on this road for far too long

Im new to this to thank you for taking time to read my story and give any and all advice you have.

Im a 25 year old, and I am addicted to narcotics. Guess this is step one for me. This all started for me three years ago when I had a breast reduction that went completely wrong. Not to be graphic but all of my stitches ripped through my skin, my wounds opened and the amount of vicodin that my doctor's gave me kept increasing to the point where I couldnt feel anything. The physical pain of my stitches ripping through and having a second surgery along with the emotional pain of watching my body become mangled was horrible and the vicodin and percs took care of everything. At my worst was me taking 8-12 a day without flinching or not even feeling any relief of pain and I would go days without sleeping. I felt like nothing could go wrong but then this is when the narcs turned on me -- I became suicidal. Mind you the doctors had put me on anti depressants because of what was going on to me along with xanax due to the panic attacks I would have. My lowest point of life so far is the moment that I threw myself down a flight of stairs and couldnt feel the pain, so I came back upstairs and put a knife into my head. A simple flesh wound it was but it was enough to where it became infected and this is when I decided that something inside me wasnt right and I had to get better... and I checked myself into a psych ward. The only thing about this though, is that they didnt know about the narcs, they thought it was just medication issues so I lied that I couldnt sleep and I was anxious so I basically was zonked the entire time and relaxing on xanax.

To me that was the longest span I had gone in 3 years of being without a narc - 5 days. It was hell, hot sweats, heart racing, not being able to catch my breath, wanting to punch people... having no sense of why I was alive and why me of all people could become addicted to this. I wanted to isolate myself and just get away. After I got out I went back to the narcs, all of which were prescribed.

1 year went by with me going on taking 4 vics a day, not much compared to what some people are on, but its enough that it has messed me up to the point where I am not taking them to feel a high, its for me to be able to get out of bed and feel normal, for me to be able to function at work. I have started tapering myself down and I am at one pill a day, which isnt bad but that is in combination with xanax, and an antidepressant.. but I feel like I need more. I am constantly feeling sick, grumpy, angry and when my husband just had surgery he came home with percs and I took 4 and it was Heaven. Finally, I felt was I was longing for. This is sick, it sounds like a romance novel. I am in love with a drug.

I am going to start counseling and seeing a psychiatrist and a medication intake doctor in 2 weeks but I just dont know what else to do. I know wanting help is step number one, and I know I want help but this *****. I just got married and he didnt know I was on the pills still. Its sad, it really is. A few close people still know this, my mom and my husband. I am looking for some NA meetings but none fit my set work schedule so hence me looking online for support etc while I go through all this.

Any information, steps...advice.. would be greatly appreciated.

~Jill