so frustrated and depressed

[soaddicted]

soo i really thought i was going to do this and get off these pain pills, did it happen yea for 1 day!! what is wrong with me, why wouldnt anyone want their normal back?? why cant i beat this, i thought i was stronger?? is it possible to just be an addict and you latch on to whatever? i know that question is kinda confusing, here is what i mean.. when i was 14 i became anorexic, a year later i became bulimic.. i was bulimic for 12 years, then i started pills and stopped being bulimic. its like i find something and become obsessive with it... does that mean i just have an addictive personality???

[soaddicted]

I love getting feed back and it honestly helps me.. so thank you for caring enough to write me! Also I can't wait until the day that I can be clean like you and others. I need all the support I can get until I'm able to get the nerve to tell my fiance... thank each of y'all again!

[ImDONENoMore]

I know how you feel.  Madtram has been a member for some time now and her advice has always been invaluable to me.  She really knows what she's talking about and it's so great that she was able to help you too.  If it wasn't for all of her informative posts about the horrors of tramadol I don't know where I'd be right now.

Good luck to you - and hang in there.  Unfortunately relapse is too often a part of recovery.  As long as you're learning something thats really all that matters right?  Stay strong I'm cheering for you! :)

[soaddicted]

Thank u so much madtram! That information is really helpful and I'm going to look online at that website and get started in that direction and see if I can't get myself fixed. I'm sooo tired of living with this secret and that's where a lot of my anxiety comes from is knowing knowing how sick I really am. You really did make my day with this useful info THANK YOU madtram and everyone else..

[madtram]

I think you may also really benefit from cognitive behaviour therapy.  If it's not available in your area, you can work through the therapy online at http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

There is evidence that many people who develop eating disorders as teenagers have an imbalance of serotonin.  This could be why tramadol which contains a serotonin reuptake inhibitor is particularly attractive for you. Coming off tramadol also commonly causes rebound depression and/ or anxiety.

Everyone else's suggestions are very worthwhile but it is also possible that your brain is naturally low in serotonin & may benefit from some enhancement.   Once you have stopped taking the tramadol, you could try St John's Wort or 5htp.  The antidepressant effexor has the same effect on serotonin as tramadol but does not include any opiate.

I hope you find something that works for you.

[vantart]

Thanks for the friend invite, nomorepills. Glad to hear you will seek out some therapy./help
Least we forget, this is not a moral issue. This disease attacks us at every level, physical, mental,emotional, spiritual, relational, financial, you name it.
Even our will to live is under attack.
"Without help it is too much for us". It has taken down a lot stronger, richer, famous,
more confident people than myself. many of them. The good news is we have a chance
today to turn the other way. Of course the enemy is going to keep at us. Its loosing us,  so it puts on full court pressure. This is why its so important to bound together with others.
Together we stand. Alone we die. Thats the harse reality.. Are there AA or NA meetings near you? Something happens to me in those rooms I can only blame on God and I am not a religious person. The answer is spiritual they say.

[nomorepills66]

Humiliated is the perfect word. I hated the way he looked at me afterwards but after I realized he blamed himself and felt like he failed as a husband I understood why he was so mad. In th end he still supported me just didn't want me to go to meeting in case I ran into one of our friends. Hes a very private person and doesn't like anyone to know our business I am going to look into to private therapy.  I would take the risk and tell your guy, I am guessing he will be supportive.

[nomorepills66]

You so right. It is the voices telling you to take the pills not the actul detoxing. You would think after going thru hell that would teach you to stop but those voice are so much stronger. Good point!!!

[udoschoices]

nope. They are everywhere. I went to NA meeting at first as pills are my drug of choice and didnt like them, found an AA meeting near my house with great people (because as you already mentioned - its addiction, not necessarily WHAT you are addicted to). Just google "NA" or "AA" meetings in your town and you'll find a website listing the times and locations. I went to several until i found one that clicked. And it is keeping me clean and sane. I didnt listen really to the people here with LOTS of years of clean time.. ALL WHO GO OR WENT TO MEETINGS. (not yelling, just making a point ;)  I have not been able to do it alone, started on here 2 years ago and thought only this site could help but its not enough. You need someone physically giving you a hug, telling you its ok, giving you their number. And they will - just speak up or listen to someone speak you like and approach them. Ain't easy, but nothing is.

Its 100% mental. I've tricked myself into minimizing detox as i've done it so much, but the voices telling you to take the pills are what you have to work on.

hang in there

[soaddicted]

nomorepills66 you are so right the mental part is soooo hard! i also am engaged and im not sure how my fiance will react. he is a very supportive guy about alot but i feel so humiliated OMG! and your right alot of people dont understand our addiction just like your husband he thinks since he was on them and got off fine you should be able to also. you hang in there and maybe we can walk through this journey together..udoschoices, do AA meetings cost anything??

[udoschoices]

i've been there the last 5 years also, seemed like i always had to be doing something just to make it through the day. Call it addictive personality, or inability to cope -or whatever. I have been on the on/off rollercoaster for all these past years, and whats finally helping has been going to AA/NA meetings EVERY DAY. I resisted thinking i could do it and never could and am 9 days clean now. I could never make it past 2-3 days until pills called my name

its a great place to anonymously just open up and ask for help. You will get TONS of support from people just like you, hear stories just like your own, regardless of the drug of choice.   Its hard, yes. Another thing is to TRY and cut off your supply. I found i can really get them whenever if i really want to.. so thats hard. But its a way to get off if you can schedule your detox for when your script runs out, the dope man is out, whatever. And just go to the meetings.

trust me, never thought i'd be going to daily AA meetings to get off pain pills... but i am. And i've been clean.  Hang in there, you can do it.

[nomorepills66]

I think telling someone is one of the hardest parts. It is hard to have to admit to someone we have a problem. It is scary to think of how they will react. When I told my husband I was addicted he was not supportive at all. He was very angry. It wasn't till a year later he was taking them for pain and was on them for awhile did he understand how they can grab you. It was easy for him to quit and didn't have as many wds as I did. He is stronger mentally than me and boy do the mental wds get me. I think you just need to make a plan to quit and tell someone close to you and have them help you.My husband thinks I quit in March and does not know I have been doing them off and on the whole time. I should really take my own advice and tell him. Maybe I am scared that if I told him he would make sure I didn't do them anymore.

[soaddicted]

thank you guys so much for your input! rligh09 i know exactly where your coming from, i myself am a mother of 3 who does all the sporting events and team mom and etc. no one knows that im an addict. i really hate and i mean hate the word addict! i have been on pills for 5 years, which came from having my tubes tied with my last baby and i loved them. but it took me until about 2 years maybe only a year ago to realize i am an addict. the problem is i have no one that knows this secret and its killing me. i have anxiety so bad all the time. even doing the pills i still have anxiety.. i really do want to quit its just forcing myself to tell someone of this dirty secret.. i use to always hate to hear well your an addict for a reason your covering something up because i keep thinking back to when i started and i had a great life going on. i was in counseling when i was 15 and stayed in it for about 2 years but never felt like it helped. now im willing to do anything but how do i tell someone????

[Cissy373]

You can do this, I had so many tell me that and honestly I got sick of hearing it, as I was NOT succeeding.

I relapsed so many times I can't count them, but I guess I finally really got SICK of the WD's every month and worrying about my next refill that I finally quit the roller coaster ride. I am now clean 69 days today.

I still have days I want to just throw in the towel, but my clean time is way too important to me.

Have you tried AA/NA meetings or do you have any kind of support?

Keep posting.........lots of wonderful folks on here willing to help and support you.

[throwindatowl]

Us addicts think we are so smart. We run around fooling only ourselves. Ive also had something I shouldnt have been doing for most of my adult life. Weed, drinking, coke, all the other drugs. Ive done them all, almost. Be very very honest with yourself. Do you really want to quit? Or do you just not like the bad. We all love the good part of taking pills. Ive relapsed alot. Dont ever give up. I really didnt want to quit pills before. I just was sick of being sick, broke, and tired all the time. I still wanted to use. I had to really look deep within my soul to get an honest answer when it came to using pills. Dont give up on yourself, ever. Getting all that stuff off your chest will help you answer that question youre wondering about. Do you really wanna quit?

[rligh09]

I can relate kind of. I started drinking when I was 14 and that went on for about forever, till I was 31 and when my husband and I almost lost our house and everything we had we finally quit. I could quit when I had my kids and for all outside purposes you never would have guessed I was a drinker. PTA mom Girl scout leader. We both quit for about 4 yrs and then my husband hurt his back and got a script for vicodin. I'd had percocet when I had my kids but It wasnt a big deal. So we were totally sober for four years and then got addicted to the damn vicodin that lasted about 3 yrs and steadily got worse. It was may more expensive than beer haha. When we started to not be able to pay our bills and saw the same pattern happening again we panicked and tried several times to quit. Finally we did and have been clean for about 6 weeks. But I worry like you said whats next?? I hope that we  have learned our lessons the very hard way but if you would have told me 6 years ago I would be a pilll addict I would have laughed!! Not me those are nasty. Yep me!! I think for some people there is just this void that needs filled, I read somewhere that a lot of addicts are really smart people who's minds are bored. So I am trying to throw myself into school and taking on new challenges. I'd like to think I fall in the smart catagory (who doesnt) I read a ton and watch all kinds of stuff on National Geographic. I also think a lot of us addicts have really low dopamine levels and we need an outside source to get them going unfortunalty we choose the wrong things, instead of running or skydiving we take a pill or a drink.  Good luck to you if I can do this anybody can!!

[laurel453]

i agree with katrina. We all have to learn better tools to cope with life. I think that anorexia and bulimia has to do with control issues. I know that while on the pills i thought they were great because i was on control with my feelings and i felt much better with coping with life, i was not coping with life, just the opposite. I didn't like what alcohol made to me because i lost the control, pills were so much better, what a lie !! :) The fact is that we can not control life and what is going to happen and it is ok but we can face what happens  .

[Katrina81]

In my opinion you are addicted to whatever makes you feel good. Your addictions are your coping skills. My best advice would be to seek therapy to help you learn healthy coping skills and to get to the root of whats fueling your addictions. This forum is a great place for support. Keep posting