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ok, i think i finally get it :-(
To all of you who are frustrated with me, I understand. I think I finally accept that this monster has grown to the point of being WAY out of my contril and I need help. What changed you ask?
Ummmm, wow I am so so ashamed and embarrased. One of my, um, friends that I see every so often has a different DOC than me. Something that I haven't mesed with since I was a teenager. For whatrver reason, it just sounded really good to me last week. So, to my extreme shame, I tried it. And oh man, all the old love that I used to have for it instantly came flooding back. And before I knew it I had smoked 2 grams of blow. And now, with my horrible terrible addict brain , all I can think about is taking another pull.
So here is my question. I am willing to admit that it this point I may need to go to a 30 day program.  I simply cannot do it , however, until the middle or end of March. Please do not tell me that it can't wait and then it has to be done now and then nothing else important. I know how important it is. It just simply cannot be done now. So in the meantime, I know that there are n/a meetings, counselors, I just don't know what wud be the best or right for me. I wud appreciate ur opinions, but please don't tell me how stupid that was, pr that I'm going to die, etc etc. I know it was stupid. All I seem to do nymore are stupid things. I don't know where to even start with making decisions that aren't stupid.
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Well the first smart decision would be to check into rehab today.  Come on, beyond, did you honestly think we were going to say "sure wait until the end of March.. you have plenty of time"..  WHY March???  That's three months away.
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3197167 tn?1348972206
"If it's important to YOU, you'll find a way.  If not, you'll find an excuse"

There are only so many tomorrows......
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4149717 tn?1389507161
Without Rehab NOW there is chance you wont even make it to March! As Clean said, there are only so many tomorrows. You say you dont want to hear the harsh words, well the coddling words didnt work with you so maybe the harsh ones will. You are heading for certain death if you do not stop this!  I really pray for you!
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495284 tn?1333897642
Your title says" ok, i think i finally get it"....what is it then?  All i hear is a new way to get high and more excuses.  You dont want to hear about dying etc but that is your reality.  I feel really bad for you, i really do cuz there is another way out but YOU choose to keep using.  I also feel bad for your son who may not have his daddy around much longer and what a legacy to leave for him.  How very sad.........
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I am so glad to see no one is listening to your request for leniency. Especially when you have a child....rehab is your only way out!!!!  I had to accept that hard truth myself and it was the best decision I have ever made. Telling you what you want to hear does you no good....you are SCREWiNG UP ROYALLY!!!!!  You don't need another "pull" you need SERIOUS HELP...go and get it now before your son has no father...It don't sound like he has much of one now.....
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271792 tn?1334983257
Chances are you won't be around in March. Sorry that you don't' want to hear it but you need to get to treatment right now.

You haven't surrendered or admitted anything. Everything is as it was the last time you posted. Except that your disease is progressing at an alarming rate.

What s shame....
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1970885 tn?1435864028
Why do you come here, write what you did, and expect us to agree with or condone your insanity? You are communicating with a bunch of addicts; people who've played the same games and told the same lies. And many of us have been trying to help you for months.
Read what everyone's written...I just did and it all sounds exactly like what's been said before. And I can't believe that you're still putting drugs before your child. What an insult.
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495284 tn?1333897642
I also hope to he!! you arent doing this in or around your son.  That child needs protection from you right now.
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480448 tn?1426952138
Worth repeating:

Chances are you won't be around in March. Sorry that you don't' want to hear it but you need to get to treatment right now.

You haven't surrendered or admitted anything. Everything is as it was the last time you posted. Except that your disease is progressing at an alarming rate.

What s shame.... .

You probably think everyone is mean, or rude, or harsh.  If you could see your situation from where we stand, you would understand.  Like IBK said, nothing has changed at all.  If you refuse to go to treatment until march, then that's that, but no one here is going to tell you that's okay.  

You're out smoking cocaine, you have no boundaries, no limits.....no rock bottom.  Instead of trying to get better, you're adding drugs TO your laundry list...rediscovering old highs.  You know what that is???  That's insanity!!!

You're either going to die or get help.  That's it.  As simple as that.  Hopefully you'll wake up and get help before you die.  You've been terrified of getting help because of losing your son...your son doesn't have you now and with each passing day, and with each new high, there's more and more of a chance he's going to lose YOU forever.  Can't you SEE that?  The longer you put this off, you really ARE risking losing your son in a HUGE way!  Why on EARTH would your ex wife want to let you have anything to do with him when you're incapable of making any rational decision about your health and safety?  The consequences are huge here, and it's so awful you can't see it.  As much as you have abused your body, adding that much coke to the mix is just a death wish.  You could drop over dead from a whole host of things, courtesy of the "blow".  What if that happened in front of your son???

If I were your ex wife, I would put legal measures in place to protect your son until you got help.  Seriously.  At least she is thinking of his safety.

I agree that it's just so sad...to watch the self destruction and continued excuses.  When is enough enough, my friend?

My words are harsh, but my heart is heavy...your son deserve more than this.  YOU deserve more than this.  I've prayed for you so much, and I'll continue to do so.  You HAVE to help yourself.  Man up....games' over.  You get ONE shot at life...and you have a child who needs his daddy.

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1742220 tn?1331360327
Beyond, I agree with Kyle and IB.  Sometimes I really question your motivation to come here.  Like everyone else, you know I so want the best for you.  But I think your first step is not rehab or NA or anything but to actually WANT to do this.  I don't hear that you really want to quit.  Honestly I don't remember ever hearing that from your posts.  I hear that you want support, and you know we are here to support you.  We are so here to support you, and we have been.  But come on, dude!  None of this is for us.  It is for you.  You have to want this.  You have to want it BAD.  As always, I want you to want it.  Oh how I do, Beyond.

Meegan
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3120424 tn?1347173632
Beyond, it's good that you are considering options like rehab, meetings, etc. That is an improvement from before. Now it's time to move from 'considering' to doing.

It seems as though a counciler, meetings, and rehab would be wise. Tthat seems overwhelming but it is not--they gomhand in hand. The sooner you start the better. Life is always happening, so there isnt really a 'good time' to go. In most cases, NOW is the best time. You need to act fast my friend.
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480448 tn?1426952138
With all due respect hon...we all have a LONG history with this gentleman.  You can read through his posting history.  No one is trying to bully him, we only want him to wake up.

You'd have to read through the past posts to get a picture of why we posted what we did.

He doesn't have time to google meetings and come up with a plan...he's been in crisis mode for a long time.  It's life or death for him.
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3120424 tn?1347173632
Ps- Kyle said something very true (as usual). We are all addicts here...been there done that...you can't BS a BS'er
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495284 tn?1333897642
Bullies we are not.  We have watched the progression of his addiction for a long time now.  There is nothing glamorous about this addiction and death is knocking on his door.
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Everyone is being so harsh because this person NEEDS it. No one is doing him any good by coddling him. He is admitting to doing incredibly dangerous and stupid things so as a community we are showing him tough love so to speak. And I think many on here would be offended by you saying "this is just a website".  This is a community of like minded people trying to offer support, advice and sometimes a shoulder to cry on.. metaphorically speaking.  I'm new posting here but i have used this forum for many years trying to get clean.  I may not have years of clean time but I do have enough where I can share my experiences with those who need it.  So we aren't being "bullies". we are just trying to wake this person up for himself and his child.
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4149717 tn?1389507161
If you take the time to read through ALL of his posts since earlier in 2012 you wouldnt be saying what you saying!  We are not bullies in the slightest! We actually care about him!! We have all been trying for MONTHS to help him and his disease is progressing worse and worse. We have all tried the hand holding and that has only driven him deeper into his addiction.

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1970885 tn?1435864028
I don't want to derail this thread, but I have to be concerned with the content of your post and how it may impact your recovery.
Something that may not have come up when discussing addiction with your counselor is our years of failure. Granted, I only have a year clean, but, if you include my years on booze, I've been fighting addiction for over 40 years (long before you were born).  Over that time I've played all the games, told thousands of lies to myself and my family, hurt people, destroyed relationships, slept in my own vomit - and on and on. The years of failure, not success, are what I call on when I comment on someone's post, or offer suggestions. And you bet - if I find something that has finally worked for me I'm a "pusher" of sorts. Maybe someone else will benefit, maybe not; but I've got to let them know.
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Exactly!!
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A quick question...how can you go back and read one individuals posts?
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Never mind...I got it...
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WOW.....  I have read many of this guys older post and he is lucky to be alive....I would rather get my feelings hurt then to not wake up the advise here is sound and met with an empathetic heart time to start listen we all want to see you succeed...........Gnarly
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Alright..but did it ever occur to you guys this is just some bored teenager screwing with everyone?
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Does anyone remember how they behaved and talked BEFORE they got clean?  Did we ever listen to sage advice?     BEYOND SCREWED wants help and needs help, and he knows it!  That's why he's here. It's not to test anyone's patience, I'm sure.   He's an addict of the first order and his addiction prevents him from listening...his day will come though, his baby steps are just very tiny...and he needs more help than this forum can provide at this time.



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495284 tn?1333897642
How do you know that?
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495284 tn?1333897642
Yes i remember, i didnt forget where i came from.......
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I don't know that lol..but yes after reading all his posts..it just seems..like maybe thats whats going on. Everyone has given him advice, ALL kinds of advice..and its like hes coming back here and bragging about it, or dangling it in front of you. We cant FORCE him to do what we think he should do.
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1970885 tn?1435864028
Very good point; I'm guilty, but the guilt is mixed with frustration. Many have come and gone, telling various tales of relapse and recovery, but this guy worries me more than most. I'm concerned that his story will not have a happy ending. And then there's the issue of the child. That hits close to home.
As always, thanks for your insight.
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I am looking up meetings, amd looking up and calling programs. I'm so broken. Sad. Lonely. Ashamed as I can possibly be. Take joy in almost nothing at all anymore.  ;-(

I am not trying to excuse or justify my behavior...... but no, I do not do anything in front of, around, with, or anything else with my son.
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You remind me of my last two years of use. I had to push it until my organs started failing, and I was twitching on the floor gasping for air. I had to almost die at least 4 times for my lack of control to really sink in. I hope you are as lucky as I was. I lived through it, barely. Drugs will take everything, even to the last breath. Eventually, there's nothing left to lose. If you don't push it to the very end, you will know when drugs have taken enough, and you will know what to do.
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2107198 tn?1336139706
Everything that can be said has been said already, but I do want to add that you ARE looking desperately to have your actions validated by us.  Not going to happen brother.

And as far as responding to him, all I can do is speak to own reasons.  It is important to ME to try and help others, no matter that I have only 6 months clean or that the poster make be some teenager.  If I can help even just one person then I am giving back to the community that has helped me.

This place helped me get clean, just a fact.

Bryan
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3688816 tn?1358478897
Brit, he has been here since I have been and its been a roller coaster with him. I doubt its some bored teenager . I'm afraid ur missing the point of this community. Most of the time I don't feel like I'm talking to someone I've never met. I feel like I'm talking to friends . They have helped me thru A LOT of stuff over the past 5 months. I don't kno where id b without everyone here. Please don't judge us or this forum by this post bc honestly u don't kno how hard we try every time he posts here to get him to understand he is going to die and he has a little boy who he is going to leave behind. If u want to get a feel for this site than look at the many many other posts where tough love isn't needed!! And just to let u kno everyone gives AMAZING advise no matter if their clean time is 2 days or 10 years. And as for u beyond u need to wake the he!! Up and stop shi*ting around. U kno how we all felt with u just smoking the polka noe ur adding coke into tht?!?! Do u want ur son to have a father? If u think ur wife doesn't kno ur using u are dead wrong   I thought my husband didn't kno but I was wrong everyone knew by looking at me!!! U NEED TO GO GET HELP NOW!!!!!  U don't have until march. And let's say u somehow make it till march what excuse is it going to b then as to y u can't go??? Come on ...
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and I'm afraid you missed the point of my post.  I am not judging anyone, and yes this site has helped many people, thats obvious. Its helped me as well, it still is.
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Okay..So what have you decided? What are you going to do? I do agree that time is running out and there will be fewer and fewer options for you. So pick something and go for it!
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Soo..Is this what he does? Post frantic, begging and pleading posts and then disappears again?
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Yup.
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2218783 tn?1357574681
Beyond I Hope and pray that someones post on here hits a nerve withn you and you realize how serious this is, I always read your post and dont respond because they make me so incredibly sad for you and your child. Please stop with this and get yourself into a program NOW! March is too far away and you dont have that kinda time. Why do you post this stuff and NEVER listen to the advice? Its very upsetting and so many people on here care about you, Why dont you care enough to at least try a program , YOU ARE WORTH IT!
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Tomorrow was my very favorite word when I was using
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2107676 tn?1388977459
Beyond,you should feel so grateful that you have all of these wonderful people trying to help you.  I mean everyone who takes the time to keep responding to your posts obviously care so much.  Nothing would make them happier than to see you succeed and stop using.
There is so much knowledge being shared with you from everyones years of pain.
I have no idea what to say to you and can only pray that you will soon listen to all of the advice that you have been given when you have asked for it.
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He hasn't posted since the 4th (today is 13th). Hope he is ok. You have to want to get clean and it's clear he doesn't. It's why I stopped posting in his threads ...until this one.
Based on the comments people are frustrated with him. So stop posting in them, stop reading them.  I hope he is ok but it's clear all the great advice isn't working
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2107676 tn?1388977459
People didn't ever give up on me and I will never give up on anyone.
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3688816 tn?1358478897
Ballgame. Every time he posts this is how it is. He will post stuff like this and everyone will comment on it then normally he doesn't even write one comment back. He would normally pop back up when he has a new question tht could b a month. Hes been doing this exact same thing for MONTHS. Saying he can't lose his son or y today isn't good to stop,now his addiction is getting worse. No one here is trying to b mean to him or make him feel bad bit we have been trying to help him for many many more thts and I just do t think he wants it. He may say he does but Idk. We have tried the nice sweet approach and then it became tough love. Its frustrating to see new posts in a month about a different problem he wants help with but WONT EVER take advise tht is given.
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3688816 tn?1358478897
And I also hope he is OK. He was going down a very bad road.
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480448 tn?1426952138
"Based on the comments people are frustrated with him. So stop posting in them, stop reading them"

If we took that approach, no one would EVER benefit from the help here.  Many addicts deal with denial, and make excuses, some can be reached easier and quicker than others.

Being frustrated isn't a good reason, IMO, to not still try to reach out to a person.  Who knows which post may finally hit home.  We all want him to wakle up and "get it"...we want it more than him I think.

I truly believe his day will come, too...I just hope it's not too late.  The situation gets more and more critical by the day.
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I was trying to think of the perfect way to respond, thank you for doing it for me. We may need to take breaks from responding to others when we feel our words are not helping, but to just give up cause they're not kicking as fast as we want is not the answer. Screwed if your about, we care.
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Wow certainly didn't mean it like that. I went down all the posts and each was the same.
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495284 tn?1333897642
I get what you are saying.  I too hope he is okay.  You can just hear the frustration in these posts and he is nowhere to be found.  It's almost like enabling in a way........
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480448 tn?1426952138
Wow certainly didn't mean it like that. I went down all the posts and each was the same

It''s sometimes hard top interpret tone and meaning over the inetrnet, it happens.  As others appeared to, I took it as basically, "if you're so irritated, why bother!".

Thanks for clarifying!
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480448 tn?1426952138
Oh wow...holy typos!  Ooops!
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Yes, the frustration is so apparent for good reason and the silence very frightening . I kinda equate Beyonds posting with a suicide cry for help. Would be hard for any of us to walk away from the bridge when ones about to jump. Come back Beyond and update us ok?
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