new here

Not sure if this is the right place to post as i have never posted here b/4 or dealt with this b/4:

If someone is drinking, not all the time, but enough to affect your relationship, is it possible to not be the drinker's problem but the other person's?

[tzt2lady]

Hello and welcome,
I am not quite sure I understand your question.   are you asking if its the alcohol thats the problem or are you asking if  it is the other person's dislike of the other person drinking it?   Please give more info, I'd like to help but am not  sure Im understanding correctly.

tzt

[tzt2lady]

[grammy64]

hi.  sorry.  i have a s/o who is pretty great, but i dont want him to drink.  i worry and it is a stickler in our relationship.  he continues to...driving a co truck, etc.  i ask him not to and he promises not to and then he does it again.  he says it is me cuz i should not ask him that.  it has caused probs in our relationship b/4.  really the biggest one...  could it just be me.  am i asking something unreasonable>

thanks for the welcome.

[road2recovery]

you are not asking to much of him, and you are not the problem...The alcohol is ..When i drank i always thought i was right everytime me and hubby got in a fight...Then when i became sober i realized it was me...But at the time a person is drinking they totally think everyone is wrong , they are right and the whole world is against them..When really the alcohol is the probem...no tyou
R2R

[grammy64]

r2r=

he doesn't drink often....he just does (after he says he won't).  that is his deal.  he is like...i can stop for six months, so i dont have a prob, and he has (stopped).

seems like everyone tells me the same as you, but i am still not sure.  i feel like i am asking too much or something....

[oxydog]

dont ever think that you have anything to do with someone else's substance use... take it from a person who has quit smoking, drinking and now opiates, it is easy for a user to find some reason for the abuse other than his or her own problem.  I used to blame my work stress, my ex-husband, problems with my teenagers, my dysfunctional upbringing etc.etc.etc.... but now I know, that I was just finding excuses so I would not have to admit I had a problem.

Please value yourself more than allowing someone to blame you for their problem.

[FLaddict]

It is not you that is the problem its his choices... If you set a boundry and ask him not to do something and he chooses not to do it... then its his problem not yours..

I too struggle with this with my hubby from time to time.. He makes bad choices where alcohol is concerned on occasion.. He is not an alcoholic but his judgement gets impaired as it does with anyone and he makes choices I do not approve of.. like driving or other things.. This is not your fault.. You have a right to feel the way you do..

[marcatj]

how much does he drink?  and what do you mean when you say it effects your relationship?  ie is it because his personality changes, be abuses it when he does, etc? or just that you don't like him drinking alcohol, period?

sorry if i misse something here...

[serenitysaves]

I have some of the same questions......
does he get angry or mean when he drinks?
When he does drink does he always get drunk?
Is he a binge drinker?
Do you have a history w/ alcohol?  
Is it just him, or don't you like anyone to drink?
Do you think he's an alcohloic?
just a little more information to give an honest opion.

take care

[addictedme]

I"m with marcat on this one. Of course he shouldnt drink n drive but thats all you really mentioned. You didnt use words like drunk,abusive,etc. From what youve said it could go either way,,,your not saying everything for whatever reason and there are things like I mentioned or he just wants to have a few with friends now and then and your having other issues. If it IS his drinking thats the problem then its no way your fault

[grammy64]

I will try and answer.  He is usually not mean when he drinks, never physical.  When he drinks he can't have one or two unless he is with me.  I would love for him to be a social drinker and have one or two with friends or when we are out, but one or two is never a possibility.   If he drinks, he has no judgment....he has had 13 mixed drinks at one sitting (short) and they thought he was dead.  He drinks and gets drunk and drives a brand new company truck.  He is really pretty great, but I worry he will hurt someone or get fired or get hurt himself when he does that.  He just cannot drink one or two and have good judgment.  He drinks a ton when he drinks and I have watched him proposition another girl IN FRONT OF ME while we were having people over and he was so drunk he did not know what he was doing...

Does that help?

[94orchard]

Sounds like a functional alcoholic.  You don't have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic.  People think that alcoholics must...live under bridges; in cardboardboxes and are bums.  Maybe that used to be true.  Well its 2007 and things changed.  Everyone and anyone can suffer from addiction.  Maybe you can try to get him to go to an AA meeting.  Their is also a group called AL-NON, it for the people that suffer the worst during someones addiction, the family and friends.  Good Luck.

[marcatj]

ok... that is enough information for me.  the guy can't and shouldn't drink, period.  that is big stuff and he has a serious drinking problem.  (btw - even if he didn't - which he clearly does - drinking and driving is NEVER EVER acceptable. what if he killed a family? a child? or anybody for that matter?  this is never, ever, ever ok...)

so to answer your original question, the problem is him.  he has a problem.

the question i guess is now.. what are you going to do?  (you don't have to answer that btw...)

but if you want to keep talking about it, i am happy to help as best i can...

[grammy64]

I really just wanted to say thanks to everyone for your replies.  My daughter says...if you have to resort to asking on a website this question, you have your answer.  i say....the people on here are so honest and nice and GIVING it is worth asking.

To Marc...i guess my answer to you (after all the replies) is...if there is a promise of no alcohol at all...no deal.  I do think he is using alcohol to make his decisions.  I personally don't want to deal with it and should not have to.  

I so appreciate the support.  You all are great people, a great sounding board...and greatly appreciated.

Love you all,
G

[marcatj]

... good luck sweetheart.  and please come back whenever, if ever. you need support.

with luv,
mj