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months and months of lies
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months and months of lies

Well here goes, I have come to the conclusion that it's time for me to go to rehab. The problem is that my wife thinks I've been clean since January.  We've been on this ride two times already, both times I just rode out the acute withdraws for a week. Then I just feel crazy forever developed an anxiety disorder.  So I start using again and it goes on until I get caught again.  Well its that time again where I've run through all my money destroyed my credit and continually lied to my wife about my addiction she thinks I'm clean and doesn't know where the money is going. I do have a legitimate back injury, but I buy off the street too because the doctor has no idea where my tolerance is. I want so badly to be honest I hate myself,  suicide somtimes seems easier than the truth makes me wish I didn't have anybody who cared about it because it'd already be done,  but I'm a coward. I'm scared my wife will leave me. I'm scared I'll never be OK. What about work? We have EAP and great insurance but I can't lose my job I don't know how any of this works.  What I've been doing won't work it's just a cycle. I'm a firefighter so I could easily be fired for being an addict.  My whole life is upside down, and I don't know what to do?
28 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
Hey, fly- so glad you wrote! Firstly, every single person who is stuck in this cycle has the IDENTICAL fears as you. Please know that. 2nd- put that thought of suicide in the garbage where it belongs. You only THINK you are useless and can't stop because you haven't had any success yet. Guess what? You just took a huge step by posting your fears on here.

We tend to underestimate our loved ones: we think they won't love us if we make a mistake. I bet you your wife suspects something is up. We think we're being so clever and people we live with always know that something is wrong. Your shame of your "secret" is keeping you miserable. Tell her!! It can only get better. Keeping your secrets will keep you miserable.

Okay, since this isn't your 1st rodeo, can I ask what did you do for aftercare when you detoxed the other times? If you only removed the pills and changed nothing, you will go back to misery and to using. We have to get help after. I've only started not minding being pill-free since I started to go to meetings. Every day I listen to other folks that had it WORSE than me and are more peaceful and productive after getting clean than I could imagine. I tried and tried to do it myself for years and ended up slowly but surely, using pills regularly again.

My suggestion, get your arse to an NA or AA meeting. Raise your hand and tell them what you wrote. I promise you you will feel relieved and get help from people. You don't have to be clean to go.

This is not easy but lemme tell you this is the first time since I've abused painkillers that I don't feel insane while being clean. That's because of the help I've received. Trust me, I wish this wasn't the case, but I have to accept it. I don't have to like it. But I have to accept that I got addicted to opiates for a reason and find ways to aid in building my life back up.

Other folks will be posting, too. If you wanna go to rehab, then go! That means you are open minded to a new life. And that's how things change.

Keep posting, ok?:)
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Avatar_f_tn
Oh man that shame is beast on us. About 8 days ago my first post was I'm so humilated. That was the title of my thread. If you can find it on this forum read it. The advice and support I got changed things for me. That feeling is overwhelming and eats us up from the inside out. I believe aftercare is crucial. Keep posting and stick with us. These folks pulled me thru.
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3092482_tn?1383176848
I lost my business getting clean, my whole family has to do without now, but they don't have to do without the real me. Them saying it's worth it has convinced me it was worth it. 2 years later I am still recouping my losses from detox and my loved ones profess that life is much better. I didn't lose much on drugs, just my sanity and me, but I felt like a loser for a good while. I am slowly working toward replacing my status and income. The cool thing about recovery for me is, I see my progress. There is this gradual growth, pain stakingly slow at times, but progress none the less. I didn't see that on opiates, I felt like a fish in a bowl swimming and swimming, always back to where I started. Focusing on being good rather than feeling good was something I meditated on a lot, with time and work, I am better.

You have prescribed meds for legit issues. I think you may be surprised by how often that leads to abuse of meds. Professionals of all walks of life get in this jam and out of embarrasement and fear never get help. I have heard of few employers or doctors who condemn a person for being honest and seeking help. NOW getting caught lying and not seeking help has ruined many a life. I would start by fessing up to your doctor and ask for their advice. If that doesn't help, research rehabs, if that doesn't work, do counseling, meetings, church, just keep trying to be honest and seek help. Don't stop, ever, keep seeking ways to build your life to a state of progress. Get off that merry go round and lets hike to a summit. Then spot the the next highest peak an work your way there. It will be worth it, no matter what it takes.
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8323481_tn?1405709254
Hi there..Just wanted to let you know I checked into a facility, after my family and employer thought I was clean for a while.  While I was there....and the WHOLE truth was out, man, did I ever feel SOOOO free.  I put everything and everyone out of my mind so I could focus on me.  Yes, I could've lost my partner and job.  But you know...I didn't!!  Folks really do know when something is up.  I thought I had it covered.  I continue to show my family and friends (and employer) my diligence to my sobriety by living a clean life, going to meetings, counselling.  
Going through EAP is a good route to take with your employer.  They arrange for a place for you to go, and is a liason between you and your superior.  In my experience, the system works well.  Please don't be afraid....
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Avatar_m_tn
First step talking to the wife let's see how this goes, we were already fighting last night
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3092482_tn?1383176848
I suggest you have a plan to share with her. For example, "I wanted to tell you first, because I love you, but I am going to try and get help from..." Good intentions are not enough for an addict or the ones they love, a plan implies action will be taken. Let us know how it goes.
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8976007_tn?1400955760
please don't be so hard on yourself.  i would suggest maybe start with talking to your doctor and see if they can help you.  then tell your wife and seek meetings.  as many as you can get to.
good luck.
you are NOT alone
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm gonna wait til later to tell her,  probably still today, but I want to do it as gently as possible and I don't know how.  Her mother had to talk her out of leaving me the first time, because she recognizes I'm a good man,  I just have a problem.  I'm so afraid to lose everything including the respect of my parents that I finally have. If she throws me out its not like I have any money.
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3092482_tn?1383176848
That's the fear addiction causes. You have more to fear by using and lying than quitting and being honest. I figured out I would lose everything if I didn't quit, at least there is a chance to save and rebuild what is left in sobriety. Since you want to tell your wife today, make an appointment with your doctor so you show you are DOING something about it. We can help you think of many ways to get and stay clean. You have to DO the work though. Show her you already stated your recovery by reaching out. Tell her about medhelp and how you are going to keep trying something new until it sticks. I relapsed for years, so I know exactly how you feel. Getting caught is worse than telling the truth, I e done both. Maybe make an appointment with an addiction counselor too, go the extra mile to prove to yourself and her this is the last time.
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3092482_tn?1383176848
I was told to set myself up for success. I remember telling my wife to leave me if I relapse again. I meant it, didn't want my kids to grow up with a drug addict. I was in bad shape, but with practice and time we all end up in bad snap on drugs. My wife believed I was serious when I made her promise to leave me. I made it so I would have no reason to live if I used, cut all sources, doctors included, and did every thing I could that was suggested.
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1235186_tn?1339127464
What are you taking and how much?
Will you go cold turkey or do you want to taper and let your wife hold the pills?
Were you going to meetings, counseling, church, and getting any support?


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1235186_tn?1339127464
I lived with my husbands addiction for years and years. It almost killed me.
We get so mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually sick also. In the beginning I was so scared, worried, hurt, betrayed. Then at the end I wanted him dead, I hated him I wanted the insanity to end. We did separate for a year and he got worse, suicidal. I wanted a divorce.
There is always hope. He went to a Christian men's program.
He has been  clean for 4 1/2 years. We are healing as a family.

Your wife knows you are getting high or definitely suspects. If things are like they were when you were getting high she knows for sure.
Money missing, fighting are sure signs.

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1235186_tn?1339127464
My husband gave me complete control of the money. He received an allowance. He didnt have a bank card, no checks. Accountability is extremely important. He was and is still accountable for his money, time. That is just a normal,  mutual thing for marriage. I don't have huge amounts of money missing with no explanation, gone for hours when no one knows where I am.

Your wife also needs support. Al-anon, nar-anon, counseling, church,
She needs recovery and healing.
If you got clean at home you can do it again. You will have to have alot of support to continue to walk the recovery road.
It is a marathon not a sprint.
Prayers for you and your family,
Keep the faith,
Honesty is a great thing,
Debbie
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8976007_tn?1400955760
you have definitely come to a crossroads in your life right now.  
i second everything atthebeach said.  it would help to know what your addiction is and if you are being prescribed the meds that are ruining your life.  either way, the best thing to do is talk openly and honestly to your doctor.   share your shame, fears of your wife leaving and how much you want this to stop.  if they have an ounce of compassion they will help you.  
my heart aches for you.  your pain is palatable in your words.  
i do believe your wife already knows and feels betrayed that you are not honest with her.  i would for sure take a giant step before telling her, going to the doctor.  then when you tell her you can SHOW her that you have already taken steps to stop.  especially if you have never done that in the past.   if you are like many of us, you use, suffer through cold turkey detox and stay clean for awhile, then rinse and repeat.  
you HAVE to do something different this time or your wife will not have the faith in you.  
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Avatar_m_tn
I've never been sober for more than 4 days in a row in 10 years. Granted it wasn't always the same drugs.  But I've finally settled on opiates Norco to be specific. I take 100 to 120mg a day so I know it's not absolutely crazy numbers.  I'm also prescribed xanax xr .5mg twice a day.  For my panic disorder and agoraphobia,  but honestly I don't think the xanax is a problem,  it doesn't get me high or anything,  no euphoria or anything. The pain pills have been going on for about a year and a half. My doctor gives me 30 10/325 Norco a month,  so I basically spend every penny on drugs since in my little place in hell they sell for 8 dollars a pill.  I've been looking to switching to heroin for cost reasons, so I recognize I'm getting worse.  I just don't wanna lose evening.
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8976007_tn?1400955760
i would hate to suggest methodone or suboxone for a  norco addiction, but since you haven't been able to stay clean on your own for 10 yrs, it may be an option for a short period of time while you work on aftercare and learn to live a sober life and love it.  you would only need a very small amount.  
you are missing the aftercare part.  the NA or AA meetings,  i understand your concern because of your position, but what good is that position if you are not alive???  you got to get your life back
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Avatar_m_tn
Well that backfired I told my wife everything on my knees begging her forgiveness,  then she asked me for a divorce. So now what do I do?  I can't believe this is what my life has become.
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Avatar_m_tn
I didn't get caught I confessed out of guilt,  I thought if she somehow knew she would at least appreciate my honesty
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8976007_tn?1400955760
give her some time to let it soak in.  how long have you been married?  
oh man.   when she see's you making progress to stop, she will come back.  there are a few on here that got divorced or left at first and now are back together working on their relationship.  have to give her some time and space.
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Avatar_m_tn
We've been married for 8 months.  And together for 3 and a half years I have no idea what to tell my family.
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Avatar_m_tn
We've been married for 8 months.  And together for 3 and a half years I have no idea what to tell my family.
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1235186_tn?1339127464
I am so sorry she responded that way.
She needs some time. She reacted out of anger and hurt.
It is understandable. Ask her to look at our forum "living with an addict"
Tell her you will do whatever she wants as far as trying to work things out.
8 months is a very short time to be married and then divorced.
Vows are for better or worse. There is healing.
Ask her to go to counseling with you.
Did you stop using yet?
Did you call your doctor and tell him you are an addict?
Did you delete your dealer number?
You should change your phone number that is always a good thing to do.
Please keep the faith.
Ask her to wait and let you prove yourself to her.
Sending hope,
Debbie
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1235186_tn?1339127464
I am proud of you for being honest. It took alot for you to do that.
She will understand that if she thinks about it.
I know you dont feel like it was the right thing now,but it was.
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3092482_tn?1383176848
Read back through this post and make a list of all the advice made and start doing one at a time. To me, doctor and therapist appointment and go to the next NA meeting you can locate. You will have to decide how far you are willing to go to get clean AND keep her.
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Avatar_m_tn
I probably won't direct her to the living with an addict page,  I've looked at it before and offered my opinion from my view point before,  but mostly it's horror stories about how we never change.
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3092482_tn?1383176848
So, you don't want to mention the living with an addict forum, what are you willing to do?
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Avatar_m_tn
Apparently I'm going to rehab I have good insurance. My wife has agreed not to leave me if I go.
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1235186_tn?1339127464
I am happy to hear this. When you first posted 22 hours ago you stated you thought you needs do to go. She calmed down and now you are probably relieved and happy that you were honest.
It is really the way to go.
You will both get through this and your marriage will survive and get stronger.
It is good that you and your wife have agreed on this.
It will show her that you are serious.
I will give you time to work on your recovery.
Please suggest to her that she go to counseling, attend support groups, celebrate recovery, al-anon, nar-anon. She has to work on her recovery also.
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