mother of 2 addicted to lortab wants help but cannot get it

[lacie510]

ok here i go so i am new here...this is a little about me..im a mother of 2 i have a 3 month and a 10 year old..i am a addicte and i am addicted to lortabs and tramdol...i have been on lortabs for about 12 years now and tramdol..well maybe 6 years or so...i cant really tell u how meny i take cause i dont count them..but it goes something like this i get 180 lortabs a month the 7.5/500 and i will go through them withen somewhere around 10 days ya scary i know...the tramdol i get 60 about every 10 days...they last maybe i week..i try and save my tramdol for when i run out of lortabs cause even though the tramdol..makes me sick it keeps me from going dope sick...then im finding myself begging trying to find someone to sale me something...so i had decided enough was enough..instead of chasing a pill i would love to be able to chase my kids around instead alot more funner..so ii found this website..found a place through here for my town..contact this doctor i guess left message never called me back...see its hard to get help where im from...if u go to a reguler doctor they will give u like  2 week supply say ok taper off and never come back haha yea right that does not work..tryed to detox at home nope didnt happen...ok so i found a detox center and rehab place in my home town called the hotline today..haha u know how meny thousdands of dollers they want to get into a place like that..for someone whit no credit no job and 2 kids surely cannot afford..i know u are gonna ask how i afford the pilss.well for 2 dollers a peice its cheap....and i only can get a very few...like maybe 10..so do the math..i do have medicade haha joke they wont help with something like this...im sorry it pisses me of that i want to get clean and stay clean but no one wants to help me...but yet they want to look down on u wtf....its ok for a doctor to get u on these u get hooked thats fine..u want to admit ur a addict and want help..hahahah....good luck the doc says..how in the world is that right..they see people like me dying our lifes destoryed then the medical communtiy just shakes there heads and are like we just dont know what to do to help these people..so lets do this nothing....well you know what if u would offer ur time to people like me who want and need help.there would be alot of us getting and staying clean thats what they want right??? or at least i thought so,...guess not....sorry so long im just so mad dont know where eles to turn or what eles to do but to stay this way...ive tryed going through the withdraws ive tryed tappering down ive tryed having a family memeber hold my pills for me...and it has not worked thanks for listening i guess since thats all anyone can do,.cause no one who can help will..man screw  my life...

[lacie510]

hey i know i havent been on sorry with school starting been kinda busy then we had a storm roll through here and alot of people lost power lost ours for awhile and cable for almost 2 days but i can live without cable as long as i have power..im doing ok as well as can be expected things are looking alot better and clearer now...i have some energy back and am able to do more things..the next thing on my list of goals is to start looking for work again to get myself busy and have some time away from the kiddos..even though i love them more then anything sometimes ya need a break...i will check back soon thank u for writing and caring

[atthebeach]

hey lacie,
how are you doing? you havent been on in a couple of days. i pray and hope you are still fighting the good fight. keeping the faith.
hugs
debbie

[lacie510]

well not to bad in way..but i am having feelings once again as to before i really felt nothing from being numb..and just learning how to deal with them and reconizing them when they come up is something new..its kinda like say id u had to learn to walk or talk all over again..it is in a way kinda like that..one thing i have learned to that has been helping my ten year old who turned 11 shes back in school so  the i get to enjoy free time with me and the baby wich is nice and dont have to hear mom mom om over and over for awhile its like a mini break for me..and when im not so sure or cravings are poping up i play with baby or i do something i use to enjoy that i havent done since i started using thats writing again...its kinda like going on a vecation to somewhere forgien and u have to learn there language and stuffs thats what being clean for me is like right now..but im trying to look at it as  adventure and a learning prossess thats gonna take time wich is ok...im learning to accept that..imnot sweating the small stuff right now and that helps also..and if life is to crazy for me ive learned to ask for help from family memebers wheather it be having my mom watch baby for a few hours or what have u and that helps me also.and this site to..god bless u all and thank u for writing to me

[atthebeach]

yea your first therapy session wonderful.i hope it made you feel alittle better.
there will always be housework to do. it does seem overwhelming at times when the kids are young and there is stuff all over. i also learned now that they are only young for a very short time. so make sure you take the time to sit with them, interact with them. play a game with your 10 yr old.
yes mam make a list of prioritys. if there is no food in the house go shopping, no clean laundry,do laundry.
how are you feeling physically? mentally?
congrats you are 22 days clean besides your hiccup. proud of you. you are doing it.
keep fighting the good fight. keep pressin on.
sending hugs and prayers
debbie

[lacie510]

one thing i learned today from my consler is that rome was not built in a day.... and that god himself didnt even create the whole world in one day...and also that if i have a lot that seems to have to get done in one day..to take the stuff that can wait and put it on the back burner it will be there tomorrow..learn to slow down and kinda take it easy and ease myself into this instead of trying to hurry

[lacie510]

please feel free to add me as a friend on here..i only got two on my thing so far so i  can find u all easier and write to u thank u

[lacie510]

i have to say without everyone that is on here i dont know what i would be doing or how i would be doing this...having u all here that understand and care and u al have ur own problems also..and things to deal with but at the same time..u find the time to help me and others...i couldnt do it without this site well. not the site but the people that are on here...god bless each and everyone of u..it is awsome what u are doing to help me and others...even if it may seem like ti is not alot   trust me the wor ds that are typed from another person are wor th more then what it may seem like...everyone have a good night i am going to bed with positive thoughts about tomorrow and getting that conusling that i need..one foot in front of the other...one step at a time.and before i know i wil tackle this mountain with god and people like u all on my side..thank u and god bless

[atthebeach]

that is a huge step on the recovery road.good girl so proud of you that you made that phone call.  therapy is wonderful. it isnt a magic bullet. the healing doesnt happen in one or two sessions, but then again your addiction didnt happen in one or two sessions. it is a process and as long as you are moving forward that is the most important step. one foot in front of the other, minute by minute,hour by hour, day by day. you will do just fine be honest and let it all out.
hugs and blessings
debbie

[donewitis]

well not my demons..but the ones who have been controlling my life.

[donewitis]

I just read the entire thread and am amazed at all the support you've received and also your honesty, it's awesome. I really hope that you get all the help you need, for you first and for your babies.
I just found this group..and researching. Started tapering today until I can get Thomas Recipe and also  possibly go to hosp./rehab...not sure I can do this alone... Oxycodone and Zanax are my demons. I just wanted to let you know that reading this has helped me.
God Bless You.

[Innerstrength67]

I completely relate to the whole "buddy" concept. I'm trying so hard to taper. Everytime I say no more drs, I find myself back at the drs office hoping they will give me a script. Then I get my little buddies and feel safe again. It's so crazy!!! I feel like a crazy person. I keep chasing the high and it only lasts for a few minutes. I want my life back! Thanks for listing

[lacie510]

i got in contact with one i go in tomorrow to speak to her wish me luck...i just want the gult and the excuse and all that to be gone im just so so over it..i want my life back

[atthebeach]

have you looked into any counseling or support groups yet?
to remain a recovering addict and not an active one all depends on the steps you take in your recovery.
lacie, please dont continue to look for reasons and excuses. you have to live life on its terms, there will always be school shopping, the children will always get sick, it will rain, the car will break down....................... fill in the blank.
you might have some withdrawal symptoms again, your body is still healing.
you have to resolve it in your body,mind,soul and spirit that you are done with these pills.
praying for you
debbie

[lacie510]

well about 19 days clean and i slipped up i didnt mean to..as i was cleaning out my closet i had found about 4 pills i must of hidden a long time ago i use to do that...well i had to do last minute school shopping cause i never started and school here starts tues and my 4 month old came down with a cold..and i had other stressors..i had them sitting on the coffee table getting the courge to flush them...when in the mouth they went..i feel so bad that i had done this i messed things up..but ihave no more of them left.. was wondering how far back will this set me and im i gonna go through w/ds again and if i do how  bad will it be..

[atthebeach]

hey lacie, congratulations on your clean time you are doing great. keep fighting the good fight, you can win this battle the LORD is on your side.
yes our GOD is stronger,our GOD is healer, GOD you are higher than any other.
you keep the faith, keep up the good work. you got this.
sending hugs and prayers
debbie

[lacie510]

ok so i had to post i have had such a bad day i felt like using but i didnt...it just seems like there are people out there that still want to see me fall flat on my face so there just trying to push my buttons but my god is stronger then there devil i had to share

[gnarly_1]

HI Lacie....sorry to here about your knee ......for a wile you will experience something called rebound pain it is going to hurt a bit more because your not dumping in the endorphins to kill the pain it takes a wile for the body to start to build them up on its own again once it does your pain level should go down many of our members including myself do a lot better off the narcotics then on them it just the sticky parts like this that make it a bit of a challenge push past the pain it will start to subside in a week or 2 let your body build up its own endorphins to fight the pain naturally and yes today probably su cked your in the middle of a detox it is to be expected it is the price we pay for freedom hang in the keep posting for support we all want to see you make it good luck and God bless......Gnarly  

[lacie510]

well wanted to say im still alive all just havent felt like being on much..today been a crappy day..my left knee been aching alot..thats the one i have problems woith anyways and today it is worse cause no pills

[donewpills]

lacie how r u??? i forgot what day u were on now? I read so many of these just keeppushingt though u can do this it is the hardest thing in the world but it can be done i will type more later middle fo the night and trying to typw in the dark

[donewpills]

Just wanted to confirm that when i started on these pills they DID NOT come w a warnoingn my dr gave them to me l;ife tylenol adn NEVER once told me anything I never took them due to the high mostly just took more and more so i would not go through w/d i knew NOTHING bout these pills i was on them SO long it formed a dependancy so YES YES YES i FULLY blame the drs for this. On the flip side i now know i take them for other reasons so for getting back on them after 3 yrs clean that is MY fault but these drs have a HUGE part in this taking responsibility yes but when u r in pain and they give u these W OUT knowledge behind them that is THEIR fault i have a flad in my chart and my dr knows EVERYTHING what did he prescribe me for RLS VICODIN ummmm HELLO yes these drs ARE at fault

[atthebeach]

Sorry so many typos I am typing on my phone computer is down.

[atthebeach]

Hey good for you yoou are doing it. So proud of you. Yes all is normal that you are experiencing. Fluiids.hot baths or showerswere you able to gret the hylands restful legs or the potassium & magnesium supplements?
Yes using is just a symptoms of something much deeper pain.wounds.scars.emotions and pain that have been pushed deep down into your heart.soul and spirit. Counseling is so redcommended.the support groups will help. Try to get more around as much as you can you have to push yourself even if you don't feel like it.it helps a lot to get the endrophhins producinng again.
yes many many people live life on it terms without drugs and they are happy. There are things in life that are hard and sad and it all depends on how we deal with it. The LORD is a huge part of my husbands recovery and our familys healing. Pray and ask HIM to help you. To give you peace .joy.love. and to bbreak the chains of bondage and addiction.
You are on the rioad to recovery to jumped off the addiction insanity train headed for hell and have chosen the road to recovery and life.
Sens0ding hugs and prayers
Debbie

[gnarly_1]

HI your thinking is good especially for being in withdrawals you understand its not the pills there just a symptom of a much deeper issue it is the escape where after we need to figure out what where running from I have been seeing the same substance abuse consolor for 3 yrs where still digging into why I used it comes out in layers sometimes theres so many there you forgot the original reason you started in the first place for me a big part of it is im bipolar and have spent 1/2 my life self medicating the other part was 2 herniated disks in my back
that got me started on the pills......but once I felt the euphoria of the pills I was sunk it lead to a 16 1/2 yr addiction to narcotics one im glad is over you have all the right ideas your plan is solid now work it and you will be successful in getting yourself out of this mess we all want to see you make it keep posting for support where here to help good luck and God bless.......Gnarly....btw you might want to lightin up on the coffee and switch to gatoraid wile detoxing it gives the body what it needs    

[lacie510]

well lets say i have felt better that is so so for sure...my mind wont shut up..but thats ok i guess..comsidering what i have been doing to it..it kinda feels like everything in my mind has been shut off and things are trying to wake up that has not been awake for a long time..so it is adjusting to a whole new type of feeling where at one point there was not any at all..kinda like ur foot falling asleep for a long time and u try and wake it up..it hurts some and feels weird...ive been very very moody and tryingg my hardest not to take it out on anyone..i try and sleep as m uch as i can..pretty much ive been trying to listen to what my b ody is telling and and trying to fallow its cues the best that i can...its been only day 2 without anything at all...bbut for me im  taking everything second by second..i try to write as much as i can in my daiiryi drink energy drinks or coffee to try and help give me a little  boost when i need it..the thing that is killing me the most is my dang legs..it is awfull and my arms..they feel like they weigh a ton and a half..and just picking up and holding my baby girl feels like she weighs 50lbs...oh and i sweat alot i guess that is normal to and snezze,when people ask whats wrong that i dont want to know about this ii just tell them i got the summer flu..part of me just dont want to look bad in others eyes..see im still dealing with underlying issues..beside just getting physicaly clean...im looking into a na or something to help me deal with the my part..and owing up to it all..and then i need to talk to someone about the underlying issue of why i really did become this way..the bad thigns that have happend..i need to so i can try and stay this way for the rest of my life...i need to learn how to cope and live in the real world instead of the drug induced one..and let me tell u for me it is strange...i see people smiling out in public and happy and my mind complety goes to ok..so what are they on..i know itsbad... but this is a update thanks everyone