Aa
should I just give up
My husband is addicted to cocaine, I didn't know how bad it could get till last year. For a year now he has been running the streets because I kicked him out. I thought he was just smoking crack, but later he confessed that he was also shooting up and doing meth. For the past year I have been telling him he needs to go to rehab he, of course, denied needing help. Would call saying he still loves me and wanted to come home, I would tell him the same thing, rehab. He finally asked me to help him get into rehab, what a nightmare that was. No insurance and no money means sorry nobody can help, he went to NA once, that was no help because he had relapsed that day and was high when he went. He is gone, again, missing for about a month and I don't know where he is. I have a funny feeling he robbed a house, strong gut feeling, the house that was robbed was a drug dealers house, not one he knew, but one I knew about...don't ask, long story there, and NO I don't do drugs, that house was a gold mine, not just expensive stuff but also the drugs, I can't prove he did it, but I do know the house was broken into. Anyway, should I just give up on him and move on with my life? His addiction has been long running, way before I met him. He knew how I felt about it, so he hid it from me. He tried to stay clean. He would tell me I could not change him. Is there any hope for him? He's 44 and looks 94 now. I just don't get it, I guess I never will. I know he loves me, simply by the things he did not pawn or get rid of, which were items that reminded him of me, cards, notes, jewlery, our wedding anouncement. Does anybody ever actually recover? Does anybody ever stop using and live a normal life? Is there any hope or should I just give up? I have a five year old, and it's hardest on him, because now daddy is gone and does not love us anymore. What can I do? I tell him as much of the truth as I can without saying everything, I tell him daddy still loves us but daddy is very sick. I am ready to give up and move on, but still have that glimmer of hope, but it is fading fast. I have read about everybodys strugles, will it always be a strugle? can a person recover from this disease, or will it bring them down and everybody that loves them down also? Should I just give up?
The whole rehab process has been a nightmare, he was so ready for help when he showed up that fathersday. I had been praying for it to happen, even though I had gone on with my life, still thought about him but had to move on. I gave up a wealthy doctor in order to help him and put or lives back together. What made things worse was nobody was willing to help unless you had a lot of money or insurance, or (please don't anybody be affended) find salvation thru Christ, he was even willing to go to church every sunday, untill the church run centers asked the question of prior arrest, apparently Jesus Christ doesn't love convicted felons, so they wouldn't take. The more road blocks he ran into the more discouraged he became.
I told him I would start my own rehab center, I wrote the governor, our state legislatures, spoke to people in washington dc concerning funding and research. Do you know how long it takes to get a grant? Forever! I have not given up though, I was telling a friend of mine about what was going on (she's a Dr. married to a Dr.) she strugles with her sons herion addiction, she suggested al-anon, I suggested we get together and open a holistic rehab center. It's a slow process, but hopefully by the beginning of next year it will be open, and free to anyone wanting to quit and seriously get help. No 72 hr. BS about having to be clean, I have researched herbal remedies (can't help it being a massage therapist) and methods of safe detox.
I will continue to go on with my life, I do have a child to raise, and when and if my husband decides to stop his drug dependency, if he's not dead, then maybe, just maybe, he will finally get the help he needs because I wanted to make a difference in this world, not just for him but for those that have had the same problems we had.
He told me once that I was not wonder woman, maybe I'm not, but I am a woman that is wonderful. Being here in this forum has helped me a great deal in understanding the strugle of addiction, and finding ways that I think will make a difference for someones recovery. HBO has a great program about addiction, if anybody wants to check it out you can find it online at their site. I will continue on, cause if I can't find him I can't divorce him, plus I think he is scared to death of me right now, guilt is very powerful. I just pray he is still alive, so I can kick his hinney when I see him. better to laugh then to cry.
Blessings
I told him I would start my own rehab center, I wrote the governor, our state legislatures, spoke to people in washington dc concerning funding and research. Do you know how long it takes to get a grant? Forever! I have not given up though, I was telling a friend of mine about what was going on (she's a Dr. married to a Dr.) she strugles with her sons herion addiction, she suggested al-anon, I suggested we get together and open a holistic rehab center. It's a slow process, but hopefully by the beginning of next year it will be open, and free to anyone wanting to quit and seriously get help. No 72 hr. BS about having to be clean, I have researched herbal remedies (can't help it being a massage therapist) and methods of safe detox.
I will continue to go on with my life, I do have a child to raise, and when and if my husband decides to stop his drug dependency, if he's not dead, then maybe, just maybe, he will finally get the help he needs because I wanted to make a difference in this world, not just for him but for those that have had the same problems we had.
He told me once that I was not wonder woman, maybe I'm not, but I am a woman that is wonderful. Being here in this forum has helped me a great deal in understanding the strugle of addiction, and finding ways that I think will make a difference for someones recovery. HBO has a great program about addiction, if anybody wants to check it out you can find it online at their site. I will continue on, cause if I can't find him I can't divorce him, plus I think he is scared to death of me right now, guilt is very powerful. I just pray he is still alive, so I can kick his hinney when I see him. better to laugh then to cry.
Blessings
Oh my...so it seems you have done all you really can do. I can't believe that bs about being clean for 72 hours. That is like saying ok, see if you can tough it out, more than likely NOT going to happen and they know they will go back to use. Then again that may be just their point. To see if they are serious about committing, specially if it is free treatment. But none the less, I find it cold hearted to do it that way. Has got to be another way around that. So no word from him in a month? That is scary in itself. And places like that, are what makes a addict just say screw it and feel there is NO hope at all. I find it very hard to digest myself right now. I am so sorry your struggling with all of this.
I wish I had more answers for you on how or where to look for help. God, I feel so bad for you and your family.
Did you happen to call that facility back and ask anymore qn's at all? That just really burns my a s s to hear stories like that. I guess maybe I would walk in and say ok I been clean for 72 hrs, let them test him. So what, if it comes back positive stick to the story and say I haven't used! But then again, they probably would still turn him away if they found any traces, but I am unsure if 72hours time is even enough for it to be untraceable. Unsure of that one too.
I guess for you right now, all you can do is sit it out until he comes to you. Unless you still want to file for the divorce, and he is MIA they may just finalize the divorce b/c he is unreachable.
I know how you feel and I am sure another of your fears right now is if you divorce would that send him over the edge. But, no matter what if he is not changing right now, whether lack of a facility or not he will end up hitting bottom anyhow. Either way.
I am sorry that I am not any help. Just trying to give you some suggestions, and at least an ear to listen. If you need to you can e-mail me at anytime.
luv_my_labs at new DOT rr dOT c o m
Have to type it out that way or it will get filtered out. :)
Please keep us posted, and I am sure more will have some advice for you as well. Prayers your way hun.
Tracy
I wish I had more answers for you on how or where to look for help. God, I feel so bad for you and your family.
Did you happen to call that facility back and ask anymore qn's at all? That just really burns my a s s to hear stories like that. I guess maybe I would walk in and say ok I been clean for 72 hrs, let them test him. So what, if it comes back positive stick to the story and say I haven't used! But then again, they probably would still turn him away if they found any traces, but I am unsure if 72hours time is even enough for it to be untraceable. Unsure of that one too.
I guess for you right now, all you can do is sit it out until he comes to you. Unless you still want to file for the divorce, and he is MIA they may just finalize the divorce b/c he is unreachable.
I know how you feel and I am sure another of your fears right now is if you divorce would that send him over the edge. But, no matter what if he is not changing right now, whether lack of a facility or not he will end up hitting bottom anyhow. Either way.
I am sorry that I am not any help. Just trying to give you some suggestions, and at least an ear to listen. If you need to you can e-mail me at anytime.
luv_my_labs at new DOT rr dOT c o m
Have to type it out that way or it will get filtered out. :)
Please keep us posted, and I am sure more will have some advice for you as well. Prayers your way hun.
Tracy
thank you for responding, I guess I should clarify a few things. When I met him I did not know he was an addict, we were married 2 years when he "relapsed". As soon as I found out what was going on I kicked him out, that was November last year, he was not allowed back unless he got help. I was filling for divorce, he would call and say "I love you I don't want to divorce" I would tell him the same thing, Rehab, I even put it in the divorce agreement, was willing to give up spousal support if he went to rehab. He is not the father of my son, he is step daddy, but my son has known him since he was 1, loves him more than baby daddy, he has done more for my son then his biological father has ever done. My son was not allowed to go anywhere with him once I found out what he was doing. In the mean time I tried everything to get him into rehab, I tried twice to get him committed, mental health just laughed said there are not enough beds, a long waiting list to get in, and unless he wanted help, there was nothing they would do. I tried getting him arrested, still running the streets. I went to his family to do an intervention, they wouldn't talk to the interventionest. Finally, on fathers day I get a call from him, he was ready, willing and able. Fine, wasn't sure if he would show up, but had it arranged with a center in Oklahoma, called his dad to help finance it, family has lotsa money, he told me no, was not going to fork out a penny, my husband worked for his dad in family business, apparently instead of helping me get him into rehab they set him up with a place to live, first month rent was due husband skipped out, got the deposit back, sold the furnature and never showed up for work. So his family has now cut him off completely. My husband tried to get into a two year program in NC that was free, did everything they asked him to do and was still denied. We finally found Voc. Rehab, it's free and he can get his GED plus further education. The day of the interview the counsiler asked what his D.O.C. was, he told her cocaine, she shook her head said " that's a hard one, we can understand if you use before you get placed in one of the two facilities, but remember you have to be clean 72 hours or we won't take you" now what kind of help was that. He had been strugling to stay clean and she gives him the "go" signal. He has been MIA since that afternoon. It's been a month and not a word.
I did forget to mention also, that IF he ends up agreeing to go to treatment and wants to get sober. You have to think about if you can be there for him through it all. It will be hard as h e l l , but if he is willing to stop and get the help he needs and have his family back, and you want the same thing...it will take allot of support on your part to help him through. He will need you and your support. So just more things to think about if things do go that way, and I really hope they do for all of you. I hope your son gets his real daddy back and you get your husband back... I truly mean that.
it breaks my heart to hear stories like yours, and the child thinking that "daddy" or "mommy" whomever, does not love them. Or wondering and worrying where they went. It will be an emotional battle for your son as well, if your husband does not get treatment and continues to stay out of the picture. As you know already it is affecting your son.
Sending prayers your way;
Tracy
it breaks my heart to hear stories like yours, and the child thinking that "daddy" or "mommy" whomever, does not love them. Or wondering and worrying where they went. It will be an emotional battle for your son as well, if your husband does not get treatment and continues to stay out of the picture. As you know already it is affecting your son.
Sending prayers your way;
Tracy
I am so sorry to hear your struggles. You did come to the right place. You will read so many posts of how the addict thinks, and how the addict does.
I am sure he loves both you and your child as the man you married. But like Beach said that man is not here right now. It is the addict. I think personally as hard as it will be to do, it is time for that tough love. You are not walking away from him or anything..you would be doing this for your child and yourself and your husband. You can't make him change, that is just the honest to gods truth. But you can help your son and yourself to stay out of the path.
When I said time for the tough love:
You can either choose to walk away and give up. But the problem will still remain. There will be that A) he is still going to be an addict and that will not do your son any good. I would be worried sick to have my child with him at anytime. Who knows what kind of people he is dealing with, who he may already be "in debted" to, etc. Allot of the dealers don't play games if they are as desperate into it as he is, and amount of money owed or what have you. I am not trying to scare you at all, just want you to realize what COULD happen, and right now I think you need to consider the worst. If at all just to get your son and you safe and away from him and his addiction.
I know how hard this all must be for you. I also am a mother and I also am an addict to pain medication. But, from a mothers aspect I have to say to put that foot down, tell him you will NOT allow him back to the home, or around your son until and unless he gets into some treatment.
If you have to file restraining order, then you do it. It is going to come out either way, whether you divorce him or put out a restraining order or he does eventually get treatment that he is highly addicted and on a path to destruction. So either way, keeping it in is not going to help you, your son or your husband.
If he does not stay away, then you call him in. Eventually he is going to have to get some help or you can just divorce him and hope he stays away and I know that is not what you want to hear, and I know you have a child together, but honestly hun nothing is going to make him just stop. If he wants out he will need treatment and extensive at that. He will not be able to just come home, detox and everything will be ok. That is not going to happen hun, it just isn't.
I guess there is no really "easy" way to do this. But, you have GOT to get into a plan of action NOW and do it.
Even if it takes turning him in and fear of your childs safety and your own, it hsa to be done. You have to help your son and yourself, and if that ends up helping your husband great, if not at least you did what you had to do to keep that away from your child and yourself.
personally I would not trust or feel safe in my own home. but that is just me, and how paranoid I am when it comes to that kind of stuff. I have known people who have had someone else in the home addicted to herion and or crack and the dealer/s coming to the home for their money. I will not go into detail. But, Just things to think about is all. But please do something before it is too late.
Worry about your son and you right now. Possible after you know you both are safe, who knows if he knows he is about to lose everything in his life may be enough to make him get the help he needs. But either way, he has to make that decision and admit he needs help, and want it.
Please keep us posted, and I am wishing you all the best and lots of prayers your way.
I will be thinking of you and your family, please keep us posted.
Huggs
Tracy
I am sure he loves both you and your child as the man you married. But like Beach said that man is not here right now. It is the addict. I think personally as hard as it will be to do, it is time for that tough love. You are not walking away from him or anything..you would be doing this for your child and yourself and your husband. You can't make him change, that is just the honest to gods truth. But you can help your son and yourself to stay out of the path.
When I said time for the tough love:
You can either choose to walk away and give up. But the problem will still remain. There will be that A) he is still going to be an addict and that will not do your son any good. I would be worried sick to have my child with him at anytime. Who knows what kind of people he is dealing with, who he may already be "in debted" to, etc. Allot of the dealers don't play games if they are as desperate into it as he is, and amount of money owed or what have you. I am not trying to scare you at all, just want you to realize what COULD happen, and right now I think you need to consider the worst. If at all just to get your son and you safe and away from him and his addiction.
I know how hard this all must be for you. I also am a mother and I also am an addict to pain medication. But, from a mothers aspect I have to say to put that foot down, tell him you will NOT allow him back to the home, or around your son until and unless he gets into some treatment.
If you have to file restraining order, then you do it. It is going to come out either way, whether you divorce him or put out a restraining order or he does eventually get treatment that he is highly addicted and on a path to destruction. So either way, keeping it in is not going to help you, your son or your husband.
If he does not stay away, then you call him in. Eventually he is going to have to get some help or you can just divorce him and hope he stays away and I know that is not what you want to hear, and I know you have a child together, but honestly hun nothing is going to make him just stop. If he wants out he will need treatment and extensive at that. He will not be able to just come home, detox and everything will be ok. That is not going to happen hun, it just isn't.
I guess there is no really "easy" way to do this. But, you have GOT to get into a plan of action NOW and do it.
Even if it takes turning him in and fear of your childs safety and your own, it hsa to be done. You have to help your son and yourself, and if that ends up helping your husband great, if not at least you did what you had to do to keep that away from your child and yourself.
personally I would not trust or feel safe in my own home. but that is just me, and how paranoid I am when it comes to that kind of stuff. I have known people who have had someone else in the home addicted to herion and or crack and the dealer/s coming to the home for their money. I will not go into detail. But, Just things to think about is all. But please do something before it is too late.
Worry about your son and you right now. Possible after you know you both are safe, who knows if he knows he is about to lose everything in his life may be enough to make him get the help he needs. But either way, he has to make that decision and admit he needs help, and want it.
Please keep us posted, and I am wishing you all the best and lots of prayers your way.
I will be thinking of you and your family, please keep us posted.
Huggs
Tracy
Welcome to the forum
I'm sorry to read your very sad post about your husband and the father of your child.......your words that the child is the one that is suffering border lines criminal but I to am an addict of many years and understand how a man puts his wife and kid second to drugs.....
Addiction is such a powerful disease but you have to remember your dealing with an addict now and not your husband your husband is gone.......whats left is the addiction......the addict........
A big part of the problem with addiction is the psychological damage to the person his mind and brain are altered......his thinking and emotions have been changed to fit the addict..........
He no longer thinks like he did with rational thoughts his heart is now ice and getting high is the only thing that matters.......
Helen I was there once or twice he needs a minimum of a six month inpatient drug rehab at least.....he has to be away from the streets the people the life.......
he needs a routine drug free the basics eathing three meals a day again going to seminars education about how he is dying......
In the meantime I want to address to other issues you mentioned
one your kids saftey and well being
two what should you do about your relationship
$$$$ for treatment
As the childs mother your job and main concern here is to protect.......thats the most important
You must do what ever you have to do to protect the child and get the child away from this situation the child cannot rationally understand what is going on with their father and should not have to......
Your relationship was he a good man when you married him or has he always lied to you?
Was he a good man or a funtional scum bag?
Mental health of your state sponsers and pays for detox and inpaient treatment centers......you may have to wait in line while insured and people with money go first but there are monies available for those with no insurance but it does take some research and work on your part to make this happen..
from the bottom of my heart I am truly sorry for your situation but like anybody else with a disease the disease must be dealt with aggressivly are you ready for a long fight eventually he will need your support but right now your not helping and he needs professionals
good luck to you.........
I'm sorry to read your very sad post about your husband and the father of your child.......your words that the child is the one that is suffering border lines criminal but I to am an addict of many years and understand how a man puts his wife and kid second to drugs.....
Addiction is such a powerful disease but you have to remember your dealing with an addict now and not your husband your husband is gone.......whats left is the addiction......the addict........
A big part of the problem with addiction is the psychological damage to the person his mind and brain are altered......his thinking and emotions have been changed to fit the addict..........
He no longer thinks like he did with rational thoughts his heart is now ice and getting high is the only thing that matters.......
Helen I was there once or twice he needs a minimum of a six month inpatient drug rehab at least.....he has to be away from the streets the people the life.......
he needs a routine drug free the basics eathing three meals a day again going to seminars education about how he is dying......
In the meantime I want to address to other issues you mentioned
one your kids saftey and well being
two what should you do about your relationship
$$$$ for treatment
As the childs mother your job and main concern here is to protect.......thats the most important
You must do what ever you have to do to protect the child and get the child away from this situation the child cannot rationally understand what is going on with their father and should not have to......
Your relationship was he a good man when you married him or has he always lied to you?
Was he a good man or a funtional scum bag?
Mental health of your state sponsers and pays for detox and inpaient treatment centers......you may have to wait in line while insured and people with money go first but there are monies available for those with no insurance but it does take some research and work on your part to make this happen..
from the bottom of my heart I am truly sorry for your situation but like anybody else with a disease the disease must be dealt with aggressivly are you ready for a long fight eventually he will need your support but right now your not helping and he needs professionals
good luck to you.........
i personally feel a few things...1st of all you married him right? isnt part of that thru sickness and in health well right now likey oure telling your children daddys sick ok heres why my friend is doing right now...get him over the house to see the kdis... make a phone call and have him bacaracted i dont know if thats spelled right...sorry sounds rough but he needs tough love you have to show them at the courthouse your marriage liscense and they will get a supoena for them to be able do that he will hate it at first but right now he is a deadbeat dad ... but if accepts the help that you FORCED he'll have no choice but to give it a shot i'm sorry its not gonna be easy but i was just curious why did you get with him knowing he was a junkie b4 hand...but thtas besides the point make a move dont be still that is straight torture you have to take action either way by bacaracting him...or leaving him
ok good luck let us know what you did but i would move on it fast cuz it seems like right now you are ready to do one or the other
Josh
ok good luck let us know what you did but i would move on it fast cuz it seems like right now you are ready to do one or the other
Josh
Addicts do recover but on their own time frame, not anyone elses. I hear your hurt, pain and confusion about what to do. I have been in the same learning curve with my daughter and intectually know I can't change another person's behavior, as much as I want to, I can't. I can only change what I do. Learning to walk away and let them figure it out for themselves is the hardest thing in the world, especially when we watch the destruction they cause. Like the ripple in the water, or rather the nasty wake after the speed boat crashed by. Don't get caught up in the wave of destruction. Learn to love from a distance. Hope is always there and generally over time addicts wake up and get the fact they have to stop being an addict. Some take more time than others to get there. Hang in there with hope but stay out of the destructive path they create.
My thoughts go out to you and may you have peace in the path before you.
My thoughts go out to you and may you have peace in the path before you.
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