Ok from my previous post.. I went to a primary at the beginning he gave me pain pills, clonapin, for my degenerative disc and my panic disorder that Im currently waiting social disability for...When my first husband od'd off of the same stuff I was taking, I decided to put myself in detox and get straight, they put me on subuxtone..I stayed clean for two years...Well I still went to my primary for clonapin because my subutex doctor didnt give it to me in the beginning...My primary put me on motrin....I never told him i was on subutex i was embarressed and didnt want him to discharge me as a patine, I loved him as my primary. .during this time me and my new husband got married and he put me on his insurance so my subutex could be covered. OK? Soo....during social security revies they wanted me to go to a pscyciatrist....she put me on lithium and zoloft and ambilify and then she prescribed clonapin. During this time my pain was still bothering me in my back, so I went to all three doctors..as soon as I know it my subutex doctor started prescribing clonapin...Then came another rocky relationship and me and my new huband were going to get divorced , in fact I was just linig with him while I awaited my social.I was scared once I moved out I would lose my medical through his work so when all three doctores prescribed clonapin i just took the scrpits just in case , Ive been on clonapin for 10 years and Ive rean out before and the withdrawl is grusome I ended up in hospital for two weeks. So I wanted to make sure I would be ok if my insurance ever ran out...I never was addicted... to clonapin that is.. I take 3 or 4 a day...End of month I just throw the remaimng out when I get my last script, so in case anyone came into house I wouldnt get asked question as to why I had so much medication. But I always made wsure I had a backup script...I read that if you go to 3 different "specialty doctors" like my case it was a primary, addictionologist, and a psych, that you cant get in trouble... to clarify it wasnt like I was going to 3 primarys to intentioanlly get the same medication..I needed each one of these doctors for certain issues OK? (sorry this is so hard to follow) I got pregant, had the child , and my back started hurting , getting less, sleep and I am completley out of my normal routine, so I screwed up and over the last couple months I told myself well as long as Im on subutonxe , I wont additively take percacets. I used to take 20 to 30 pills a day. So i tried it over the last couple months and I could literally (with subutex) take 2 to 3 percacets) and no problem , mu pain was gone and I would do them every day and I could function still, and I wasnt losing control.. So I went to my primary the other 7 days agohe hired a new PA. and th PA comes in and says I got this from the pharmicists, he showed me a fax that had my whole history, the ones I paid cash for , all three doctors etc...nut he didnt see the subutex, he just addressed all the clonapin.I was so embarressed , ashamed, scared , I have a new baby grl that is my first that Im trying so hard to take care of and of couse she came into my mind....How dare I ? Ive been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bipolar, panic disorder, and what they call sbstance psycosis, I was on meth for 10 years and been clean for 6 and they say i will never be the same again, also PTSD......With that being said Im telling you I really didnt do this in a criminal manner, I just did it out of fear, and to make sure I would never have to go to the hospital due to having to take care of myh newborn who is almost 4 months. I denied it to my primary said I dont know how this came about so he made me sign a pain contract and said if it continues i will be banned from the practice.. I said , totally understood. So Ive decided to stop. And get off the pain killers ,and go strictly back to my subutex and the clonapin that my subutex doctor prescribes. Drop my primary and pschy for clonapin..QUESTION is tommorrow is the appointment for my subutex doctor I do not know if he knows ... I am going to tell him I relapsed back to pain pills, and Im going back to na,and pa, and getting back into program of 12 steps because I got off track when i had my baby. But my primary when he caught me (pa) he didnt prescribe clonapin due to the quanity i got out the month previous...so Im out!!!! Cuz I freakin through thm all away , knowing I had his appointment and my subutex appiointment coming up...So when I go to my subutex doctor tmr should I go? waist 30 dollars copay , tell him the truth , go thru the guilt, and the scare, risk on probably getting a few subutex but no clonapin....or should I go to a totally knew subutex doctor, who prescribes clonapin that I made an appointment with for tuesday. I really want to stay with the old one , hes cool, he understand addiction, but I cant risk going through withdrawl and not being here for my baby. I will have noone to take care of her. My husband works 15 hour days, and he took all his time off when I first had the baby. HELP? What should I do, I want to start a fresh new sobriety and Im willing to stop this behavior NOW... Do you think if Im honest to my addictionologist that he will understand and work with me, and help me get back on my feet, or should I start over with a new doctor? Sorry so long please somebody give me some soild advice Im going nuts, and Im scared out of my mind, I cant even look my daughter in her eyes, i feel so horrible...Thank you for your time, and brother frankie please do not give me any of your ri8diculing advice , I cant handle that right now I know what Idid was wrong but I need to go forward somehow with some dignity...
You need to get honest with each doctor you see, tell them exactly what is going on and come up with a plan to get off the meds or there is going to be big trouble coming your way. Our secrets keep us sick. It will be a massive relief when you do. The red flags are up already. Do what is right for you. You also had some good advice on your other post too. Let us know how your appt with the sub doc goes.....You can get off all of this and live a healthy clean life but you have to first get honest with yourself and all your doctors. sara
Okay. I think the best thing is to tell the truth and get all your meds from the same doctor or,at least, get different meds from different doctors. It's the tripling up that caused the problem. You'll need to tell the doctor because you can't just ct on the Klonopin now. Be honest about everything including the insurance. The thing I see here,though,is something the others will see. I'm not judging you at all but you did pay cash for some of these rx's so that blows some holes in the the "loss of insurance" fear.
Just be prepared for that question...
You'll feel a lot better once you get the truth out and get on the road to recovery. You really need to get some support for yourself so seek that out ASAP. Good luck!
Thank you vicki, your right on everything as far as the insurance , i just paid cash cause I knew my insurance would not cover the same medication in one month, the "fear" comes from not being abl to afford the doctors with cash the klonapin is 5 bucks. no biggy so no i was in fear of not being able to pay for the doctors who are 85 to 100 per month to get the klonapin, plus subutex is 350 per script plus 150 per doctor visit... so thats true and yes I will tell myaddictionologist that tmmr... I know I have to get truthful and I am or I would not bge writing on this forum ....So you think I should just tell my doctor the truth tomm and he as an a addictionologist will work with me or not work with me? I understand about everything I have to say and do to go forward but vicki I cannot afford to go through sickness and withdrawl i just want back on subutex and my one script if klonapin......thanks vicki!!!!
I've so been nearly where you are. Just like the other 2 posts above, honesty will get you the furthest. Especially with the addictionologist. Most docs with knowledge of addiction have heard similar and more extensive stories about rx addiction, doc shopping, whatever you want to call it.
It straight up ***** to be in a doc's office and waiting for them to come in and they come in with that report. Been there many many times. Only difference, I would go to another doc and another til I got what I wanted. You're thinking along the right track if you're considering telling your doc(s) about what's going on.
If you've been on the Klonopin that long, I don't think that going right off it old turkey would be what any doc would suggest. Bottom line, be honest with the doc you really trust the most, try and stay on the sub, since I know personally it deters you from going back into the opiates, and do all this while you have the fire under your bottom!! Best of luck, just know that there are others that have been through exactly what you're going through and take a deep breath. I'm a mom too, and as moms we feel that our precious babies should be enough to keep us clean, but you have to do it for yourself first. Don't let the guilt of the baby force you to get clean - it won't last that way from my experience. You've got to better you for you and then you can be the best mom the baby needs. And better to take care of all this while she's young. Yes, let her be a motivator but not the only reason, otherwise you'll end up at the bottom faster each time.
Keep your chin up and this too shall pass. Keep posting and reading, thats what got me to calm down last night. xo
thanks you guys, both of you, Im gonna do it Im going in with my chin up and Im not walking out of there without my scripts that will keep me SOBER so I wont go back to painkillers or drinking or meth,....I really think he will give me this chance I have never screwed up and this will probaly be my only chance... Soo with that being sad I really want to thank you guys for being there for me I really dont know what I would do without this forum. and people like you....A fresh new start for me...IOm really actually glad I caught....Cuz I wasnt enjoyin nor proud of what I was doing ...I new in my inner self it wasnt right I just justified it threw my addiction ya know? Again thank you babys crying got to go!!!! I will write back tommorrow and tell you guys what happened keep in touch
Glad to hear you're sticking with it...Hey, I just found this forum (thank God) last night and it's what's getting me through when I think I can't do it any longer. If you have any moment of weakness, remember how bad you felt those first few hours, some on here and just read people's posts, stay on your sober meds, etc. It's so hard and such a struggle, but once you're over the physical wds., you start to think more clearly and actually feel things, even if those things are emotionally draining. Talk to whoever you can, that sounds cliche, but it's what helps. Best of luck and let us know how things go!!!
hey, everything went great, he didnt even get the fax that got me in trouble with my primary but I still was honest and told him I relapsed into addictive behavior , he commended me for being honest and that was that. I got my subutex and clonapin and motrin for pain, I love your name because I already feel that Im bacfk to being normal again. Anyway thank you for being there, and tell me waht your stor is maybe we can talk. Whats your drug of choice, how long have you benn sober etc... WB sandy
dear miss sandy,
i have never given you any advice and i have certainty not ridiculed you in any way. You were/are in crisis caused by addiction and I was stating the obvious. I actually wrote above my post that it would probably anger some.
I am an addict. I know addict behavior. I deal with addicts every day. The addicts that get angry at the truth are the ones that usually are in denial stage. i see it here, i see it every day in the rooms as well as one on one sponsoring/counseling. Just read thru the posts on here pick one name and follow them & eventually you will see the light bulb go off in their life and their attitude change. Most eventually post with an apology saying they have not been totally honest.
Sandy, you and your dilemma is not different from anyone else here. I will not pat you on the back and do the oh i feel so bad for you routine.
I will stand next to you and pat you on the back when you are into a 90 and 90 routine. or when you are a week or two into a healthy recovery process. or when you write a letter to all prescribing docs apologizing to them and confessing to them and asking for help..
I truly pray and hope you are healthy, sober, and on the road to recovery..When I say you are loved I mean it. Read all of my posts and see i have never, ever ridiculed or been mean spirited to anyone.
Be blessed, i am sorry you are hurting
Sorry, I just saw your above response to me from the 12th. Hope you're still doing ok, and great job on being honest with your doctor. That's a huge step, I know it was/is for me, and I know it's a relief in a big way, I'm sure. I knew it would be a good step for you and your recovery, and any professional doctor, especially an addictionologist, is going to understand and get you the help you need.
Ummm..to answer a couple of your questions about me..I'm happy to share, as I know it helps to tell my story. It helps me, and it was recently pointed out to me that it may help others as well. At any rate, my story is a long one. I posted it as my first post on this site. Just click on my name and you should be able to find where I've posted..it's under the title "my (long) story of opiate addiction". It's just a lot to type out again, and as I'm sure you'll find, I like to explain in detail about things and can be long winded!!
But at any rate, to make a very long story somewhat short, my drug of choice is Vicodin. I injured my leg so bad in 2000 that they didn't know if I'd walk again. Didn't start abusing opiates until a few years later. I have a lot of childhood issues and current family issues and was supplementing for that as well as the pain and started doctor shopping and such. I'd take anything and abuse anything I could get my hands on. Again, long story very shortly put, I went on Suboxone in 2008 for a few months. It saved me, but I didn't follow up with any other aftercare, and ended up writing fake rx's for my habit. Got caught, went to jail, got bailed out. Quit cold turkey after that. Didn't get any additional help, again. That has a lot to do with my mom and how I was raised with the 'shut up, put up with it, I have it worse than you' mentality. Within 9 months I was back in jail from doing the same thing. When I got out that time, (I had relapsed due to having to get surgery and letting the doc give me percs and vics and telling myself and everyone I'd be ok when I knew I wouldn't be),
I went immediately into intense outpatient therapy. Wow, was that a life saver. Then went back on Suboxone for about 8-9 months, when the doc cut me off because they said my insurance stopped approving it (come to find out, it was the receptionist'd fault). Did ok though. Didn't want to be on Subs forever, and talked about it openly with everyone in my life, which was a great help.
Then in September I had to have emergency gallbladder removal. But, like you, was honest with the doctor there and said DO NOT give me Vicodin!! He sent me home with Darvocet. Never had a problem with those. They didnt' help with my pain, but I put up with it, as I didn't want to go back down Vicodin-leads-to-jail Road.. Got over that pain in about a month. Then got diagnosed with advancing Rheumatoid arthritis. Since then, every single day, it's gotten worse. As I've posted on my thread, I have been through every avenue of pain relief, but it's so bad now that I have no choice but to add norco to my regimen. I've tried lots of other pain meds, non narcotic, holisitic, heating pads, etc. All that combined, despite me fighting it like crazy, just wasn't giving me any help. Now that I had to re-introduce narcotics to my regimen, I do get some relief. But it's getting worse every day, and I have an MRI next week to help with what I can do about my shoulders. They came out of socket a few times when I was younger, and now they pop out with almost every move I make. As I've stated in my thread, I wish wish wish I was making up or exaggerating the pain I feel. It's interrupted my life nearly as much as my lying and scheming for pain meds used to be.
But hopefully this will get sorted out and I can go the narcotic free way sooner than later. I'm working closely with a couple docs (who know about each other, lol - more than I could say a year ago!) who are working to help get to the bottom of this pain instead of mask it.
ok, that was long again, sorry. I just don't want to leave out any main ideas so that there's more questions! No problem with any questions, just want to be clear on my story. Anyway, hope that answered what you had asked. Look forward to hearing from you and hope you're doing good, take care!!
My gosh! Everytime I think I have it rough , I find that I dont even know the meaning...Youve been through it, wow! Im so sorry that your going through all this , I for you to make time for me is aqesom. Im surprised you werent thinking girl your going thru nothing compared to my problems!!! Listen I commend you thats all I have to say, you sound like a fighter.Thats one thing I never could do is no matter how sick I was or got, couldnt do the script writing thing. to scared... How long did you do? Cause I heard it was like mandatory 2 to 5 years in prison. And with your medical issues I dont know how you could bare jail!!! Ivwe been there they dont care if your head is falling off as long as your in your cell!! HE! He!Anyway, I really will pray for you and your health.. Norco is a good strong painkiller how are you doing with those? I took them like water...But then again I took everything like water except benzos ( for some odd reason) but good for you fighting addiction while in pain , I honestly dont now how you do it. Thanks for sharing your story it meant alot to me....It inspired me if you can get through what your going thru, then I can....Yea Im back on my subs, taking care of my daughter and feel normal again. I was even given soma twice this month and ran out early because first doc didnt give me clonapin so I used soma to sleep with. But Im not cashing in any two of the same medication in a 30 day. So Im pretty proud of myself cuz (thats the first!) Anyways WB and tell me how your doing and I hope you have support from family / friends? God Bless You
There's no way that because of what I've been through that I think someone who isn't going through as much as I did is below me or doesn't deserve the support. It helps me to give insight to others. It helps to read other stories, no matter what the story is.
As far as my jail time..I was arrested the first time and spent 2 days in the city jail..God that one was so awful, the guards were just horrible, and hearing the drunk guys slamming the doors and yelling all night...I really do have post traumatic stress from that. I'm going to look into going into therapy again. I love therapy. As long as you find a good therapist; that's the hard part...Anyway, they second time I also spent 2 days in a different city jail. That was bad too. There was a window that was blacked out on my side, but the officers could look in. And they did. You'd be sitting there and see 1 or 2 cops looking in...wtf...cameras everywhere, a huge fluorescent light shining all day and all night. I had to pull a blanket over my head. Anyway, the judge set bail at $2500 which meant someone would have to pay $250 or 10% to get me out. No one did...they didn't know what was happening, I couldn't call them as they needed a credit card to accept. I spoke to my mom and husband for a few minutes after I saw the judge. My husband didn't have the money and no one else would help. The cops opened the door, took me into the intake room. I thought someone came and paid. Then they cuffed me and took me to the county jail..in Detroit...I got put in a holding cell with a crack addict that stole formula to sell it to inner city women for the $ for drugs..another woman was a prostitute that thought she may have HIV. The other woman had stabbed her boyfriend in self defense, so she said. There was blood all over her pants. Talk about a bottom....I was below my bottom at that moment. I numbed myself and wouldn't allow myself to think about anything. I don't know how I did it; that's not how I am. But I just was in shock I guess..Long story short my uncle is a sheriff in that county jail. Him and his girlfriend came and paid the now $500 bond to get me out. I was put on probation for one year. That's going fine, I'm just having trouble paying the fees...
And I ended up flushing my Norco this morning. I started to get the euphoria and i was loving how I was feeling, and I knew where that leads to. So I got rid of them. My doctor upped my Neurontin dosage, and that's helping with the nerve pain. I'm taking motrin once or twice a day, and she called in some Skelaxin, a mild muscle relaxer. I've taken Soma before...it made me fell drunk. My muscles got so weak that I would shake if I lifted anything, and I slurred my speech. I have an MRI scheduled next week, and hopefully that will let me know what is going on and then I can move forward..we'll see.
Support...I dont have any from family. I have one friend who will ask every few months how I"m doing with stuff. That's it. My family is one that writes everything off and masks feelings with humor. We don't say hi and bye to each other. My dad is an alcoholic. He hasn't been that bad or had any 'episodes' (screaming and picking fights and tearing the house apart) in a while. My mom is one who raised me to tough everything out. She never praised me for good grades, told me she loved me, nurtured me, etc. She's had a hard life as she has been with my dad since they were 16, he's always been an alcoholic, so she just can't get out of her own misery to be a mother. Simply stated I don't have a mom. She cooked the meals and signed the report cards, but I wasn't protected from my dad, who would start fights with anyone that would take the bait. When I was 13 I got in the middle of them and punched him..he was choking my mom. He saw the blood after I punched him and threw my up against all the appliances. The cops came, I had a panic attack, my mom turned them away. I had 3 tennis ball sized lumps on my head and to this day I now have migraines. My dad doesn't remember the incident, and my mom has nearly no memory of that night. I however remember it like it was a movie I watched over and over. So vivid..I remember all of it, every moment.
My family is one that won't let you finish a sentence, talk about your problems without interrupting, and they go on and on and on about their problems..then I give them advice that they don't follow. I've distanced myself a bit lately from them, but I want my son to know them. It's not fair to him to deny him a family. And I have no help with my son. He's 2 and a half, and my mom has watched him 3 times. 2 of those times, I had to come and pick him up after I went out (once every 8 months or so) and wake him up and drive home and put him to bed. My mom has said not to me but in front of me 3 times now 'I've done my time'. Nice. ughhhhh
Why were you in jail? And what are you taking now exactly? I'm just curious! you don't have to share if you don't want but I'm just curious about more of your story. But it sounds like you're doing alright...? Subs are a god send. They work if you're ready to change. I've been on them twice, once for 3 months and then again for 8 months. Thanks for your support, and I'm here too if you need to talk. Take care and I'll talk to you soon!!
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