never felt this low in my life

I don't even know where to start.  I had been sober for almost 4 years and had some surgery done recently and I totally relapsed!  I am so ashamed of myself.  My DOC was oxy's, but I have relapsed on Lortab and Lorcet.  I have been going to AA for about 5 years now, and of course like happens to everyone, I quit going as much, and when I had this surgery I was not in the right spot to be taking pain medicine.  I have had to take pain medicine before while in recovery, although it has always been hard I have come through it.  I would always talk about it in meetings and share my concerns.  I have truely become as sick as my secrets, and I don't know how to tell anyone because I am so ashamed.  I am physically and metally so sick right now.  I have taken about 40 lortab in about 15 hours, just trying to get a good buzz, to no avail, and I have resereved, I think 3 and 1/2 to help wean myself off.  I have been using again on and off for about a month and a half.  I know I am physically addicted again, and of course metally too, but I am done.  The guilt and shame are to much for me.  I just can't friggin believe I did this.  I had it all, and threw it away.  I am so pissed off at myself right now I don't even know what to do.  I can't even imagine going into a meeting and picked up a 24 hour chip after almost 4 years.  I just had to vent cause I feel so alone, and that is not a good place to be.  I really don't know what else to say, I am just knee deep is guilt and shame!

[MICHAEL_777]

Pull yourself out of the gutter and throw the rest of the pills away.  This will start your recovery immediately and prove your ability to overcome.  Throwing the pills away will lift your spirits, because you know you are stronger than any addiction and are proving it.  Stuff happens along the way and we learn from it.  It's not ok to relapse, but atleast you've caught it and you're here.  In my book this is an excellent start.  Now take the pills to the toilet and flush 'em.  Ready, Set, GO...

[Zurich42]

Stop.  Stop beating yourself up.  Instead, put yourself on a plan and work the plan to get off the drugs.  You can sit there all you want with the cloud of 'could of, would of, should of's' and twirl yourself into a tizzy - or you can do something about it.  You've done a good thing by coming here and 1) admitting the problem, 2) reaching out for support, and 3) demonstrated courage by telling your story (not just the problem).  All those things are the 'first' things we think of when we WANT TO GET OFF this ****.  I, personally, had a 10-12 Vicodin tablet addiction/day habit - and have now successfully tapered to 2 tablets (today and tomorrow) and then 1.5 tablets Friday and so on.  I put myself on a plan - and it sucked - but I got through it.  But like you, I admitted the problem, sought support (from this forum especially and my boyfriend who tolls out my tablets) and third told 'my story'.  If anything - I have learned 'why' I got here and am taking action now so that I don't get to the same place again (although I have a chronic illness which is painful - I was taking the pills for 'comfort' not pain-relief and caught an addiction to them to help get through the tough times at work, etc., - long story).  I've also gleemed knowledge and expertise from the folks on this forum chat and the 'addiction community' chat and will seek counseling as soon as my insurance kicks in Monday.  I'll need support then - just like now - and know that this isn't going to 'go away' simply by getting off the drugs.  Make sense?  I know it's hard - I'm not saying it isn't - but you've taken the first step towards a journey of recovery and I can't tell you how hard that is - but I can tell you that it takes courage.  Channel the negative thoughts into a plan - and then start working the plan (perhaps with your doctor).  

[marcatj]

hi... i know many people who had a number of years under their belt, only to relapse and have to start over again.

you are not alone... many have been in your shoes...

and you have quit substance abuse before, and you can do it again.  go easy on yourself, and simply pick yourself back up.

it really is your only option.

good luck, my friend... you can do it,
mj

[Shattered]

You can't change what happened so stop beating yourself up and get back in the game. you can do it! you have obviously done it before. this is just another challenge.  

[MICHAEL_777]

Has there been a flush yet?  3 1/2 pills aren't going to work for a taper, so get rid of them!

[ashamed03]

Thank you so much for your comments.  I guess this just really sucks because this is my 2 relapse, after all the mental pain I went through after the 1st one I swore I would never let or make myself feel that way again, and I'll be damned if I didn't do it again.  I just let my gaurd down, and you would think after being in AA all these years and seeing people go back out and come back in, I would have known better!

[Zurich42]

Change is painful.  The devil we know is better than the one we don't, right?  In other words - you've been through this and know what to expect.  Take this opportunity to say, 'I screwed up - but am getting back to where I once was and move on to success'.  For me, I had to both my doctor AND pharmacy to say, 'no more - don't prescribe it and don't fill it - I'm tapering off'.  The very last thing I need to do is go and get my anti-inflammatory and my pharmacy accidentally 'gives' me a refill of Vicodin (it's happened before).  Don't get me wrong - "I" chose to take the pills and am taking responsibility for it - it's not the pharmacy's fault.  Anyway, THIS action with informing my doctor and pharmacy is setting up a road block and that's what "I" may need next week or the week after.  Can you talk to your doctor about a tapering plan?

[marcatj]

well guess what, we're human.  the best laid plans...

don't get me wrong - i totally get it. all i'm saying is you are human, we blow it sometimes, we are more strong at certain times than others, yada yada.

it's simply the truth.

all you can do it your best.. you blew it, ok, so you did.  welcome to the human race.  so now let it go and move forward...

know what i'm sayin'?

[ashamed03]

Thank you, and yes I do know what you saying, lol!  Thanks for your comments, I knew if I could just purge some of these secrets it would make me feel better, and I was right, it has!

[MICHAEL_777]

So is your toilet stoned yet?...

[marcatj]

I am really really glad to hear that...  :-)

[ashamed03]

No my toilet is not stoned yet, lol!  I plan on taking 1 and 1/2 through out the day tomorrow, depending on how I feel, maybe just 1 if I feel ok.  And then try a 1/2 the next day.  Just going to see how I feel and go by that.  

[MICHAEL_777]

Good luck to you!  You won't need it though.  I know you'll do just fine.  This is just a flat tire on your road to recovery.  Be thankful it wasn't wreck!  Love and Strength to you friend and I'll be looking for an update from you tomorrow!

[ashamed03]

Thank you for your words of encouragement, hopefully I can someday repay you!  You are so right, it is just a flat tire right now, but if I don't stop it will become a fatal wreck.  Very well said!  Do you go to AA or NA?  I am going to up my meetings I attend drastically.  I do not know what to say, I really don't want them to know, mainly becuase I also have some family that also attends all the same meetings, and they are who I really don't want to know!

[CATUF]

If Recovery is only a measure of time during which we have been clean and sober, then yes: you threw it all away.

However, I don't think that's what Recovery is.  Recovery is a way of life, one that can seem difficult to learn.  You're really not back to square one - you already know how to ride this bike.  Now get off your a$$ and start riding.

It will require some humility to go back and get that Desire Chip.  But humility is as important a building block for Recovery as is honesty.  You're not going to die from the humiliation you fear in going back to the rooms.  In fact, it will be helpful to you and others, especially to those others who might be starting to think they've got this whole thing licked for good.  On the other hand, you may well die, or meet a worse fate, from staying in active addiction.

I once had 9 years of being clean and at least abstinent, if not sober.  Then I found hydro after suffering a blow-out fracture to an eye socket.  For some time I thought I had found the answer to life.  By the time I started to wonder if maybe it could be turning into a problem, I was far too far gone to fix it myself.  But trying to fix it myself was all I was willing to do, because I damn sure wasn't going to let my family, friends and co-workers find out that I wasn't actually the ambassador of sobriety they thought I was.  

Go and ask for help.  Last time I had to pick up a Desire Chip no one laughed at me, no one called me a F-up, no one did anything that was unkind in anyway.  The rooms are mostly filled with sick people who are trying to find and share Recovery - those people are just going to say “Welcome home, we’re glad you made it back.”

CATUF

[Silhouette62]

10 years here then relapsed on a different DOC. I'm no where near as disfunctional this time around and no one even knows I take pills....but I know and I get on that shame spiral a lot! But just tapering is bringing up my spirits. Hope it will for you too. Good luck!

[angie269]

hey I like what you have to say about being strong and sticking to the plan,  I have been trying to taper off for a couple of days now, went to the doc told him what I needed and got the pills to make it work.  You are right it is so hard when I feel the axiety and pain and depression all at once I cant take it and end up taking another pill.  This is why I feel like I need suboxone.  I cant work or take care of the kids right when I am feeling all of this pain from withdrawls.  How are you making it work?

[angie269]

I guess I wrote my commet to the wrong person!  I'm new to this and was not sure how it worked!  Anyway 6 more days until freedom!  I am so ready to be drug free.  This is pure and total torture!  I really hope this sub stuff works!  I don't want to have this pain pill control my every thought anymore!  I feel crazy!  Barley able to function until my next dose!!!!!  Can I get some words of wisdom over here:)

[MICHAEL_777]

Create a new post of your own.  This way our comments will be just for you and won't keep bringing this post up.

[likemike]

Angie269 - This is probably not what you want to hear BUT - be careful of suboxone. I went from 150 mcg. Fentanyl and 6 lorcet a day (I didn't stick to) to suboxone. It seemed like the perfect answer.....until I wanted off the suboxone. First, many insurances don't pay for it and it is nearly $10 per pill, I had to choose each month, meds or food. Anyway, when I decided to get off suboxone, I tapered exactly as the doctor suggested. It was 3 months of terrible pain and sickness. It has a very strong narcotic mix in it and depending on how much you take and how long you've been on it, it's every bit as bad as Methadone withdrawal. I slowly tapered from only 4 mgs. per day down to smashing them and eating just a granule the size of a grain of salt. It was still awful when I finally gave it up completely.  
On day 8, I f-d up and took a piece of methadone. I know, I know.  I'm on day 4 of no Methadone. Last night sleeping was awful (creepy crawlies - Neurontin, vitamin water with potassium and the B vitamins, advil and Clonidine help that though, herbal - Valerian Root helps promote restful sleep), but I don't know if I'm just on a plateau or if I'm near the end....hoping I'm near the end. Much closer now than I was 4 days ago, that's for sure! Ashamed03 - please stop beating yourself up. I've been to a whole lot of meetings and I've never, ever seen anyone at a table judge someone for their honesty and humility and you have plenty of that. That's a virtue you should be proud of. Also, you might try a meeting where there is no family - not a great idea to attend meetings with family - too hard to be honest. Are those pills gone yet? Just get rid of them, tapering at this point in the way you described is worse than CT, I mean it. Going from 40 in a day to 3 1/2 will only PROLONG your withdrawal. My motto (take it or leave it, but I learned from tapering off Suboxone) is you need all the strength you can muster to get through the next few days. Taking a 1/2 pill here and there really will put you back at day 1 each time you take something. Please don't keep starting your recovery over and over. Take a hot shower, put on some comfortable clothes and do this thing.  Prayers and thoughts go out to both of you.

[dove3053]

The fact the you were sober for 4 years speaks for itself. The fact that you relapsed says your only human. You go to the meetings for support and that's what you need now. As soon as you are in good enough physical condition go to a meeting. I know very few people if any that have not relapsed in my years of going to AA. I wouldn't dwell on it.

Dove

[ashamed03]

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom!  You will never know what an affect you have had on my life!  I know right now is a very low time for me, but if I hang on it will only get better!  I feel like admitting it to you all was the first step, but I still feel like I need to admit it to my peers in AA in person, which I dread like no other.  I have to say though there is still part of me that would just like to admit it to you all only and not everyone in AA.  If it were just the people in AA it would be one thing, but practically my whole family goes, which is normally good, but right now sucks, lol!  I know it is not good for a whole family to go to meetings together but we really had no other choice, as we live in a pretty small town.  Thank you all again for your kind words!

[MICHAEL_777]

Use this opportunity!  Believe me, all of us are scared to death about addiction.  Walk in there with your head held high and shoulders back.  Let them see that there are obstacles on our roads that cause flats, but don't have to result in an accident.  No reason to be ashamed.  In my book your should be proud as can be about coming here and letting it go.  You're a hero to me already and I'm sure the same will be true at your meeting.  Love and Strength to you!

[ashamed03]

You words have me in tears!  I certanly do not feel like any type of hero right now!  Thank so much!

[angie269]

I feel terrible today!  My doctor knocked my pills down to 5.5's to taper off havent done it took 5 1/2 pills today.  Dont really have the money for the other Sub..........Only have 2 refills left and cant get more already told dr. im an addict...My mom lost her job and she is 61years old and cant hld a job or pay her bills.  She is so needy and wants to always move in with me and kids.  I feel insane she drives me crazy with all of her problems she makes them my problems.......She knows im an addict to this crazy little white pill but is no help she makes me feel like popping and never stopping.  What can I do with her?  I cant let her move in to my tiny 2 bedroom I will kill myself.  Sorry to dump everything I just cant stop typing:)  If anyone prays out there please pray for me..........I need some relief.

[angie269]

Ok I have finally figured out how this works.........LOL sorry guys!