relapsed and confused

[fedup4now]

I have been clean from Oxy, and alcohol for 7 months - I was trying to figure out how to taper off tramadol.  But now it's all for nothing - I messed up.
My partner suffers from depression, something we have dealt with for a number of years now.  It has been tough - but when doing well, we do great together.  My partner is bright, caring, energetic, funny - has a great job, great family.  It is  good 80% of the time - we have our moments - but work through things.  But the dark times have become worse over time - ending with a number of trips to the hospital.
The other day I came home to a mess - there was blood everywhere - I couldn't even tell where it was coming from.  So to emergency we went.  It is never directed to me - it is all self injury, and self hate - my partner has been going to therapy, on medication and was doing well, we were in the midst of looking for a new home with a pool - the last "episode" was over a year and a half ago.
I just went numb - did what I had to do to get to the hospital - but while I was waiting, I was arranging to hook up.  We were sent home, after sedation and stitches - the file at the hospital is large - they don't keep you over night if you have someone to go home with - you are just instructed to contact your Dr and therapist etc
So for the last few days I have been using and drinking - I am so overwhelmed.  We have good friends and family - but no one knows about this part of our lives - like my addictions - I am alone in this.  I don't think anyone would even believe me if I told them - my partner comes across so relaxed, funny, plays tons of sports - just not someone you would think would suffer to this extent - it is way past depression.
I do not know what to do - I can't take this anymore - but the idea of leaving someone who is sick, and trying so damn hard to get better, someone who I love - we have been together 13 years, and they are still my best friend.  I wouldn't leave if it was cancer that was taking us to the hospital.
I am just numb, I haven't slept in days, I am strung out, hungover.  I need more stuff but can't leave my partner alone - I am just about losing my mind.
I know I am rambling on - but I've got no where else to dump this.

[gizzy32]

think you know that numbing yourself out is not helping and only adding to your problem right now. as addicts we always tend to numb ourselves instead of dealing with pain, but time and time again it can bring us back to where we never want to be again. you have 7 months, that was a huge accomplishment, but right now you have to do the right thing and that is to get some rest, clear your head, but most of all put this bump to an end. im sorry you are having to deal with all these things right now, but you need to be strong and have a clear mind. numbing yourself is not the answer and you know that. glad to see you post, but damn you can't continue this binge. you owe it to yourself and your partner. have you been taking oxy's again too????

[CadillacJack]

Get yourself healthy first. Then seek serious help for your partner. If that doesn't work, well you've got to be able to live your own life. Some things you have to do really suck. Hopefully, your partner can receive help. If not, are you going to keep this behavior up, or get clear of it, so you may have a clean life?
All the best

cj

[worried878]

sounds awful...to walk into something like that...i agree with cj and it may sound selfish but what good r u to ur partner if u sink into the dark life again...u will be no good to that person nor for urself.... if u feel u need to use to cope with this relationship then it is time to pack your bags...i was in a relationship when i quit that i could only tolerate if i was using...i did not know this until i was clean...the only way i can date him is "stoned"   doesnt sound good and would u tell me to stay with him if i needed to use in order to do so...probably not

[Downey]

I'm sorry to hear your having so many things going on in your life at the same time. It doesn't seem fair. If I was in your shoes I would probably have a stiff drink too. The sad thing is it doesn't change anything. Sounds like your husbands needs to seek professional help in the worst way. Does he see anyone for his problems?

Being off oxy's and booze for 7 months is a good thing so don't feel that because you slipped up because of extreme pressure that it was all for nothing. It sounds like you are on the right course in getting your problems solved, now if you can only get your husband some help I think you guys can make it. I know this is so much easier said than done.

Take a deep breath and try to stay off the oxy's and booze because they won't solve anything and are just a quick fix to make you feel better for a little while and you know that.

Jules

[kim715]

btt

[lilyput]

7 months clean is a wonderful accomplishment! it wasn't for nothing!

you might try going to an NA or AA meeting. vent your concerns about your partner there. i agree that it sounds like codependency - my hubby is going to al-anon and he says it is helping him a lot in regards to his worrying about me and my son. (my son also abuses substances) you might try an al-anon meeting if you don't like AA/NA.

you alone are responsible for your sobriety. only you can make the decision when it's time for you to get out of a situation. i wish you abundant strength and many blessings...

lily