sitting here crying

[penny1974]

So I'm sitting in my car crying up a storm.  I had my apt with my new Dr. And it was great! I talked and he listened and set me up on a plan. He actually made me feel a little less ashamed.  I see him again in 20 days so he can stay involved and pro active. I'm crying because I'm glad and yet can't understand why I'm sad as well.  I'm a little freaked out about my diagnoses for the visit though (narcotic addiction) I have mixed feelings. I'm ultimately okay with it cuz I know as an adult its what is best. But feeling ashamed and scared and I think I'm even feeling some greif or maybe relieved?  Not sure.  

[ywf27]

Penny I want you to know I felt the very same thing. Its one thing for you to know and completely different for other people to know. I'm a nurse. I work in the health care field...what if my employer found out. What if my future employers found out. I was terrified. As I know you were too but our secrets make us sick. You did the right thing and your doing the right thing by being here. I wish you all the best!!!

[penny1974]

Thank you for all the great responses. I do apriciate the support and glad I have a place to vent.

[penny1974]

I'm not sure how to interpret your post :) but I can assure that I want doing to the doc to (bs) him. It was to cut my source and tapper off under his care. And to have additional support. I did talk to my husband a few nights ago and told him that I may need him to hand out my pills if I find myself week. His response was he loved me and he would help.  I hope I don't ever fall back. I don't want to. I don't know how I can once I'm done with my tapper.  My script will be over and I move on highly better and happier.  That is why I'm learning more about myself and trying to be open and understand more every day.  

[beenclean]

I truly think everyone here has been scared and ashamed at one time or another, I will be the first to say I was and still am, I am very glad I found this forum today, and I think as you may have heard you have done the hard part by taking that first step, now its just day after day, breaking the habit of what yesterday was...today is the first day of the rest of your life and I believe your going to do GREAT ! Its not going to be easy but you will be great.

[Amroke]

You are on to the next part of your journey. This is a good thing! Don't let the diagnosis cripple you. We are so used to addiction being stigmatized. People are starting to take notice that addiction is a disease and that it can happen to ANYONE. FINALLY we are seeing it discussed on main stream media, specifically opiate addiction, it's going to get the attention it deserves. This is a huge epidemic and the way it's approached now will change the way people look at addicts. My biggest hurdle was seeing it on paper. I knew I was an addict but somehow seeing it on paper was just very hard. I was afraid. I still am sometimes. If you find that you keep getting emotional you may need to naturally boost your endorphines. The way I did it naturally was I went on a very scary ride at a carnival!! I know it sounds stupid but it brought up so many NATURAL emotions I was numb to for so long!! It was exhilarating. Everyone is different and you might need to find your own ways to do this without hea producing recovery. I believe a huge part of recovery is doing things that will reboot the chemicals in your brain naturally. Opiates obliterate them. Exercise too! I also am expirimenting with things like potassium for example. Potassium will help muscle cramps, fatigue, foggy brain etc. We lose a lot while we use. So it only makes sense to try to get it back! Some people however are damaged for life. But most of us are redeemable! I wish you the best of luck!

[kyle505]

One additional thing...At dinner on my third day of detox hell (I wasn't eating) I told my wife and kids that I am an addict. Surprisingly, they already knew that something wasn't quite right. They told me, and I quote "we love you, and are here for you, now pass the carrots". That was it. So many come to this forum, and when it is suggested that they tell their secret, most fight it. No matter, it is very important. And finally having "it" out in the open is like a huge weight being lifted. I was one of the best things that I ever did. All the best.
K

[jerry4664]

You knew you were and addict when you went to the doc. no big deal admitting to yourself is part of the battle saying your not an addict and popping pills is the big lie!! one good outcome from the visist is you can BS the doc for more pills if you ever fall back which is waht happened to me so talking to my doc was part of my plan and now its part of yours. CRY if it makes you feel better hell most guys wont admit but I buried myself in a towel screamed and cried for a few minutes when i was done it felt better that happened a few more times but oh well i would eat snails if that was a a way out so crying is pretty natural good luck keep moving forward what has your other half had to say?

[VICourageous]

Penny..I or us have sat back here and watched you grow already and I am so proud of you.
For me I got to the point where I did not care who I told. In a crazy way I was sort of proud of realizing this..the reason why I say this is becasue I now walk closer to my God and can feel myself Spiritually being fed and this is making me a Stronger person as I continue to grow.
As Addicts we do need Support..We have did this our way for too long and ended up in this mess. Besides it is also a Brain Disease that does take time to get out of control for many reason.
Also I had once put in my Journal some info I had found regarding a Grieving spell we go through when we give up our meds. When I really lost my four loved ones lately, I had gone and still going through the same kind of Grieving I did way over a year ago. Of course loosing Loved ones is a little bit different, but it still plays on us no matter what..SO enjoy those new Emotional feeling because now they are REAL and not from a PILL!
Bless

[Bigdaddy1313]

You are awesome. I sent you a couple posts that I guess are private. I didn't know how to use this site but I'm rooting for you.

[penny1974]

Thank you everyone I needed to here that. I an looking forward to pushing forward :). I'm going to end this to have a new beginning. You all are amazing and all the stories I have been reading a month before I joined is what gave the courage to do all of this. And to open my eyes.

[jugglin]

Can I just ditto Meegy?  Tomorrow will be a better day and you will do just fine.  It is hard to hear/admit...but like Kyle said, you probably already knew. We are all in the same boat and here to support you girl! You are doing great and moving forward.  Love that you have a great doc on board and are ready to keep pushing ahead!

[meegWpaw]

Penny, a diagnosis as such doesn't define you.  You're still you!  and the you that you should focus on is the strong, determined, honest person who set you on this course in the first place!   I understand your emotions and mixed feelings.  I think it's only natural.  But you are doing great!  its an admirable thing you are doing and you should be proud of you!  the good person you are!!!  stay strong, stay on track, stay focused!  :)

[penny1974]

Thanks. :) I know I knew, but it's still hard to see it on paper and in my medical file. I knew that they would have to document the appointment. It's just hard. I don't know how to explain it. I guess one feeling I'm having is, it's not like a credit report that drops of your credit after 7 years. It stays with me for a life time. And I know that it's a good thing. I wouldn't have taken this step with the dr if I didn't want things to change.  

[Amandag78]

Yes good comment Kyle.
Penny you will be fine. Stay strong and hold it together : )
We are all rooting for you girl !!!

[kyle505]

I would bet that you already knew that you are an addict; you may have had a hard time admitting it, but the realization was there, sitting and waiting to be put in to words. Now that it's out in the open you can get started doing something about it. Shame is normal, as is being a bit scared. But ultimately it is what you do with all this info that really defines you. You deserve the best; you deserve to be happy and clean. Now go to work on your recovery.
K