new here ready for a change

[scared2relapse320]

Hi i have been trolling for months and this site has helped me thru withdrawal off pills MANY times. I am a 36 yo married mom i have an amazing support system between my parents and hubby. I didnt start drugs untill i was in my late 20's but when i did i went full force in 2010 i admitted i needed help and went to my first detox for roxi, in the next 4 yrs i did it all detox many times, inpatient outpatient, jail and then prision. I Did 17 months on 20 andWas release april 2014. Now you would THINK i would come home a new person how could THAT not be rock bottom? Now im blessed hubby is 100 Drug free and very supportive of me. Now Obviously i failed i stayed drug free for a while almost 2 yrs and i really want that back! Now heres where i need help last week my job found out and so did my family that i was getting high ( shooting up dilaudid) and i lost my job and came clean well my owner of the company said i can have another chance in a month if i honestly get and stay clean....i want this so bad but it is so hard. My family is great but there is so much i dont want to tell them because i have lived in secret for like 3 months. I was doing so good i had a full time job, my family, i had God back in my life. i hhave trolled many nights and found so many people with amazing advise so I figured i would try i have tried alot the 12 steps,moving,ect and i KNOW the tools why is it so hard? My body feels like it is still withdrawing for 5 days. I guess i just need some help and support from those who understand and i can NOT go to a l8cal meeting due to the people i know so i turned here im hoping to turn things around cuz i wanna use but i dont want to lose everything my addict mind keeps trying to justify it and im trying very hard to fight this....i feel awful today idk why it feels like i am in full withdrawal so the urge to make that go away is strong...i have the whole day to chill with hubby by the pool or at the beach (hubby is home kids at school) and my plan is to go no where alone but can anyone give me ideas on how to feel better im all for vitamins

[gnarly_1]

Hi  well where glad you posted....I was strung out for 35yrs and on opiets for 15 of them  I to detoxed all the time but always went back the real key here is aftercare for me it takes 4 N/A meeting a week but the program works if your honest with yourself and work it  this is a diease with no known cure but it can be arrested and recovery is possible right now you need to try to put your recovery first stop trying to save face and save your a s s keep in mind what your doing can kill you and will if you keep it up please take the advise of all the posters including myself.................Gnarly

[msdelight]

Detox is hard. Recovery is work. But you know what? When it comes down to it, living sober is easier than living addicted.  Its freedom. And a hard life is better than the alternative, which is death. How do you think your husband's and kid's lives will be after you OD and die? Don't you want to see them grow and thrive? Don't you yourself want to feel happy and free? Look around you. You are blessed with a wonderful family. You have lost your job over this. Been to prison. What is next? Your family? Life? Please be strong. This is enough of a bottom for anyone.

[spider6]

Awww...yes it is hard girl....that's why so many of us have been through it soo many times. Hard being the mental .....that's why after care is so essential to success for sooo many. It just is what it is.  You have to finally resign to it ....like, for real.  Listen I know bout good intention .....been there man, 100 times at least. What I did different this time is.....I told everybody! Yup ...kept me accountable and if that's how I have to live for the rest of my life than so be it.  Cuz  the key word here is "live", I was not living before and I certainly couldn't continue to live if I kept it up.  

Feeling better....do you exercise? Music of course ....HUMOUR...my personal fav.  Dream...about allll the good and positive stuff you wanna do ......I know you pray ...are you back to that?  What about journaling?

You know you can do this chickie, right?

[scared2relapse320]

Hi guys i thought i was done withdrawing its been 5 days not using this time it was like 3 months daily use between 3 and as high as 6 8mg dilaudid. But i still feel awful it feels like a cycle. I want to stop at points i was trying i KNOW where this will lead me but i still go back now ive lost my job and i want my life back bit it is so hard

[msdelight]

Hi and welcome, Im glad you decided to post today instead of just lurking. Well, as you said, you know and have the tools. The thing is, you have to use them. And of course that means facing the meetings. Anyone you meet there you might know, will be there to regain there sobriety too. So no shame, no disclosure, they are in the same boat as you. This is a common excuse the addict brain uses to avoid meetings. Just go. That being said, if you don't cut your sources completely and forever, no amount of meetings will help. You cant be there 24/7 and eventually you are on your own at some point. If drugs are readily available to you, then the cravings turn to using. If you can't get anything, the craving passes. Where are you getting the dilaudid? The works? That needs to be sealed up before you can progress.

[spider6]

Sorry....I was trying to say...is it true that your main concern is appearances with fam/friends?

[spider6]

Hi girl, welcome. Wowzers do you need a hug! I'm sorry you're going through this.  Have you started to detox now? How you feel is going to depend on what you're taking, how much, how long, etc.  .....and you know the drill.

Thing is, I think detox is the least of your problems.....I think it's the aftercare or lack thereof that is tripping you up.  Your addict brain is screaming right now and has been all along.  It's making you feel in full blown wd cuz it knows what's coming and it's started fighting back already!  You can't do this alone...I think you know that.  It sounds like "appearances" are a very big concern in your circle.......that is going to be.

You didn't say what your plan wad either, cold turkey or withdrawal? Are you able to tell more about your situation?