please help

hi guys, i was on here once before and was able to achieve 9 months of sobriety due to the support i had here and from meetings. i have since moved to another state, ended up back on the vicodin, but met a Dr. who was really great at helping me wean down from 20 pills a day, i am know down to 5.....kinda...every time i get my script, i end up taking more that my scheduled dose. i screw up CONSTANTLY. to the point i am in w/d every 10 days.....i have not met anyone in my new state, i have no friends to talk to, i have a husband who works all day and is also weaning with the same program and Dr i mentioned above. i feel my main downfall is the fact i have no where to turn. i have a 2 year old, i have gone to aa meetings here but i had to bring her with and let me just say, it was NOT the environment for a child. she ran around, i couldnt focus on what i was there for...etc. anyway, i am hoping to find friends here who can support me, i have been hiding alot from my husband, lying, you know the drill...like i said..been here done that, but i guess havent learned enough yet to be sober and alone with myself. please....i am begging for support so i can do this right. i found a Dr willing to help me and yet i feel i have betrayed him. like i said above, my husband is also an addict, we feed into each other. we lost everything a few years back and had tomove to make a new start. i cant do it alone, i am alone 24/7 it seems, at least mentally. i cant sleep at night anymore...etc.....if anyone is interested in being a friend, please, i am begging for support. like i said, i did it before while i was pregnant, and thanks to the wonderful people on this forum, i did it.......now that i am alone, not doing so well. i am back to isolating, hiding, lying, etc....thank you to all that read this and care

[ANewLife4Me]

Hello,

First off, you are not alone!  And now hopefully you won't feel so lost with the help of the people on this forum :)

9 months!  That's great and just goes to show that you can do it.  My heart fell to read your husband is an addict too.  I know what it's like because my ex and I were both on pills and sad to say we did not make it after 20 years of being together.  The pills in the end tore us apart.  I had numerous addiction specialists tell me that my chances of relapsing while he was using was 99%.  Now, please, that is not to say that you and your hubby can't make it, because you can!  Is he willing to quit?  So if I understand this correctly, he is still taking pills, but thinks you are still clean?  I think maybe the first thing I would do is sit down with him and be honest and see if he is willing and/or ready to quit as well.

Have you tried any online meetings?  Do you attend church where you could talk to the preacher/minister?  As far as feeling like you let your doctor down, I wouldn't.  Only worry about letting yourself down and try not to do that by being honest with him/her, they are trying to help and most of them know that an addict is not going to quit on the first try and it takes a lot of discipline to taper on top of it.

:)

[lostandalone0908]

thank you so much for your response....i see the support on here has not changed  :), my husband and i are both weaning, with the help of the same DR, so yes my hubby does know about the pills, he does not know about a few other things i have done to get through the day, well, maybe he does??? but as far as the pill thing, we are 100 % open. i see what you said about you and your husband  ( iam so sorry), and i see the cause. whenver i try to do my weaning prgram, he dabbles into more and i can tell he is high, therefore triggering me to want that high as well, i know its my own fault, but i am not yet strong enough. the fact is, i am sick and tired of being sick and tired...i have a baby to raise...i hate myself for not being able to do this, especially after finding a Dr who would help and not harm.
i have tried the churches here with no luck., i have NOT tried online meetings, did not know they even existed. i have contacted my old sponsor but have not told her my situation. we ended things on a bad note and i just reconnected with her....she hooked up with my husbands best friend while sponsoring me..and it went downhill from there...but as luck has it, my momo ran into her and i decided to give her a call. i am reaching out..i dont want my marriage to end...it makes me sick, i cant stop crying thinking about my daughter w/out her daddy, or at least living with him, but honestly, it has crossed my mind..
i am so alone out here, we moved after 38 years from my hometown due to lack of work...and i have yet to meet anyone in my situation, with common interests, etc. i dont seem to fit in with the moms out here, or anywhere i guess, thats part of my isolating.....thank you for responding, you have given me hope that this might work for me again..i want it so bad, just dont know how to get there. i have had so many stresses (like everyone else i am sure) i dont know how to cope, for instance, my husband was injured and couldnt work for the past 2 weeks, we r now seeing the result of that, having no insurance, etc... it financially killed us, which emotionally kills me. we foreclosed our home back home, are filing bancruptcy, we lost EVERYTHING in a matter of 1 week due to a family situation on my hubbys side.
i have to say, he was my #1 support when i did into treatment, he went to my meetings with me, and for himself as well. when i talk about the lying, i mean, he doesnt know i really messed up this week..i am also drinking more than he knows...my meetings back at home were a life saver for me....out here, not so much..i wanted it so bad, but there were so many people. with my baby running loose i couldnt stomach the idea of anything happening to her (running out the door) etc. i thought i found my salvation, but i cant handle it if something were to hapen to her because of me. although, i understand i am taking a risk by NOT  attending as well, you know what i mean...i am stuck in quicksand and dont know how to get out. i have gone to counseling here, but even still, with the baby running loose, i could not focus on my issues. i found a daycare provider who just told us she can no longer take my baby after 1 day due to her incoming children.  
that was my only hope. now to reach out for daycare, as well as help, it is overwhelming to me....
i could go on and on, but whew, what a relief to finally talk to someone who gets it...its taken 1 of 1000 bricks off my chest for today, and i truly appreciate that.
thank you for your time

[carson1975]

Your not alone so many of us on here feel the same way!! I have quit and relapsed also it's hard to keep every thing in order when inside I feel lost!! I hope u can find the help u need in your town , maybe your dr can tell u about other meeting that have kid friendly things so u can go ! Things will work out your so not alone!!

[lostandalone0908]

i really appreciate your response, dont know about finding support out here, we are pretty isolated much different than back home, anyway, i am so glad i finally got internet access to come back here.....about my Dr. i dont know, i have spoken with him regarding this and he is more of a "take charge and get it done" type. if you want it you will achieve it, well, as addicts know easier said than done. i think we are his first addiction case, but he was knid enough to help us. back home our Dr would give scripts and sell us more in the back room...so this new Dr was a breathe of fresh air as far as that goes. i wish i could find somethin kid friendly, we are in such a small area we are extremely limited on both meetings and transportation. but i do know myself, when i want the help, and i reach out, its my only hope to achieve a free life..so this is my first step today. and i am so happy to see the support i have gotten already...gosh, its been so long since i have talked to an adult...especially feeling the same way...my world consists of elmo and mickey mouse now..LOL   thank you for your time

[carson1975]

Yea I hear ya about elmo and mickey lol. It must be hard being in a small town but then again it might be a good thing no one to buy pills from. Not sure if u got them off the street before or not but I did and dr's and family and friend there was too many ways to have access ,the funny thing about it all is I worked in a club in my 20's bartering and was offered every thing under the sun and never would touch a thing but now I'm a stay at home mom in my 30's hooked on pill . I did and do some times have pain I have a bad back and shoulder but I haven't hurt in a while but yet I'm still taking pills . I'm trying a taper and have 2 more pills left so I will be done tomorrow !!