dont know where to start. im sitting here with a big knot in my stomach.this last couple of months my partner has gone astray with cocaine. hes not living in reality. he makes up stories that arent even happening. making himself out to be this real tough man and gangster.hes even being over friendly with known drug suppliers. he has his own small buisness. he seems able to go down and do his days work. hes also a recovering alcoholic this past 10yrs.at this moment in time i really hate him. he makes promises that he will stop using especially the pot which he smokes nearly ever night. i hid all of this from my 11yr old son. we had a holiday booked recently and he pulled out the last min so we went on our own. he said the reason he wouldnt go was so that he could get his head sorted out and sort himself out. the day we arrived home i discovered that he went totally of the rails with cocaine while we were away and didnt even have the decency to come straight home after work to see us. instead he went to somebodys house to smoke joints.
when he did get home i was so annoyed i started screaming at him and told him to get out of the house. my son started crying and begged me to let him stay.i dont want him here anymore until he sorts himself out. i just dont know how to do it without upsetting my son who i know will go hysterical he loves his dad so much. my head is all mixed up. i cant even write down all i need to say. i just want to cry and cry. my family life is not NORMAL please will somebody read this and please stay with me i feel so alone im afraid i will end up in the mental health hospital if i dont figure out what to do. at this moment he is sitting in his friends house smoking pot and i just want to smash his face in. his addiction is taking over my life i cant even funtion on the day to day living
PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME
There is no way that no one will get hurt in this situation .I wish there was .It is not safe or healthy for you or your son to have him around while he is using .You have to figure out what you want to do .I would make a plan to have him leave when you can leave your son with family or a caretaker until he get his stuff out of the house .It will make it easier on your son .How old is he ?
For most addicts they have to hit rock bottom before they get help.hopefully he will realize what he is losing, because as much as you want him to get clean he has to want to.We are here to help and listen
Hi , Sorry to here about your situation. It's hard because you are feeling so much, but you need push your feeling aside and think about you and your son and your life. You come first and you need to get away from all of the negative things in your life. Drug never lead to anything good. But I would just say get him away from you asap. I know it sounds mean but I have seen so many terrible things happen to people I love because of drugs and remember it always gets worst.
thanks avisg and bdanny. he came home this morning at 8.30 i had the door locked so that he couldnt sneak in. he said he fell asleep at his friends house which i know is true b\c i checked later today. anyway i have asked him to leave quietly and with no fuss. i told him i cant live this life anymore and im not putting our son through it also. my son is only 11 and i dont want his childhood taken away from him. he begged me not to throw him out just let him stay in the back room and that he will never take the drugs again. he said he couldnt bear to loose his family and that he will go to the narc meetings. hes at work at the min and has been there all day. normally i would ring him to see how he is but not today. i just hope he dosent come home. deep down i know i love him but i hate what he has been doing to our family this last while. i even blamed myself for the way he is. i started thinking maybe im not spending enough time with him and to much time with my grandchildren and my young son how pathetic is that.its so hard to be cruel to someone that has a problem and to tell you all the truth its not my nature to be this way and im finding it very hard. all im doing is crying. so PLEASE WILL YOU STAY WITH ME I FEEL SO ALONE WITH NOBODY TO TALK TO.its hard when you loose trust in someone. hope you will stay with me throught his its the hardest thing i think that i have to deal with and to try and stay normal for my sons sake
Best thing to remember about addicts is it is not what they say its what they do .An addict will say whatever they need to when they feel backed into a corner .I would not let him stay even in the back room until he has some clean time then maybe that would be a good place for him to start if and when he gets clean.Look into some ALANON meeting s there are so many others that are in the same place you are and dont know what to do .we will be here for you as well.
I am so very sorry to hear what you are going through and that you and your son are hurting. Loving an addict is never easy.
He is now telling you he will change and he won't do it again, and on and on. He is lying. I am sorry to be so blunt but it is true. If he could stop just like that for the love of his family, then this community would not be here and neither would any of us. Addiction does not work like that.
No doubt in my mind he loves you and his son but right now his first love is the drug and he doesn't know how to stop.
Addiction is not just a physical disease but a mental one as well. Unless he gets help immediately for both he will not recover. He will promise you the sun, the moon and stars but he cannot deliver them because he does not have the tools.
If there is any way...any way at all...for him to go into in-patient treatment then I highly suggest it. There is no physical withdrawal with cocaine or pot so that is not the purpose of treatment. He needs to get to the core issues that caused him to use in the first place and he needs to re-lear how to live life. Treatment will provide him counseling and occupational therapy and recreational therapy and so on.
Avis had a real good idea, if he is going to leave make certain your son is out of the house.
Whatever you decide and whatever happens please know that YOU deserve a life.
Hope that you stick around and listen to the good folks here.
he came home from work last night about 9 oclock. i told him i was hoping that he wouldnt return home.it was hard to have a right talk with him b\c my son was in and out of the kitchen, he knows there is something wrong and im trying to hide it from him. in the middle of everything i got a phone call to say that his 80yr old mother was brought to hospital. so again it was left up to me to go to the hospital (thank god it was nothing serious). anyway he slept in the back room, got up this morning lit the fire and made me coffee. i told him iv lost all trust in him, its just like when he was drinking it took me a long time to regain my trust with him. he swears on our sons life that he will attend meetings( the problem here with going to a clinic is that it costs 7000 euros for a six week programe). hes gone to work again today he said he wants to keep buzy until he gets to his 1st meeting, we only have 2 a week here, in my head its saying why not give him 1 last chance to prove himself. my son said last night when we went to bed" dad is trying real hard" all i could say to him was wel have to wait and see. oh whats wrong with me i dont even seem to be able to make a decision my head and heart is being ruled by my sons feelings. i sometimes wish i only had me to think about but i dont have that luxury. i really thank you all by talking to me, you dont know how good it feels to be able to have someone to listen to all i have to say. i think il look up alon meetings for myself also. i think my brain is more fried than his at this moment in time
still here reading other peoples posts. he hasnt touched anything since friday. just wondering how long it will last. have lost all trust in him. i hope throught time when i see him staying clean that i will be able to put all this **** behind me and get on with life
I am so sorry to hear the hurt in your words. My husband, too, is involved with alcohol and cocaine. Your comments sound much like mine. I wish that you could get to Al-Anon meetings. Do you have those nearby? They are for family members of alcoholics and addicts. They do have Nar-Anon for family members of addicts, but there seem to be more Al-Anon meetings than Nar-Anon meetings AND it doesn't matter what your husband is addicted. If you can find Al-Anon meetings, I will guarantee you that someone in there (like me) will have a loved one who is addicted to alcohol AND something else.
Just please know that there is NOTHING that you did that created your husband's problems, and there is NOTHING that you can do --- he has to own his own problems. As we say in Al-Anon: Always remember the "3 Cs": You didn't cause it, you cannot control it, and you certainly cannot cure it. He has to do this for himself. And unless you get help for yourself and your son, you are going to go to "Crazy Town" right along with your husband. I am embarrassed to say all of the times I put my infant son in my car at 2:30AM and drove around the trashiest parts of the city looking for my husband without having any idea where he may be. So here I was, ON A WORK NIGHT, interrupting my baby boy's sleep and driving around in the most dangerous neighborhoods at prime-time crime hour, WITHOUT EVEN HAVING A CLUE IF MY HUSBAND WAS IN THOSE AREAS. Don't get crazy. The only way to not get crazy is to let go. It is SO MUCH EASIER to be crazy, Rory4. But that's why you need to find some Al-Anon friends. Also, DO NOT RELY on your family and friends for input. Friendly advice is NOT WHAT YOU NEED. Talk to these wonderful people on this site and your Al-Anon groups.
My husband has boldface lied to me a MILLION times with saying he would quit on the spot, etc. Only to find out that the VERY NEXT DAY, he was trying to buy cocaine. This used to SHOCK me. It still hurts me, if I let it, but I focus on the fact that it's more than reasonable that he's trying to buy coke after telling me he stopped. HE IS ADDICTED TO COKE and he IS NOT SEEKING HELP and he is IN DENIAL. Of course he will do this. He's sick.
You are not alone, Rory4.
And only YOU know what you can handle and what your situation is. AND there is hope. All of these kind and brave people talking to us on this site --- they give me hope. Nothing is hopeless if you have faith. But you need to start loving yourself first. If you are like me, I know that loving yourself is probably something you have not done in a long time and probably the LAST thing you feel like doing right now --- because you either want to focus on punching your husband's lights out, or you want to spend your time hugging him and loving on him and finding a way to "make it better."
Don't stop loving your husband. You don't have to. And you can help him get better, but not in the ways you want to. The only way to help him is to let go. It is very hard and scary, but that's where faith comes in. And there are a lot of Al-Anon friends that would love to go through this with you and give you good guidance.
If you believe in God or another Higher Power, pray. Pray for guidance, and listen and look for direction. It WILL come.
thanks birdstheword whebn you say let him go do you mean put him out of the house. its just that my emotions are all over the place. i want him to leave in the back of my mind. but then i think of all the good things he did for me its only this past couple of months that he seems to have gone of the rails. i just dont know what to do for the best i know he loves me and our son very much. i then blame myself and wonder is he doing this b\c hes lonely am i spending enough time together. we dont socialise at all so that means we dont do anything as a couple. when we go for a day out we always have one of the grandchildren with us. when i booked our holiday i made sure there was other family members with us.now im the one feeling guilty even though its not me doing this to us. at the moment i know he hasnt used cocaine. but i found out last night that he has taken valuim. whats wrong with these people that depend on things to make them high, im so angry and sad to think that he can do this to me and our son. learn how to love myself i dont know how my thoughts are always full with thoughts of how to straigten this mess out. i love getting replys i dont feel so alone then
many thanks to you all who write to me it is very much appreciated
I dealt with a coke-head for 26 years !!!!! Get Out Now!! I don't care if he is husband, he will not change , will not get better. He will get worse, violent, wreckless, abusive both physically and emotionally...if he isn't yet. You can't fix him and don't even try. Yeah, he may stop for a while, while you sit around wondering everyday if he is or he isn't ?? that's bull. Your child does not deserve this....PLease Get rid of him !!! Ino it's not that easy, but I have been down that road and seen others in this too.........It never ends up fixed......
This breaks my heart. PM me if you need to talk anytime. I've been right where you are, and never AGAIN !!
no sorry to say im not very religeous. its the weekend now once again and iv had a lot of time to think this week. my thought are he has to go. his daughter has offered him a room until he finds somewhere to live. so he has no excuses iv told him he has to go so lets see
The Content on this Site is presented in a summary fashion, and is intended to be used for educational and entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to be and should not be interpreted as medical advice or a diagnosis of any health or fitness problem, condition or disease; or a recommendation for a specific test, doctor, care provider, procedure, treatment plan, product, or course of action. Med Help International, Inc. is not a medical or healthcare provider and your use of this Site does not create a doctor / patient relationship. We disclaim all responsibility for the professional qualifications and licensing of, and services provided by, any physician or other health providers posting on or otherwise referred to on this Site and/or any Third Party Site. Never disregard the medical advice of your physician or health professional, or delay in seeking such advice, because of something you read on this Site. We offer this Site AS IS and without any warranties. By using this Site you agree to the following Terms and Conditions. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your physician or 911 immediately.