question...

[lilolme29]

so I was wondering, how did you all get here?  did you start using for fun or get mixed up in the shuffle along the way trying to manage the pain? were you hiding from something?

I think for me I guess it was a mix of everything.... running from the pain my husband caused me when he cheated, trying to get the headaches under control and taking them daily to feel better, and maybe sneaking one in here and there to 'get a buzz'

yeah that sounds about right, *****... but its about right for me.... so how about you?

[twolve]

Reconstructive elbow surgery..I guess I enjoyed the positive feelings from opiates and I ended up continuing the use of them even after I didnt need them anymore. Eventually I went from percocets (which were prescribed) to oxycontin (from a "friend")....Boy was that a big mistake. Anyway I know it was wrong and I want to badly to have my life back, but it seems like no matter how bad I want it I become so weak during the period of withdrawals that I find myself back to square one all the time..Anyway this time I told my Dad and he wont sit back and watch me continue to use so things are changing fast. It will be a very good thing for me in the long run, but will probably put me in a really uncomfortable situation in the coming weeks..pray for me.

[dochollywood]

Emotional pain, not even physical pain.  A crappy divorce that left me feeling like I was used and thrown out.  Followed by a relationship with a man that lied and cheated.  Multiple times.  I remember being in so much emotional pain, that I just started popping pills and at the time, it seemed like a good way out, a much needed relief from the pain.

They took the pain away allright and they were great for maybe 6 months.  The were good for maybe 2-3 years, but after 4 years, the pills did nothing but keep me from going into withdrawal.  And took my personality away.  And my sex life.  And my true happiness.

Don't get me wrong, I've kept moving, kept productive, done lots of cool stuff, but I was not even the same person.  It's hard to stop though because you have to drop out of life for a while and so my advice to all is to do just that, drop out of life.  Nothing could be better than getting off this stuff.

I notice so many similar things in other peoples posts.  Someone spoke of dreams of running out of pills (or nightmares).  I have had those for a few years.  The panic of knowing I was running out of pills.  The amount of energy I put into procuring pills.  The withdrawals that would come even when I was just taking the same number of pills every day.

[salsinator]

I started taking pills for a neck injury, but long after the injury was gone, I continued to take the pills - then I found out that I could order them right off the internet.  That was awesome for a while because I could get as much as I wanted - but it was very expensive.  Not a good thing though from a legal sense, the feds are really cracking down on that now.  I went on suboxone for nearly 4 years, then in June decided that I was done, had enough.  I went through detox and have not looked back - been just over 5 months.  Life is good clean and sober.

[SuzzQ]

Me and my sons were in an accident in 91 and they put us on pills at that time.  My sons back was fractured and nerve and tissue damage.  I got nerve and tissue damage.  I seemed to feel that I was constantly going through withdrawal lately, so I want to just get off them, since they are doing nothing but making me have more pain and feel absolutely miserable.  I know I am miserable now... but, working towards feeling better takes time... just like it took time to get this addicted to them.. I wish you luck in your endevors... : O)

[SuzzQ]

what does **** mean?

[salsinator]

**** is usually when a word is blocked out by the monitors - usually a swear word of some sort.

[WDsRawful]

my story is the same as everyone else's but i would add how quickly one can get addicted..  it happens overnight...  

[TrayCee]

car accident in 2003

[narla]

I'm a 47 year old female who from the ages of 7 to 10 was sexually abused by my brother who was 10 years older than me.At the time I didn't understand what was happening was wrong in fact I can't say it was horrible it was only as I became older and realized it wasn't normal that I felt the revulsion.I have been through counselling as an adult but found it useless in getting rid of my guilt,He would give me money & candy in my eyes I feel I was a prostitute at 7.I did confront him as a 26 year old,he said he couldn't remember,at least he didn't deny it.I told my parents 2 years later, they didn,t seem to worry about it and it was never talked about again,I don't think they even confronted him,my sister who was a baby at the time just said he never did anything to her and she still loves him,this all happened 40 years ago and I find it doesn't really get any easier.This is why I started drinking at 14 to fog the brain by 26 I started mixing alcohol with codeine and anti-depressants.Just so I could live in my own little world.

[leeisgettingclean]

took one and liked the way i felt and never stoped untill about 91 days ago : )

[keystock]

My husband had a massive stroke @ age 21 I was 23 and he was in the hospital for 5 months with tubes in his head and a treackeatomy and then I took care of him for a yr our daughter was only 2 when it starte he was a full transfer due to being half parilized and he would drop his weight on me when he got mad for whatever reason and he would scream hey sara ALL DAY my beck was already touchy from some car accidents and then he really screwed it up took him to his moms got off xanax and somas and the hydros are my last bit of baggage from his stroke I have a 1yr old now and my new boyfriend is the best thing I could ever ask for and life is great besides these pills which will be gone this yr

[nascarfan2488]

I had 5 back surgeries. But after all my pain was gone the pills were still there. I liked the energy I got from them and the feeling I had on them.

[merrymaria]

started for legit back pain... someone gave me my first few....loved the way they made me feel and wanted more and more.....went to a pain management doc and got a script and took more and more and more...we all know how the story goes.....pills were great friends....but when these friends control your thoughts and life...when they become first something is not right.  i thank God everyday for letting me put myself before the pills.  i have my life back, have plenty of supporting friends, great family, a job where i can function sober and most important is that i feel normal....i never felt normal for almost 4 years...God i wish i would have never taken that first pill...good luck everyone...nice stories....keep fighting the fight....maria... recovering on day 491

[Ella789]

Started in 2003, lung and heart inflamation (inflammation),   resulted in an SLE dx and rounds of pred and lortab.   No one wants to know what I thought abt. addicts at that time.  Sure never thought I would be one but after 5 yrs and many,many pills later,  I am wiser and the good thing is, I don't judge people anymore !!  Alot of things in life can make us an addict, food, sex, pills ect.  Sure am glad I can see things more clearly now.  I hope we all can have a learning experience for as much heck as we have gone through.
God bless

Ella

[dochollywood]

Well,when I commented on my last 2 horrible relationships, it's only a partial story.  It goes back to being a young girl, being molested physically by a teenager  recieving kisses on the mouth from my piano teacher  Eventually told my mother, but somehow she was not phased.  I guess it was a different time where this kind of thing was accepted,  But it does come back to haunt us and our way of dealing in later life.  I'm 46 so you were probably experiencing the same stuff.

I think I need to go back to therapy, but last 2 times were almost useless.  It depends upons having the right therapist, one than can teach you something.  I learned so little, just spent a lot of money.

[Sirius198]

This is my very first time on this site and my very first comment.  I have such a serious problem with vicodin it's ridiculous.  It has been going on for over 4 years and I am in tears right now as I write this.  I'm tired, exhausted, have lost so much over this drug and am scared to death of withdrawal.  I've tried, so many times unsuccessfully.  It just hurts so badly and my mental state of mind is just "to fix it" - get more pills.  I have been reading all the comments on this site for about 2 and 1/2 hours and have decided to respond to you.  I am a successful professional and am at the bottom of the barrel.  I'm done.  I need to be done.  What is Thomas' plan all about?  I have not read it.  I have read on all the nutritional supplements you need for detox and drinking tons of water as well as forcing yourself to exercise.  How did you succeed?

[kim715]

Like many started for legitimate back problems then started running out early.'Borrowing' off of people,buying them,raiding medicine cabinets,whatever I needed to do to feed my addiction.Was turned on to the methadone clinic by one of my former dealers.Stayed on the methadone for almost 2 years.Tried to taper off twice,went back up both times.Third time got down to 25mgs and jumped,been totally clean now,with the help of my family,this forum and meetings for 615 days.

Maria,couldn't agree with you more about the not being so quick to judge others anymore.I never would have thought I would be where I was in my life when I was still using.At one point I was so far down I didn't think I would ever make it back out,but I did and if I can others can too...All the best...Kim

[dochollywood]

Sirius,  I've been where you are, not so terribly long ago.  I'm talking last weekend.  I am also a professional and I don't think my professional career suffered, but my temperament certainly did.  I was getting crabby.

OK, how do you do it.  I was reading these posts months ago trying to get ideasl  I did NOT want to go thru awful withdrawals and so my plan was to taper from 7 pills a day (70 mg hydrocodone, previously at 90 mg per day) down to say 30 my per day and then to try to quit the pills.  Well it's honestly worse tapering because all you do is turn 1 weei of misery into 3 or 4 weeks (or whatever) by tapering.  In the end, the misery is less by going CT, as long as you can taper to a 1/2 way reasonable starting point for quitting CT.

Let me tell you I was so SCARED to stop, thinking there was not a chance inhell I would be successful.  What helped?  I had taken a week off, decided to be alone and not answer phone calls (I do have 2 supportive great dogs) and I just waited for thing to get better slowly and they did.  I had no support, but If I could have had a trustworthy person, I would have engaged them to help.  So pick a realistic quit date which is going to work in your schedule.  It does help.

And remember that most things in life pale in comparison to getting off drugs, so ignore those things.  


I could help with medication advise if necessary.  I forgot to tell you I took the pills for 5 years, longer than you,  I took at most 10 10 mg per day, then in the past year 7 10 mg per day which helped by do CT.

[10356]

Hi Sirius.. How you go about it is like you are going to war on your addiction. it is the enemy it will kill everything you love then take your life.. Confidence a attitude that you can overcome anything.. a desire to reclaim your life your passions to feel. It really is just as simple as making up your mind and riding it out.. speak with your Dr. getting honest with yourself and the ones you love. seek counseling AA NA whatever it takes.. You do not go into combat with a defeatist attitude you go with the drive to come out alive.. Use that powerful mind of yours and adjust your thinking.. save yourself !! This is how you stop.. You and only you have the power to do it.. Make up your mind.. wd off of vics promises about a week of discomfort and a couple more weeks of no sleep.. another couple of months of anxiety and feeling odd but you know what the payoff is.. Your Life Back..Freedom never did come easy.. I wish you the best and Yes you can get it all back.. lesa

[dochollywood]

OK Serius, i think you may be on east coast time and I'm out here in LA.  And I hope you are comfy in your bed and read this tomorrow.

If you are a professional, don't try to put on a pretty face,  Ask for a week of vacation, or personal time or some other type of time where you can still be paid but work on your own self.  It's a good deal for your employer if you come out clean!

Then, don't allow anything to be scheduled that week, no meetings with friends, lovers, etc, unless it's someone you can trust totally with all this.  Otherwise, tell them you are sorry, you have the flu and you must beg out.   they will understand.

Thomas recipe is ok, not what i used.  Guess because i don't like benzodiazepines, they made me feel uncontrolled and loopy, but some people sware by them.  These include valium, xanax, ativan, librium, but watch the dose if you haven't taken these.

Plenty of fluids.  I got myself a good quality B vitamin, whether or not it works, I DID IT ANYWAY.

I started many of my days with a banana/ fresh blueberry/organic yogurt shakes (doesn't have to be organic) and that helps possibly with muscles symptoms .Melons are also very high in potassium.

As far as body aches, I took motrin 800 mg every 6 hours round the clock for 2-3 days then twice a day to once a day as I started to feel better.  Drink with plenty of fluids and you will avoid potential kidney issues that only turn up if you get dehydrated.


Also use Zyrtec (now OTC and generic)  for those annoying sneezes and post nasal drip I got.

Some people try an over the counter treament for restless legs, which is when  your legs won't let you sleep.  It probably has mangesium, possibly calclium and is probably safe.

If you happen to get nausea, vomitting, drink Gatorade (replenishes lost electrolytes)..
compazine cane help if you happen to have it for nausea.

For sleep I took ambien.  doesn't work for all.  Other options benadryl, anti depressants like trazadone or benzo's like Valium.

We are all different.  Some want to be zonked during withdrawl,some want to heal.  I want to heal and I dont' wnat to feel guilty for the rest of my life.  But of course I would like to stay clean.

[Sirius198]

Hi Doc,

Thank you.  Really, thank you.  I'm crying again.  God good I am such a 35 year old hormonal woman.  Post 10356, I can tell you are a therapist or counselor of some sort, so to be honest, I appreciate your kind words yet, I can tell you have not gone through this addiction personally.  I DO NOT want to hear about support groups and listening to God and blah, blah, blah.  I got myself into this mess and I'll get myself out of it.

A game plan is the best Doc.  I have Monday planned as the date and have taken the entire week off from work.  The house is stocked with vitamins (including Vitamin C, Milk Thistle and multi-vitamins), water, gatorade, prepared chicken and fish dishes as well as Immodium AD.  

No more.  CT as I have been reading seems to be the best policy.  The only concern I have with these post boards are that the first post I published seemed to go into some type of "loop" and I am so fearful that the DEA or some other sort other professional establishments are monitoring these sites and I am deathly afraid of losing my job or anything that I have worked so hard for......it has taken me this long to admit this and I will be damned if it is taken away from me through the internet.  

How do we know this site is secure?  I will negate anything that is stated in print and I do not want anything to be traced back to me.  That is really my only fear, but, doc, you seem to be helpful to me........what should I do about my concerns??  How do you feel about these concerns of mine?

[Sirius198]

Well my friend, I am on San Diego time, so, I read your post.  It seems like I am already taking your exact advice.  Good to know I am on the right track.  Thank you.  Really, thank you.  I like the idea of Zyrtec.  I can't believe how much I sneeze!  How weird is that?  I don't get it......why?  Not like I am snorting anything.  That I would understand.  

Anywho, it seems like you are right there with me.  Have you been successful?  How long?  How do you stay from going back?  I think I want to take the first couple of days to sleep, then, I need to get my butt up and exercise like everyone suggests.  I am in good shape, just feel more motivation to workout after I pop a pill.  This is going to be a major lifestyle change for me.  Keep talking to me please.  I'll keep you posted.  Tomorrow is football.  It will be hard for me to make a change like this tomorrow.  Monday I am prepared.

[10356]

Hi again sirus.. sorry you are wrong about me. I have been a addict for over 4 decades a survivor of molestation from I think 7 to 12 when I was raped by my step father I have stage 3 kidney disease with one and hep c with stage 2 liver last I checked. My first love was Heroin.. that I put behind me also crank alcohol and now pills.. I have been clean a lil over a year.. so you see I do know a little of what I speak.. respectfully lesa.. Oh yes I find it disrespectful to bring god into things when I never mentioned him in the first place.. take care..

[kim715]

Glad you found a connection with dochollywood,it helps to have someone you feel comfortable talking with.
As far as 10356 goes.You should go to her profile and take a look at her posts and any journals she has up.You will find that as far as 'going' through addiction personally,she has gone through a lot more then most of us here have.Shes kind and compassionate,supportive and has a wealth of personal knowledge about addiction as well as recovery.We consider ourselves a support group here and the majority of us who have some significant clean time under our belts,are still here because we realize it's virtually impossible to do it alone.
I'm sure dochollywood will address your concerns.Good luck to you...Kim

[Sirius198]

I truly, really, sincerely, deeply apologize to you Lesa.  I really did not mean any disrespect and I am very sorry for my rude comment.  I agree, you mentioned nothing of God and I wish I could erase the above commentary.  Thank you for your insight Kim.  I am obviously getting irritable about the upcoming events that I am about to endure.  Again, I have no one to blame but myself.  I want nothing more than to have a support group and I did not mean to have this start off with a mean, b****chy comment from me.  PLEASE accept my apology.  I wish all of the horrible things that happened in your life Lesa, never occurred......I'm just so sorry.

I am going to need this site for support in the upcoming days and I am thankful that I finally took ownership of my addiction and reached out.  Please do not turn me away.

Thank you again......

[kim715]

I won't speak for 10356,although I feel as if I know what her response will be,because shes just such a compassionate,open minded lady,and as I said shes been through more then most of us here.Shes certainly someone you want in your corner and I feel blessed to have her in mine.That being said,no one who truly wants help ever gets turned away here.Again,good luck to you...Kim

[10356]

We would never turn you away.. I can understand and appreciate where you are..and please do not be sorry for my past I did that enough for the both of us :) I will support you in any way I can as well as the whole forum. it really is a remarkable network for knowledge support and making lasting friends. Thank you for your very kind words.. warmly lesa

[Sirius198]

Thank you Kim.  I really hope that Lesa responds and accepts my apology.  Your kind words really are reassuring.

I'm nervous about reading anyone's stories or including any personal information on myself.  Is this forum really safe and free from any type of detection from an outside source???  That is really the only thing that is holding me back from becoming personal with everyone.  Doc, you still there?

[dochollywood]

Gee I hope these sites are safe.  I would guess they are safe unless you became a massive new media issue that they could donate dozens of people to and they that in the end "Before he took out 25 people with a rifle", this is what he posted.Its not entirely private but nobody will want to see it without a reason.

I certainly hope so, or perhaps I need to be more paranoid.

Of course I have as much to loose as anyone else.

In the sceme of things, I don't think it's our big worry.  
we unfortuantely remain our biggest risks.

Hey I think I made it to day 7.  Never thougth it could be done.  pick a day, leave the distractions behind and start counting.  Each day gives you something more to cheer for.and  hey, a week passes quick.  They physical side of it passes, that is what you tell yourself when it's bad. "and this too shall pass"

[dochollywood]

HAVING TECHNICAL PROBLEMS (MOSLTY I SHOULD JUST TURN ON A LIGHT)

mY GUT SENSE IS THAT SITE IS SAFE UNLESS YOU BECAME A MASS MURDERER IN A HIGH PROFILE cnn CASE.  THEN THEY WOULD SEND THE manpower in to figure out who was invovled.  we are TRYING TO HELP OURSELVES. AND IN MY HUMBLE OPINION, THE ESTABLISHMENT HAD NO BUSINESS FORMULATING A DRUG CALLED HYDROCODONE.  iT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ILLEGAL BECAUSE THE ADDICTION POTENTIAL FAR OUTWEIGHTS THE PAIN PROVENTION POTENTIAL.  i THINK IT SHOULD END UP A CLASS ACTION SUIT.  But as long as I'm actually able to stay away from it, that would be enough for me.

OK, you got your week off and you have your fluids stocked, motrin,zyrtec, perhaps a sleepingaide?  Also a good hot bath or showerl.

As soonas you can, get up and go.  Walk,hike,run,whatver you usually do, start doing it again, it speeds recover.  also give yourself a treat (remember who much you paid for pills), whatever you like.

One thing, go outside and look for the beautry in the world,:  the beach, the flowers, the sun, all the natural colors and music (I got into classical and rock) to remind yourself again of the beaty of the planet off drugs.

[dochollywood]

Today is day 7 and I think i'm close to 100% today,  Life is good.  Life is better.  I did do my hike yesterday, about 1 hour and medium steep, but I usually go 2-3 hours, much steeper.  Whatever, I was just practicing moving again.  Today I will go on a bikeride.  Sorry for the bad typing, I'm usually much better.  I need glasses and have been too lazy to go get a prescription.

Last Sunday was T-1 and I kept on thinking of how I could procure pills just in case I was unable to go CT.  And you know, I could have procured pills.  Probably would have taken 30 minutes, but I kept thinking I was not going to get another week off from work so it just would be such a waste of all my plans.  And also I wanted to know exactly what I was soooo afraid of.

I had this idea that the minute I awoke on CT Day 1, I was going to fly into a panic and cry.  No that didn't happen.  I got up, made myself some tea and waited.  It all eventually came over the next 5 days, but it passed.  And I cried and I cursed myself and couldn't find a comfortable place to lie or sit, but it passed.  And my skin crawled and burned.,  

So Sirius, just give it a chance.  I know you can do it.  Don't put any pressure on youself to do anything or talk to anyone if you don't want to during your WD time.  Just jump in when You are ready (try tapering some before starting, but don't make that a long process) then just jump in and hang on tight.

[Sirius198]

Hey Doc,

I agree.  I think this site is fine.  We are trying to help ourselves.  Not deal drugs for crying out loud.

Okay.  I am ready to do this.  I told work I was going to take either this week or next week off.  Either week will work by my boss.  He told me if he sees me tomorrow, then he knows I'll be out the next week.  I'm so damn scared and I have JUST within the LAST day starting thinking about this.  I think I need to prepare myself a little more.  Mentally at least.  There is nothing I can do about the inevitable pain.  I do have xanax to help with sleep.  I think I am going to utilize it.  I don't have a problem with them and actually really don't like them.  They just knock me out - which is what I really think I am going to need.

I also drink like a fish.  I'm hoping that that might help with the misery part?  I don't want to give up everything I enjoy in my life.  I really like wine and how it makes me feel.  Do I have to give up everything?  Can I still drink?  Drink water and gatorade during the day (I have tried to detox before and I am NOT HUNGRY at all).  The thought of food makes me sick.  I am in shape and a pretty healthy person.  When I get depressed or something is not good - I don't eat.  I'm also going to need the ammodium ad like there is no tomorrow.  I just hate the non stop sneezing, yawning, the chills, the aches.......f*******.  This is going to suck so damn bad!

BUT - it MUST be done.  It MUST be done.  You are right about the money.  I have spent so much money on these damn things, if I add it up through the years, it would easily, easily be over 20K.  No joke.  Not kidding at all.

I need your support doc.  I'm going to start a new question and direct it to you.  I'm signing off for now.  My chargers are playing and I must focus.  I really like your energy and attitude doc.  I hope you don't mind me adopting you for support.  I just feel comfortable with you.

I agree with getting out to see the beauty.  We live in Cali baby.  The most beautiful state in the US in my eyes.  The mountains, mother ocean, good god, I LOVE my city.

Thanks Doc, talk to you soon (a couple of hours).
T

[dochollywood]

Damn I just wrote a whole post and it vanished into thin air.  Maybe it will post and you won't think I am just blabbering on and on, just a another glitch to typing in the dark.

Anyway tomorrow I go back to work, though I sent a number of text messages arround stating that I had swine flu (THE MOST PREVALENT FLU IF YOU HAVE GOT THE FLU).  Waiting for a response that states. "don't come back yet".  

I HAVE BEEN OFF FOR A WEEK NOW.  succeeded in what I set out to do.  You know, can't stress enough to the working gal, if you need to get off this stuff, you gotta take the time off.  You can't try to do it at work, maybe if you only used 3 months you could do it, but anything amounting to years of daily use, you are going to need a week off.  This swine flu is EVERYWHERE.  ER ROOMS DON'T TEST FOR IT ANYMORE, THEY JUST HAND U THE TAMIFLU AND TELL YOU TO STAY AWAY FOR A WEEK SO IT'S AN EXCELLENT WAY TO STOP DRUGS.  KEEP THIS IN MIND.
fever plus cough plus body aches = swine flu but you need to be seen within 48 hours if you want the tamiflu.

Just a handy piece of advice.  
Anyway, I've actually made it thru a week of this and it's dooable.  Fear is your only enemy because it passes quickly.  Sirius I was a nervous wreck last Sunday, and you just take it a day at a time.  Stay home, feel crappy, count each day that passes as if it's a gift to you.  Do it when you can girl.  And if you have trouble, hey, we are human.  As I told you, the FDA made a mistake (since none of them self tested the drug) and authorized something in which bad outweighs good for the masses.  Do they really know what they did?  They seem to be aware and want to pull the tylenol out of the drug now since people are massively abusing, but they messed up to begin with on this one.

I still want to hear from you.  Remember if you do decide to quit this week, go out an smell the fresh air and look at color, even if you are weak.  hang in there girl!  And if you wait a week or so, that's cool.  No pressure.