so ashamed

[Shauna13]

Im still not sure if im getting this in the right spot but...i have been taking tramadol four over four years for acute,muscle spasms in my neck and shoulder. The last year or so i have been making excuses as to why i need my refil sooner; vacation,etc. The truth is i cant physically or mentally function without them. The dose is 200mg slow release but i dont remember the last time i actually swallowed one whole. I am a mom of an 18 yr old son and a 13 yr old daughter. I have a very loving supportive husband who would do anything for our family, he is such a hard worker...he works out of town through the week and most saturdays so we dont have alot of time together. My work has me working many weekends whuch makes it even more difficult. Thekids and i are very busy amd the thought of not taking my pills sends me into a depression, im certain i wont function. I do get down alot, as it is, bein on my own the majority of time, and count on my tramadol to pick me up. My husband has no idea of any of this, i know he would be supportive but i just cant....im so ashamed of myself. I dont remember what normal feels like. I am here hoping for support thrpugh this. I want to be a normal functioning person again. Last summer i got off them for just over a month. Why didnt i just keep going? I have a prescription for gabapentin....does anyone think this will help with th wd nerve pain. Today i have one 200mg slow release pill left.  Script cant be filled for ten days. Do i split it in four. Take it whole. Take none of it? Any help is so appreciated. I feel,like im on an island alone.

[bewitched_queen]

Don't be sorry sweetie, be strong. You know you are abusing your meds. It's great that you keep your home, husband, kids etc running fine but once we begin taking our meds more than they are prescribed, we are abusing. No one wants to think of themselves as an addict, but yet that's exactly what we are, or what we are becoming. You have a chance now in the next 9 days to go thru this WD period & heal yourself. Please take it. I was prescribed my meds also but because we get a real prescription does not mean we are in the clear. Think about this, I get 150 Norco 10s a month. I've been 100% opiate free for 8 days now. But my prescription still isn't due to be filled until March 1. That's right. Put that into perspective Shauna. I ran out 3 weeks early. Then went and bought off a "friend" then sat and cried because I knew how bad my problem had become. I was even given 30 more free of charge from my children's father, just because he cannot stand to see me sick. I ended up flushing the last 20 of those. Oh how I cried. But it was my time honey. I have a home, 6 children, two jobs and I'm a college student. It can be done. It will not be easy but when you make the decision to really truly be done, the strength will come. I promise. On the day that you decide, I want to be free of this, more than I want to be high then you will do it. You came looking for help didn't you? So did I. I found it here, yes. But even more than here, I found it inside myself. Because nobody here could stop me from actually using. Only I could. And I did. I'm not going back because I know how hard I fought to be to this beautiful day 8. I cherish that. You will too Shauna.{{huggs}}

[Shauna13]

I am thanking my lucky stars at present for the gabapentin. I feel a slight sensation of rls, but as for other physical symptoms of pain, im good. Sneezing quite a bit, cold, feel a little like i am getting a cold, but i have been up and out, and ok.....i know its the gabapentin, because ive been through this before and it was horrible, just like all of your wd symptoms. Yay, another thing to be thankful for, so far anyway. It has been almost 36 hours since my last half pill. Still have the one last pill in my purse, but i havent even looked at the bottle, so far...ugh i feel like im rambling and all over the place. Sorry guys. :-)

[Shauna13]

Thank you all so much. I  am ok, had lots of running aaround to do, kids, dogs, horses lol. I guess i am confused, or just delusional...i figure i keep a gppd home, have a good job, a wonderful husband and kids, and i keep it all together. I am not a strung out episode of intervention, so i cant possibly be an "addict", right? Yet basically every month i am out before my refil, sometimes two weeks. Every day i say i just need an extra because my pain is high from a a rough day at work, and i have so much to do still, ill just take an extra to give me the energy i need, just today, and back to directed doses tomorrow, makes sense, right? Makes sense to the addicted mind, right? Is that really what i am? Gosh this is so hard

[bewitched_queen]

Shauna  are you okay? Im worried about you & I really want to help you if I can. Please let us know you are alright.  There's very real risks to your WD of tramadol sweetie. Everyone here is wonderful and will support you so much, if you will only let us =)

[bewitched_queen]

Yes it makes sense but thats your addiction speaking. Its also yet another reason to continue using. We will justify it anyway we can. It's easy to refill your script in ten days and carry right on being an addict, but it takes guts to fight for your life back. I literally felt my addictions shadow fall over my soul, that's when I ran like he!! I had to. I knew right then it was do or die. Maybe literally. But definitly I knew it was either,  be willing to lose everything I really cared about in life & choose my pills, or choose to keep what I cared about & get away from something that wanted my whole body, mind and soul. My children deserve the best I have to give, not a pill. I turned on those evil a$$ pills, just like they turned on me. That's how I'm 7 days sober. I flushed them and focused on getting myself out of the hole I threw myself in. You can too. It's why you came here :)

[bama88]

it all makes sense...your all twisted around right now. confused and scared...and i know that feeling. i hold the patent on that one...so here's my two cents. you've have to go 10 days til next script. oh i feel for you...but you've done it before..so why not just do it and no more  tramadol. if your forced to go thru detox...why in the heck go back? the pain will actually subside in two weeks. maybe three...this is what i did ok?

i told myself i will try to get 90 days off the pills. not forever. just 90 days. so i could see where my pain levels were truly at...forever is too long of a time in my mind. forever is permanent...so i set a goal for 90 days. and guess what? my pain levels came down until i tore my acl. yep...i slipped across parking lot. and went that hurt to say the least...so i had to get another surgery feb13. but i promise you the pain wasn't as bad until that. only me. and just had right knee replaced. and now need the left knee replaced. talk about frustration. anyways i challenge you to 90 days...you just might like yourself again. i do. you also might love life again..i do. and if at 90 days you still hurt...well the pills are not going anywhere...so what do you think about that ? want to take the bama challenge? you'll have 10 days to decide.

[Shauna13]

Btw i meant tylenol 2 lol...i think i only said 2...i do want to be done. Done for good. How can i be so smart yet so stupid? You think the seizure would have been enough????  Its like i feel like real me, not opiate me, isnt good enough. Does that make an ounce of sense?

[Shauna13]

Omg thank you so much...again im in tears lol. Your support means everything. I honestly havent looked into myself deep enough to understand my fears. I think the pills sort of prevent you from truly feeling much of anything.  I am most definitely afraid of the pain coming back, i am also scared i wont be able to accomplish as much and be in such an energetic mood without the pills. I mean obviously i was able to before i ever took these pilks, but i cant remember how that felt. I am definitely grateful to have found this site, and appreciate all support.  I want to be able to help someone as well, but right now i feel so selfish, look how many "I's" ive typed lol.
So i just now had my shower, have the day off....not feeling to bad....some sneezing, and coughing, and short of breath....weird. But knock on wood no spasms...yet. Not completely lethargic, but certainly not the tramadol energy im used to. I also have tomorrow off, and if i do feel worse i may be able to call off sunday.  Would love to be able to have a week or two off right now to get through this but thats not likely. Did you work while you went through your wd's?

Hugs, s

[bewitched_queen]

Sorry bama... I didn't see your post b4 I posted & definitly listen to bama, she's wise, loving, smart & an old soul :)  {{huggs bama}} lol

[bewitched_queen]

Aww Shauna. Listen to Margaret (snakejones) & littlebit & everyone here. We want to help you and will support you but only you can decide to stop. Really stop. Not WD for days until your script is filled & then start your hell back over again but truly stop. Do you want to live or die honey? It's really pretty simple as that. This is the chance you're taking. Of course you feel as if you can't live without them...we all did. You must have been scared & not wanted this addiction to continue. So fight it with everything you are. It really is a fight for your life Shauna.

[bama88]

hi shauna....the gabitrontin is helping with your withdrawls....it helps so i heard...so hopefully that will help ya out some. also get the stuff for the Thomas recipe. and the tylonal 2 will help some. i have no experience with tramadol. i do have knowledge of addiction and withdrawls....just insert oxycontin instead of your drug. and i know what its like to detox just to wait for another script. i will say its brutal on your body to wait for another script.. i did that for years. i was hooked on pain pills for 8 years. yikes...

i know your scared i was. what's your biggest fear? mine was ALL my pain would come back and then what...i also knew one day id have to stop. but how? i wrestled with those thoughts for so long i got burned out...and then i was burned out from detoxing withdrawing every month and surrendered to the pills....that's when the horror cranked up to a nightmare...instead of waiting it out i would go out and score more pills...15 bucks a pop..and then i lost my car...and that hurt. i walked in shame the last year of my addiction. ugh ...then i found this forum. and everyone helped me. total strangers helped save my life...i flushed all my pills on Nov15...i flushed a months pills away. then i got mad. went physco for a bit lol..but now im so much better...and now i can help you...i am extending my hand to help you stand up. brush away the dirt and support you..i may Say some things you don't want to hear...but i do it out of love. i want everyone to get clean answer stay clean....i will joke sometimes i will give cyber hugs...i will tell ya what i went thru...and am always around. i carry everyone around via my phone...and just had another surgery Feb 13 so i have alot of free time on my hands until march 22 when i go back to work...so until then im here 99% of my waking hours. other than physical therapy and other things. lol. sometimes i forget to log off..hence it appears im always on lol...and this place is where you need to be..if your addicted to any substance. and even if you go back on the tram...please stick around. it helps. it may save your soul too... happy to meet you...you have a friend in bama

[Shauna13]

Thank you for replying. I am terrified to tell anyone...maybe you said it best....if i tell then i really cant go back. I dont have wd symptoms too bad right now, just my eyes are blurry, my head is a little foggy, and im tired lol, but no rls...yet anyway. I have started sneezing however. I want to be off and stay off for good this time, i dont know if i should just continue now cus it has been more than 24 hours, or just cut up the last tram...stupid, right? I dont suppose taking a couple 2 would be ok? In place of the tramadol to help? I got severe wd symptoms last summer when i got off for a month, so i am definitley scared.

[littlebit667]

I have been addicted to pills for many years and am on my second time to get off this year.  I stopped in Sept. and relapsed and am back to being clean 19 days.  I do not know about tram, but I do know addiction.  What is working for me this time is that I TOLD my adult children (31 and 29) and my husband AND my doctor!  Telling the doctor was hard as I still have some chronic pain and have now taken away all my options for pain control.  But we are working on a plan.  I was never able to taper.  I do know that is best for tram.  Have you considered telling your doctor to get a plan??  It is a thought and it took me months to finally know I had to do that.  Perhaps there are other pain options and withdrawal options.  My doctor gave me an off label medication to help with the heebie jeebies and the "opiate" disturbances to the body or the trots as I call them.  Keep close and keep posting it does help!

[Shauna13]

I too have to get ready to head out for a few hours...hoping to continue to avoid taking that last pill.  Havent been addicted to anything before, but it might beworth noting I have a long history in family of alcoholics, going back generations. I guess im not as different from my family as i like to believe. Same, only different. Dont get me wrong, im not disrespecting my family, i guess part of me always has thought aha! It didnt get me...the alcoholism. I used to be a energy filled positive, uplifting person. I still am, but now i dont believe i can be without the stupid pills. I cant remember what normal feels like. Im not even afraid of the pain for which the drug was prescribed anymore. I just want to be me. Opiate free normal me.

[Shauna13]

Thank you

[snakejones]

Shauna, I have to go out for awhile--I will write to you later this evening. Please keep posting this afternoon, because it will help us to know you better. I'll read those posts before I write to you tonight. Hang in there sweetie!  xox

[Shauna13]

Im a blubbering fool right now, Margaret lol. Your words really hit home. So, you yourself used tramadol? How long since you last did? Any words of advice while i ugh....detox....i cant believe im speaking abot myself using the word detox...reality sure is kicking my butt. I am a developmental support worker, and i really need to keep positive and energetic, not just for my family, but the people i support. It feels so strange reaching out for help, i am a caregiver by nature, by trade, so this is all excruciatingly difficult and painful. I still dont know what to do about that one last pill sitting alone in its bottle in my purse....oh and the tylenol 2's...thank you again

[snakejones]

Oh, honey, I'm sorry--I wouldn't hurt you for all the world, except this is a matter of life and death. I'm an RN and seen many seizures. (Yes, shameful as it is, doctors, nurses, and other medical professionals abuse tramadol, me included.) And a few, if they hadn't been in the hospital already, would have died, simple as that. You have too much to live for with that loving family. Don't make them bury you due to a tramadol seizure.
I hope you will not fill that prescription----however, you alone must decide that. But most importantly, I hope you will stick with us for the next 10 days while you detox. There's someone to talk to 24/7 here, and this is a close-knit group. We've been through hell together. Our kind of insight is the real thing, born out of pain. Our sympathy really means something, as does our scoldings when warranted! Don't be ashamed--that's one of the strongest triggers to use/abuse your drug of choice. Just stay with us and give the forum a try. I wish you health and happiness---Margaret

[Shauna13]

I also have tylenol 2. Used for breakthrough pain. Ugh. There it is. But so far today i have only taken gabepentin, as directed. The one tramadol and the bottle of tylenol are in my purse. Seriously....do i just toss them? Im so unsure, but i will say, i havent had a wd symptom yet that is unmanageable and my last tramadol dose was half a 200mg slow release at noon yesterday....i normally would have more physical symptoms by now....maybe the gabapentin is playing a role?

[Shauna13]

Ah....well since im putting it all out there....jan 2011yours truly had a grand mal seizure out of the blue:'(  hence the gabapentin....ugh yup pretty ashamed. I do want to be done. I do. Be mean, tell me like it is....cus a small part of me still belives ill get that next refil and use as directed. PS.....ive cried reading every response today, an nearly logged off when you mentioned seizures....thinking that my anonimity was blown lol

[snakejones]

Hi, sweetie, welcome to the forum. Many people here, including myself, have abused tramadol. Alone on your island? Ha! We could populate a small country!
I have a theory that one of the reasons you are experiencing depression is that tramadol has a strong antidepressant effect as well as the pain relief. When you run out early each month, you're on a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows. You're going to be out for 10 days, anyway---might as well jump. Have you ever been addicted to anything else? That will also give you a clue what to do. One other fact: too much tramadol can provoke a grand mal seizure, and you could die. If you're alone and eating a sandwich when it hits.....
Hope you'll stick around, even if we make you mad! I am very, very glad you are here.

[Shauna13]

thank you laurel. And i apologize...i do know how to spell lol im just getting used to this touch screen tablet lol. I do think tapering is best, but i dont have that option with only one little devil left an ten days to go before refil. I am praying that the gabapentin will help me because i will have to go cold turkey:-( but i need to function and im terrified.

[Shauna13]

Thank you so much for responding. I have reading threads and feeling sorry for myself because i didnt get a response. Lol mommys little buddies....right. Thats hpw i feel...like they help me be a better mom, wife,worker,etc. It is a joke. The craziest thing is that i acrually believe these things enhance my life. I have a script at the pharmacy for 90 pills ready in ten days. At first i was honestly thinking that i just need to get thrpugh ten days, just ten days...and promising myself to take them only as directed...yup that was my plan, is my plan every time i get a refil. Ugh. May i ask ypu, does your spouse kknow. Or family or friends. I am just beyond myself with shame and cant bear the thought of sharing. I am profoundly grateful to have found this site. You are day 7? How have you done it, have you had help in the form of other meds? How do you keep your energy level up, and your mind clear and focussed?

[laurel453]

Hi, welcome here :)

you are at the right place and we will support you but as i have no experience with tramadol i will give a shout to someone who can help you here because i think that it is better a slow taper with tramadol and don't get discouraged, you can do it too again