need some advise please read..

My husband has been using Oxycotin for 2 yrs off and on. the last year he has been using it heavily. 3-4 pills a day. So bad i have kicked him out, told his parents and my parents. He says he can wean himself. (he has tried many times and failed). is it possible for him to do this with out any professional help?  I dont think it is, so any advise would be great. Also, i dont want him living here while he is detoxing i feel if he is serious he can show us he wants to get better and work hard to prove it to us and what not. His mother says im being selfish and not supporting him.. Let me tell you we have been together for 10 yrs and its has gone from weed, to cocaine to gambling to alcohol to weed to oxy. Im so confused part of me wants to believe him that he can do it and the other part doesnt believe a word he  says. we have three boys and its not fair that they have to go through this. am i wrong for wanting him to get better on his own and then work towards a better relationship with me. How would i tell him this with out hurting him and making him do more oxy? Please help me any advise is great and i really need it.


Thank you so much

[avisg]

Cry,
He is an addict he is going to need intensive therapy he cant do this on his own .can he go into rehab is there any way ? Also for you ,you have to take care of yourself and your kids.There are meetings called alnon meetings for loved ones of addicts. I would look into meetings .I would stand your ground addicts will say anything he needs to show you by actions that he is ready to get clean until then I would have him stay out of your home .Hang in there .

[stilltrying1965]

Yes i would say he could do it without any profesinal help. But i think all the outside help you can get the better for you and him. He needs to want it more than anything .Wishing you all the very best ,,,,James

[dominosarah]

He can get off the meds without professional help but to stay off the pills he will need some outside support.......sara

[cryden]

Do i stay with him even? do i leave him? Im so confused do i go on with my life? My parents say move on, his parents say stay support him were husband and wife leaving him will just give him more reason to leave.. Im sorry to be a pain im just so so so confused.

[IBKleen]

No one can make the decision for you whether to stay or not. That is your personal choice but if you stay, be prepared.

He needs professional help. It is not just the pills, he is a full blown addict and unless he gets professional help, he will use again. He needs to find out what is driving him to gamble, drive and drug. What is he covering up? With addicts it is often emotions we don't know how to feel or some childhood trauma. When he comes to terms with it (through professional help), he can learn to deal with it when those feelings resurface.

I hope he gets the help he needs. In the meantime, you can join an Al-Anon group or Nar-Anon group and your area for your own support and listen to people who are going through, or have been through, exactly what you are going through now.

Keep posting and let us know you are both okay.

[cryden]

thank you so much everyone for all your advice i feel so alone in this. i really appreciate your advice it means alot so thank you very much.

[refusingbondage]

Tough call.  In once sense you CANNOT enable his behavior.  He needs accountability.  In another sense I know you want to support him.  Its not easy to love an addict.  If he is ready then he will get clean with or without you.  If not, he will continue to use with or without you.  Unfortunately no matter how much he loves you and you him, that wont get him clean.  You should not feel bad about any decision you make.  His addiction should not become your problem.  And that's just what has happened here.  Sounds harsh but its true.  His addiction has made your life unmanageable.  That being said, if he is really ready to get clean then he can use all the support he can get.  A very tough place for you to be in.  You can definitely use some help here -- Al-anon or Narc-anon meetings would be very beneficial to you.    I just want to add that this doesnt make him an evil or bad person.  He is a sick person.  He is not unworthy of love but he needs to be held accountable for his actions..  His addiction has taken over and he cannot control it on his own.  He needs help.  Rehab/counseling/NA/AA meetings.   Best of luck.

[cryden]

so please tell me if this is denial.....

Just got off the phone with dh. he said that he is going to do the impossible and that is quit oxy with out treatment with out counceling. he also thinks that in two weeks i should forget all. Im so mad i told him i need to get over all this and its going to take more than two weeks and just you quitting isnt getting to the bottom of your problem of why you use. He said he is going to do it. Please he quits one thing and starts another and im not putting my kids or myself through any more disappointment. its not fair. Is he in denial or what.. Ahh im so mad.

[IBKleen]

Yes, he is in denial. My heart breaks for you, it is hard to love an addict, I know. But he is lying to himself. He thinks he wants it right now, and he may, but he does not know how to get it and if he does not seek professional help, the cycle will continue.

Ask him one question: How is this time different? I would be curious to hear his answer.

Please take care of you and your family.

[LeaAnn807]

Honey, you may need to talk to someone as well, and you should definitely go to an alanon meeting.  There will be a lot of support there for you.  You have 3 children to care for, so you have to take care of yourself and them, ok?  That is most important right now.  Maybe your husband could go to an NA meeting?  Might help to get himself some support and advice other than family.  They are usually too close to advise anyway.....

Keep posting, but check out an alanon meeting!

TH

[Dav125]

He's in store for one heck of a ride with withdrawals. I doubt he knows whats in store..I didn't. And I was careful, not reckless or using for "just a buzz". This is a very hard call. By telling him to get out can go one of two ways. He truly wakes up, realizes he has a problem he need help and support with, or, he could use that as an excuse to use more turning into a closet addict..Meaning the addict thinking comes to play. The self deceit for continued use. As addicts use victimization (labeling) as an excuse to say " everybody is beating on me saying I use to much?" (while using with a friend and asking them if they think he uses too much) Just one of many examples of bad thinking ..Like smoke a joint to think about it..

Sounds like he's playing right to the edge and thinks he can just walk away. I don't think so..If he's serious, he needs to show it..A counselor certainly would not hurt. A substance abuse program would be better, but if anything, him agreeing to make an appointment with a counselor would prove that he really does understand he has a problem and wants to fix it. If he shrugs it off, then I tend to believe he still thinks he can have both worlds which is a direct indicator of a problem most can't find their way out off..That's rare... If I remember correctly from my past, some of the behaviors and words your describing would fit me to a "T". I eventually was convinced by those around me I needed help and sought it..After 2 weeks in a program, I KNEW it was the only way I could have gotten my life back. Its not just abstaining that fixes situations such as this,,its the education and support that comes with it. The tools which keep it from happening again.

Take care.

[LIZZIE LOU]

" Let me tell you we have been together for 10 yrs and its has gone from weed, to cocaine to gambling to alcohol to weed to oxy."

" Please he quits one thing and starts another and im not putting my kids or myself through any more disappointment. its not fair."

10 YEARS is long enough for you to live HIS addiction.  others may not agree with me...but i say reclaim YOUR life and move on.

[Dav125]

I'd agree with you Lizzie if there were no kids involved. That makes this real difficult. I dealt with the same and eventually I did have to let go. And that was after a ten year battle with her coke use.

She disappeared, and I have been raising 4 for 11 years. I still wonder whether I made the right decision or not, or could have done more, or should have done more.. Because their mother landed up taking her own life  ..Hard call here.

[LIZZIE LOU]

my kids would be the number one reason i WOULD leave.

[Dav125]

And I thought I was a hardcore conservative? Must have missed something :):)..

[cryden]

i agree with all of you. i feel stuck. my husband says that he wants to get better for us and he is going to. how ever i dont believe him and why should i when i have heard this before. he doesnt think im being fair in saying if he gets clean thats great but he has to give me time to get over all the crap that happened and put my wall down which in reality who knows if it can ever happen, he says cant u just be happy. truth is right now im happier with out him, with out all the stress he brings here with out all the addiction in my life. Im happy with just my boys. ah i hate this i hate being put in this spot. What the heck does someone do? Do addicts ever get better, does the relationship they were in while on drugs ever recover? Will i ever get over the pain and resentment and anger i have towards him?

[LeaAnn807]

You just wrote, "truth is right now im happier with out him."  That says a lot.  I think you have answered your own question.  Yes, addicts do get better, but relationships don't always recover.  Sometimes it is just too late.  You are the only one who knows that.  

Did you think about getting some support for yourself?  I do think it would help you!

[PoochieRachetToe]

Tell him he is getting off easy sobering up away from home. That is in comparrison to you living and dealing with so many addictions. I would also say that damage has been done. I believe this since you are claiming to be more happy without him. I feel at this point with your resentment, everyone in the house will be miserable.
It can be done, he can get better. I just see that it has been a looong time coming. Bail-out and tell him the best you can do at this point is let him continue having a relationship with your kids. Only if he does get better. Court for these matters can be exhausting as well.

This is my opinion, keep in mind that my wife says I'm an a$$hole sometimes.

[Dav125]

Run with your intuition on this. The only way your trust could be conceivably be restored would be if he sought and stuck with a program..And thats not a guarantee..If your happier now with the stress off making it easier for you to keep up with the kids, then do so and tell him to go find some help..Once your convinced he's really working the program, then maybe look at the longterm picture...Knowing more now than I did earlier, that is my opinion looking in from out here...

[cryden]

so my husband still thinks he can do this alone, his mother is enabling him and she also said its healthier for kids to be in a dual parent home rather than a single parent home even if one is an addict. LIKE IS SHE FOR REAL... he still thinks i should let him move back home. BUT hey he has only fooled his mommy not me.. So what he called aadac what the heck does that prove. Please.... Anyways i really needed to vent thanks for listening...

[AlexNixon]

Honestly love, there is very little chance. Oxycontin has a very long half-life, making it so that you feel a lot worse, for a lot longer. It`s so incredible hard to wane yourself off of oxycontin. I`ve tried numerous times, and haven`t succeeded. I don`t get a high from oxys, and i never have. its strictly for pain. but the withdrawal is the killer. i went cold turkey from 200mg a day and couldnt even make it 24 hours. i was in agony. i would suggest getting treatment. theres a methadone tapering program that`s designed for oxycontin patients in particular. i know, when you hear methadone, you probably think that it would be even worse than oxy. technically yes. methadone withdrawal is worse than any other drug out there. what they do, is they start you on a methadone dose that is formulated to match the dose of oxycontin. the oxycontin is stopped cold turkey, but the methadone works as a synthetic opiate, and does everything oxy does just without the high. every day they will reduce the amount of methadone, depending on the dose. it prevents the acute first stage of the withdrawal, which is the hardest. once you get over that hump, it`s easy. they slowly taper you off the methadone until the final day, you walk out clean. no addiction to oxy, or methadone. i used oxycontin for 2 years, and was on 200-300mg a day. i went into treatment and did the methadone tapering treatment. it took 8 days once i started the methadone, and i walked out clean. depending on the tolerance, and how they react, it`s different for every person. it takes 7-10 days, with varying comfort levels. some people get sick, cant sleep, get the shakes, all the normal symptoms. it`s not unbearable though. some people experience very mild, or even no symptoms at all, depending on the methadone dosage. getting off oxycontin by yourself, cold turkey, is next to impossible, unless you have a mindset and the self discipline and willpower to not relapse. unfortunately, your husband doesn`t sound like that kind of person. so i strongly do suggest methadone tapering. it saved my life, and it will save his life too.

[AlexNixon]

Also, once he has detoxed and completed the methadone taper, i would also suggest that he go into a rehabilitation program for 30-90 days, just to make sure that the habits are kicked and he doesn`t fall back into the stranglehold of drugs, and ruin his life again.

[cryden]

since when did this become my fault? he is putting all the blame on me saying "u dont love me anymore, you dont love me enough. what did i do, why cant you just respect me more..." why should i be nice and fake, im hurt, pissed off, angry, and so on.... he did this to himself, the fact that he doesnt get help pisses me off even more. But he made a call to aadac and that was enough.. since when.... Im going to counselling have my kids in it, im going to al anon... (which he says im going to to meet other dudes haha please) anyways i have to vent. im so sick of his whining i have three kids not 4 when is he going to accept responsibility.. (oh ps he says he wants to get better for us.... how about he gets better for himself.

Do i not have a right to be mad, resentful, and upset with him?

[avisg]

This is not you fault .YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE MAD AND UPSET.This has destroyed your whole family .Having a dual parent family is not always the best you family has become dysfunction that never healthy for children they need stability you can give that to them.
I have told you this before you have to take care of yourself and your kids first .He needs to clean up his out act .It appears that anything he is doing is to get back, into the house not because he realizes that this has destroyed his family.The fact that he is putting all of the blame om you shows he is not ready. If he were he would be taking responabilty for his own actions .

[cryden]

Oh i am so mad.. im so tired of feeling like the bad guy.. Is it my fault all my feelings are full of anger and resentment? Really is it.. he comes here unannounced sleeps on the couch, calls me names fights with me, yells at me and then has the nerve to ask if he can stay in the basement. I dont want him to when he is around my temperature rises and i am full of anger and take it out on the kids its not their fault im mad at their dad..

He hasnt quit he has bought pills (wasted a whole check on them) to sell he has done them in our house with the kids at home, he hasnt done anything to make himself better except say i can do the impossible. Im so mad and tired of his ******** games he may have his mom fooled but not me..

If its his house (i am on the title) am i wrong to ask him to not live here especially if he works to pay the bills. (which he has failed to do for the last 3 months he does pay the mortgage though.) i stay home with the kids and run a day home and do what i can..

What the heck do i do and where do i start? i dont want to live this life any more..

really what am i afriad of and why do i feel bad? i didnt do this to me he did this to all of us..

Sorry to ramble.

[cryden]

Well im back i havent wrote in a long time. Im still seperated from my husband and things havent gotten better. He is so depressed and still hasnt quit. He still thinks he can do this on his own and refuses to get help. I am so mad at him its still oh give me a week and if im not clean i will go to detox and not rehab. He thinks he can do this on his own he thinks once he quits all will be merry and he wont have anything to deal with. He must be in denial because every time he has quit he has replaced it with something else. I dont know i am sick of waiting here, why am i waiting here. if he wants to get better he will right but right now i dont think he will quit and get better. he is going on it took him 5 days to get off it before. But really if you look at it he never quit. Anyways ADVICE Please im so confused. I dont want to live like this any more and i feel like i am abandoning him. Shouldnt i just focus on my kids and i.