relapse policy

Disclosure: the following is only my opinion and does not necessarily reflect the opinions of others.

When one of our members relapses I truly do hope that they can get back up, bite their lip if necessary and get on with the rest of their lives.  Those of us who give support to others to be very careful in just how much comfort you give to those who have relapsed.  Tough love is extremely tough to do as it requires each of us to think hard about what we're about to say, and how we'll encourage that person to regather their "desire" and fight on.  

What may happen is a well meaning person giving a relapsed member so many hugs, flowers and pats on the back that it makes other struggling members crave similar attention.  Does it make any sense to pat someone on the back while they're in the process of jumping off a cliff, or to hand them a flower?  What would make sense?

TO BE CONTINUED

[ScottQuit021907]

We are addicts - real live honest to goodness drug addicts!  If one among us relapses and starts again injecting heroin into their veins, do we pat them on the back and tell them that "it's ok", "don't worry about it," "it's just a little slip, nothing big," "you just keep slippin and we'll just keep huggin ya each time you come back," "hey, we all slip every once in a while, it's just part of life," "it's NO BIG DEAL! "

I'm here to tell you that it is a BIG, BIG DEAL!  Our addiction could end up killing some of us! If the person who relapsed didn't learn ANYTHING from their relapse except that it brings a massive amount of comfort and hugs, THEN THAT PERSON IS DESTINED TO RELAPSE AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN until they get tired of trying and throw in the towel.  If we fail to learn from our mistakes, we are destined to repeat them.

"Tough Quit Love" seeks to get the person who relapsed to learn from their relapse.  Is a two day quit even a serious quit attempt?  Isn't something wrong with this picture?  Does the two day quitter really want it badly enough?  What was their motivation?  How strong or weak was it?  What will it take to keep them going?  How can we help fuel their desire?  What's it going to take to get them to quit? Are we asking the right questions?  Is our concern genuine if all we do his comfort them to the point that we make them and others feel that it's no big deal to relapse?  How many more quit attempts do they have left in them before they give up and simply wait on bad news to arrive?  Do we want to be part of the solution or part of the reason for their eventual demise?

Imagine a few hundred quitters seated in a circle in a very large room when all of a sudden one of them quickly pulls out a bottle and throws a handful of pills into his mouth. How will the others react?  Most are strong but a few are really struggling.  What should be said?  Do hugs really seem appropriate?  Unless we are very careful we can send a terrible message to those teetering on the verge of relapse themselves. It may be that the two most important posts that we'll ever make here are to the member crying out for HELP and to the member who has just relapsed.  Please take a moment now to reflect on how you'll respond. Brotherly and sisterly love can make a difference here but only if wrapped in truth.

Be bold, brave and caring enough to come to the board, post a quick HELP, and reach for your online support family BEFORE reaching for drugs!  When a family member reaches for drugs before giving us a brief chance to help ease their troubled mind, it can feel like a hard slap in the face. They enjoyed our support but they failed to understand what the word SUPPORT means.  To be too proud to post for HELP but courageous enough to post a relapse is the product of a JUNKIE thinking mind! If you want for us to hug you, support you, and make you feel good about what you've just done, then be honest and do the right thing!  Promise yourself NOW that instead of running straight for those pills that you'll come here and give us a few minutes first.  If you don't, we have a right to be upset!  We don't need to hear how there was no computer around.  You can find us when you want to - just bite your lip and head in the right direction!

One other important point that causes great distress.  You need to know in advance that there is NEVER ever any justification for putting drugs back into your blood. Someone may return after relapse and do their very best to sell us on the belief that their relapse was justified.  Their mind's excuses for ingesting drugs will sound extremely stressful, horrible or even painful. Some will almost dare you to think that you could have gone without relapsing under the same circumstances.  The sad part is, we can't let them leave us with the false belief that there are times when relapse is justified. Instead of admitting that their reasons were not justification for ingesting drugs, they'll post and then fight to the death to defend their use of drugs.

It's important to remember that something MUST change in the mind and thinking of the relapsed person if their next quit is to be successful.  Tremendous energy can be expended during the first few days of recovery.  Early withdrawal can be draining.  A rapid cycle of defeats can be extremely demoralizing.  If their resolve is no stronger tomorrow than it was yesterday then the result will be the same.  

Tough love is blunt and honest but it doesn't mean that we're rude, cruel or that we intentionally hurt someone's feelings.  Tough love means that we make these folks think, learn and become motivated to go the distance, not to give up.

[DAnthrope]

Does it make any sense to tell them they are a FAILURE because they don't do it your way, when they're on that cliff?  Does beating them down further help any?

What if, just what if, they don't buy into the notion that some higher-power (that YOU believe in, but THEY do not!) has ALL the power over the addiction and they have NONE.  What if they don't buy it?  Is that a reason to beat them down and call them failures?


/D

[ScottQuit021907]

JMHO, but there is no "my way" or "your way" or "his way" or "her way" when it comes to quitting a drug addiction. There is only 1 way to quit and that is to stay quit once you are quit. Period.

[girlybuff]

I have to step inhere and say a few things.
I think you are confusing some things about program.
AA/NA does not say that YOU do not have the power and that GOD does, it's simply asking you to do one thing, SURRENDER.  Since NONE of us have had the ability to be clean and stay clean ON OUR OWN, when you SURRENDER to a Higher Power, that pressure to do it ALONE is taken away from you.
For MANY MANY MANY people, including myself, it's a great pressure weight ifted knowing I can depend on someone else, something else.  
There are a few different types of alcosholics (addicts), but when you're a REAL ALCOHOLIC (addict) NO HUMAN POWER CAN RELIEVE YOU of your bondage.
You may have periods of sobriety and you might actually stay clean forever BUT if you are as destitute as some of us were/are, GOD Is the only one who can help you.
So, if you can do it on your own and don't need to surrender to a Higher Power, that's fabulous for you.
Most people cannot say that.
My Higher Power by the way is GOD... may you find him now.


By the way, I'm not angry, I just needed to stress a few things you seem to be misunderstanding about program.

[girlybuff]

And just one more small note...
Step one says We admitted we WERE powerless... meaning we now have the power because we've seen the light, whatever that light is to you.
So, once you've become clean and decided to live a CLEAN life of sobriety in all your affairs not just abistinence, only then can YOU have the pwer back.

God Bless!

[texasrebecca]

If I was to relapse and told you guys on here, that I did, and you were to tell me, that I was weak and didn't want to be clean bad enough, then I would never post here again!  I come here for support.  If I wanted my fellow addicts to beat me down because of a mistake or a moment of weakness, then I would have shared my addiction with my family, or gone to rehab for it. Instead, I come here because of the positive way ya'll think, and the uplifting I get.  I would NOT need ANOTHER lecture from anyone telling me that I was too weak or that I didn't want it bad enough!  I like the way things are done around here just fine.  THIS way gives me HOPE for my addiction, and if I screw up, I feel like I CAN share it with all of you without being judged. Judging is what the rest of the world does already, so can we on here, leave the judging to the rest of the world, and just support each other?  I'm pretty sure this is what keeps most people coming back!

[A man of faith]

When I first cut down from 200 to 100 patchs I actually took a couple pain pills, and felt I was simply a failure.
However through Lady sundown, fladdict, and many many others I've continued where now at least I'm down to 75's with out any extra help or pain pills.
There is a responsability we each have to take for ourselves.  And it appears most people on here are trying to change for the better.  But again this forum is great, and I appreciate it.  
Truth with a portion of love is the best.  Truth with anger; hostility; or even judgement can be offensive.