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need some encouragement

Hi Everyone,

I have been lurking on this site for many months- I like to read success stories from everyone!  Tomorrow (10/13) at around 8 pm EST or so I will have 1 week clean.  A little background on me- my senior year of college I had a not so good boyfriend and the summer before we started snorting oxys (started as splitting an 80 between 4 or so people and got worse from there).  By the end of the summer my boyfriend had turned me on to heroin, as it was cheaper and easier to find.  We used every few days or so and I never though it was a problem (never do) until it was time to go back to college.  I didn't really suffer any withdrawal symptoms, just couldn't sleep for 3 days- it wasnt that bad.  I went back to school and didn't touch the stuff until around Christmas break when I stayed at school with my boyfriend for a month instead of going home.  He had found a source and it started recreationally again but soon progressed.  For a month straight we were using and I was spending all my money- cash advances on credit cards, Xmas money etc. When break was over,I knew I couldn't go on like that so we locked ourselves in our house and waited it out for about 5 days.  I thought NEVER AGAIN, until around graduation when I slowly got pulled back in by my boyfriend.  Was using that summer, taking the trip to see him almost every 2 days (when withdrawal started) BY this point he was homeless and still living in the town where we went to school (parents pretty much found out last semester and he was disowned- I know I sound like a loser, but it is what it is.  I was living home and finally had enough.  I left my boyfriend and detoxed for what I thought was the last time.  I wasn't workking so it was never really a problem to not do anything for a week.

Fast forward to April or so of this year, when I found out my dad had his own pill abuse problem (oxys and roxys).  I would take 1 or 2 20 mg pill every week or so, until his habit progressed and so did mine.  Eventually I started taking 4 or more pills at a time, it was a mess.  I rationalized I wasn't an addict if I could go more than 3 days without using and had no withdrawal, but the 3 days started turning into "well if I only use for 3 days in a row and stop I wont go through withdrawal".  We all know this is a lie and it slowly crept up on.  I realized I was  using almost every day and it was easy- my dad left them out when he got careless with his habit.

Here we are today. I had a UTI 2 weeks ago and have been pretty sick from it.  Last Tuesday, I did my last oxy and said this is it- I will not living on pills.  I am moving in with my bf soon (new guy- AWESOME clean cut guy, knows about my past and understands but doesn't know about my recent relapse) and didn't want to continue.  So I stopped Tuesday and didnt realize how bad I had gotten.  I was sick ALL week (still am- missed work from Tuesday til Present, but I am under "doctors care" for my UTI.  Last Wed I had an appt with him and my kidneys were still hurting so he prescribed, yes 80 perk 10s.  I knew it was trouble, but filed it anyways.  I decided I didn't want to F*ck uo and gave them to my bf and said don't give these to me and he hid them.  I didn't take any- I am so proud.  I feel horrible because he thinks I had the "flu" pretty much all week and took care of my while I bit*hed and moaned about being sick, all while never knowing why I was really sick.  Today is the first day I have felt remotely better and things are looking up. I am still not sleeping and when the doc called back today and I told him, his answer was to take 2 perks at bedtime.  I know I cant do that, I am trying to stay strong.  I also have 2 15 mg roxys in my room just tempting me, but my willpower is winning- I don't even know why I still have them here, maybe security?

One of the only things getting me through is reading this forum every day, all day (on my phone).  I never thought I would post and tell my story, but you all have inspired me- Lee, BikerDad, Norco, Domino,Avis- just to name a few- you have helped me more than you will ever know, and I am grateful.  I am off from work still today, although like I said, feeling better, and the boredom has finally set in.  Im taking it 1 day at a time, and trying to make it to 8 tonight so I will have 6 FULL clean days, its hard to imagine but it does get easier every day.  I have been here before, and I do not want to go back.  SO much of me is trying to tell myself to just do 1 15 mg oxy and I will be able to sleep and will be fine bc I am pretty much done with physical withdrawals, but I cant afford to miss more work or do this again.

I am trying to be strong, and I think its working.  If I can make it to 8 tonight, then I will be starting my "7th day" and tomorrow I will have a week. Thanks for reading this, not sure how it got so long, but it just feels good to get it out.  Please send any encouragement you have or any words of wisdom, I think I need it.  And to answer this now- I am not getting any aftercare.  Once I mve out of my house I have no way of getting anymore, and believe I can stay clean, I know this is prolly hopeful thinking, but its all I have right now.  

Thank you for reading and sorry if this is drawn out and repetitive-- xoxo Last Time
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Avatar universal
HEY GUYS IM NEW TO THIS SITE..WOKE UP THIS MORNING THINKING ABOUT HOW LIFE SUX TO BE DEPENDENT ON PILLS AND TO SEE ALMOST ALL MY FRIENDS AND EVEN FAMILY IN THE SAME SITUATION.ITS SO CRAZY HOW PILLS ARE TAKING OVER EVERYONE HUH. DIDNT REALLY PLAN TO FIND THIS SITE WAS ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR A CLINIC TO GET HELP BUT STUMBLED ON HERE..GOT SUM SUBOXONE FORM A FRIEND YESTERDAY SO WISH ME LUCK !!!
Helpful - 0
1051392 tn?1255469391
Wow you have been though alot lot in your shory life thanks for shareing your story!! Now haveing said that GET RID OF THE ROXYS RIGHT NOW!!! You know in a few days when your feeling better but are dragging *** your addication will tell you 'IT WONT HURT TO JUST TAKE ONE SO I CAN GET THIS OR THIS DONE"  You have come so far dont leave them around to temp you!! You mind will start justifing why it would be ok to take them. you should also have your br throw the percs away too. it sounds like your starting to get your self together again and thats great hun your atory is inspireing!!! You dont need any pills around to mess with the rest of your life. your almost threw the worst you can do this!!!                  keep us postedon you recovery good luck
Helpful - 0
662972 tn?1270166301
Good luck to you and you can do it stay strong and if i were you i would get rid of that 15mg oc sitting in you bedroom that would be to temt. for me and i don;t me do it to get rid of it flush it or something....Keep posting and if you ever need talk feel free message me I to use to be on oc and they are pure hell kick.. God Bless....
Helpful - 0
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