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Avatar universal

norco withdrawal again.. yeah I know

Hi everyone.   Im a 33 year old female with three kids.  I went cold turkey three weeks ago even got to day six and stupid me I  got my  90 norco refill.  That was filled on the  23 I took my last one yesterday around 6:00.  I have not done the math yet but im sure its well over a couple a day.  What the hell was I thinking?    So now im starting over 21 hours in.  Does anyone know if my withdrawal will be as bad?  Im willing to do this and I know how stupid I am so please don't tell me about myself.  
  I even said before I got them " ive got another buzz in me but I don't have another withdrawal.  "   so what the hell is wrong with me.  Im done.  I can get more but I don't want this anymore.  Y he six days I had clean my life was so clear and I realized how much I missed out on ny kids life.  I think the guilt overwhelmed me.  Of course I have no health insurance so counselling isn't an option.   I just want to make it. Does anyone know if this will be the same hell I faced not even a month ago or will it be easier because I didn't use for about a week?  Not going to quit if it  is hard just a question.  I know I was addicted  for a long time so I do deserve this. Thanks for the help
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Avatar universal
Sorry about your sis, that blows. But she didn't succeed so that's good. This may be harsh but you cannot save your sister. You can't prop her up. That's for her. You are very VERY newly clean, and you won't be any good to anyone if you don't heal.

You wrote you were happy on norco???? That's fake happiness. It's bullsh!t.  See how silly that statement is.

I read above that you went to a meeting. Folks told you a month ago that you need to do consistently. Daily. Are you? Did you get a sponsor?
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Avatar universal
My little sister attempted suicide two days ago. She took a  bottle of resperdol. I told her shes sad because we stopped the norco and im sad too. She sent me a message that night saying she did something bad and I knew she had done something and I was right.  
  She was comfortable with me being the one to find her out because we both have mad several really good suicide attempts but always failed.  
  I know we were both happy on Norco.  That's the sad part.  She said she was being selfish because she has four little kids. I told her she wasn't because when I was at that same place last year I thought my kids would b better off and doing a favor.  
  I really want to tell my little sister something hopeful.  I don't want either one of us to die from drugs or mental illness.  
  Im ok mentally im just sad my sister tried to end everything but I understand her. Shes going to her therapy again next week.  
  Shes bipolar and ptsd.  I have manic depression and ptsd.
  Maybe u guys can pray for our recovery and mental health.  I know people think mental health is a choice most don't understand but I think she is in a bad place and needs lots of prayers.  
  Had to vent.  Thanks anyone who listed.
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Avatar universal
Yes mam prayers for you as well. Thank you
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Avatar universal
I will say lots of prayers for you! I know exactly how you feel around people, I have always felt that I didn't measure up, and when I was using I couldn't understand how these people do all of these normal things, like go have fun at the park with the kids or have a bbq , just normal stuff like that. I am here to tell you that will fade. You seem to be in the major guilt stage, which will go away the longer you stay clean. Its not your fault youre an addict, and we all do the best we can. Every day I wake up and just put one foot in front of the other and do what I can, if I don't get it done, the world isn't going to end. Hang in there, you have a lot of support. We all need to pray for each other right now!!!
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Avatar universal
Its by Gods grace im still clean.

Have a question.   Last night I had a terrible nightmare.  I don't know if it was a flashback one or just one made up in my head.
  I was being molested by my older half brother and one of his friends.  In the dream and I have had this happen in real life but I went out of my body to the top corner of the room and my soul was completely out of my body. I remember when I was younger and this hapend in real life I thought to myself   "  hurry up and go back  in your body"  because I was scared I couldn't get back in.  I only remember it really happening once in real life and I had to be 3-5 years old.  
   My question is how long will my emotions be out of wack?  I don't like to remember these things and hope it stops.
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Avatar universal
Sorry about all the typos
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Avatar universal
I think you may be right about the meeting thing. Its just always been hard for me to go into public places and no im not crazy and I deal with it well but I always have thoughts in my head about how others must think im a **** or why do I bother going and that im fat. I  know it sounds really crazy but ive always dealt with that and I think its because I was always called names and even after childhood got into a very abusive relationship.  I never was  one tocall the cops but he wwent to jail on an attemptedmmurder charge that got dropped to felony assault.  

  Im very embarrased of the choices ive made in my life. My mind wasn't right and I really ( believe it or hunot)  thought abuse was normal.  I have three
Kids by three different men and that is my  biggest humiliation.   I worked in a steel mill  only the
second woman to ever work there and I do that
because I don't have to deal with people and still
take care of my kids.
  I know my thinking and low self value and even drug addiction needs work so I got on Zoloft recently and hopefully will help.  I think all the things people called me especially my parents is like a broken record and im ready to throw the record out.
  To the person on day 16.. if I actually made it this far than ANYONE CAN.   Ive never had this much clean time and I have to say it really really gets better every day. Im sure everyone or almost everyone dealing with addiction has emotional issues so I think it has to be a whole lifestyle change.
  I was tired of spending the money and the doctor that prescribed me the pills was really a pervert and made me uncomfortable so now I don't have to go see him again.  He still calls my cell and I ignore it. Feels good.  
  Im not living until my next pill and if thats all I can do today then thats enough for me.  Im well on my way to living again.  
  As for my family my little sister is clean as well. Shes just clean because she cant find any but is still clean. She  lives an hour away so we only talk by phone.
  My middle son just got  out of the hospital after a week because he had an infection on his bone and im proud to say I was clean every day of it.
  I still have to make myself do things but way more energy than day ten.
  God bless everyone that is going through this as I am.
  
Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
Good to see you back!  First...a HUGE CONGRATS on 20 DAYS CLEAN!!

I totally missed this thread when you originally posted it a month ago...I was out of town that weekend and had never read any of it until now.

My heart just goes out to you....in a million ways.
You are young, beautiful and strong!  There is so much in your future if you can stay free of mind altering substances and can get some healing started in your life.....not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.
I don't know how many meetings you tried?  More than one? Different times of day?  Different parts of town?  Any women's only meetings?  How about some AA versus NA meetings?  I was told to try a meeting 6x before I decided it wasn't for me.  The topic is different, the person that volunteers to lead the meeting is different, the people who show up and share at each one are usually different, the lunch meetings draw a different crowd than the 5 pm "just off work" crowd, and the 7 or 8 pm meetings draw yet another group of varied people.  There are SO many ways to find support as we are recovering...NA or AA....Celebrate Recovery, Overcomers Outreach, The James Gang, Smart Recovery, small groups that meet in churches, etc.  If you don't get any skin on support....and surround yourself with at least one or two people that you can relate to in this new clean life....the old begins to creep back in....guaranteed!  Stress is our #1 enemy as recovering addicts.  We have to UN-learn and RE-learn....kinda deprogram ourselves and learn new ways of thinking.  Whether we are addicts or not, life is going to be full of both pain and joy.  And without a recovery plan in place of some kind.....we have no tools in our toolbox to "do the job" of STAYING CLEAN.  Kind of like a carpenter that doesn't have a hammer or a saw.  Even in my kitchen, I'm really particular about having just the right tool for the job.  LOL

I hope you can give yourself permission to stay away from your family for now.  I had certain family members that REALLY triggered me, and I had to stay away from them until I became stronger and more at peace inside myself.  I tried with one person at 60 days clean and had an all out anxiety attack (had to even leave and go to the quick shop for a few just to breathe and call someone)...tried again at 90 days clean...nope!  I was almost 6 months clean before I could be around her.  I was just too raw and vulnerable to deal with all the old crappy history and stress.
We cannot spend time around toxic people without poisoning our own spirits......and you can form a new "recovery" family.....meaning two or more people who share the same goals and values, have a personal commitment to one another and treat each other with respect and love.
They don't have to be "biological" for sure :)

I do hope you'll keep sharing and posting....and that you aren't considering trying to stay clean alone.  Wishing you well and glad you came back!!
  
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Avatar universal
Thank you for your post!  I'm on day 16 and am very frustrated that I don't have my energy and motivation back.  I used on/off for 12 months and I guess I thought I would be past all now!  I look forward to day 20!!!!!  I agree that this forum is such a godsend for many people.
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Avatar universal
Clean date   10-15-2014  
  Yes I fell off and jumped back on. Had to share because if other people do like I did reading these forums are the only thing that helped me. I decided NA isn't for me. I think its great just not for me.
  The first week of withdrawal was once again emotional.  On day ten I was so miserable and wanted to give up because I couldn't sleep and had no energy.  Felt like it would never end. I think up until day fifteen I had not much energy.  
  Im posting this because I didn't find too many post about opiates past day fifteen of withdrawal.  
  Keep pushing.  I want people to know day 20 is awesome.  I know it's different for everyone but if you happen to be strolling through withdrawal forums and you see this PLEASE KEEP GOING!!  
  
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Avatar universal
Ok meeting was good.  It is true withdrawal symptoms are always worse every time.  I am still having problems with being in public but it will pass one day. Thank u pat1956100 for the extreme compassion.  
  Thank you to the owner of this site for changing my screen name as I would not want to upset any of my siblings with the horrible emotions that I went through during the first day of my withdrawal.  I don't want to hurt anyone.  Im still clean I just hope I can stop hating everything about myself.  I am working on it. Thank u for the prayers
Helpful - 0
8976007 tn?1413330650
i have not read all the replies, but from MY experience withdrawal symptoms get worse and worse every time i put myself through it.  
it has never been my experience that i stop for a month and then use for a month and have little withdrawal.
see, your mind KNOWS it can convince you to use.  it just has to to do whatever it did to convince you to refill that script. if you do not listen to it then the next time it will try even harder to get you to use again until you cave.
that is why you have to cut all your sources.  if you don't want to tell your dr you are an addict, at least tell them you don't want to take them anymore.
delete any phone contacts you have.
get aftercare. even if you just do 90 meetings in 90 days and never go to another one, that is better than nothing
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Avatar universal
Hi I'm new to this site I'm trying to find ways to get off of suboxen I'm very nervous about what's going to happen when I stop taking them. I plan on doing this tomorrow:/  my friend too is going to be doing this with me. He takes a lot more than I do he takes 2-2.5 8mg a day. I take a very small price of an 8mg
Helpful - 0
2107676 tn?1388973859
I wish I could give you a hug in person.
You have so much that needs to come out.  I hope you are comfortable some day to talk about it all with people you trust.

Hugs
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you.  Im always told it is unhealthy to not have contact with my family.  My kids dad has big family values and will try to force me to go visit.  He will take me to visit my mom yes at the crack house.  We never go in she sits in the front yard but he just agreed not to pressure me on that one. She's even called him names for no reason so I don't know why the hell he thought that was a thing I needed. For some reason everyone has thought I needed family but me. I guarantee you someone will tell ne how unhealthy I am in a couple of days of no family.  I remember when I was nineteen I ran away to Arkansas.  I was gone over a year.  No contact with anyone.   I was so so happy and sober. But everyone started looking for me because we found out my dad had cancer and I had to take care of him. Really my sisters all admit I was the only care taker for him. My dad was a good person he was just abused by my mom like everyone else (  that's the situation that helps ne sleep  at night anyway)   but I came back to care for him. Of course he died one night.   He only had three percent of his liver left but I prayed by his bed every night that God would please let me keep him. When he gave his life to Christ  he  was so wonderful.  I really thought god would give me him. I was even at the end putting him in his wheel chair and taking him to church.  When we knew dad was dead in the bed at our house I just layed beside him. I knew what was going on but nothing really sunk in until the next day. My little brother was seventeen or less  but I remember mom saying hurry up before hospice gets here!  My little brother was downing the liquid morphine and taking the hydrocodone.  
  Yeah and my mom still says I overdosed him and killed him. Used to bother me but not now.  The night he died she asked if I gave him morphine I said yes.  She said I already gave it to him!  I don't think I will ever know if I did or not.  Truth is I worked all night and cared for him all day. She would even make me get off work and she would leave the hospital and not come back.  
  I don't feel ashamed about that anymore.  I think all these thoughts are coming up because im sober. Otherwise I never think about these things and sure I will regret sharing them later on. Oh well it keeps me letting the bad out so maybe some kind of good will come in. And yes i will shut up during the NA meetings.  Lol I don't talk very much in public anyways lol I am always to focused on how people must think of me but this too shall pass. I guess I want permission to ex everyone out and people leave me alone about it. We will see. Ok thanks for all the help and helping me through.  I  don't think I will post again anytime soon because I think my emotions have been way out of wack and I will feel bad later. Will be in first meeting tomorrow .  Thank you everyone.
  
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Avatar universal
Hi- I'm touched by your story and it seems to me you just never caught a break...But now you can give yourself the life you want, the home life you want; you have freedom!

Your family is toxic to you so you need to stay away. It's hard but you need to or you'll continue to get sucked in to their sickness. So, go to that meeting, seek out people who are like minded. You're bright and have much to offer; especially to your son.

You can do this because you know how to be healthy and you are strong. Stay in touch!  
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Avatar universal
Edwin McCain ... his song  "solitude. "   guess this didn't post earlier but my sister sent me that via text.  That's the song we used to write back and fourth when we were growing up in different homes.  It tells our life to a t ..I think she's trying to put me on a guilt trip.   I refuse to deal with these people who want me to stay sick. I have to do something different.   Tired of this sick game and even how I got my pills. Im tired of feeling like crap. Im done. She will have my prayers.  I know she has issues but I can't do this with her  now. I wish she would have been able to get the therapy I did.
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Avatar universal
I want it and I will go to a meeting.
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Avatar universal
Yes Hun, you will relapse if you do the same thing as you did before.  Gotta try so,etching new and different this time.  I can feel that you really want to get sober.  I think you'd do best to do what's right for you right now....you've gotta do you.  I know you love your family...you love your sisters and brothers.  And yes, it might be easier with your sister by your side.  But, it will be easier to think of just yourself right now.  It was explained to me by my friend Lu.....think of saving yourself first before you can save another person.  Just like an oxygen mask on a plane, you put your mask on first then help others...

This is a hard enough disease to fight in the first place....but, when your really really ready nothing will stop you from getting sober...it will be like that.  Nobody or nothing will or can stop you from reaching your sobriety.  Unless you want them too...cause the first part of recovery starts within yourself...

Nobody is ever too lost to get help.  That's the beauty in this disease....we're never too sick to get better. And that's a great and powerful thing.

What do you want to do?  This is your life and your choice....if you want it you can have it...meetings are free....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I did find a meeting.  I told my sister about it and she said it would be too much.  I think we both were addicted so long that we stopped developing emotionally and stuck back at age Maybe 16.  
  I feel like she does but im willing to do what I have to do.
When we were sent to the same place she and I were in a rehab facility.  The state of tx sent the oldest and youngest to Bryce  and other mental institutions.  My little sister and I begged to be together so we were in rehab.  
  I know her disgust at the mention of NA meetings. We were not drug addicts and were forced to say the hi im an addict not in the NA meetings but in the rehab center but I automatically did it there too.
My behavior was good so I was out in two and a half years and adopted by my older sister who was never a ward of the state.  I was sixteen when I was adopted the  sis who adopted me was eighteen and the judge would only let her  have one of the four. I had the best behavior so I was chosen.
  I tried to reason with my sister.  I told her  no we didn't deserve it then but we damn sure did earn our place in the meeting now.
I can't deal with her issues tho. I have too many myself.  I went by my little brother s house about two hours ago. He lives with my 72 year old mom. Its actually a crack house.  I told him im sorry I won't be able to help him or mom with money that im changing and not enabling or using.  My brother used to also get me pills.  I told him I love him of course he didn't say it back because no one in my family ever says that. It shows weakness so it took a lot.  
My mom was just her regular self calling me a ***** and a ***** because I wasn't there to do whatever. I don't really care how she feels she  has never cared about any of her 14 kids. But I still never disrespect her because out of all those kids only one which is my brother talks to her.
  I think you people are right.  I will relapse if I  Don't start something different but what I did with my family today takes a lot.
  I hope my siblings will forgive me one day but I can't do anything about it now.
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Avatar universal
I've read your posts...and I know that if you go to a meeting, pick up a big book and read it along with other addicts your self esteem will improve..after you get some clean time down, and work a program your gonna build yourself up.  It's just the way we are.  Addicts have a way of feeling about oneself that is a little different than the normal person.  When we have a hard day we numb our pain...and that's not healthy.  And we all want to be healthy.

Addiction doesn't make a person bad...addiction is a disease.

It sounds like you've got a lot of feelings still left in you regarding the past.  Especially when you mentioned your siblings.  I'm sorry to hear about what you went thru..

Don't spend too much time dwelling on why you didn't stay clean.  Just get back on track and try again.  That was just a practice run...
Helpful - 0
2107676 tn?1388973859
Damn it breaks my heart to read this.  You are in my prayers and I hope you feel the strength we are all sending out to you.
Make sure you post whenever you feel like it and don't hold back.

Hugs
Pat
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Avatar universal
Hi there! I read this whole thread. That worthless feeling you have is constantly talked about by people in meetings. I can't tell you how often I've heard people say just what you've said. The ones who have recovery have self-esteem.

Please listen to IBKLEEN. She knows her stuff:) We don't make it w/o aftercare, honey, we just don't. One tiny step at a time. Can you find a meeting?
Helpful - 0
1926359 tn?1331588139
Awe Sweetie my heart goes out to you.
So many people post on here that they don't understand how other people can just talk to each other without being under the influence.  It's just because this is the way that addict's cope with uncomfortable feelings.  It honestly just takes a lot of practice and a lot of work in aftercare learning to let go and to love and accept yourself.  Getting clean and staying clean gives you tremendous confidence.  And every time you go into a scary situation and make it through the other side you conquer a fear and it FEELS GREAT!  You may feel terrified and awkward for awhile.  But the longer you are clean and the more you put yourself out there, the better you feel.
Addiction is a disease but it is also a learned behaviour.  You have to unlearn those behaviours and replace them with healthy ones.  I know things seem dark and lonely right now but I promise there will be light.
You need to practice what we refer to in yoga as Mytrie.  It is the art of being one's own best friend.
I will tell you that I don't think I ever really loved myself until I went through the hell of getting addicted and then getting clean.  About 2 years into my sobriety I was going through something very scary and hard.  I was sitting out on my deck thinking "Oh my God, what if this doesn't work?  What if I lose everything?" And then deep inside me I heard a voice that has always been there, but was drowned out by other loud voices for a long time.  It said
"It doesn't matter what happens.  You will always be okay.  As long as you are honest and true, you will ALWAYS be okay"
And that voice was/is right.
You just need the clarity of sobriety to hear your own inner voice.

Self love, kindness, compassion, forgiveness.  These are the cornerstones of healing.
You take care of yourself, I mean REALLY take care of yourself- and the Universe will support you.  Always.
Have faith.
We are all here cheering for you!
Lu
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