struggling with recovery, any advice?

[Cici_xo]

Hi, I'm new here and just really looking for some support since I have no one anymore to talk to. I was, well am, an alcoholic since I was 16 and I'm 20 now but I've been sober for 9 months and 9 days following my 3rd owi. I was in a physically and emotionally relationship for 2 years when I finally was literally taken out of it after I OD'd on everclear and pills, almost died, and ended up in icu for a week. Because of alcohol I've been arrested 5 times, been in 2 car accidents, been abused and drugged, and many other things. I've been threw rehab and counseling too. I guess what I'm getting at is its caused me so much pain but I want a drink so bad lately and I'm so close to giving in. I just would really appreciate some advice or something to help me not give in to my depression and drink. Sorry this was so long, thanks for reading my rant :)  -----and if it matters I was drinking about half a fifth of vodka or a 30 of beer every night.

[Cici_xo]

So I failed. After 9 months and 14 days I drank. My entire family are drinkers and we just had a wedding in the family and I ended up drinking, not a lot just 3 beers. Surprisingly I don't feel guilty at all. I feel happy and energetic for the first time in a very long time. Is this normal?

[Cici_xo]

Yeah its 3 days a week but since I don't have a license I just am supposed to go when I can. Well he keeps talking to me, I don't reply but he still tries. Thanks for the help everyone, I really needed that extra push to get help again  

[atthebeach]

that is great news. i am very happy for you. you are being very pro-active, you made the phone call and got wonderful results. yes is it intensive outpatient? 3 days a week. they are good programs. that will give you much needed support. hun you said you are talking to your x. i would stay away from him. if he was the abuser definitely stay away from him. if you used with him definitely stay away. focus on yourself right now and getting and staying clean.
keep up the good work.
sending hugs and blessings
debbie

[Cici_xo]

Hey, I ended up calling my psychiatrist and talked to her and she helped me out a little and told me I could start outpatient rehab to help me out :) I'm really relieved ill have that extra support.

[gnarly_1]

HI When the craving start for me I step up the meetings and consoling this is something you have to keep treating if you stop you get lost in your own head again as addicts or alcoholics we need to change the very way we think and reason those thoughts are just going to get louder till you do something about them your drifting into dangerous territory here a relapse often starts days in advance you need to get to an a/a meeting and do it today or tomorrow
it works if you work it you need to talk this out with some people that been there b/4 you use
remember nothing changes ifv nothing changes good luck and God bless.......Gnarly  

[Cici_xo]

I live with my parents again as part of my probation but my parents are both alcoholics too. I can't go to anyone else about this because if they know then they'll tell my probation officer and he'll send me back to rehab. I can't afford rehab because I have to get spinal surgery done from the injuries I got when I rolled my car. I think its gotten hard again because my ex has recently been trying to talk to me and it brings up my feelings of self-hatred. I've tried all the groups you just mentioned except church because I'm not really a religious person. Idk what to do anymore, I know why I shouldn't drink but my inner alcoholic voice is getting louder by the day. Thanks so much for your advice.  :)

[atthebeach]

that is a major reason for you to seek additional counseling. it isnt your fault that you were
abused. you were taken advantage of when you were the most vulnerable.do you live alone?

[atthebeach]

hi hun and welcome. you say you have been to counseling and rehab but you still continue to struggle and am even considering drinking again even with all the pain,heartache ,law issues, and the near  death experience/
you need to continue with counseling, try a different counselor , an addiction specialist, have you been to na/aa, support groups, church. a psychiatrist,
you are so young and still have so much of your life to live. go back into a rehab. try a christian rehab. they are longer than 28 days and have a greater success rate than a secular program.
you said you dont have anyone to talk to.any friends or family that you trust that live near you? i am so glad you found us. we are here to help you as much as we can.
may GOD bless you and protect you
debbie

[Cici_xo]

Physically and emotionally abusive*** sorry