Aa
still using
im sorry i let so many people down .. my head says stop my body said NO
sometimes by the time i take something i dint even remember doing it ..
i tell myself thats it.. but then i also say one more day wont hurt.
ill stop tomorrow.. i have stopped before but i always seen to get but lattly
i feel my only way out is death.. that way i cant hurt anyone any more. Ive tried over and over.. alone by myself
and ill alright considering.... what u have to go throw.. to get clean..
i just feel like dieing.. what scares me right now is the fact that ..
after say it for so long ive to belive nows the times if any so
thanks for all the people in my life that tryded to help me
see things .. just i just cant see happen
sometimes by the time i take something i dint even remember doing it ..
i tell myself thats it.. but then i also say one more day wont hurt.
ill stop tomorrow.. i have stopped before but i always seen to get but lattly
i feel my only way out is death.. that way i cant hurt anyone any more. Ive tried over and over.. alone by myself
and ill alright considering.... what u have to go throw.. to get clean..
i just feel like dieing.. what scares me right now is the fact that ..
after say it for so long ive to belive nows the times if any so
thanks for all the people in my life that tryded to help me
see things .. just i just cant see happen
Even with an accidental OD, I am VERY surprised that the hospital would let you go like that. Usually they would transfer you from the ER to a room and stabilize you then send in a psychologist or even transfer you to another facility. I know this because my cousin OD'd and she was in the hospital for days. I really wish they would have helped you more. Did you want help? Because by you OD'ing you are screaming for help. Please go to rehab! Insurance or not, this is the rest of your life we're talking here. Everything that you see as black and white will someday be color for you. You will realize that you have alot of choices in life. They will help find your passions. Have you ever watched Intervention on A&E, that is one of my fav shows. The people seem so unhappy and know they need help but just aren't sure how to do it. You're in a downward spiral right now. You're wasting your money, time and future as a slave to the drugs. Tell me you're going to get help today!!
im gona get drees and get a soda and some hard candy .. im asking u guys to keep writhing me to keep me busy,... and my mind on this .. ok then with that ill be right back 8 mins at the longest i hope.. straight to the store and back no detours,, no stops along the way just me and my truck thier and back ready ok .. im leaving th=e house
no.. when ems came .. it was a acc.o.d .. im not telling them i tryed to do it are u crazy..look a friend of mine didDID have my passwards but im going to change that .. plus he was texting ppl from my phone that night talking to the worst person even and tellling what happend.. idk anymore.. im confussed.. ive been trying to weigh out the pros and cons.. just cant seem to find sold ground.. i feel like crying one min because i hate my self and what ive done .. then i use and think eveythigs great.. till i come down . ive been up all night trying to pice together why i still use.. my minds done,,... my body crys for it.. and in the end the body over rides my mind.. to stop the pAIN i use...................
There is till hope since you did post your note. Deep down you have the strength to beat this. It is tough but it can be done.
You mention that you are sorry that you have let so many people down. You have also let yourself down. You must help yourself and the rest will fall into place. You can't do this alone and not many people can. Get some professional help immediately.
Do you have a close friend or family member who you can trust completely? If so you must come clean with them and convey to them how bad that you want help. In order to convince them you must stop the drugs again. When you first stop let that person know so you can work together on this. In addition you need professional help to beat this.
I very close friend of mine confessed his drug adiction to me 17 days ago and I am fully supporting his recovery efforts. If you have a friend that will help you don't be upset if they question a lot of things. I am doing this with my friend as he has mislead me in certain areas in the past. I have to be careful not to do anything that will enable his addictive behavior.
If don't have anybody to help you then get professional help first. Your depression will be replaced by a feeling of self worth and acomplishment when you begin your recovery efforts. Cutting back is not an option because using drugs is using no matter what the quantity may be.
Let me know if I can be of further help to you as I will be glad to do whatever I can to help you help yourself. I grew up in a situation where both parents had addiction issues and both of them beat it later in their life.
I have a passion for helping people with addictive behaviors who want to help themsleves win their daily battle with addictive behavior. I fight the same batle everyday as I have the genetic prediposition to addictive behavior and it is only by the grace of God that I have not had any issues so far.
Good luck and stay in touch.
You mention that you are sorry that you have let so many people down. You have also let yourself down. You must help yourself and the rest will fall into place. You can't do this alone and not many people can. Get some professional help immediately.
Do you have a close friend or family member who you can trust completely? If so you must come clean with them and convey to them how bad that you want help. In order to convince them you must stop the drugs again. When you first stop let that person know so you can work together on this. In addition you need professional help to beat this.
I very close friend of mine confessed his drug adiction to me 17 days ago and I am fully supporting his recovery efforts. If you have a friend that will help you don't be upset if they question a lot of things. I am doing this with my friend as he has mislead me in certain areas in the past. I have to be careful not to do anything that will enable his addictive behavior.
If don't have anybody to help you then get professional help first. Your depression will be replaced by a feeling of self worth and acomplishment when you begin your recovery efforts. Cutting back is not an option because using drugs is using no matter what the quantity may be.
Let me know if I can be of further help to you as I will be glad to do whatever I can to help you help yourself. I grew up in a situation where both parents had addiction issues and both of them beat it later in their life.
I have a passion for helping people with addictive behaviors who want to help themsleves win their daily battle with addictive behavior. I fight the same batle everyday as I have the genetic prediposition to addictive behavior and it is only by the grace of God that I have not had any issues so far.
Good luck and stay in touch.
What happened? Were you in the hospital? Did you tell them about your drug use? Most hospitals won't let you go same day for attempted suicide. Or did you go awhile back? That was your big chance to say, Hey I need some help here. I think you def know what you should be doing here. You're a very smart young lady.
tired but cant sleep went out 2night had a few drinks.. i know its wrong but .. i should be in rehab yes i know.. just see passed this.
WoW, OMG, I can't believe it. Thank heavens the friend reached out to you and informed you. Thank you for the update. I pray to God that she goes straight into a rehab center for help. I had been wondering what happened. She is so young and has the rest of her life ahead of her. I will def pray for her. I hope to see her post once she's well enough....
just got a message from Cap's friend that she is in hospital. Sounds like she is going to be ok, but tried to hurt herself . If you guys can continue to pray for her please do so. Thansk!
you're actually in a great place to make a real go at recovery.
you sound like i felt 1,690 days ago. i was absolutely at the end of my rope and completely without the strength to pull myself up or even hang on.
thinking it meant the end of me, but not caring about that, i just let go. i was too tired and beat up to do it anymore, so i just let go. i quit. i gave up.
turns out that's exactly what you need to do. surrender. cease fighting everyone and everything.
try not to act on the thoughts of killing yourself . . . that really a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but it's true. things come to pass, they don't come to stay. i came so very close to killing myself and i honestly felt that everyone and everything would be better if i did.
i was wrong about that. you are too. AA's Big Book talks about the changes that will take place in recovery:
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them."
==========================
these "promises" really do come true. i would have bet anything that they would never work for me, it seemed absolutely impossible that any of them could happen to me. maybe for a few others, but not for me . . . none of them. period. i was too much of a mess, too farr gone, too hopeless, too helpless and too worthless.
again i was wrong.
there was quite a while when i seriously thought about killing myself on a daily basis. it seemed reasonable and necessary. just the best choice. there were many days when i decided tomorrow's the day, but by the next day i'd be able to put it off to tomorrow again, and again and again and again.
i remember once trying to explain to a counslor that "it's not like i'm 'suicidal' or anything, it just that i've considered all my options and killing myself is the best one . . . the only good one." That guy just looked at me and said "i see . . . and how would you define suicidal?" now i may have had a few problems, but i was sharp enough to see that i had painted myself into a corner . . . . "damn, i'm suicidal . . ." i said, once again master of the obvious.
give yourself time to get through this. ask for help. accept help.
you should try praying. even if you are just like i was and don't believe in anything to pray to, try anyway. you can simply say "i don't know who i'm talking to, i'm not at all sure that i'm talking to anyone, but i need help. please help me." be willing to do that and be willing to accept the help that will arrive.
that will be enough for now.
someday in a future you can't see right now, you're going to be helping people just like yourself in ways that you can't begin to imagine.
those people need you.
CATUF
1680
you sound like i felt 1,690 days ago. i was absolutely at the end of my rope and completely without the strength to pull myself up or even hang on.
thinking it meant the end of me, but not caring about that, i just let go. i was too tired and beat up to do it anymore, so i just let go. i quit. i gave up.
turns out that's exactly what you need to do. surrender. cease fighting everyone and everything.
try not to act on the thoughts of killing yourself . . . that really a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but it's true. things come to pass, they don't come to stay. i came so very close to killing myself and i honestly felt that everyone and everything would be better if i did.
i was wrong about that. you are too. AA's Big Book talks about the changes that will take place in recovery:
"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them."
==========================
these "promises" really do come true. i would have bet anything that they would never work for me, it seemed absolutely impossible that any of them could happen to me. maybe for a few others, but not for me . . . none of them. period. i was too much of a mess, too farr gone, too hopeless, too helpless and too worthless.
again i was wrong.
there was quite a while when i seriously thought about killing myself on a daily basis. it seemed reasonable and necessary. just the best choice. there were many days when i decided tomorrow's the day, but by the next day i'd be able to put it off to tomorrow again, and again and again and again.
i remember once trying to explain to a counslor that "it's not like i'm 'suicidal' or anything, it just that i've considered all my options and killing myself is the best one . . . the only good one." That guy just looked at me and said "i see . . . and how would you define suicidal?" now i may have had a few problems, but i was sharp enough to see that i had painted myself into a corner . . . . "damn, i'm suicidal . . ." i said, once again master of the obvious.
give yourself time to get through this. ask for help. accept help.
you should try praying. even if you are just like i was and don't believe in anything to pray to, try anyway. you can simply say "i don't know who i'm talking to, i'm not at all sure that i'm talking to anyone, but i need help. please help me." be willing to do that and be willing to accept the help that will arrive.
that will be enough for now.
someday in a future you can't see right now, you're going to be helping people just like yourself in ways that you can't begin to imagine.
those people need you.
CATUF
1680
Mad.... where r u?? Scaring us! I'm on day 2 of fentanyl patch. It is WAY harder to get off of ALL the crap you were taking than this.... from what I'm experiencing and have been told. Please respond and tell us you're willing to drop all the crap and start living the REST of your life....
This may sound stupid but do you have medical insurance? Even if you don't, I think you need to get to the ER & tell them you are overdosing & suicidal. They may do a rapid detox or at least admit you! You are not safe from yourself! Please don't give up! Life can hurt & be messy but it is only one day you have to get thru! If I had to imagine no drugs for the rest of my life I might as well go dig a grave & lie down in it! Do it in steps. A second. A minute. An hour. A day. That's all. Focus on today not tomorrow.
Hey Cap, Listen we were all a mess at one time. some worse than others. Everyone on this site supports one another. Read through some posts. You can see and hear the desperation in all of us. There is a better way and sometimes it takes a few times to get it right. Keep posting and we will help you as much as we can. Life isn;t easy, but no one siad it woudl be. We have the ability to create our adult lives how we chose. Please chose life and walk away from the life of destruction. You are young and Im sure have so much to offer. You never know how you can help someone on here. A girl that posted above helped me so much last night. You can do this. hang in there and keep posting.
madcapo i feel your pain once ur addicted to some hardcore stuff u feel like life is pointless and the only way out is death.....UR SO WRONG... ur addiction has overtaken all of ur rational thoughts u need more help than the average person yes but ur not hopeless i was hoplessly addicted to heroin over a gram a day just to function!! thats no joke my detox i thought i would rather b dead too but my family and fiance showed me there is more out there its just your addiction if u have kids or any loved ones please dont go through with your ultimate plan it may take time but things will get better and u will start to enjoy normal life... we all r praying for u
ahhhhhhhhhhhh ! really wahts the point any more.. im a mess...... ill aways be a mess.. im high right now.. someone asked what i take .. well... if im drinking ill take vics and roxys..smoke pot ... till i cant fuction.. if a friends got heroin u wont see me for days.. if im drinking beer only i can take up to 12 vic 10s and drink all night and never get drunk.. as far as the roxys.. i snort them .. have thought about shooting them .. so u see i used to just take morphine,, and i did not drink.. now i do it all ..
Don't give up! I've been an addict for 20+ years with 15 off vicodin. 5 years ago I had an accident & have been taking 20 norco a day. I run out every month, detox, give up after a few days & go back to my dr for more. I have chosen life again & I'm on day 6. Life can suck but there us so much good. Do you love anything besides the drugs? Find it & focus! Get thru this one day, hour, minute, second at a time . I am praying that you'll find your strength & higher power! GET YOURSELF TO NA!
Please hold on. I am new here, and if you do, you will be inspiring me and changing me to hold on, too.
I came across your post and wanted to beg you NOT to act on these feelings. This too shall pass!!! This is only temporary. Death is permanent. I am so glad you posted and continue to post. As many times as you need. I am new to this but I am going through withdrawls from the fentanyl patch. From what I understand, I was on the granddaddy of all pain killers. If I can go through this, you can too. What drug has got a hold of you?
DO NOT give up! Dont do it. That is nto even an option. Hang in there and keep talking to us. We have all been there. Look at all of the ppl that relapse over and over again. It's not just you. Our brain chemistry chenges when we use and it takes time for it to heal. I am praying for you right now and I will continue to do so. Tell me about your situation if ya can.
Find a NA meeting & get there pronto. Do you have family that loves you? Have you asked for help? Death is permaent, symptoms are temporary. Please don't give up.
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