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1530493 tn?1410056636

mom looking for guidence

Hi.....I have been following your posts for months, hoping for a bit of hope and knowledge from others who have been there before making a very tough or wrong choice.  I don't even know where to start, I'm so confused.  My son is 21 and apparently a very heavy drug user.  Everything came to light about a year &1/2 ago.  arrested on sale and pocession, I bailed and went through all the things that come with it lawyer, $$,etc.giving him the benifit of the doubt.  With in a few weeks another arrest for hypo, once again bailed him followed by yet another arrest for shoplifting.  This time I left him for 3 weeks, at which time he went through WD and I found out some of what he was up to. coke, fentenal (?) oxy 80's, heroin.  After a complete search of his room, needles/ spoons.... He was released for 2 days and back in jail for bench warrent, at this time I figured he was probably safer where he was and left him.  He was then put in rehab by judge only to be removed because of not cooperating....sent back to jail.  In jail for 5 months, released on out patient rehab and probation.  He claims to be clean 3 1/2 months after being released total 8 months.  At this point he begged probation and rehab to go on suboxone, afraid of relapes,(he was told unless he came in on a script they would not allow him to start the treatment ) relapse happened.  Started small but back to iv heroin & oxy's, within a matter of days.  As of today.. he is back in jail on violation of probation.  been there 3 months, I have left him, as I know longer know what to do ???? so I am assuming the battle is once again brewing in him.  My son and I are very close, But I am no longer sure if what he is telling me is real or just another excuse to get out and get high.  At this point if I could....I would give my life for his.....he is so struggling.   The judge is once again trying to give him the chance, by giving him 6 months of shock followed by parole, which if he messes up is facing 2 1/2 - 7 years in prison.  Here is were my delema comes in.  He can be bailed ( I will have to put my house up ) which scares the hell out of me concidering his past history, but he is also not on probation or parole at this time ( not able to go on suboxone, unless coming in on them ).  He is begging me for help and trust just one more time, he tells me he believes the chance to try soboxone, just might save his life.  But, being that he is now again clean for almost 3 months....would it be just another mistake putting him on another drug, that he may not beable to kick?  I'm sorry for such a long post.  I know what some of you may tell me could be harsh, but am ready for any and all advice from someone who has been there.
God Bless you ALL
25 Responses
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Avatar universal
What is it about suboxon my son also insists that  is the answer.
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Avatar universal
Isnt saboxon just another drug? My son is also a herion addict and says saboxon will help him get clean.
Helpful - 0
1394601 tn?1328032308
Deb,

We  owe our children love, faith (or to teach morals), education and to feed and cloth them.  Once those obligations have been met, your job is over.  You have given more than your part of the deal.  You still supported him after your obligations stopped.  

Think about the karma you have lived in your own life.  How many times did you sacrifice for your children?  How many nights did you worry in their teen years if they were safe.  How many vacations did you forgo to give them what you did?  Who came and saved you?  No one.  You made those choices and lived your own karma.  He is making his.

He has been given all he needs to work through this problem.  What he suffers today is his own karma.  You can't live it for him.  Think about him being so high and wanting another fix that he kills another human.  Could you live with it?

It isn't harsh at all that you write him.  Tell him you love him but that his own karma is at play here.  He is responsible for the mess he has made and no you will not save him from that karma.  It is his to live.  You have lived yours.  Tell him you will accept phone calls but as soon as he begins to beg or hound you, you will hang up the phone...and DO IT.  DO NOT PUT A DIME IN HIS ACCOUT.  YES, THEY CAN GET DRUGS IN JAIL.

No, your obligations have been met.  He is a grown man.  Let karma go where karma goes or as christians would say, "he is in the hands of God".
Helpful - 0
1530493 tn?1410056636
As Always ...Thank You..... You are MY lifeline right now.... there are no words to explain what you are doing for me.  It is because of you all, that I can still get up in the morning.  I hope one day ... I may beable to give someone the hope that you have given me.
XO  Deb

Thank You Brian, I will follow your advice about writing my son.  I think right now, hearing diffrent experiences, seeing sucess, seeing the support you have for each other and "The Lost Mom " ... will touch his heart ... One thing he does still have left.  He may see ....he is not alone.
Helpful - 0
1047946 tn?1332608029
So sorry for what you're going through. You are doing all the right things here. An addict will change his tactics as much as needed to get what they want. They will do and say anything to get their way. Everyone above has given great advice. The best advice given is that until he is ready to get clean there is nothing that can be done. He has to want it and has to want it more than anything. Until he is ready he will continue trying everything to get him that fix he so badly wants.
I know the though of suicide has to be incredibly scary. But if he was back out and using from the sounds of it he would still be on his way to committing suicide by using. Right now if he is suicidal jail is probably one of the safest places to be. If he was out where would he be getting suicide watch? At least now he has people to watch over him.
Like Krissy said above, if he has been off of everything for 3 months there is no need to be on suboxone. What he needs is recovery care such as NA or an addiction therapist. It's something that he will have to continue for the rest of his life. If he is being forced to get recovery care in jail it is the best place he can be. If he was out he wouldn't be forced to go but it would be up to him whether or not to go. Hopefully here soon something will just "click" and he will realize it's now time to work on his addiction. The more care he gets they better chance he has of it clicking.
You need to keep fighting this battle yourself and not give him. All it would be doing is enabling and he will continue going down the road he has been traveling.
I would be more than happy to write him but I wonder if this idea will help even more. Start a new post and title it something like, "Please write my son". Give a brief explanation of what's on with him in case any new readers see it. Ask for members to write a letter to him. Maybe ask if we could share our own stories with him. After you get some responses, and I imagine you'll get quite a few, print all of them off and then you can mail all of them to him. I think this would be the best way to get him the most replies. Just an idea.
You keep fighting yourself and look out for you. The decisions you make could ultimately make him or break him. You cannot give in no matter how much he begs and which tactics he uses next.
Best of luck to you, your family and your son. We are here for you if you need anything.

Brian
Helpful - 0
1200909 tn?1306815081
It breaks my heart to know that what you are going through my mother went through with me. You can do anything under the sun to "try" and help your son BUT until HE is ready to stop nothing you or anyone else says or does will make a difference. There comes a time when you have to walk away and do nothing. That time is NOW... If he has been off everything for 3 months he has no need to be on Suboxone.
Helpful - 0
1537357 tn?1292638227
hi deb....
i just joined this forum and your posts are filled with a lot of love and fear.  i think the main thing for you to constantly remind yourself of is... that you can't enable him anymore.  i am a recovering addict, with the same issues as your son, and nobody could ever make me do something i didn't want to do and i would have done and said anything when i was in active addiction to get what i wanted.  i have been clean just over 10mos. and was in a methadone maitenance program to help me stop using opiates.  until i understood though that i really had a problem and that my thinking was really screwed i just kept using... the first 7 mos. on that treatment program.. until i started going to 12 step mtgs.  i think you should definately try an alanon mtg. and if your son is serious about living differently he will try counseling or therapy or meetings or all... it has been a long road already for me.. i continue to go to 6 mtgs a week,, have a sponser, just finished  the methadone program successfully (so far) and have a strong faith in a higher power. it takes a lot of work to continue in recovery, but the rewards are endless, life is still life, but i'm not a slave to a pill anymore.....your son can recieve all of the same gifts that i have found.... but it is up to him and only him to accept those gifts, no one can force or bribe him....he has to come to his own conclusions without you putting up your house!!!  that would be a big big mistake  you are doing the right thing by letting him sit in jail, i had to do the same thing with my soon to be ex husband while i was newly sober... if i would have bailed him out, he would have continued to destroy his life and mine and my daughters.... i know it's hard to stay strong because to love him and just want to help so badly, but the addicts mind is purely manipulative and driven towards their own selfish needs and wants at any expense of anyone.  stay strong and i will pray for your family.  good  luck....  
Helpful - 0
1401949 tn?1296043724
Hi and I so feel your pain, I too am the mother of an addict, my daughter is 23 yrs old and shooting opiates.
  The lies that they will tell is never ending, the threats to get what they want! It never stops!! And just like mommom said I would love to see my daughter in jail its the only way she may get clean. But then again yhere is drugs in jail too.
  One thing you said that really got my attention is that after he talked with you, begged and pleaded and you didn't give in he was in bad shape and put on suicide watch!! Think about it what better way to get mom to come and get him then to threaten harm to himself!! But if you were to go gt him don't you think his drug use is harming him too?? He is on watch they will keep an eye on him!  If when he calls he begs,cries, and pleads. Tell him if he continues you will no longer accept calls. He is where he needs to be!!Its his addicted mind screaming to get out. Good luck and God Bless!
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1530493 tn?1410056636
Things not going well.  Talked with my son for a very short time 3 days ago.  He called to tell me he was sorry and he loves me, but he can no longer go on like this.  His problem is not jail, he has excepted responsibility for his actions in that reguard.  He has been in suicide watch since, I'm told he is not doing well.  He has given up all hope.  I so wish he could talk with some of you,  he has no access to the internet.  My question.....would some one be willing to write him in jail ??  I know it is alot to ask, I just believe he needs to hear there is hope and alot of it.  
Thank You & Bless You All
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1530493 tn?1410056636
Thank You....he is getting some kind of drug rehab in jail, not really sure what, we haven't really had a chance to just talk.  It has up to now, been alot of very angry phone calls, alot of tears and alot of begging for help.  The last time I talked with him a few days ago.....I almost broke.  Told my husband we have to get him out....husbands only response "Do you want your son back ?"  Yes....more than anything....he than said leave him there.  Everyone but me has some sense, it is only me.....my son knows I am the weak link..... when it comes to someone I love hurting.  My family unplugged the phone, so his calls wouldn't come through...he had me so upset.  

Congrats......To You and Your husband.....Keep Strong.....Your future....Live ...Love & Laugh.  Nothing better, than remembering all those memories with a clear mind...many years from now.  God Bless You
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Avatar universal
My husband and I just got clean together we have 4 kids, our addiction was not that bad 8-10 vicodin a day kinds mild compared to some. But anyhow, My husband went from a wonderful man to a huge huge huge liar. He would lie about everything, he was also using Soma and xanax. Honey did you take anything tonight, no of course not I said I wouldnt but I could see it in his eyes everytime. I would search his car his pockets, his coat and I always found something he was lieing about. They all lie!! I knew deep down it was the drugs but he had the power to stop and chose not to broke my heart a thousand times. But we are good now and clean and the future looks good I have forgiven him but I still not for a second trust him he will have to earn that back and it will take a long time of being clean and having a track record of not lying. Its tough and my heart breaks for you my kids are little and I cant imagine what I would do. But everyone on here is right you have to be strong he is in the best place. Is he getting any kind of therapy or drug treatment in jail? Do not put your house up you will lose it!!
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1530493 tn?1410056636
Thank You !!!  You TOO are a person to be admired, in SO MANY WAYS, I'm sure your not even aware !!!
Keep up the Great Work....you all are making a difference in So many lives, including mine.  Had I not found you, I can be about 99% sure, I would have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life....he would be out by now.  
You also answered one of my most burning questions.  Suboxone...does he want it to break the addiction or a legal way to carry on, which I suspect to be the answer.
You have given me the courage to not back down to him, and I know in my heart, if I want the chance of getting my son back...he needs to be where he is.  
Once Again....Thank You.....I'm not sure if you all know, just how VALUEABLE you all are
Helpful - 0
1525404 tn?1291914516
I remember during the worst part of my addiction I heard about Suboxone. I got excited thinking that maybe I could have it prescribed for me, not to get clean mind you, but  because I thought it would be a legal way for me to use and carry on with my habit.

Stay strong in your resolve. His addicted mind will not give up in it's efforts to break down your defenses. The begging and pleading isn't working so look for the next tact to be one of "okay you win, I want to get clean. Whatever you thinks best, I'll do it."  
If that is what comes next be weary. He may or may not be sincere.

No one wants to see a person wasting their lives with addiction, and we especially don't want to see an innocent bystander get run over by a freight train either.


You're doing the right thing, don't back down. You are a person to be admired.
Helpful - 0
1530493 tn?1410056636
Through Tears ..... I Thank You from the bottom of my heart.  Your Story......SO...SO.....heartbreaking.  So many lives so torn, WHY ???  No One deserves so much pain.
I try to keep faith, but with it all.... how is it that your tiny pregnant daughter, was dealt such faith ????
As bad as I feel right now......
I also have a tiny little 23 year old daughter....I put myself in your shoes with my daughter....I can't even imagine the fear and pain you are going through.  I am SO Sorry.  If you need to talk...I am here.
As I said..this site has become my best friend......when I feel weak....I read...read...read and know I am not alone.  Just talking about it with someone in the same spot, everything seems to make more sense, by reading others stories gives me the strenght.  You are right.....I am Lucky....and before now I didn''t see it that way....that he is where he is.
Thank You and God Bless you and your daughter MomMom
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Avatar universal
Hi... sorry for all that you are going thru. I want to comment on your sons "one thing on his mind"... I truly believe that he only wants to be out... to use, not to get clean.
I wish my daughter was in jail... she is living in an abandoned house in camden working a corner to support her habit.
I tried to have her arrested some months ago... 7 months pregnant and many outstanding warrents. The police did not feel my pain.... they told me that she had to want to get better and could not help me.
How is it that they have a tiny, PREGNANT, girl on their corner and won't pick her up?!!?! I pray for jail!!!
There is nothing that you have written that I have not heard from my daughter. She has brought 2 addicted children into this world and shows no signs of stopping.
Leave him there.... in jail.... let him work it out.... he still has a chance to fight for HIS life... you can not help at this point.
You will know in your heart when he is sincere and ready... than you can lend your support..
Stay strong
Helpful - 0
1530493 tn?1410056636
Hi...me again.  I was just told by my son just before going back to jail this last time, he shot up Fentanyl...OD...friend ????? brought him back with 1/4 suboxone, given twice.  Is this possible ?
He is still desprite to get out and on Suboxone, but the more he tells me.... it seems to be having the opposite effect on me than I think he is expecting.  I feel a bit firmer....that he is where he needs to be....for his best welfare.  He is doing some type of drug program in jail.  Also from what I read The Shock program has intence drug rehab, which he will be staring in mid Jan ( if he makes it that long )  Right now I feel if I leave him ....he may not make it , but by what he has now told me....it sounds like the same may be true, on the outside.  My heart is becoming numb....it hurts more than I thought possible.  My family will no longer let me talk with him.  At least until he excepts, what we are doing, is hopefully the best we can do for him.
He has been talking suicide.  He knows he has made a total mess of his life and everyones that loves him.  He feels there is no end in sight.....I SO WISH....there was a way he could get on this site to beable to talk with you all,  I try to pass on to him some of the advice I am reading ....but as of now....he won't hear me.....he only has one thing on his mind ( me getting him out to beable to start suboxone )
I try to reassure him what he is feeling is the effects of not having the drugs and he just needs to hang in there......that it will get better.  He tells me......I just don't understand and never will.  He is probably right
My Deepest Thanks To You All....I Thank God....I Found You !!!!
Helpful - 0
1435456 tn?1314674659
In addition to this forum, you should look into ALNON meetings. They are great to help the family of addicts understand what they are dealing with in great detail. It is a like minded group that would benefit you. There are others, maybe sara or gnarly could suggest something. It would help you deal with it at a higher level. Best of luck and God Bless.

You have gotten some very good advice from everyone. I too say that you shouldn't risk your house.
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1401949 tn?1296043724
Good for you, yes as much as we want to help our children, there is only so much we can do. The will suck the life out of us if they are given the opportunity. I sat and blamed myself for a good while then I found this site, the people have given me so much insight and advice. Finally I learned to detatch, I am not 100% but I am growing stronger every day. Good for you!! Keep posting and reading. God Bless!
                T
Helpful - 0
1530493 tn?1410056636
Thank You All So Much !!!!!  I have been beating myself up for months/years
I have read and reread all your comments.  You all have made me realize, what I guess deep down ....I knew needed to be done, but didn't have the heart, or strength to face.  I have to say he has taken the life out of me.  I have a very supportive and loving family, a wonderful husband, 2  other adult children, a younger disabled daughter and 9 grandkids ( 3 of which are mine ) but the rest have made their way into my heart.  I am very lucky is SO MANY ways, to have all the love I do around me.....but still have felt so empty, lost and confused....I guess you could say consumed with guilt, anger & How did this Happen.....where was I that I didn;t see it coming.  I can finally say.....It isn't my fault....is it ????
I think because I felt to blame for the reason my son is in the situation he is in, that some how I let him down & I was willing to do or give anything I could, to give him back his life, but Thanks to you all.......I see....I have been aiding him in his destruction.  
I haven't visited him in jail for over a month now, because I knew how painful it would be sitting with him an hour.....him begging ....breaking my heart.  I have taken a few call from him, but they are just about as hard to deal with. I believe I am becoming stronger.....I guess because I have never been in his situation, I have just been second guessing my every thought.  Trying to understand addiction.....trying to understand his world.  I found this sight, trying to find info on suboxone and as I said....sat in the back ground and read for months.  So I guess taking the first step by getting "the nerve" to tell my story was a BIG step for me.....one the I don't believe I will ever regret.......
I have felt So Alone
Thank You All
Helpful - 0
875863 tn?1271603385
My Nephew has taken thousands of $$$ from his mother and Grandmother in bad checks,not to mention game systems and games from my own Son. He ruined both his Mother's and Grandmother's credit . They pressed charges, but nothing ever comes of it.
He nearly killed his Sister by watering her drugs down and taking the good for himself.
They will go to no lengths when it comes to addiction, They are the most important person in the Universe. And they will not give up on the hope that someone should give up on them. They will always return and take more. I see it in my Sister's situation and in my addicted Nephew. I beg you to take in what has been said from all who wrote. Do not lose yourself in the warm words of your Son. Until he proves with avengeance he is
drug free and capable of real love and shows no need from you outside of love, will he and you be free. God Bless. This is not an easy task for you.
Helpful - 0
1401949 tn?1296043724
I also am a mother of an addict, Honey you must stop... He is using your love against you!!!! As much as you may want to help him, he isn't ready!! You need him to face the hard facts of his addiction. He will never stop aslong as you put pillows under him each time they fall to soften the blow. You need to take care of youself and let him go till he gets ready to get clean. If he choses not to then so be it. But it is up to him. All the love I have will not stop my daughter, and until she is ready my hands are tied. I'm not saying to not love them, but sometimes we love too much. Please keep posting and reading this site has helped me so much. Contact me anytime!! God Bless>
Helpful - 0
1525404 tn?1291914516
You must be hurting something awful right now. Sadly he's using your love for him to get his way. He may be physically forced to be clean right now, and that's the easy part, but until he is mentally ready to be clean it's not gonna happen. Sorry. I suspect that he's probably sitting in jail counting the days until he gets out so he can use again.
The desire to use these powerful drugs will make us do dispicable things to anyone and everyone. Addicts will lie, steal and manipulate whoever they have to when the need gets to great. My sober mind knows full well what's right and wrong, but my addicted mind could rationalize any situation to make it okay to get them.
My wife had surgery once. She knew I was an addict. She also thought I was clean. We talked about the percocets she had and I promised her they were safe and I would not take them.  And for a while and especially for the first week while she had to have them everything was okay. Like any normal person she only took one or two a day for the first couple of days and eventually set them aside. She would have major pain symptoms every couple weeks and would take a half of one to get past it. For her to take any pain meds she has to feel like she's about to die so when she take it I know she is in serious pain. I knew this. I knew it, I knew it , I knew it. And yet eventually the addicted mind took over. I ran out of my own stash and the desperation to use became so great that I convinced myself I could take hers and replace them before she found out. She would have been pissed and I knew that. So I take them. That very night she had an episode and when she went to get a half surprise, surprise they were gone. I had to watch her suffer and I felt so bad. Her question was of course how could I do that to her. I had no answer that would make sense.

Until your son makes the first move I wouldn't do anymore for him. You will lose everything before he's finished. No one could make me quit and you could argue with me and point out every logical reason I had to quit but I wouldn't hear it. The addict has to make that decision. The fact that he is in jail yet again should be proof enough that he's not yet hit that rock bottom point. Love your son, but you can no longer enable him.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have been there... Every promise made by my daughter... broken. I attended a meeting at a rehab I put her in. The speaker was a handsome boy not much older than my daughter. He told us..."Stop helping them... they will use you, lie n steal." He said,  "My parents finally walked away and cut me off and I had to fight for myself" I have cut my daughter off. After thousands of $$. You will lose your house. He has to do this on his own.... God Bless
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi and welcome!  You are in a very tough spot here....How long will he remain in jail if
he's not bailed out?

Honestly,he's risky...Based on his history,he'll let you down again. He's an addict and who even knows if he's clean right now? There are a lot of drugs in jail!!

If you have to put your house up,I'd leave him there. His "need" for drugs will overpower anything!  It's better to let him do the time and be released with the responsibility on HIM and not YOU.  It's just too easy for him if you keep picking up the pieces. It's a sad situation...

Suboxone is a good drug but it comes with a program. Right now,he doesn't need to be on it because his use is next to nothing. He needs therapy,rehab,meetings etc...he needs that everday! He needs to find a job as soon as he gets out.

Is he a part of a drug program now while in jail?
Helpful - 0
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