need a laugh

Hey guys i'm kinda having a bad day (pain , cravings, depressed) i was just wondering if some of u guys could say something to pick me up.....i know thats stupid...but i just need a laugh.....sorry if i seem selfish....on the 12th i'll be at 30 days clean...im proud of myself and my husband but im not dealing witht his as good as he is...i think its because i was addicted for 4 yrs he was an addict for almost 2...do u guys agree?....or am i just a wuss?love u guys...hope everyone is ok.....god bless

[BlotOutTheSun]

a white guy a black guy and a pollok went to the desert and they could only take one thing the white guy took water in case he got thirsty the black guy took ckicken in case he got hungry and the pollok took a car door....so if he got hot he could roll down the window.

hope you found that funny have great day

[AlessandrasMom]

Why Men Have Better Friends

Women's Friends:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband called his
wife's ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was
talking about.

Men's Friends:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The wife called her husband's 10
best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
claimed that he was still there.

[angie269]

I was feeling the same.........then something spoke to me(the Holy Spirit) and said get over yourself angie!!  Then I started a gratitude list heres a few thing on it...........I woke up today........I got to eat today and cover up with a blaket or just turn up the heat.............I have a home I am BLESSED!!!  Then I came in and read you post and you have almost 30days............Hope you just gave me I am still tappering and feeling lost and now I have hope oxygirl I will be clean I will!  
Thank you!  Do you feel better now?

[allaboutmary]

Almost 30 days ! That is so great !  I have the same problem as you. My sister was addicted a couple of years less than me and she seemed to do better much quicker than I did.  You can't help but feel a little jelous. lol  When I talked to her each morning she would tell me how well she slept ( I wanted to smack her)lol  So if your just a wuss, than so am I.  So lets us wusses stick together !  Hang in there.    Mary

[janeneedsomehelp]

Ha-great one Psyche!!!

Super job, oxygirl487....I am so with you and I do NOT think your request is stupid...don't know if you've read my post, but I am suffering W/D from Norco that I've been taking at VERY high doses for 1+ year and I know how much I'm suffering...so NO you aren't a wuss!! This is SOOOOO hard....you finally get over the physical W/D and then you have to deal with the mental. I'm finding this way harder that quitting smoking & alcohol. Another BIG help is posting here....so if a joke is what you need at this minute than that is what you need!

Per your request:
This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes: "As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk and/or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free".  Here's an update for you. Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.....

And here's another-----------------------------------------------------------
"Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations."
"Oh, no. It WAS rocket science.",
For any man: “If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him is he still wrong?”
For any man: “They say I have A.D.D but they just don't understand. Oh look! A chicken!”
“Some days it's not even worth chewing through the restraints”
“National Sarcasm Society-like we need your support,”
“You can’t scare me. I have a 2 year old”
I have multiple personalities and none of them like you
The difference between genius and stupidity it that genius has it’s limits.
No one knows the trouble I’ve been.
It matters not whether you win or lose, it matters whether I win or lose.
Jesus loves you, but I'm his favorite
My wife says I don’t listen. At least I think that’s what she said.
I’m lost, but I’m making good time.
Shut up voices or I’ll poke you with the Q-tip again.
I’m not anti-social. I’m just not real friendly.
I’m confused. Wait….maybe I’m not.
Hear it let’s for dyslexia.
You’re not the boss of me. My cat is. (or wife ;)
Don’t take life so seriously. It isn’t permanent.

Okay-I'll post two more---saving the funnier ones for last :)

[allaboutmary]

Love that joke. It is so true.

[janeneedsomehelp]

Final two jokes:
And here's another-----------------------------------------------------------
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a dump at the office.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the  bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing  a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden  wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun  pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this  should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left  the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught in the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment  if  someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that  the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office  for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can  least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite  sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.
**** BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and  tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the **** Burglar leaves. This way you  will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom  that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,  or alert potential **** Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction  with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential **** Burglars  that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the  pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes  in  the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough  with an astaire.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An  Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.

And finally------------------------------------------------------------------
The Chatty Wife  
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked  you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not  looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the  ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes  out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're  not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver  says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt  on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" She answers, "Only When He's Been Drinking,"

[AlessandrasMom]

OMG - I have never heard that one before - why buy the entire pig for a little sausage?  I'm just dieing over that one!!!!!!  I look forward to the rest!
oxygirl487, you are doing soooooo great - almost 30 days!  What an accomplishment!!!

[road2recovery]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife

"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it

Would take a few inches off of your butt!!"  His wife was not amused,

And decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.



The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

"What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud

Appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom,

"Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"



She replied with a snicker...



"It's not talcum powder......



It's 'Miracle Grow'."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[oxygirl487]

roflmao   omg!!!!   so funny......thanks...keep em comming......little sausage  lmao

[allaboutmary]

Great jokes.  I know Lotsatrout will be loving the potty ones.

[oxygirl487]

laughter really does release the feel good endorphins.....thanks guys....i feel much better.....god bless

[road2recovery]

glad you feel better---i also enjoyed every one of them and was laughing hard, so it also helped me...My dog is looking at me like i am crazy...
keep up the good work
r2r

[oxygirl487]

lol  thank you...i do feel alot better....how r u doing btw?......hope all is well....god bless

[road2recovery]

i am doing good, thanks for asking....congrats on almost 30 days...It will get better everyday , just keep posting when you are feeling down...
wishing you the BEST!!!

[Savas]

When asked why the wife told her husband she haded named his penis "George" the wife sardonically replied;

"I thought he shouldn't have a total stranger running his life."

[uvlvrebel]

A 7-year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.  “You know what?” says the 7-year old, “I think it’s about time we start swearing.”  The 4-year old nods his head in approval.

“When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say ‘hell’ and you say ‘ass’, OK?”  The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7-year old what he wants for breakfast.  “Aw hell, mom, I guess I’ll just have some Cheerios.” WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

The mother looked at the 4-year old and asked with a stern voice, “and what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”  

“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your *** it won’t be cheerios

[uvlvrebel]

David received a parrot for his birthday.  The parrot was fully grown and came with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary.  Every other word was an expletive.  Those that weren’t  expletives were, to say the least, rude.  David tried hard to change the parrot’s attitude and was constantly using polite language, playing soft music- anything he could think of to set a good example.  Nothing worked.  When he yelled at the bird, it just got worse.  When he shook the bird, it only became angrier and ruder.

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.  For a few moments, he heard the bird squawking and kicking and carrying on and then, suddenly it was quiet.  David frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door.  To his astonishment, the parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said, “I’m terribly sorry that I might have offended you with my atrocious language and horrible attitude and I beg your forgiveness.  I will make a sincere effort to correct my behavior.”

David was completely bemused by the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused it when the parrot continued, “by the way, what did the chicken do?”

[oxygirl487]

ok my side is hurting....i just wanna say thank u all.....when a girl needs a laugh u guys really come thru  lol.....love u all ....... god bless....poor chicken

[GoingToMakeIt]

One blonde on one side of the river asks the blonde on the other side. How did you get to the other side? The other blonde stopped to think and then side, I AM on the other side.  lol
btw NOT stupid.

[BlotOutTheSun]

2 blondes are walking the woods when one says to the other look deer tacks and then the other says no those are rabitt tracks.....suddenly they were hit by a train

[uvlvrebel]

BLONDE BIRTH CONTROL:

A week after their marriage, the newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor.  “I can’t figure it out Doc, my testicles are turning blue.”  The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition.  The doctor asked the wife, “Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed?”  “Yes.” she replied.  “And what kind of jelly are you using?” the doctor then asked.  “Grape!” she answered.

[oxygirl487]

i was laughing my *** off then i realized.......i'm a blonde.....lol

[uvlvrebel]

The spoon:

Took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus.  It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing.  Until our busboy came with water and tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket.  I looked around the room, and all the waiters and busboys had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, “Why the spoons?”  “Well, “ he explained, “Our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting Efficiency Experts to review all of our procedures, and after months of statistical analysis, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil, at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation.   By preparing our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut or trips to the kitchen down and same time.  After time… nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift.”  Just as he concluded, a “cha-ching” came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced the fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.  I’ll grab another spoon the next time I’m in the kitchen instead of making a special trip,” he proudly explained.  I was impressed.  “Thanks, I had to ask.”  “No problem,” he answered.  Then he continued to take our orders.  As the member of our dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu.  That’s when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin black thread protruding from our waiter’s fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and bus boys with strings hanging out of their trousers.  My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask.  “Excuse me, but… uh… why, or what… about that string?”

“Oh, yeah,” he began, in a quieter tone, “not many people are that observant.  That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men’s room, too.”

“How’s that?” I asked.  

“You see, by tying a string to the end of our, uh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash pour hands, cutting time spent in the washroom by over 93%!”

“Hey, wait a minute.  If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”

[MICHAEL_777]

Hello there darlin'.  Looks like you got your laugh and I hope you're feeling better.  I wish I could have chimed in earlier, but I've been as busy as a one legged cat trying to bury a t.urd in a puddle.  I just can't seem to catch up.  I miss everyone here and hope all is well with everyone.  Love and Strength!

[oxygirl487]

good to hear from u....glad your ok.....ur so funny...lol...

[uvlvrebel]

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[uvlvrebel]

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company  

  An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.


Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

--------------------------------------------------->

Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place. When they arrvied at her house, they went right for the bedroom. Randy noticed hunders of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on the top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her book case. After they had sex, Randy asked, "So.. how was it?"
"Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
-------------------------------------------------->

[GoingToMakeIt]

Too funny.
A priest a Rabi and a pastor went out fishing in a boat together. The priest said "I sure am thirsty, think I'll go get a drink" so he stood up, walked across the water and came back with a coke. Then the pastor said "I'm thirsty too" so he too stood up, walked across the water and came back with a coke. The Rabi thinking to himself, I have just as much faith as these two says "I'm thirsty too" so he stood up stepped on the water and SANK. The pastor turned to the priest and said "Do you think we should've told him about the rocks"

[kimmiek]

Your histerical!!!!!  I am laughing my a$$ off!!!   Thanks!!!