started again after a month of being clean

[trixie1111]

Here I am again... To bad... and very sad.. I never quit anything I start and hate to lose.. Now I have become very depressed angry sad and mean to everyone around me. Feeling sorry for myself I guess. I have to start over. I want to tell my husband.. But how...I feel like such a small person with very little to offer.. I wouldnt want my husband to tell anyone but I would want us to fight this together. Maybe It would keep me strong. instead of looking at his faults because I hate myself. I cant believe it ... It has zapped my smile..Took away all the things I love I have actually hidden myself from people. because I HATE myself. I walked away from the sight when I beat the addiction because I didn't want to go back and I thought this might trigger me. Now I know I need it. I can't even comment and encourage others right now because I feel worthless to all who know or even meet me through the web. So if I dont reply for a while I am sorry. I am starting again tommorrow. I only slid back for I think a week. But I will do it. I just have to decide to tell my best friend and lover my husband who i wont let close to me because I feel undeserving.
help please....  I want to tell him how long and explain the mood swings he is wonderful man who loves me. He has always been there for me.. But I feel like I have not been fair to him if I tell him at least it will put the pieces together about my up and downs. What do I do. I will quit this because I love him very much.. I want him to feel my love again. And give him what he deserves... All of me... He is a great person please help.

[2ndtimearound]

Trixie,

Your posting really touched me because it sounds so similiar to the way that I felt after getting clean and then using again only 18 days later.  I feel so guilty because it seemed like in those 18 days something was missing from my life-the opiate high.  I also hurt the ones that I loved and ended up losing a girl who I really cared for and also losing my job and alienating my family in the process.  This is a powerful disease that we have and you have to fight very hard, and sometimes that isn't even enough.  You are so lucky to have a husband that you love and I would advise you to tell him everything and ask him for his help in fighting this because the bond that you two have is far more powerful than any drug and I believe that with his help and the help of others who care about you, you can and will put this behind you and you will get clean and stay clean.  Always remember that this addiction is with you for life whether you like it or not and each day will be a fight to control the cravings and not use.  You have a lot to live for and it seems like you are a good person.  I know what its like to be down but don't lose hope.  I know the guilt you feel when you use behind your husbands back.  Don't make the same mistake I did and lose someone you love over this addiction.  He will understand and he will help you.  You won't be alone and you two can beat this together.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers.  Good luck.

[matine]

Hey Trixi:
Your are just one step away from paradise. Take your husband with you. What I mean is...put your pill bottle away and run run run away with a man you love for a few days; when you return home holding his hand marvel at you have.
     That would be a good time to toss the pill bottle away...just do it do not even think about it.

          May the Buddha be with you always.

[trixie1111]

Thanks
  
for all of your support.. I did tell my husband about everything and he was taken away by what I had told him.. I was very scared. I am not sure what his thoughts are right now.. He dont say a whole lot. I know he loves me.. He even says I need them.. And that I am not addicted. I tryed to explain that I feel if I have to take it to cope with everyday I have at least become dependent. Is that true. Please help again .. I am back on the wagon so to speak..
  The withdrawl is bad as always. shaking and scared. Please help ... How do you know what you are?

[trixie1111]

Thanks I never thought about calling a detox center... I will do that first thing tomorrow. I have never had a problem with things before, I just know I had to tell the one person who I believe loves me more than myself.. And If I continued to hide what I was doing he would eventually hate me too... I have become someone different. I needed to tell him why.. But I do and will get help I hope through my doctor or help if that is what it takes Thanks for the thought. I love all the posts no matter how they may make you see yourself. I know I need it. I am again on the road to try to get better. I think my husband would love to believe that I am ok, he loves me. Its normal. I just know its not always what is best. Thats why the posts help me I thought I had everything beat. I hate to lose. I will beat this.... Not alone though... With the loving support of my husband and him holding my hand and giving me his hand to hold. I am always giving to others and now I need someone to give to me... Its hard to take the help and admit your spent. But that is one of the first steps I hope.. Am I on the right track or am I on the wrong one.. Input please.. I want my life back I will call detox step two.. everyone needs love I think it motivates you to get help dont you???

[trixie1111]

I am sorry you lost ones you love.. And thanks for the post. I appreciate that I am being heard... But now you have all of us to give you support and encouragement. I don't want to lose my husband. He is great. I have been the woman behind a mask. But you helped me stop hidding thankyou.