on a vicious cycle

I am on a vicious cycle of percocets and suboxone.  I get about 120 p's per month, take them all in about 12 days, then go on 2 mg of sub per day to stop withdrawals.  I do not get high anymore from the p's and actually feel better when on the sub, but I just can't stop getting that script every month fo the p 10's.  No one to talk to exept my h who is doing the same thing.  He has legit pain - herniated disc, bad knee,etc - what can this rollercoaster ride do to me?  How do I stop?  I talked to h about it lastnight and he does not want to stop, but hates it too.  He said he would be supportive of me if I quit.  Thinking of tapering off the sub slowly - I've been on it for about 4 days now after a 12 day run with my perks.  If I can just cut the sub at about a .5 every 3 days, I might not suffer?  I am under so much stress too!  My daughter just got incarcerated for third dui - long story- and I have her baby, maybe for good.  She is 2 years old.  This is a terrible secret to bear and I fear for my health and mental status.  When I start to feel any withdrawals, the reality of some of the sad things in my life crush me so bad, I want to escape.  I have a wonderful family who loves me and I don't even know how I got caught in this terrible cycle.  I want out.  I have been reading your posts for a long time and feel a kinship with many of you.  I know I have a disease, and maybe this forum can help me get off this vicious cycle.  My intellect screams at me to stop before it is too late, but then I just go right out and screw up again every month.  Anyone out there understand my dilemma?  Ladybrock

[allaboutmary]

Welcome to the forum.  First thing I think would be to cancell the refills on the perc's. Knowing they are at your disposal only makes it more difficult.  Are you getting the Suboxone from a doctor ?  If the sub is taken properly, you shouldn't be craving the perc's. Keep reading and posting it really will help.

[confused456]

PLEASE talk to Flmagi or allaboutmary. I am almost sure that they will have wonderful insight for you. I am sorry that I do not have info. about sub.....so all I can do is tell you congrats for wanting to stop this cycle and wish you the best of luck!!

[ladybrock]

Can you help me please?

[ladybrock]

Sub stops the physical cravings, but the mental ones are there still.  Nay more insight would be so appreciated.  I feel desperate.

[ladybrock]

My h is getting the sub from a doctor.  Insurance pays for it and he gets 120 8mg per month.  We always have plenty, but I only take 2 mg per day - never more - shouldn't that be easy to stop.  I have never taken more or less and always when I get up.  On the day I get my perks, I do not take the sub, but it still takes about 2 days to "feel" the perks.  This is disgusting!  Writing it al down makes it more real and more horrible.  What is wrong with me?  I am weak and foolish.  Funny thing is I always think I will just take a few perks to get me off sub, then I just go ahead and start taking two at a time until they are gone.  Sub works well, but my brain is messed up.  I am an ordinary wife and Mom.  My kids would be devestated!  They can never know.  

[allaboutmary]

It could be you are not taking the proper dose of sub.  It can be a little tricky finding the right dose. Yes you can still have some mental cravings, but they are usually so mild.  If I have them they seem to only last a moment.  I'm not being judgemental or anything, but are you taking them under a doctors care ?  I ask that because some people that get them on the street only have so many and not enough to take it properly.  Either way , stick around and we will help you all we can.  We know how horrible this addiction is and what your going through.  Keep posting.  Hugs   Mary

[jim811]

Hi Lady...

How long have you been using these meds?  Have you ever tried to stop completely before?

Thx,

Nick

[allaboutmary]

Please stop beating yourself up.  You are not weak and foolish. You are an addict just like us. You can do this .  Just coming on this forum is a great start.  
Ok it sounds like you have plenty of sub to do this. In my opinion, its the easy access to the perc's that are messing with your head.  Would you be willing to call the doctor and cut off your supply of them ?

[newmanagment]

you are not weak or foolish, you are an addict. i am clueless about pills, but i know addiction, and we all use it to escape stress, hurt, pain, pretty much everything we dont want to deal with. Ya have to kick this, i see ya have kids,and if ya dont want em devestated, then quit picking up the percs. im sorry to be harsh, but nothing is gonna change unless YOU change it. your in a vicious cycle, and they only one that can get you out is you. as im learning , sub works great, but it also is going to take willpower and determination. recovery happens when your will to be clean overpowers your will to use!! so please , dig deep and find some willpower, for yourself and your family.... good luck and much love....

[ladybrock]

YES YES!  It is the easy access to the perks that mess with my head!  I do want to be clean, but am afraid the old me is lost.  Will she still be there when the pills wear off?  How sad will I be?  The last time I quit cold turkey, I cried an ocean of tears!  I don't want to do that!  And.....I was happy in a real way, you know?  How long really before you feel like life is good again.  Some say a year, others a few months.  Also, more than 2 mg of sub gives me jitters and makes my heart pound out of my chest.  Just 2 keeps me from the nasty withdrawal stuff.  I can do this, I know, but I am so afraid that I will look at my life and some of the sad stuff and fall apart!  Is this part of the addiction talking?  Ladybrock

[newmanagment]

sure the addiction will trick your mind with all sorts of stuff. the old you is in there, but your prolly gonna find she has changed some!! we all worry about wut u are, will i be able to like my life again, etc.. truth is ya wont ever get to find out if ya dont quit, and give yourself a chace to get thru all the emotional stuff. your gonaa be sad, i have things in my life i really dont like to face, i spent years in the streets, so i have done things i cant stand to think about or picture. but for me to clean up and relapse because of those things is pointless. we must get clean and look back at the things we have done,and deal with them sober.if it takes a year for us to start to feel normal again , wouldnt it be time well spent?! i go thru wut i go thru, some mad dayz of depression, because my kids deserve a father that is sober! so i am using these days to remember who i am, and who i want to be.......

[allaboutmary]

Yes you can get back to your old self. She is in there.  It's gonna take time and some hard work on your part.  The depression and crying are very normal. It's hard to say how long it takes. Everyone is so different.  How long have you been on the perc's and sub ?

[worried878]

So...u r basically abusing both of the drugs...I dont think sub is made to be used with narcotics or for dry spells...not sure but havent heard it used that way....sounds like you need a plan and remaining on the sub and tossing out the percs sounds more sensible to me...when you feel strong..taper down off the sub and become free!  sounds so easy and i know it is not,...i know u gotta want it for yourself....good luck and keep posting

[allaboutmary]

I will be back tonight. I have to go get dinner stuff ready. Hope to talk to you again.  Just be happy today, you are headed in the right direction.  Try and have a Happy Easter knowing you've made a great start today.  Hugs  Mary