my wife icu update- need your support and prayers.

hello all. my name is mason i have been on this website for a pretty long time but i never would post, just read. well my wife reached out today on this site and that post along with a note to me was the last thing she did before attempting to take her own life. i came home from work to find her lying face down with an empty bottle of jack daniels and a note to me. i got her to the hospital just in time. she had ingested 37 percocet 10 mg pills that i guess she had gone out and picked up from an old dealer because we are both coming up on 2 years clean may 6th. which is also our wedding anniversary. she suffers from agorephobia/ panic attacks and deep deep depression... no anti depressant has ever worked for her. these past few months have been hard for her. she lost her best friend to a relapse-OD and she also miscarried twice which was hard on both of us but her more so than me i feel. i do feel like this is my fault for not paying more attention or showing more concern... right now she is still unconcious in i.c.u. at cooper hospital in camden, nj... her vitals have stabalized but she is still unresponsive. they say she should wake up in time but there is no garuntee... anyone have experience with spouses or friends with depression/ anxiety and suicidal tendoncies??? i just dont know what i could have done to stop this from ever happening. i love her so much. we have been together since freshman year high school. she is my soul mate and i cant lose her. so when she wakes up i need to know what i have to do to help her out of this state of mind. thank you for your prayers and responses in advance.

-mason

[worried878]

prayers help us now when things are left to either that or what other choice?  I would pray..and i would pray...i and i would know her time is not up on this earth as she had things to do/places to go/goals to reach ...this is not her time..i can feel it in my bones,,she has mosre to offer before her time is taken by God...i hope so but i feel it too...pray...and she will b back helpnag others quit/toavoid this long dark street to nowhere....be there for her when she comes back to us

[allaboutmary]

I just read your wife's post. Depression is so awful. You will both be in my thoughts and prayers. Your wife mentioned she was having panic attacks because she was afraid of having a panic attack.  They actually have a name for it....it's called "fear of fear" and it can be overcome. She is going to need some profesional help though and hopefully they can get to the bottom of her depression & fear.  Again, you will both be in my prayers.

[chanandalerbong1]

thank you for your comments and prayers. she has a therapist but i think he is a joke she has told him several times the lexapro is not working and its been almost 5 months now since she started it and all he kept saying was give it time. also she has said repetatively she doesnt want to be dependant on xanax i think she is scared because of her past, but i try to convince her to do take it because without the xanax she has no quality of life anyway i mean she has not left our house for anything except doctors appointments for going on three month now. so what do you all think? it takes 2mg of xanax to relieve her anxiety enough to walk out of the door without totally loosing it but even then she still has some anxiety it just doesnt peak like it would without it. her panic manifests in the form of nausea vomitting diarrhea and extreme emotion crying all the time and such. she could rarely eat a meal or sleep because it was always worse in the a.m. so she almost never slept fearing for when she would wake up. we are both convinced her depression comes from the results of her anxiety and its related effects. if she could control her anxiety she wouldnt have the depression. thats why she loved the heroin and the oxy. it numbed her. she felt invincible. but it was no way to live. and we all know what happens when the drugs wear off and you cant find it immediately.... we actually had a doctor who would prescribe her the oxy 80s because he felt so bad for her and she begged him for the relief. we never told anyone about him because we knew how much trouble he could get in. im posting these from my iphone because i refuse to leave her bed side. she looks so peaceful. i have not seen her face this relaxed in so long even when she is sleeping... this forum really helps me. i dont have much support in my life and i have trouble expressing my emotions, but for some reason i can really talk her. please talk back to me? i dont want to be alone.... thank you.

-mason

[freebird227]

I pray that you will feel the concern from every one who post here and know you guys are cared about.
In the time being
Be Still..........Breathe..........Be Present..........Trust
The answers to all your questions and worries will come when it is time,I believe that.
Take care of you
I lift you up that you may feel the loving arms of protection all around you and know that you are not alone,I pray for a super natural healing and recovery,amen

[mojorisin64]

how long has she been on ad's? this could be situational depression because of her friend,and the loss of her babies....yeah i said babies,because once you find out youre pregnant thats what they are........when you get to that place there are no words,nothing that will change your mind...there is nothing you could have done

[chanandalerbong1]

she has been on lexapro for five months now. if she misses a dose she experiences vertigo and gets a migraine so even though she knows they dont work for her and has told the doctor he just says to keep giving it time. we lost the first baby back in september and the second in february. her friend passed away in february also. she has been battling the depression since we quit H and oxys, but its the anxiety that is sucking her dry. with all that has happened this year its getting progressively worse. just to leave the house she needs 2mgs xanax 1mg of klonopin, but she is scared to get dependent so she refuses most time and just wont leave the house unless its for the doctor appointments. she wants nothing more than to have a baby, that was her main motivation to get clean. three weeks ago we saw a fertility doctor and he said she has an irregularly shaped uterus that will make it impossible for her to go full term so she blames herself for the loses. i think that just threw her over the edge even more so... but i dont know what else we can try to get her mentally healthy. i feel so bad sometimes watching her suffer so badly.... the panic is so bad(the nausea, vomitting, diarrhea) that she rarely eats and even gags while brushing her teeth... anywho i dont know our other options for getting her well again.. any ideas? thanks

-mason

[mojorisin64]

my daughter has that,the split uterus...i think they call it...she might be able to try effexor...thats what i started on,now im just on celexa 20 mg...might ask dr about that,and she might need to see a grief counselor...

[ProdigalGirl]

First off... she is in a very GREAT hospital. This I know. I am so so sorry for what happened. I can say from experience that she was not thinking clearly. She will recover and your life will continue. I just am very sorry. I am going to share my story  for your shake only.

I would never have done so otherwise. Due to your pain I am sacrificing all my past pain that I caused myself and most of all my family. I tried in the past to do the same. Ended up in ICU on a vent and ng tube for 3 days. Why I did this... I do not know. Was it an accident? I do not recall. I only remember a friend calling me when I was losing consciousnes and she came and saved me. I would not be here to comfort you if it were not for her, I was detoxong at the time. I had undergone a procedure to help my pain that did not work and remember feeling depressed. Everything else is a blur. I am sure she did not mean this. I can't beleive I told you this but you need comfort. I have gone on to help many people, more than you know. God did not want to take me then and I know in my heart he does not want to now. Let her body heal as mine did over those 3 days and this will be a thing of the past. She will get better. Sure, Camden is the worst possibe city in the USA for crime rate, but has great hospitals. You are in my prayers. I am a living testiment that the Lord will bring her through this and I took way more than she did.

I am praying for you. Heaven is rocking rigt now!

[ProdigalGirl]

Please pm me if you need guidance, support etc. As you can tell, I know Cooper very well. Please utilize someone that has been there.....returned..... and can help you.



ProdigalGirl

[ProdigalGirl]

I meant chan...



ProdigalGirl

[swandive222]

sending my prayers your way for you and your wife.  

please keep us posted.

jessica

[dominosarah]

My thoughts are with you and your wife.......You are a good man and with you by her side she will recover.........sara

[kim715]

Thanks for the update.Lifting you both up in prayer.....Kim

[MontanaGurl]

Mason - you and your wife will be in my prayers and thoughts.  Take care of yourself so you can be there for her when she wakes up.  I know right now everything is a blur and you are scared out of your mind but, everything will turn out for the better.  It just takes time for the medicine to get out of her body.  Someone close to me tried to take their own life and the hospital gave them charcol and pumped their stomach out and kept them in a sedated state cause they said that it was good for him to stay still and not move around alot because it causes the medicine to move faster through the system when you are up and active.  While she is sleeping it off the medicine will leave her system faster.  I am praying for both of you right now.  Please be strong, take some deep breaths.  When daylight rolls around you will see things better, right now is the most scariest thing for you.  Keep posting and keep us all informed on how things are going.  Talking about things helps.  Get things off your chest and just breath.  Someone above suggested grief counseling and I think that would be a good thing for both of you.  My husband and I lost our baby, I was 5 months pregnant when we got into our motorcycle accident in October and that took me down a whole different mental highway than anything else.  Just love your wife and let her know that you love her and you will be there with her when she wakes up.  It just takes time for the medicine to get out of your wife's system and than she will wake up.

Sending you all of my prayers and thoughts, please keep posting, it will help to get things off of your chest and out of your head.

Lillian

[chanandalerbong1]

hello again and thank you all for your thoughts and kind words. just an update-- kristen is still unresponsive but the doctor said her brain activity is strong and normal. she will be transferred out to penn university hospital by the end of the day to go directly into an addiction specialist/ womens help clinic when she wakes up as to get started on her recovery as soon as it is possible. i havent slept or eaten anything so i apologize if my posts are getting sloppy. thank you again. any comments help. this forum is keeping me sane right now with the buzzing of the florescent lights in my ear, the beeping from the monitors and the off white walls that make me feel like i belong in a straight jacket....

-mason

[chanandalerbong1]

on an unrelated note.... im looking for anyone in the philadelphia/ south jersey area that belongs to a good na group. i havent found one that i like. i feel like an outsider everytime i try... so anyone know where and when i can go to a new one? thanks so much.

[dominosarah]

I am really glad to hear she has strong and normal brain activity and to hear she will be going to the womens help clinic.  While your wife is still resting you need to get some sleep and something to eat.  We dont need you getting sick.  I know you want to be there but try and rest, maybe get some toast or a bowl of soup.  Thanks for keeping us posted.........sara

[nick30]

I'm so sorry that you are in such a horrendous situation. It's hard to know exactly what to say. I hope you know that everyone here on this site is very genuine with thier love, care and support.
I hope that when Kristen wakes you can let her know that everyone is still here waiting for her(and you) to offer any possible support and advice they can muster. I think the most important thing right now is just trying to get through this immeadiate crisis. Once she's through this there are many things that you two can work on together to make your lives more livable in the future. please keep in touch constantly so that you both can get the support you need throughout her whole recovery.
It is so awful that it got this bad. with kristen's anxiety being so bad i don't think that you should blame yourself at all. I'm sure that all the medical staff involved know what to do for her during her recovery. try to get as many helpful people involved so that there is always someone around who can help you.
I will check back with you later to see how you are both doing. please take care of both of you guys.

Nick.

[chanandalerbong1]

hey all. i just wanted to say i got a small bite to eat but still cant manage to close my eyes... i know this takes time but i cant take this... this is just more than i can stand not knowing and just waiting is terrible. :( my spirits are low and i just want my wife back. we have this wedding picture where we she looks so happy... a year later we kicked the drugs and she has been so different bad different since. i know that sounds terrible for me to say but thats how i feel. the opiates gave her the ability to live, but they were killing us all at the same time. these thoughts are really confusing me. i know the drugs are bad but if they genuinely help her then... i dont know. i sound crazy right?

[Anna82]

You aren't crazy at all!  Everything you are feeling is normal.  I take pills for the same reason..because they made me feel like living...gave me the motivation to lve...I thought.  But you are right when you say that they are killing you at the same time.  It is really hard for someone who has anxiety and depression to quit taking these what seems like at the time, "miracle pills". Pills may help for awhile but in the end they just cover up an underlying problem.  Has your wife tried intense therapy?  maybe she has something in her past that needs to be dealt with?  Having a friend die and a miscarrage (miscarriage) all in the same month must have put a major strain on her.  You being there for her is the most important thing right now...so take care of yourself.  When I was a nurse aide my residents used to tell me "You have to take care of yourself in order to take care of us".  It is great that she has someone like you to love her and stick by her through these difficult times!  Stay stong!!! Your in my prayers!- Anna

[shannonhoon]

I really feel for you, do take care of yourself, your body & mind need nourishment so you can stay strong.  I don't have a lot of advice but she should maybe try an older tricyclic antidepressant like amitrytilene (I know spelling is wrong).  It has a calming effect and also is used for pain management as it induces better sleep.  I'll pray for you and I really feel for your wife what she deals with is really, really hard......all the best to you

[Shelwoy]

I am in college for addictions counseling, and I do not know your entire history, but how you could handle this depends on if the depression was first or the addiction. They go hand in hand.Unfortunately, sometimes it takes quite a few tries before you find a medication that helps depression and anxiety, The reason the oxy's worked well is because your wife's brain is most likely missing the natural opiates the body produces and taking the opiates kick that part of the brain in high gear, which is why she feels so good.Once the meds wear off, she goes back to having empty brain receptors that are craving that opiate fix the brain needs. I have learned allot about opiates and the brain because that is where I plan on specializing. In many cases, people are never the same mentally after years of drug abuse, and medication is needed on a long term basis to regain control of their lives.
  As far as the baby thing, I know how it feels- I miscarried last year, and I felt like a loser. After some time, I realized it was how I was being told it was not the right time to have a child. Once you are both stable, you may be able to adopt or be foster parents.There are many children who need love from someone they can rely on, but she has to be able to care for herself first, don't you agree?
  I hope she pulls out of this OK and gets the help she needs.I would not let her go back to that therapist, he is not helping her at all, he has probably made it worse.Keep us posted, and best wishes.

Either way, I know this is hard for you, and i suggest some serious counseling for both of you together and seperate.Have you both been in support groups since getting clean?

[ProdigalGirl]

Many hugs ur way!!!!  Please try and get some rest! You know the U of P is really the beat of the best round this area. We are fortunate to have great hospitals in driving distance. Promise me you will eat and keep pm me.




ProdigalGirl

[Allicat0117]

I just wanted to let u know I read your post this morning. I have prayed for you and your wife's recovery! Please keep  us updated on her condition...and also your condition. Ya'll are in my thought and prayers

All the best,
Alli

[dominosarah]

Just checking to see if there were any new updates...........sara

[chanandalerbong1]

i do apologize for the long gap in my updates... unfortunately not much has changed... just have to wait more i guess... i did a terrible thing this afternoon.... i went home to change and shower well because i was starting to smell. i still hadnt slept any and i threw up the food i ate earlier so i took one of my wifes xanax. i have never taken it before and i dont know why i did today... i feel incredibly guilty and although it helped me rest and i ate a full meal. i didnt get high or anything but nonetheless it really makes me feel so selfish and stupid.... im sorry...

[chanandalerbong1]

im sure now you all dont think im such a great husband anymore... stealing his hospitalized wifes meds.... god im so stupid...

[allaboutmary]

Do not beat yourself up over this. I probably would have done the same thing under these circumstances.  I'm so glad you got something to eat and some sleep. Please continue to update us.  Your both in my thoughts and prayers.

[kim715]

I too probably would have done the same thing given the situation.Do you have people in your life to lean on and help you out there with you? If so,please lean on them for help and support.You need to be able to eat and get some rest so you can keep up your strength.Thank you for keeping us posted.You and your wife both have been in my thoughts and prayers and will will continue to be.Take care.Sending strength and prayers your way.....Kim

[beatingthis]

Stop beating yourself up. I would have done that too. You are there for her but I agree with Kim, you need to eat, rest and take care of you.
You will need to be there for her when she wakes up.

Praying for her and you.

Terry

[nick30]

no one thinks any worse of you, not at all. we are only human too.
nick

[chanandalerbong1]

hey everyone. sorry i havent posted in a little bit... right when i needed people to talk to the most- my phone died and i had forgot to bring my charger with me....im absolutely wired today for some reason. at 4am i went for a 3 mile run. im a very athletic guy but my life keeps me from using these strengths... but right now  all i have is time... the run helped to make me hungry but im so wired i feel like i did meth or blew a line of coke.(i didnt lol). im shakey (shaky) and i admit a little paranoid... i know i need to rest but saying it and doing it are two different things...i hate hospitals. the only time i was ever staying in them was if i o.d. and the doctors would be such a-holes and shoot me up with too much natraxalone? or what ever its called and i would feel like i was dying. the only other reason i would ever be in the hospital was if someone close was dying.  so im not exactly comfortable... i dont have many people in my life to lean on right now... my mother was diagnosed with cancer over the summer and i take care of her..and she is the onlly one who still likes me even after the drugs.. my dad hates me and blames me for everything including my moms illness..its like yea im the devil and i can actually disease someone with ovarian cancer and cerosis of the liver... needless to say him and i dont speak. kristens dad passed away two years ago and her mom is like my dad blames kristen for everything well and me too. i havent even told her mom because her and i dont need that negativity. kristen does have an older sister who is flying in tonight from san diego so that will help. but YOU all have been my biggest help and you have no idea how much better i feel after reading your supportive kind words. thank you all so much...

- mason.

[boogieman]

hello. i was right where you are now a few years ago. except i was watching my dad die from drinking . 2 weeks in the icu and it was over. it sounds like you guys have a much better outlook, and this is an indication that she's still here for a reason. i was also in her position once myself so i can really relate to both of you. if you can find a meeting, you will probably feel better----these are the times when the rooms can be a lifesaver. i'll be keeping you guys in my prayers. take care, gm

[kim715]

Mason I'm so happy that her sister is flying in to help you both out.Please try and eat,even if it's just a little bit and get some rest.Even if you can't sleep,maybe just lay down and try and rest your body for a little while.How is Kristen today? Anything new? My heart goes out to you both.I can only imagine how hard this must be for you.Sending strength and love.Take care my friend and thank you so much for keeping us updated.You have both been a constant in my thoughts and prayers...Kim

[chanandalerbong1]

I HAVE REALLY GREAT NEWS! KRISTEN IS MOVING OUT OF ICU AND IS NOW BREATHING ON HER OWN! the doctor said this is a really good sign that when she wakes up she will  regain full mobilty and she has no signs of permanent brain damage. although she may have some nerve damage to her left arm because of the way i had found her her body weight was blocking of the brachial arterial blood flow. so essentially her arm "fell asleep". but that can be rehabbed. i think i am going to try and lay down when we get to her new room. just wanted to update you all. thank you all so much... i am still curious to know if any of you have experienced the reverse effect of what xanax should enduce and why it happens.(i.e. getting wirey/ shakey (shaky) instead of sleepy/ relaxed). thank you.

-mason.

[enough170]

i have been reading your posts, i am so happy hear she is moving out of icu, both you and kristen are in my thoughts and prayers, keep strong.

love emma xx

[nick30]

AWESOME NEWS. sorry i can't help you with the xanax question but it's great that she's improving and that you will now have someone there with you to help take care of both you and Kristen.
very happy for you, hope it gets better and better.

Nick

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

You are sounding good and this cant be anything but a positive sign.... hang in there - - and I also did have the zanax reaction that you describe - - - I am inclined to think that it is situational ....  a combo of nervous energy and stress ....  really pretty easy to understand considering the circumstances.............  glad to read your latest news!

[Korley]

I know how hard it is to go through the depression and anxiety, and I also know what it is like to go through miscarriages. I just had 2 in the last 6 months, and it is devastating. I would definitely talk to some of the grief counselors at the hospital, and get her on the right meds and someone to talk to. Also I don't know if she has a relationship w/ God, but prayer can be the best medicine, and I will keep you guys in my prayers!

[jillian6]

I just wanted to tell you what an awesome husband you are.  You obviously love your wife and are so supportive.  She needs that more than you know.  As a woman who also suffers from anxiety, I wish my husband was more understanding instead of being critical of something he can't understand.

I'm glad she's recovering and I will pray for her recovery, both physically and emotionally.  Take care of yourself too.

[LADYDI4185]

HELLO, I AM NEW TO THIS WEBSITE AND I AM SO SORRY TO READ YOUR POST ABOUT YOUR WIFE.  I TOO SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS BUT THANK G-D I HAVE FOUND AN ANTI DEPREESANT THAT WORKS.  I AM TRYING TO STOP TAKING PAIN PILLS FOR BACK PAIN AND SURGERY AND YOUR STORY GIVES ME THE STRENGTH TO REALLY TRY TO BEAT THIS.  MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.  LADYDI4185