pills are such a problem for me

i am having the worst time with kicking my addiction to prescription meds...  i actually have a package of them being delivered tomorrow - i bought them online,  i can even track them on fedex.com..  i completed the narconon program about a year and a half ago, but i have relapsed several times..  and i am so very depressed that i barely have the will to live much of the time.  i just don't seem to be able to summon up any personal strength anymore.  i have become too weak emotionally.  i look forward to nothing.  i fear everything.  i know after i take the pills and wake up from it all, the guilt will be worse- and yet, i just cannot seem to say no and have the courage to not take them.  and i do not have anyone to really answer to- no husband, or children around me that are directly affected or witness to my useage.  and although i am not of retirement age, i am retired- and what compounds it is the fact that i have a very financially comfortable life, so i have the money to order the meds online--  which is a very expensive basically.  so, well here i sit - just trying to get online to see what was out here and read other's stories, etc..  in hopes of some inspiration i suppose...   i know it is up to me to stop this vicious cycle... but that is the problem..

[dbgc]

you may not think you have any reasons or people to quit for but the most important is for YOU. I just want to say that it took me many times to get a handle on my addiction,it had only been over a month of taking no pills for me and wow life is so much better. I now love to go out and do things and now it seems that my outlook on life is so much better. it sounds like you really want this but dont quite have the will power. just get down on your knees and pray for the strength to do this and god will help those who help themselves. it takes awhile to start to feel better but the outcome is so worth it and everyone here wants to see you succeed.just remember you are worth it and life is worth it. if you need anything just let all of us at mh know. you can do this

[corey411]

Sounds like you are saying that you really do want to stop taking pills. I have also relapsed many times. About a dozen. Recovery is not easy. Your right, it is up to you to quit using but you can make things easier. The more support that you have, the stronger you will get. You can get strength from other people. Talking about your addiction weakens it. Do you have any friends or family who know and who will support you? Have you tried AA or NA? Have you posted on here as much as you could have? This is beatable. We need to use every tool that we can to get and stay clean. Support from other recovering addicts is essential.

Do you know what triggered you to relapse? It sounds like if  you have no children, husband, job...you might need to find some activities or hobbies to fill some of your time. Find something that will bring you joy. It might be hard to find things at first....post addiction we need to find ourselves again. A couple of members on here started photography and are getting up and looking forward to taking pictures. There is something out there for you too. It might not be photography but it's out there and you will find it once you are clean long enough. I hope that you will not give up. If I would have after 2 relapses I wouldn't be here typing this. Lots of luck to you:o) Corey

[donsy]

hi i have the same problem i have abused tranqs for years i find i can stop for a bit then i go back to using even more.One day maybe we will be free.