my girlfriend was my drug.

i feel like over the 3 year span that i was seeing my ex girlfriend, i developed a very addictve personality.
she was not a very good person to me, as the relationship was emotionally abusive towards me.
but i took all the pain..to hopefully find happiness within our relationship.

i dont know if this sounds stupid, but whenever i was with her, i achieved some sort of high.
some sort of enlightened feeling that i fiend for so badly, call it love or lust..but i was very addicted.

she left me for some other dude, which completely ruined me.
i feel into a deep depression, and tried to mask it with drugs to hopefully achieve the same high.

i started smoking pot alot to get out of this depression..got addicted.
i started to feel better as the days passed, without her in my life.
so..i stopped smoking.

but now, she wants to start talking again as friends.

that alone just kills me, it's like having a blunt to your face, or whatever drug in ur face..and u just can't have it.
it's just a tease, and it's killing me inside.

so.
i went off on a rage where i just tried new drugs like coke and smoking ridiculous amounts of pot, just to numb myself.
i hate where i'm going with my life right now because i've become an absolute monster.
i isolate myself from eveyone because i'd rather be alone.

i don't really talk to anyone..so..
anyone that could help, please do.

[Arsia]

I know exactly how you feel.
I was with a guy for two years and he abused me but, yes, I was addicted (dependent) on him.
Then I got with another guy, who got me away from him. I'm still on and off with him. But it doesn't matter how good a person is to you, when you're stuck dependent on a person, you will not be happy. You'll stay with the drugs because it'll never replace it.
The only thing I can suggest is STAY AWAY FROM HER. You will NOT BE HAPPY unless you do.
Tell her no. I know it's the hardest thing in the world, but tell her you're hurting and you need to be alone to get better.
Don't see her, don't talk to her, don't anything to do with her.
Eventually, the pain will go away, but you have to isolate yourself from her.
If you don't heal first, you'll stay dependent on one thing or another. You'll never become whole. You'll never be happy.
And even if you got with someone else, loved someone else, it'd be the same thing over again.
You'd never be happy with them, but never happy without them, never happy at all.
You have to heal first or you won't be whole enough to stop from depending on something.
That's the best advice I can give.

[dani170]

I read your story and I've been where you have many times. It's not easy letting of somenone or something that has had a hold on you for so long. You can say "oh I'm better then her or I love myself too much to go through that pain again" but I always say "time heals all wounds" I look back on my relationships where I thougth I was going to die without them and didn't know how to cope but with time, I realized these people weren't for me.
She wants to be friends?? I always thougth that was crap but it's different for everyone. Think about the **** she put you through and ask yourself "IS SHE REALLY THAT WORTH IT??"
Good luck and post anytime!

[Ducky444]

Run don't walk....

[Crys833]

Stay away from her....it will only cause you pain. Get yourself healthy for YOU! Then you will be able to put this behind you and start fresh and find someone for the right reasons. Believe me, i've been with my hubby since I was 15 years old, I'm 27 now. I love him, but there are MANY MANY reasons we should not be together, that's another story, I'm just saying, you know what you need to do to go about this the right way. Love can become an addiction, and in the end it can become a prison sentence. Trust me.

[Arsia]

I know exactly how you feel.
I was with a guy for two years and he abused me but, yes, I was addicted (dependent) on him.
Then I got with another guy, who got me away from him. I'm still on and off with him. But it doesn't matter how good a person is to you, when you're stuck dependent on a person, you will not be happy. You'll stay with the drugs because it'll never replace it.
The only thing I can suggest is STAY AWAY FROM HER. You will NOT BE HAPPY unless you do.
Tell her no. I know it's the hardest thing in the world, but tell her you're hurting and you need to be alone to get better.
Don't see her, don't talk to her, don't anything to do with her.
Eventually, the pain will go away, but you have to isolate yourself from her.
If you don't heal first, you'll stay dependent on one thing or another. You'll never become whole. You'll never be happy.
And even if you got with someone else, loved someone else, it'd be the same thing over again.
You'd never be happy with them, but never happy without them, never happy at all.
You have to heal first or you won't be whole enough to stop from depending on something.
That's the best advice I can give.

[koonamen]

Been there ma man... been there, had a buddy shoot himself over a girl, thought nothing would be better until he couldnt breathe anymore. Things will get better dude, smoking trees is just a coping style we learn , from whoever. If she is destroying you by turning you on yourself with drugs you rly got to ask yourself if twisting yourself up inside just so she can say your still friends is worth it bro.. trees leads down a path to other things you dont want to go down.. my advice is to just tell her that shes ******* you up and you need your space.. excuze the language, but even my buddy(who shot himself) is still living and let me tell you man he is happy for everyday just to be alive.. ditch the girl and put yourself out there again, plenty of fish my friend just have to go trolling

[ImDONENoMore]

Arsia is right.  Please don't let anyone determine your happiness for you.  Only YOU can do that.  I wish you some much needed peace over this. :)

[j34]

Yes it is hard to be hurt ,  I have found I had to look at my own issues and not blame others for what I had let them do to me. I got counselling and found out I had alot of insecurities,fear of abondondment ,no copeing skills...umm that was harsh so I worked on my self and now am in a great relationship , the only person who was truly hurting me,was me! Great big hugs to you , nothing wrong with you.A few new learning skills and you will rise up like the phoneix, trust me help yourself and you will be rewarded !! You  can do it!

[chrisjavier]

thank you guys for all your input..
it really does mean alot, but arsia is right..
regardless if im with her or not, im hurting..
and truthfully, i'd rather be hurting with her by myside than without her.
i love her so much..i would die for her, i really would..
i mean yeah, im young and stupid. at the age of 18 with limitless potential..
but i feel like shes holding me back, but i can't let go.
im such a bitter person that holds grudges, and yet i can't get away from her in my mind without drugs.
i feel like im destroying myself with her presence in my life and as well as the drugs.
i have never felt so depressed in my life, and the days go by so slowly without a blunt in my hand.
i hate this feeling. i just want to be happy, but it never seems to come by..
once again guys thanks for your time,

.. it really means alot to me

[j34]

Resentment is like taking posion and hoping somebody else will get sick , it doesnt work for us who have addiction problems..with everybodys support here work in the solution, I remember my first love like that one.. it was sick and I wish at that age i would of gotten some postive info like you have been recieving,Instead I went on for another 20 yrs in addicton and VERY screwed up relationships. That sick first relationshiip I ended up stabbing him and am very lucky I didnt go to jail.Playing with fire will only get yourself burnt my friend

[chrisjavier]

but what do i do? if i am hopeless without her..
im always falling apart without her, and i don't find any other reason to live without her out of my life..

[dani170]

When it comes to addiction, we sometimes try to escape and it takes a few tries before we succeed...maybe this is you...maybe you just haven't hit rock bottom yet, although I would have considering what you've said about her...

[chrisjavier]

i have hit rock bottom, and honestly this is the worst i've ever hit it.
i can honestly say that i have never smoked this much in my life.
my emotions are completely messed up from all of this smoking....
im far more unstable, and can't handle this like i usually would.
im far more depressed and down.
it's such a bad feeling, addiction and depression?
like they just continuously feed off of each other..
both her and the pot are killing me.

[dani170]

Have you talked to family about this? Maybe a friend or 2? Hearing it from others what a jerk I was with made me feel soooooooooooooo stupid to go back to him. We've all been where you are at one point and in order to learn our lessons in life, we have to live it first. You're 18 and still young and garantee you'll look back at this point in your life and wonder "what was I thinking?"

[j34]

You ask what to do you are doing it reaching out to ppl who are clean. Now you have to reach out to ppl in your area, I found I couldnt graft a new idea on a closed mind, our words become our thoughts and our thoughts become our behaviour now if you keep telling yourself that you cannt live without her you are going to believe that. Start changing your words tell yourself " i can do this' i am worthy,ppl love me, i can and will make a GREAT LIFE for myself......

[jeffclowns]

just get another girl that will take your mind off her any ways Ive been through this don't let this chick ruin your life your young there plenty of tail for you to chase out there so get to it buddy....jeff..and p.s don't be like i can't live without her it sounds straight lame dude for real no chick is worth all of that especially when you say she with another dude. man forget that girl homie she sound's like a.......  for real MAN UP ..AND FORGET HER....

[chrisjavier]

well i already blocked her number, facebook , and aim.
so im gonna try to just not talk to her from now on.

and.. idk i think it might be the pot thats really just messing with my head now.
like todays the very first that i havent smoked and completely stayed sober.
but i honestly feel so much more emotionally unstable,
and the suicidal thoughts are starting to come.
im really trying to slow down in smoking..cause my life's been a huge blur as of late.
and i can't really determine what my emotions are.
and it really *****.
mmm i honestly just feel like im complaining to you guys.

[j34]

no your not complaining just stick around and lean on ppl for support ,see you are already working in the solution! what a great job,you have taken two huge steps.I believe complaining is when you vent and then dont do anything to change your situation.Keep talking it out okay ..it is okay to feel. I went down so far that i didnt even know how to feel,they are a gift ,if you didnt know that bad times how are you going to know the good times?.Keep the good times that will be coming close to your heart and keep gratitude number one and i promise you will always feel blessed instead of a victim

[Arsia]

This is on my phone so it'll be short, but I'm here. It will not be easy to get over her, it'll hurt and take time. The same with any drug. But you'll destroy yourself if you don't. My turning point was realizing he doesn't feel the same about me. I'm not literally his air like he's mine. This is my first weekend in awhile without him and it's REALLY hard. I keep crying. But it has to be done. I keep wishing him pain because I'm hurting and it's awful but I'll never be happy if I don't.

[chrisjavier]

exactly, im holding a grudge.
and the things i would do, i wish her so much pain.
like i woudl take my own life away just for her, and it pisses me off that now i just want her to hurt.
these are the first few days for me to be without her , as well as any drugs in my system...
SO. im like on really shaky grounds.
and i know exactly how you feel, either way i still feel hopeless with or without her

[xizzor]

aah man the human mind, it can make us crazy.
you're obviously stuck in the eye of the storm right now

you're trying to get out of it but no matter which direction u go to you're just too stuck.

the reason u feel so powerless, is because you're trying to make urself feel better while you're still busy making yourself feel bad...
it's like you're steering to left and right at the same time; u can't get the car under control like that.





the first step is not to make urself feel better, but to stop make urself feel bad.
do nothing but look at what ur already busy doing:

the train of thoughts telling yourself,
u need to be with someone to be happy,
that being alone is boring, unfulfilling, failure, etc.

ok, see that you are doing all of the above,
and now let go of doing that.

u don't have to think new positive thoughts to try to surpress the negative thoughts it don't work.
let go of the negative ones, & the tension all over ur body...

ur painful emotions and thoughts are inseperable from the tension all over the body.
if u let go of the tension in the body, so also the mental problem will be released.
it is far easier to let go of the tension in the body, than trying to fix the unhappiness on the mental level.


so letting go of the tension,
u can only do this by giving attention to the body...
feel how it's all tensed... ur stomach, ur heart area, ur throat, ur head...
and let go...

if u don't give attention to ur body, and sort of "step inside it"...
then the tension will continue to be there.

because there is tension in the body we somehow have the urge to "step outside it", this intuitively feels the right thing to do.
but the only way, really, is to step inside it and only then can you let go of the tension.

[Arsia]

I'm cutting myself away from my boy and getting off of hydrocodone at the same time. I feel so inexpressibly horrible. So I at least kind of feel your pain.

[NoraTorious]

People get what they deserve in the form in which they deserve it.

That being said, I have had 2 very toxic relationships in my life. My boyfriend of (give or take) 10 years, and Tramadol.

I have been off him for coming up on 7 years, and off the Tramadol for almost 20 days. Even though 3 years after I cut him off (BTW he was now MARRIED and still chasing me-a very toxic man with his own nasty addictions and demons) I married the most wonderful man ever. Truly the nicest guy ever. So I got what I deserved, a good healthly relationship. I was stupid to let the Tramadol take over my (and my husband's) life, but I am facing that now.

Wishing someone ill -nothing good comes of it. Carrying that anger and resentment, it is just another thing to pin you down, when you should be taking care of the most important person ever-yourself. Retribution happens. Maybe not the way you think t ought to, but, I guess I just think it is not good to enable Karma, as it will happen in good time. And the good things you do, for yourself, for others, will come back.

We live in a world of instant gratification. We can contact someone right quick with an email, text or phone call from our cell phones, make a meal in 10 minutes, (or drive thru in less) and we forget, the quality things in our lives take time.

I am not trying to be preachy, or a know it all. This is me, just my opinion, what I have been through.

I wish all of you the best of luck, and happiness of some sort.

[chrisjavier]

thank you guys once again for your contribution, and i really really really am thankful for your guys input.

its been like 3 days since i havent smoked, i was really close to it..i picked up my bag, opened it casually and started getting ready to get high and forget my problems....
like ive been really fiending to smoke.

i feel like these problems haven't gotten any better, and i try to hold all my emotions within me.
but now i feel like there's too many emotions just building up, from suicidal thoughts, hating my ex, and an addiction thats been eating at me..
these demons seem as if they're too much to handle, should i be going to therapy or something..?
life just doesn't seem worth it at this point, with no direction in life or purpose.
studying in school with no motivation, just doesn't seem worth it.

[Arsia]

I would suggest seeing a therapist. They can actually help a lot.
I know it really doesn't seem like it, but after a certain amount of time, you'll start to feel normal again. And normal as in not what the drugs make you feel. Right now, I'm fiending too. Normal doesn't feel normal, doesn't feel right. But it gets easier. Each day without your ex and your drugs, you're getting closer to getting better.
I know it's a lot. Trust me, I know. But think about all the pain you felt before, all the pain you're feeling now. That'll go away. It's so hard, but just keep going.

[NoraTorious]

I agree with Arsia, find a good therapist, and either flush the pot or give it to someone who can keep it away from you. And put the thoughts of your girlfriend with the pt when you do away with it. When it boils down to it, the best person you have is yourself. You are more important than any kind of drugs or girl.

I know this is not easy, but please, survive. You will be glad you did when you meet the a girl that treats you the way you derseve to be treated: like the valuable person you are.

[j34]

Yes for sure we cant hold things in us or they eat us alive, this I know from experience, good job on not smoking , here is a suggestion get rid of your stuff... that is what i did and am a happy , productive person today(after lots of help) all the best j34