starting over...again!

[YesLife4Me]

I was doing good, feeling pretty good, then got a bad cold/flu and was hurting, negative, frustrated, bored, you name it...and an opportunity presented itself a couple weeks back and I couldn't say no.  I have asked myself a million times over why, but the bottom line is I wanted to.   My mind kept telling me I am on the right track posting here, getting after care support, etc, but for some reason, the more I talked about it, and the more I read about other peoples struggles, the more I wanted to.   So here I am on day 2 again.  Sitting here clammy, achey, tired, with a bad tummy.  Just wanted to be honest.  And to tell the truth, I wouldn't be on day 2 if my connection hadn't come up dry.  This is a connection I cannot avoid and was worried would be my downfall.  I am disappointed in myself and really do want to live without these stupid norcos dominating my thoughts and life.  So here we go again.

[IBKleen]

Aftercare us good hun.

[YesLife4Me]

I have made it known to this connection to not get me, offer, or let me have anymore, even if I ask.  

Different~Making sure my connection clearly understands that using is NOT an option anymore.   And more aftercare!  

[evolv]

it sounds like you need to somehow remove the connection that is enabling you - can you tell that person you need to not see them for a little while or alternatively, ask them to refuse you any pills, no matter what you say? tell them you need them to support you and you would be grateful if they would not present the opportunity to you.

[IBKleen]

It really doesn't matter honey how many days you have clean. If you are relapsing, then you need to do something different. Agreed? So what do you think you will do different this time?

[YesLife4Me]

Ha Ha, it's ok to be confused.   I relapsed sometime back in November and December 4th was my 3rd day when I came back here and posted.  :)  

[IBKleen]

I just got here so please be patient with me. You relapsed on the 4th.? Sorry To hear that. Today is the 13th. and you have 11 days? If your first day clean was the 5th., then you have 8 days clean, no? I am not trying to be mean. Like I said I just got here and the math doesn't add up so I am trying help, so let's start withe basics. Set me straight...

[Katya5555]

congrats on 11 days, it will get better everyday now. i had a few flashback symptoms of Wd sometimes, but it went away after three days. you're doing great! Lead the way....
XOXO Katya

[YesLife4Me]

Thanks KLB...that pretty much sums up my last 3 years as well.    I had 'periods' of not having to go through wd because I had the funds to keep me afloat, but that was it.   I still had wd at least a day or two every month and I this last relapse and wd just took it all out of me.  I thought I was done before, but now I know I am.   Today is day 11 and while I'm not all the way back, I am way further ahead than the first couple days and in a better place than I was on what I thought was a good day on pills.     It really does only take one to take us back to the beginning.    Funny how we wouldn't eat something that tastes good if it gave us a tummy ache, but we will put this poison down us!    I'm glad to hear you found your way out of that nightmare and it truly is a nightmare at the end.    I'll be doing everything I can to keep that devil away.  He isn't welcome here!   :)    I sent you a friend invite too.   Keep it up girl..you are doing great!  

[KLB84]

I went through withdrawals almost daily! - I'd be sick, get enough to make it through the day, then sick again the next, repeat, try to stop, get sick, get some more, etc etc - for THREE VERY LONG YEARS before I got sober. (That's not including the 5 years prior to that using without any real knowledge of withdrawls-I was 15 when I did [snorted] my first opiate - half of a 160 mg Oxy Contin - no lie). They don't even make those anymore. This was right before the oxy/hillbilly heroin epedimic so I had NO idea what I was getting into. At my breaking poing, before I went to rehab @ age 22, I woke up every morning and prayed asking God to have someone kill me that day. I understand the meaning of sick and tired of being sick and tired as much as anyone. Sickness broke me. I went to a "faith-based" non-medical, residential rehab for 13 months 1,500 miles from home!!! so that there was NO WAY I could use unless I escaped and went to the streets as a hooker or something. LOL - funny...kinda.

Anyway, I made it FIVE years SOBER! I was a walking testimony to so many people and last year I relapsed. So I also know what it's like to fall....hard. I was going through a divorce, all alone, family far far away, no accountability, and found myself in the wrong place at the wrong time and did just one hydrocodone which lead to 6 months of everyday use...needless to say I'm back on the road to recovery. This time I'm using a suboxone taper and I'm down to 2 mgs. I don't know how this story ends, but these things I do know: Don't let yourself go through 3 years of daily withdrawals. It's HELL and a complete waste of life and time! And - ALWAYS remember the Devil is like a roaring lion PATIENTLY WAITING for the right moment to ATTACK - when your least expecting, at your weakest and you have the most to lose, that's when he'll pounce!!

[Pat1956100]

Well I just checked my tracker and I am on Day 18 lol.  Crazy that I lost track.  
I am blazing a path for you is right.  You keep following.  I know you want this.

[YesLife4Me]

Very true Pat.  And I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  This sure gets old.   Im proud of you for making it this far.   Now you are blazing a pth for me.  

And clean...lol.  well put!  I am not a cucumber, can never be one again, no matter how badly I want to be.  I need to find my brine to keep me from shriveling up.  Thank you!  

[clean_in_ks]

Here's an analogy; not being flip or anything, but word pictures help me when nothing else can.

Once you are a pickle (addict) you can't EVER be a cucumber (just one pill or controlled user) again!

And you know that pickles dry out and shrivel up unless they're in a brine which gives them flavor and crispness!  (meetings, meetings, counseling, surrounding ourselves with others whose VERY SAME GOAL is to stay clean and sober) that environment is "our" brine.

[Pat1956100]

You just really do get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I went 9 months in and out of withdrawals and I honestly felt if I didn't make it this time, I never would.  I am only on Day 17 but for me this is a record and I really don't ever want to use again.  Yes, I have cravings for oxy.
I eat chocolate, go far a walk, clean, vacuum or if it's really strong I post on here for help and it works.  It saved me.

[YesLife4Me]

Im starting to feel a little better late in the afternoon.  The bathroom issue and sweats have subsided.  Not yawning as much and mentally I am not in a heavy fog.  I have so much to live for, so maybe this was a learning experience.   I know tomorrow will be a better day and I feel better about myself after posting and reading your comments.  Day 3 usually is a turning point and each day is better beyond that.   Please pray for me to keep my guard up and strength for me to fight off the demons...for I know they will come knocking on my door.  

[Teresa1717]

If any of us could answer the question as to WHY we relapse, noone would be an addict! Everything your describing is exactly how I felt, and sometimes still feel. When I decided to stop I just knew I couldnt live that life anymore. I was going to end up dead or in jail. I guess you have to get to that point of is the fact you will always be an addict. We are never "cured"  of this but rather having to constantly reassess and readjust our mind. But I promise, if you put in the work, You can do this! There are many here who never thought they could but yet they did! Dont think about the fact you have relapsed, just focus on what you can do different. And please dont hate yourself. That wont do you any good.

Pick yourself up from your boot straps and march ahead! Today is Day 2 and thats something!

[YesLife4Me]

That's what concerns me too.  Its like wd has become a part of who I am and I don't like it.  I don't want to endure wd until I can get more.  I need off this crazy ride, but scared on how to live without it.  This started 5 years ago...and I have no reason to continue on this self destructive course.  I can't for the life of me figure out why I can't stay away.  I've been chronically relapsing for 6 months now.  It is like I want to be done, but then I get wore down from the mental part.  I know where this goes, but before I know it, Im there again.  Ugh!  Hate myself today.  

[Teresa1717]

Dont beat yourself up over this! Relapse is part of recovery. The most important thing you can do is figure out what you need to do differently this time right? So you cant avoid your source per se but what yiou can do is tell him its ABSOLUETLY not acceptable to have them around me or offer them to me and if you do then we will have to figure out some other arrangement for the grandbaby. I know we all say cut out your sources and in most cases we NEED to but sometimes we cant, so its a matter of figuring out an alternative and putting a firm plan in place.

Also, Others have said, work on aftercare! It has kept me sober these last 24 hours and it really does work! Having an AA;/NA meeting to go to, Therapy, anything like that helps when you have weak moments. I am concerned for you that you said you only are w/d again because yoru connection came up dry? Thats a red flag to me that you definitely need aftercare of some sort!

We are all here for you and most have been there where you are. Relapse ***** but its all part of the process until your mind gets strong enough to beat this disease! Stay close to us, we will help you through it!

[YesLife4Me]

Thanks gnarly.  You are right..at the time it is only temporary and this last bout when he couldn't get more just provoed to me that it can't go on forever.  The pills and/or money always runs out and then Im left sitting alone like now.

Pat, everytime I see him I think about it.  Its impossible not to.  I have told my daughter but she really doesn't have much influence over him when it comes to that.   I have told him no several times, so I know I can.  

[Abby_916]

Please don't beat yourself up about something that is done. Believe me, many of us have been where you are right now. I went thru one heck of a withdrawal this time, but it ENDS! You already know that. As bad as the WD were for me, I feel like its harder to STAY clean. It's a battle everyday, but it can be overcome. Aftercare is the way to go. I know for me, I just can't do it alone. I need the reassurance of others, especially those that have been thru the same thing, to tell me it gets better. And it does! Get yourself thru the withdrawals, and then focus on staying clean. We are all with you and we understand. Good luck and stay strong!

[Pat1956100]

I am glad she is with him. Maybe you can tell her you have quit and that you no longer want pills.  She will tell him to never give you pills again and he will listen to her lol.  Just an idea.
I know it's so hard when it's easy to get pills.  That is why I kept relapsing.  Right now, it's not easy for me.  You must think about it, every time you see him.  I know I did with my easy connection.
Before too long, I couldn't take it anymore and asked her for some.

[YesLife4Me]

Yeah the depression is the hardest part.  Im sure that played a role in,my relapsing as well.   My daughter is still with him.  We have had many discussions about him using as well as my problem.   I don't like it, but being an addict myself, all I can do is encourage him and hope he gets to where he wants to quit.  

[gnarly_1]

Hi.....well embrace the withdrawal it is the beginning to the end of your pill use it is going to be tuff but your going to have to set down some boundary's with this guy and the pillls he has GOT to Know your not looking for some forever not just today this may seam like a challenge but if you really want it you can make it happen I cannot stress the importance of aftercare enough I lost 950 clean days to some sleeping pills not even my drug of choice but I had let my aftercare go .....now N/A is a priority did 90 meeting in 90 days to get back on track and I got a few days shy of 7mo clean again  just know if you want this bad you can have it just takes a little work on your part lets get you detoxed here then we can move on to aftercare....just wanted to wish you some luck here keep pushing forward.......Gnarly        

[Pat1956100]

I'm glad the withdrawals aren't too bad for you.  The depression really can get to you though and it just gets worse, the more often you use.
You said you dropped your grandson off to your connection?
Is he using?  That just really scared me. I know it's your son in law and I am assuming he is separated from your daughter?
How do you feel about that?

[YesLife4Me]

Well the wd aren't as bad as the last time, but they are there.  Yesterday all I wanted was to sleep.  Today I have the sweats and some minor bathroom issues.  The energy is low but not as low as before, so that's good I guess.  I don't feel as achey either and have a small appetite.  No anxiety or restless legs/arms..whew!   I have that to be thankful for.