my life fell apart in less than a week

[ImAfrayedKnot]

Hello all.  Im kinda new to the forum but not the issues ive been reading. I am currently having the worst day of my life . Well let me start from the beginning. Im a methadone patient. On 50 mg. I was being kicked out for having meth in my urine. I slipped up and failed and they have a zero meth policy. Note: im not a meth user at all. That was the first time I have used it in 5 years. Well instead of taking the test and showing dirty for meth, I left without dosing .my plan was to wait five days and go back when I was clean and tell them I was dumb and was gonna try a cold turkey detox. Heres where it gets bad. I am ready to quit methadone and get out of the clinic all together.  Im tired of spending the money and tired of being sleepy all the time. I have a 5 year old beautiful little girl and a wife that means more to me than anything in this world. Well today she told me she needed some time alone and didnt want to live with me right now bc I done meth behind her back.  On top of that I was upset and emotionally wrecked when I was told I wouldnt be moving into the new house we just rented and was not gonna get to livr with my family , so when I got to work this morn I was already very upset. Then my boss walks up and tells me he is gonna have to let me go. I was gonna go back to the clinic this friday and try the suboxone route. Now in 4 days ive lost my wife. My home. My child. My job and havent been back to the clinic and couldn't afford it without a job even if I did so now I have nothing. And nothing to lose. I dont even realjy know what my purpose was for this post but any advice from someone who has maybe been thru sonwthin would be great. Im losing my sanity and will not even be able to work a new job even if I found one. I feel completly hopless..thanks for anyone who takes time out of their day just to try and help another soul. Please pray for me  a man in withdrawals who lost his family and job can be very dangerous to themselvs ....
thanks to all who help others.  
   Shawn

[ImAfrayedKnot]

Oh I forgot to mention she goes to a clinic as well. But she is a functional addict and medicaid pays for it. (For now) but I want to be off methadone bc it makes me numb and a zombie. Tired and in a fog all the time. Thank you all for the posts. I will be back in later on. I'm filling out a few apps rite now.

[Back2Me]

I quit heroin and pills cold turkey for my family. My wife was not leaving me or mad or anything but she was always worried, I could tell and I did not want to to have to worry about me dying every time I used, which was a lot. I saw it in her face and asked what the hell would they do if I did die or keep going down the addiction road. So I quit cold azz turkey at home. It was the worse WD hell I could ever imagine. I took two weeks off of work and put my JOB in jeopardy but I took the chance anyway because I was no good the way I was. Well I did get some snarky looks at work and some attitudes upon return but I still have my job and I was back to work with a doctors note who I came clean with and he wrote me a good excuse. One dr visit like $50 covered me for two weeks but I have to tell you my entire family including my wife has NEVER been more proud of me. Never.  She saw the hell I went through and she know why I was doing it and she still glows when talking about how happy she is that I'm off of all that garbage. So you want to earn the respect and admiration back to those around you in YOUR situation I can think of no better way brother than to just do it. My wife was aware that I could lose my job but was STILL supportive and really didnt care. She knew I could get another job after I cleaned up. As it is I make a good amount of money so when I DON'T go to work I also LOSE a good amount of money. There are bills I just cannot pay this month and it will take me probably a good year to see the light at the end of the tunnel financially but brother it is WORTH it!
Your family will never be prouder of you.
I know I messed with tapering before and it ALWAYS led to me just using and using and then never stoping and doing more and more.
If you want to show them you mean business then do it. It sounds like you dodged a bullet and are sitting with your family right now. But if you are still on meds in three months, six months, two weeks will that still be the case? You can do it now and explain why and tell her it's for all of your futures. Everyone's situation is different but it sounds like your girl is about at her bottom with your using. If this is correct I would not wait too long.  Good luck.  

[FourJays]

You are in charge of your destiny here Shawn; I agree with neveragain.  You have been dealt a somewhat tough hand with the lay off and all, but try to think about the things you DO have going for you; a home and a family that loves and needs you.  You are facing a huge challenge for sure; and your chances of succeeding in ALL ways - finding a job,  your financial situation, keeping your family together, etc., will increase substantially if you are clean and sober.  It is not going to be easy or pain free no matter when or how you do it.  But every bit of hard work you put in to it will be worth it in the long run.  Even if you can start tapering by very small amounts; anything in that direction will be a positive step to a more secure future for you and your family.  Baby steps, even tiny little ones, will add up.  Keep planning and think positive.  YOU can do this....keep posting here for support - we are here for you :))

[addiction777]

Well seems I have a little experience in this department, the day I was put on house arrest my wife left to live with someone else , filled custody papers to take full custody of my kids , so there I was no job lost my wife on house arrest still on 55mls of methadone trying to taper! I felt like u do right now! However 3 months later I'm off methadone , my wife wants to come home , I'm getting full custody of my boys and have them now, have a new job , and my probation officer mentioned if I keep it up she may just request to have my house arrest ended early! Take this as a wake up call! Your wife loves u ! if u work on yourself get clean off meth and get yourself back together u may just find your wife will take u back, take this time in your life to focus on yourself ! find what makes u happy !! if u don't end up back on methadone go the cold turkey route ! It will be painfull but in the end better for u!! maybe this is what u need right now to get your stuff fixed ! I'm sure your ready to feel real energy and happiness again so try not to get so down! Look at it like a goal to get clean , healthy , then you'll find work and maybe your family back!

[VICourageous]

Hey Shawn..I did go c/t when I got down to 30mg after 12 years plus 2 other meds as I said above..So in my opinion and speaking from my own experience..Maybe get the unemployment going because that will take time.Then Go out and pick a whole bunch of applications up...Maybe just jump the Boat now and be done with the worse in a week or two..It took me many months but I came off three for way more years then your use..Meanwhile you can take your time feeling out the apps and the unemployment will be coming in by the time you detox and do find a job..I really think a week or two will not hurt you right now to stay home..The brain will play tricks and will want you to keep doing the drugs for many reasons..Like you said I need to work..Well work on you right now and the rest will follow..other wise I am afraid you will get stuck just like I did..
I am telling you the God honest Truth that Time is the greatest Healer..So just try to focus on you for a couple of weeks and everything will come out in the wash..Other wise you will be stuck on the rinse cycle..Hope you get what I mean..Do not Stress & Worry about nothing right now..Your Life depends on it!!!!
May the Lord be with You & Family..

[neveragainplease]

Shawn, You are in the driver's seat. You are planning and that's good. You are home!!!!! I'm so happy for you! Wow! We'll be here while you put the pieces of your finances, taper, total withdrawal and all that together. You're in charge. We're here to love you AND your little family through this. Keep posting! Keep planning and doing.

[BelleFemme]

I just want you to know I am praying for you and your family. Do not give up. I know you will be able to support your family...peace and blessings..

Belle

[ImAfrayedKnot]

Thanks alot guys. I'm feeling very depressed today. I'm not even tapering yet. I just haven't been back to my clinic bc I didn't want to fail the drug screen for meth that I did that night. Friday in going back and thats when I start my taper.well that is when I want to start but I'm hunting a job and really do not need to start a new job going through withdrawal. So now I feel like I'm never gonna get off the methadone. I have to be able to Function at a new job or end up fired bc I can't bear the pain.  I just had a job that I had 3 weeks of vacation time and I quit it to go to a job that pays more but then got laid off. So now I gotta find a job and try to pay for a house I just moved into less than a week ago, plus pay for the clinic. Not to mention my daughter and wife who need me to not be sick so I can work. I don't know what to do. All I know is to delay the taper till I can be at a job long enough to explain my situation and take some time off. If I was rich is pay for a rapid detox but I'm not so that's out of the question.  I guess for the time being all file for unemployment and food stamps which I've never done before until I find a job. And just hope and pray that I can keep my house paid for at least. My wife stil works but doesn't make near the money it will take to keep us afloat.  I feel like I really let my family down. If I would have just said no to the meth then I wouldn't have had to avoid the clinic till I was clean which means I wouldn't have had the issues that got me laid off from my job. Now bc of me and my dumb decision to smoke methamphetamine, my family has to suffer. I've been taking methadone on the streets instead of the clinic bc if you fail for meth at my clinic your are kicked out. So I'm not in withdrawals very bad but I am still down bc in only able to take 30 mg a day opposed to the 50 mg a day I was use to. everyone please pray I find a job today or soon. I need to help my wife pay for the bills. Once I have a job I can plan my taper and finally be methadone free. I'm about to go fill out some applications so I'll be back on after in done. Thanks everyone and I hope you all have a better day than I am having. Much love
    Shawn

[jennja1209]

Shawn,
It sounds hopeless now but It will get better you can do it detox on your own after you start feeling better go talk to your wife,  I am sure she still loves you but doesn't know any other way to deal with the thing you are dealing her.  Once you are clean for a couple weeks she will see you do want her your daughter, the house, a job and everything that goes with a good life.  Just don't give up you have so much to get clean for.  If you need a shoulder or an ear I am here!

[ariley13]

I am so glad to hear that things are already turning around! Good luck to you and we are here any time you need us.

[clean_in_ks]

Good for you, Shawn.  Form your taper plan and then try to "just do the next right thing".  We have lots and lots of recovering methadone addicts on this forum.  A TON of support and suggestions await you.

To respond to "everyone".....just type everyone.....in the "To" box right under "Post a Comment" here on your thread.  Then we can all read one comment after another on your thread.

Our health pages (bottom r.h. corner) are full of good information....lots to learn there and lots of tips that will help you as well.  There's even an article to help newcomers learn how the site works and tips on getting the full benefit from the forums, etc.

Glad you are with your wife and daughter in your new dwelling place.....and now you can begin your road to recovery.......blessings to you~

[FourJays]

Shawn-
Thanks for updating us - sounds like things have already turned around for the better!  Your decision to taper down is a really smart one and there are many people here that have experience with this med and have successfully done it this way.  Keep posting with any questions or comments you have; there will always be support here.  Good luck :))

[L_Lady]

I'm praying for u Shawn.  I'm so glad you're getting to taper and that u are back with your family. :)
May God give u strength in your journey.

[ImAfrayedKnot]

Thanks to each and everyone who took time to post. This has to be the best place ive ever found on the internet period. So awesome having so many people in the same boat but diff situations and sharing to genuinely help one another through this horrible dieses. Things are already starting to feel a little better bc I am in my new home right now beside my wife and child. Thats what I need in life more than Anything.  With them and all of you guys I think I have a chance. Ive made one post and already recieved 9 comments thats better than any clinic meeting ever was. I w ill be going back to the clinic but it will be to taper down instead of all at once cold turkey.  Thats just asking for relapse and I dont want to go 5 or 6 days and throw it away bc I couldn't handle the pain. Everyone says a slow taper is the best so ill do that. This was meant to go to all of you guys but for some reason twenty is the only one in the "to" box. Lol not sure how I reply to all on the thread. But if I have to ill write each one of you and thank yall if you dont ses this post. Thanks for the hope and prayers everyone.  Keep it up and ill be doing the same for all of you.
Thanks again
Shawn

[Pjtwenty]

Wow that's a lot!  I'm sorry. Above post are great advice.
One thought I had was this could be your moment to prove to your family your determination to be clean and to love yourself therefore loving and caring for your family even more.
If anything you have to for your kids. They need there dad.
Keep us posted.

[Back2Me]

First thing. Get clean and stay clean. Better life decisions will happen after that I guarantee it :)

[FourJays]

Hey - you are going to be OK; you found this place.  There is so much great information and suggestions in the above posts.  Things seem hopeless at the moment, but it is only for THIS moment.  You have the power to turn things around and you CAN do this.  Stay here and keep posting.  Many people here have been through some horrible life situations and are here, today; clean and sober, or in the process of doing it right now.  You have found the right place - hang in there.....we are here for you.

[VICourageous]

Hi guy..I was wondering when you were going to do your own post..I totally agree with Back2Me..Some of us do think it is the end..I know it is so hard right now..It is hard for me to tell you to keep up the Faith because right now I know you do not think there even is a Higher Power most likely..I also agree with jennylynn..I went down to 30mgs and jumped the boat with 2 other meds..They wanted me to do the subs..I did fast & a dumb way for 4 days it did just made it all much worse..You will be fine..I would not do the merry-go-round with one drug to another..I think you will need some time to get clear headed and clean..Then I do believe with all my Heart that your life will seem so much better and it will all fall into place..Just hang on with us for support too!! Ok do not be hard on your self I know it really s**ks with what you are dealing with right now!! I will send some cyber prays your way..You do need alot of support right now..Ok
Bless

[neveragainplease]

Wow, what a completely crappy Monday. I feel your situation. I lost it all recently myself.

One, expect miracles and keep looking UP.

Two, stay with us on here. Think of us as kind of like, you're in an ambulance and we're the paramedics. You're asking, am I gonna live? We're saying, YES Believe it or not buddy, you're gonna live! Just stay with us...stay with us.

This place will help you sooooo much. Much love, xoxo

[SmilingBright]

Wow.  Sorry u are going through so much.  The above posters said it well.  
Im sending prayers that way for u!!  

[ariley13]

I am so sorry that things are going so badly for you right now. I know that things seem very bleak right now, but please don't give up hope. You have the perfect opportunity to take the first step in turning your life around. Once you are able to get clean hopefully everything else will start to fall into place. Please hang in there and take care of yourself. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Back2Me]

Wow that's lot to be dealing with but what is going on now is not necessarily how it's going to be on down the road. It's only up to you how this turns out. I know one thing we are all stronger than we think we are. Just when you think you have it bad think about people that have it worse and survive. People in hopeless conditions. Just look at the news and those girls that lived in a basement for 10 years being tortured. Or think about their parrents and the hell they endured. Your problems are large right now no doubt but never give up and pull yourself up from the dirt and dust off. You have kids to be there for and if your wife does not take you back that ***** but there are others out there you never know how happy you could be in a few years down the road. But if you don't fight for it you will never know. And there are other jobs. It's looks bad now but you will be ok just one positive decision at a time brother. Ill post more later.

[jennylynn1988]

I'm sorry you're having such arough time with life. That's a whole lot to go through at once. I myself ruined my marriage and life by doing pills; so I know how you feel. I went through withdrawal from Suboxone and it was the worst thing I'd ever done. Pure HELL. Don't go that route if you do get the chance. It's awful. Just go cold turkey and fight through it. That's the best advice I can give. I know it ***** and it hurts but you'll come out better after it and you get to see life in a completely different way. It is truly amazing. If you need someone to talk to that's been through a similar experience... message me. Again, I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this at once but things WILL get better. Slowly but surely. Hang I there. <3