step #1

Before you can work any of the 12 steps the most important and hardest to conquer is step #1 without a doubt......
In my own words:
when you look in the mirror can you ADMIT that you are POWERLESS against your ADDICTION and the your life has become UNMANGEABLE?
It took me so many years to set my pride and stubborness aside to accomplish step #1

Step #1 seems so easy but if I may ask all of you two questions:

first, can you ADMIT that you are POWERLESS against your ADDICTION and the your life has become UNMANGEABLE?

second, what do you see when you look into the mirror?

[IBKleen]

I admit that I am powerless over my addition and my life has become unmanageable.

What do I see when I look in the mirror?

I see a woman who looks every bit her 55 years.
I see what years of drug abuse has done to my eyes, my face, my body and my soul.
I see a good person who has made some lousy choices.
I see a glimmer of pride for what I have done in my short time clean.
I also see hope. It is a small light, but it is there.

[dng]

yes i can admit that i am powerless...when i look in the mirror..i see a women who has everything...great life family friends great job...so what do i see...FAILURE!!! dee

[beachtowel]

Step #1 was so difficult for me decades went by trying to admit that I was powerless and that drugs managed my life............

when i looked into the mirror I saw a liar, a con man, an actor but I also saw a good man fighting but not knowing how to dig my way back........
I was embarrest and ashamed to ask anyone for help, I tried with my dad but was told directly to get out of his house.......he didn't allow junkies in his home.......

If it were only for sites like this one the forum to go on and ask questions and get some information that really helps get some important answers...........

I was just curious how some of you felt........

[beachtowel]

IBKleen\dng your honesty is compelling keep up the good fight and if you fall try again and try to be smarter the next time around so you don't make the same mistakes.......

great posts guys..........

[dng]

so what's the answer...what do we do...i know i have a problem..i know the answer..so why can't i fix it....i don't know maybe if i could sit down face to face with someone but i can't i'm to ashamed...i'm so afraid my family will find out...the funny thing is i'm so vain...had work done to turn back the clock..look pretty good if i must say so lol...but yet those pills seem to control me..have a very high powered job so we must look a certain way...have to always be up beat and so on...like i said wtf...maybe just give up

[beachtowel]

I think you explained it very well in your post..........
your trying to live a double life........trapped in the insanity of addiction because your ashamed......
who would be that ashamed of you in your family?

How does your husband think of you does he look at you like your broken and defective........
Would your husband think less of you if you were totally honest about who you are.........

For me it was honesty that set me free my father never forgave me even on his death bed with cancer in his last words he mentioned that he had  a no good junkie for a son.........

that will bother me until I die.........but this novemeber 26th for my moms birthday at my home group N/A meeting I have invited my Mom to the meeting........she has never been to one of my meetings.....I will recieve my two yr madelion and for clean time and that will be my gift to her from me on my birthday..........
I had to change my life, ,everything and had to be 100% honest with my self and my family and thenlet the chips fall where they may........does that take courage? was it insane? was it self destructive?  All I know is I will be so proud that my mother will be sitting front and center at my N/A meeting to see the accomplishment that I have busted my *** to get there and that is all I can do....

[dng]

i'm so happy for you...maybe i can find the same strength that you have....i think you will be my angel...my inspiration...thank you dee

[beachtowel]

I don't know if my words will help you but I'll tell you what you can't continue to live like you are.......that is an awful place to be.........
I wish more than anything that your family will stand behind you in your biggest time of need.........

good luck sweetie........and I truly wish I could do more for you..........but you have to do the work......

[CATUF]

1.  Yes

2.  I now see a nice person.  I see a good guy.  I see someone who is worthy of beind, and is, loved.

I used to see "a worthless drug addict," a "piece of $hit," and a "total f-up."  I saw someone who was completely unworthy, who would be rejected by anyone and everyone who "thought" otherwise, if they only knew the truth.

At the same time, I also used to see someone who was somehow better, smarter and slicker than everyone else.  I saw someone who was above and far beyond the rules and limitations to which the rest of humanity was subject.

I was, in other words, a typical drug addict - that is to say, an ego maniac with an inferiority complex.

I had no idea how awful it is to live like that until I finally quit living like.  

CATUF

[FeelingsoGuilty]

reading your story with the job & the work done & the looking pretty good & the double life is like reading an autobiography. I think we can support/help eachother. What is your DOC? Mines codeine. Do u have kids? I have a 9 month old and am 8 weeks pregnant. I'm 38 & teach Dentists surgical procedures for a living. Talk about double life!

[dng]

sorry i just got home....problem vicodin...i have 2 girls

[bettie1976]

Ive long ago admitted I was powerless. I just chose to keep on poppin those pills and chuggin the booze. Now, at 65 days clean, I see (in the mirror) someone I like. Someone who looks more like me, the old sober me, I look in the mirror and am (usually) please with what I see. Happy to have my looks back (sounds dumb I know but still it makes me feel good) I see a girl who lost 40 pounds almost because of quitting the stuff. I see a girl who is so happy she can fit into her clothes again and then some. I see someone who tells the truth and isnt afraid to speak her mind and trusts her instincts. Oh, and I see that Im beginning to like myself again. :)

[dng]

65 days GREAT!!! i hope i can say the same for myself some day....keep going strong...dee

[addictedme]

Well , if were talking about the steps then the answer is to actually attend 12 step meetings and get a sponser. A sponser is someone who has applied the 12 steps to there life and can guide you in applying them to yours. Working ANY step alone isnt going to work and just working step one wont either. Its a process. Each step has a purpose and they must be worked in order with someone just like you,,,,an addict. Actually the first step was the easiest for me ,,,a no brainer because I WAS powerless and my life WAS unmanigable,,,thats what got me in na in the first place

[bettie1976]

Yea, Ive got my sponsor and we are on step 2. Step one was super easy for me (ive already written down a bunch for step 4 b/c if i dont write it when it comes to me I will forget it all when it comes time to do it). I need to complete my answers for step 2, should be easy enough. There are only 4 or 5 ?'s shes asked me to answer. She is a great sponsor. Been clean from heroin almost 7 years. And I LOVE her. She brings me gifts at my 30 days, and she brought me a candle for my 60. She is a godsend! I also gave her gifts too because without her, where would I be?

[addictedme]

GREAT JOB,,,,its a lifetime deal so stick with it

[bettie1976]

yea when i realized id be dealing with this for the rest of my life it was a bit overwhelming but ive come to accept it. this is just how it is. read the big book over and over again (i dont think ive read any book even the interesting ones more than twice) and the 12 step book I just bought....Im going to be dealing with this til I die and I think Im ok with that now. Thanks!
xoxo

[addictedme]

Think of it like this,,,if you dont deal with being out of active addiction the rest of your life you"ll deal with being in active addiction the rest of your life. I accept the fact that I"ll be going to meetings just like I accepted that I"d be going to the drug house or medicine bottle every day. Hopefully that" till I die "thing will come later now rather then sooner,,,,keep doin what yer doin bettie

[bettie1976]

thanks! you too! your post makes lots of sense to me!

[Beargizmo]

Congrats, Beachtowel...that was so nice to read.  My son (who lives 1100 miles away in Georgia) received his 90day chip last night and was so proud when he called to tell me.  I wish I could have been there for that.  He's a changed young man (25yrs old) in those last 90 days.  And he gives full credit to NA.


Jim

[lurker]

Thanks for posting this - the 12 steps helped me get sober from alcohol and I keep forgetting about them.  I've decided to go to my old home group AA meeting next week to get back in touch.  I know that some of those women (it's a women's meeting) don't get the pill thing, but they've always been supportive.  I'm almost at the end of my taper and will be going to suboxone in the next few weeks since I can't seem to get all the way off on my own - powerless...need to remember that every day.  Thanks beach!