need to work harder and find some courage....it took me so much to get to 9 days I can t let it count for nothing if I return to using I may never find my way out.

Thanks for you responses. I will keep posting and I hope it is with the news I got back on track. Day 1 again.....I CAN BEAT THIS !!!!!!
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8976007_tn?1413334250
you need to CUT ALL SOURCES.  it is much easier mentally when you know you cannot get anything.  
if you live in a country where you can buy codeine in the pharmacy, otc, it will be harder, but alcoholics have to have alcohol in their faces EVERY WHERE they go.  grocery store, restaurants, etc.  have to be strong enough to say no even if it is there in front of you.

if you cannot go to meetings where you live, how about a town away???
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2083449_tn?1381358308
Hi October, I'm sorry about the relapse. I agree with the above. You need to make sure that you do not have access to codeine. If you are serious about quitting and staying clean, cutting off any and all sources is critical. Do whatever it takes. As was also said above. Some form of aftercare is essential for long term success. In aftercare, you will get the support and tools to help you stay clean.

Take care, and keep posting. I wish you the best, and hope you are doing well.
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