only for today?

Question

Live only for today, that's what I'm consistently hearing from, everyone! I've tried NA, AA, solo therapy, group therapy, ect... NOTHING IS WORKING! I've struggled with my recovery/addiction for years! I no longer act out of impulse, but instead I go thru a thot process first. 


I've tried really hard to be my own best friend, but it just ain't happening! I am mu own worst enemy! How can I live like this? How can I raise my children in this life? Why don't I let go of this anger and low self esteem? Do I need to be highly medicated to function properly? I'm starting to think, that sobriety just isn't worth the effort anymore! I hate having to rely on a substance to be normal. What can I possibly do for myself? 


In case you're wondering; did she use? Well the answer is no. How can I hold such a positive perspective, when the only comfort that I get is being here, on the forum, with all of you ...

hellc@mst · Answer

"less then 10 % of the people will make it a yr clean without  aftercare it not optional you have to work on your sobriety"

Sheesh! Come on Mark! Thats not true (do you have a source or link for this figure?). Im not trying to be argumentative or contrary but I really dont appreciate it when people manufacture their own statistics and pass them off as fact.

gnarly_1 · Answer

HI  although I believe in N/A and A/A its not always a perfect fit N/A got me off alcohol weed and every thing else recreational but it took a good substance counselor to help me off methadone....my advisr is give N/A a chance your going to be unconformable in the first few meetings but push past this once you do you will reap the harvest of sobriety you like me may find a drug counselor more effective but get pluged into something.....less then 10 % of the people will make it a yr clean without  aftercare it not optional you have to work on your sobriety good luck and God bless.........Gnarly

Bkitty · Answer

Oh I know how hard it is to shut off those thoughts! I had to keep reminding myself that I was OK. The world is going around as it should  and just because I was mentally a mess did not mean that everything is gonna stop and blow up in my face. I had to take my thought process down a few notches. Id look in the mirror and tell myself this is reality now,,Im sober,,Im not gonna like being sober but what happens if I continue? Its really uncomfortable at first,,living a clean life. Its awkward and I had this sense of doom around me. But as each day passed I felt more and more comfortable in my skin again. Somedays I still have to take it down a notch and write a list of all the things that I am grateful for and sometimes just look in the mirror and tell myself,,,Im OK. Ive got air to breathe,,clothes to wear,,food to eat,,etc.. It calmed me down a lot doing that. Id also post here. Just because you are not involed in some sort of formal recovery does not mean that you are not in recovery. Recovery takes time and patience. Im still learning that too. Look inside yourself and search for whatever is keeping you hostage from living the sober life you deserve. It was hard for me in the beginning (and still is) to feel that I deserve that. I am soo used to feeling miserable,,it was so much easier to feel that then feel happiness. They tell me that feeling "uncomfortable" is good. It means Im dealing with the feelings and confronting them instead of drugging them. You'll get used to it more and more each day! Remember,,its more than Ok to love yourself and take care of yourself and your sobriety. It really is OK. Now is the time to be a lil selfish. Forgive yourself and let go of that bondage (((hugs))~Bkitty

Sorry I was rambling on and on...lol! Im tired!

bettermomma · Answer

Thank you all, especially you bkitty and Lulu. I have and still do struggle with depression. I'm currently on cymbalta for me depression, anxiety, and sleep issues, but I'm just frustrated. For the past 10 - 12 yrs I've associated everything in my life to using... (sigh) I'm I'm extremely over sensitive right now. Lol but I guess that's part of the experience of healing. I just feel that I need more advice... but I'm not really sure what I need advised on... if that makes any sense? Sorry that I'm rambling, I just have so many thots right now ...

Bkitty · Answer

Oh and the anger that you have,,that is a secondary emotion. The primary emotions usually are rejection and hurt. Look a lil inside your heart and see what is bugging ya so to speak. ((Hugs))

I had never been so angry in my life when I was using,,after research so to speak I finally figured out why I was so angry. I was no picknic facing those feelings but once I owned them,,,I felt them and dealt them

Bkitty · Answer

Sometimes you just gotta find what works for you. If it isnt NA/AA or therapy then try something that fits you,,custom made. You know yourself the best and you have the tools that you have learned thru this process so make it fit for you. Dont give up,,I promise you this will be the best decision that you will ever make. I know you dont see and feel it now,,but it all payoff. I still struggle at 130days,,Im not going to lie but I will tell you that I have more good days these days than bad ones. Have you struggled with depression?? You could be experiencing some post withdrawal depression and that is why you feel uncertain. You'll find that niche soon! Hang in there~Bkitty

lulu747 · Answer

Hi Momma,

Honey, I hear you.  Learning to love ourselves and living sober is a life long process.  I would say it is about a spiritual connection more than anything else.  If you are working the twelve steps and not feeling it's working, try something in conjunction.  Do what you need to do to connect to others, get out of your head, connect to a higher power.  Have you thought about volunteer work?  Yoga, meditation, dance?  For me, aside from therapy and group work, I have to be connected to spirit, to my higher power.  I find this in my volunteer work, in nature, in yoga, and in my art.  My love and acceptance grows a bit more each day.  Do I have moments and even days where I feel like crap about myself, where I want to turn off?  Yes.  But I also remember what it felt like to be in the dark tunnel of addiction and despair, and it was NOT living.  We are all our own worst enemies.  It takes time and practice to learn a new way of relating to ourselves.  Each time you act from love for yourself it is re-inforced and you take steps forward in healing.  There is no rule book, no absolute plan, no time schedule.  You gotta keep choosing life.  

Wishing you some peace tonight...
Lu

minn66 · Answer

You're right, it is easy to say to live for today. Yet, I have actually found that if I think too far ahead I get overwhelmed. For me, thinking only of making it through one day, one step, one thing at a time makes life more manageable. 

I know it gets frustrating. It is so easy to say stuff and very hard to do. 

Thinking of you, 

Minn

lal757 · Answer

Sobriety takes time after a long time of useing drugs it takes a while to get back in to society and be a functioning person I spent 12 yrs in na and aa and after a while the program started working for me your addiction will tell you that you dont want to go to these meetings they dont help and some people drop out of the meetings but if you hang around long enough the program will work for you its called working the program. So dont beat yourself up and we can be our own worst enemy but get a sponsor someone who's been in meetings for a while someone who has at least 3 yrs clean that way is better so hang on and dont give up it can be dont one day at a time let go let God.

LostNoMore · Answer

Hey Momma -  The emotional pain of being clean and without our security blanket can be intense and if left untreated, can drive us back to using. I would bet it's the number one reason we relapse. I too have struggled for
years with my disease. The only long-term relief I've found is the 12 steps.
Someone will probably post to take a few shots at 12 step programs, and that's ok. I just know that the steps work for me. They bring me closer to my higher power (whom I choose to call God) and that allows me to find some peace and live happy and free. I know you said you have tried AA and NA, but maybe you haven't stuck around long enough to work the program. I hope you find something besides drugs to give you some peace.
Using isn't the answer. I think we can agree on that. take care.

n8tiv_ndn · Answer

hey sister....I feel the pain in your words as I am still in the heated battle of getting off the meds.....but YOU KNOW the battle for your sobriety is worth everything you have already been through and continue to deal with....I certainly don't have the magic answer for you much as I don't have the magic answer for myself yet....but what I do have are a lot of good people here trying to help and the burning desire to continue my own battle....I'll say a prayer for you for strength and peace and you keep fighting....peace....

n8tiv_ndn
Mark