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thankyou and sorry...

My husband decided to leave me today because he is a drug addict and i am recovering..He doesn't obviously like it..all i know is..i am devestated...slap in the face kinda way..things in life are hard..i am not a weak person in general..but my friends...i am afraid i have reached my limit...whatever you want to call it....he actually threatened me to take my kids...HA those ARE FIGHTING WORDS.... and yes i took 4 oxy's..which i never did..and they" just"came my way...isn't that lovely...I am a piece of **** and I am sorry...I don't have a script or anything...it was either that or vodka...sorry the truth hurts..
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340590_tn?1290955741
lisa,
stop now...you dont want a full blon relapse nyour hands.  you did it it is over.  no more.  you are dealing with way to much.  please take a deep breath and move on.
you can reach me if you need me.
cathy
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397118_tn?1219765850
my friend I'm really sorry not for him leaving you because I know you will be fine with out him but don't hurt your self please just go out and try to be with somebody right now please you will be fine I'm really sorry and I'm with you if you need me ok
GS
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Avatar_m_tn
I know things like this is tough to deal with, but if you want to be clean and he doesn't I think it would be a losing battle for you. Don't beat yourself up over the oxy's, just don't do it again or you'll be heading down a path you have been working do hard to get away from. You are not a piece of ***, you are working to become better and that is what is important.
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Avatar_f_tn
Honey, I am sorry to herar this but you are definately better without him.  If you need to talk I  am here for you.  My husband is an addict to and not willing to try and clean up.  I will probably be leaving him.Sweetie stop beating yourself up.  It is so hard when things like that happen.  He can't take your kids from you, threaten to have him take drug tests and there is no way the courts will give him the kids.  Actually he will probably back down if you say that.  Please do not feel bad that you slipped.  When stuff like this happens all we want to do is hide our emotions but unfortunaely it is only a temporary relief. I loved taking the pain killers because I stopped crying all the time.  You need this change in your life, it is tough but you will be better without him. We all love you sweetheart and if you need someone to talk to you know where I am.
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397118_tn?1219765850
I hope you don't take them please do it for us don't take them we all love you so much you and all of you mean so much to me just snap out of it right now PLEASE!!!
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352798_tn?1399301754
Stop beating yourself up. You will get through this one too. You will need to be clean and level headed to properly fight for those kids.
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Avatar_f_tn
STOP IT!!!! YOU ARE NOT A PIECE OF $HIT.......so you did it, pick up and move on!! You can do that. It is YOUR choice and I have to be honest when I say, maybe this is for the best, He was after all cheating on you and gave you a black eye. You need to focus on you and your kids!! This is not to be mean, this is from one friend to another telling you to pick yourself up!! It was just a last straw for you and to be honest, I can't blame you. Now you have to move on and not get anymore!!!!!!! Hugs
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474119_tn?1273845078
You are so NOT a piece of ****! You are a good person that has so much to deal with! Please dont take no more pills, you have come so far and you can carry on doing so. Please dont take them again, you will beat yourself up and it will hurt you more. Please talk to a friend or someone right now, you need people around you. Stay strong hun.
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356054_tn?1218556075
LISA ... STOP right now and don't take anymore. Girl after all you have been through,you don't want to go back there. Oxy's aren't the answer and you know that. Nobody here is gonna judge you for taking the oxy. You did the right thing by posting,now do the right thing and stop. I don't know how you got them or where and it doesn't matter. What matters is you. My God Lisa you have come so far. That is not an easy thing to deal with(your husband). Remember you are the one that is getting clean and trying to have a better life. Now get back on track right now. You are needed here,your story has helped so many others. You can do this, I don't think you will have much of an effect stopping right now so do it. PLEASE
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Avatar_f_tn
thankyou..
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Avatar_n_tn
wow,im new here and just read your post,i to fight p.d.a. your husband must be something...6 kids,beautiful wife and leaves??? my wife has done close to the same so i can say i know how you feel, how are your kids? thats what matters.your picture says you can get any man...the kids are important, so hard as it is, stay clean! i dont know you but sure feel like i do! good luck
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356054_tn?1218556075
First off he's not taking the kids. Thats just not gonna happen but you do need to be clean to fight this. You need to have a clear head right now to make the decissions that are coming your way. Don't let him scare you with talk. Lisa you need to be strong and I know you can.
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Avatar_f_tn
lisa you are a beautiful woman and if your husband cant see that i say let him go. I know it wont be easy but your kids need you. you have come so far please dont beat yourself up over this one time of takng the oc's.tomorrow is a new day and i willl pray for you♥holly
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Avatar_f_tn
i feel so much worse for taking the stupid pills than him leaving!!!! A friend i hadn't seen in a long time just "happen" to come over.But I asked...I f he leaves..so be it...but he isn't taking my kids...i'll die first..I just can hardly see my keyboard...i won't take anymore...pi$$es me right the f@ck off...
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352798_tn?1399301754
Mad, angry, crying. All is good. Clean is what you need now. Do not beat yourself up, though. Pills or booze are not the answer. That is an old habit that needs to die.
You can do this!
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Avatar_f_tn
how did you know about that........
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Avatar_f_tn
who wants some 40 yr old with 6 kids.....and more
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340590_tn?1290955741
hopefully some 45 year old with no kids, a good job and a ton of money.  that wont touch drugs and dont drink a drop.

love ya
cathy
p. s. he needs to be really good looking too.
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352798_tn?1399301754
Don't even go there right now. suffice it to say that when the time comes. You will not have a problem.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey whats up with the no kids stuff? Kids are great!!!! I would not know what to do without my lil ones.... Lisa read the pm I sent please stop this while you can before it takes all of you. Mike
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352798_tn?1399301754
Oh and never divulge your age. You would pass for far younger. :)
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340590_tn?1290955741
mike, i was just kiddin withthe whole thing to make her smile.  i meant no kids for him cuz she has 6. lol    i love kids too.  thats why i am raising my grandbaby.
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Avatar_f_tn
omg...i have done so much to try and fix everything...some sweet angel paid my frickin gas bill...and HE wants to take my kids...I don't THINK SO...NO ******* WAY>>>>>
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480448_tn?1403547723
Hey there....sending my hugs.  I know it doesn't seem like it now....but really, it is the very BEST thing for your recovery, and your recovery is the very best thing for YOU and your beautiful children.

Hang tough, sweetie, just another bump in the road.

P

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Avatar_f_tn
I knew about it because first of all, remember when we talked everyday!! LOL
Also, you posted to Bobby about it the night she took off, remember?!?!?!?
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Avatar_f_tn
And what the heck do you mean who would want you?!?!?!?!?!?!

Come on!!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
sorry...i forgot..because i was so upset about bobby...i am an idiot
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352798_tn?1399301754
Lisa will need to know what resources are available to her. If he has left her. She is a single mom with 6 kids and NO income! Does anyone have the phone numbers that could help her?
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488766_tn?1306108769
You SURE DO deserve a guy WAY better than the one that walked out your door!  Maybe this is a way to usher in the perfect person or this guy would have draged you rite down that same road that he is going, i think as a guy he was embarresed of how great you ARE doing. I`m not the smartest and i`m not saying that it`s easy but you are going to be way better off.You have got what it takes we all here can see that    Jesus has already seen this and cares for you even more today than yesterday..............
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Avatar_f_tn
I am so sorry for letting you all down...but i will NOT go down without a fight..I might be all sweet and all..but you **** with my kids....and your gonna be sorry.
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488766_tn?1306108769
FLAT OUT !!!!!!!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
I am sorry...i have been down this stupid road before..an abusive ex..blah blah  and he tried to take my oldest kids away...DIDN"T WORK..but i was younger,not An addict and..i don't know....I have no family but my mother..I haven't talked to my dad since he said.."you might as well stay where you are...who's gonna want someone with 3 kids"..Well  I THOUGHT..i proved him wrong..
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484603_tn?1209510078
I'm so sorry your having such a hard time.  You've been so great to me I wish I was there for you.  Things only got better when my way more fiendish than me husband left. And your so beautiful, but I usually have way more fun single than married, but that's just me.  Did you get some antidepressants?   When I got out of my abusive relationship, I felt like everything was all my fault and it wasn't.  It took me along time to get back to that point where I realised I didn't cause or deserve that treatment. Do something nice for yourself, you do deserve it. Anyhow, I'm thinking of you.
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213991_tn?1214276619
Im sorry to hear what happend i truly am, i just got back home maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Kinda cliche but everything happens for a reason ... that help? probably not wish i could be there for you give u a hug or whatever you needed.
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Avatar_f_tn
dang...did I say 40....i meant 30...lol
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213991_tn?1214276619
:D
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401095_tn?1351395370
I am sorry....I can only wish you the best...and please try not to go down that dark road again...u have come so far
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176495_tn?1301284012
Lisa, my thoughts and prayers are with you..I can't add anymore than anyone else has said except to repeat "YOU ARE NOT A PIECE OF !@#!!..

you know you can't face this stuff on pills or booze..the problems are going to be there tomorrow..you goofed, you took the pills..that's understandable..tomorrow is a new day and time to face the issues.

we're behind you

Jim
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Avatar_f_tn
Your better off being alone than with someone your alone with.  I wouldn't worry so much right now about how your going to replace him.  You'll be fine.  You might not see it now, but you will in time.......trust me.

Luv,
Nauty..............
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Avatar_m_tn
I am new here, but when I was really crazy I will never forget you answered a post and got me through a little longer. I do not know your story but, STOP, REGROUP
and THINK. I have
been and will continue to pray for you!

From what I have read you can do this, hang on.
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Avatar_f_tn
Listen up sister.....you are strong, and you know it.  He wants you to fail.  I don't have the time to read all of these posts right now but I agree with Nauty, don't worry about the rebound man right now, worry about you and your kiddos....you are special, SO special....  remember...♥ ya!  hehe
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480448_tn?1403547723
Do you SEE how many people here believe in you?  If you would believe in yourself 1/4 as much as everyone else did.....you would be dancing on the table right about now!!!  :0)

Pfffttttttt.....so you took a few pills....let it go...put it out of your mind.  As far as you've come?  It aint no big thing.  Honestly.

Grab your boot straps, baby.... and PULL PULL PULL.  

I know it may not be what you want or need to hear right now...but your DH leaving will actually help you in the long run.  Think of how much more challenging recovery would have been with it right in front of you all the time?  And, financially...he is making it impossible for you.  Remember boiling the water.....and why you had to do that.

One day at a time, one minute at a time, one SECOND at a time if you have to!!!!!  OK?

You are soooo much stronger than you ever give yourself credit for.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Take a hot bubble bath and count all of your blessings.  

Ok, I'm done...no more cliches.  ;0)

Big squishy hugs to you.....
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Avatar_m_tn
I no u were joking cathy i was throwing some humor out there. Smiling does help as we all no I hate for you lisa to have this in your plate right now but like all say it will be better in the long run. Mike
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340590_tn?1290955741
i loves you mikey...and you too lisa.  those pills aint no big thang.  girl, get back in the saddle, you can do this and it will be easier now...well, it is never easy but at least there will be no pills within reach.
love
cathy
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Avatar_m_tn
read that post of mine cathy in my last reply input. Let u no what happened at dr. dont beat me up okay. I love you....
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Avatar_f_tn
ok....I have cried my stupid eyes out...i am DONE...no pills here..no vodka..I have had time to cry and act like an ???? and talked to a friend...thankyou by the way...and I know for right now..I am ok..i know i am not just looking for a "replacement"..point taken..i know you are right my friend..i have never been alone since i was 16...a little scary..even with an *******..got married at 16..I will be ok...i will i will i will..dang this is reminding me of that dorothy chick on the wizard of oz...ok different story...just call me ummm..whatever suits you..but i will be ok..**** this!!!..i can do it..right??
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Avatar_f_tn
yes you can my dear!   Remember what i told you at the beginning? Out do the SOB and make him look back and regret ever leaving your pretty @$$.  But Keep on walking....tall and proud!
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Avatar_m_tn
A couple of pills? So what!! Just leave them be. Don't put too much stock in a minor slip. As for your hubby... Matters of the heart... Wouldn't touch that, as my situation is similar, about 2 weeks older than than yours. Advice on that is useless, as it's much too personal an issue. I will say this; if it is a permanent break, then leave relationships alone for a good while, and concentrate on yourself & kids. Being alone is the only way that I could quit, given there was no understanding from my ex. Sounds like you have been living in an equally, if no more, unforgiving situation. As for the few pills, you did what you did, and it isn't a  big deal. I'm sure you will do well, considering the strength that you have and continue to exhibit.
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480035_tn?1222369764
damn, the stuff you miss just cuz i had to go to work, i always miss the heavy stuff
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm sorry you miss out but, thankyou cuz i just gotta laugh...feel like ****..but that there is funny....LOL
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Avatar_f_tn
thankyou so much for letting me go crazy..i know i am in good company..lol..I am really trying to geta grip..pi$$ed offness is setting in and i have my gloves on..what a rollercaster..dang,..He...as of 8pm  is still leaving and thats fine..for me....for my kids??not so fine. they love their dad and think he's the greatest..yes...through black eyes and all..I didn't let them ever think anything different.Mom hit the cupboard..whatever..is that right?? No..for them? yes......if i am crazy could someone just tell me now??? Mike?? I really hate to spend the $..
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464044_tn?1343705643
I just read your post and it broke my heart. You know you are not giving yourself the credit you deserve. So you took a few pills. Everyone does it eventually, and it's ok. We all know how strong you are and what a good person you are. I just told you how much I admire your strength. You have so much on your plate. How many of us would've crumbled under your pressure months ago??? I know I would have. And you are beautiful, and a good mom, and he WILL come crawling back when he realizes what he's done. And if he don't, it's meant to be. You know as well as I do that when one door closes another door will open. Now it's time to forget about the pills you took, don't take anymore, and stay strong for yourself and your kids. You can do it. We are all here for you, just like you're always there for all of us.
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480035_tn?1222369764
actually, and truthfully i just cant stand being leftout, thats why i love it here, dont got hit rewind or record, just schroll to get up on things.
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Avatar_f_tn
you know..i was determined to have a good day today..wtf? ok i will get past taking 4 stupid pills..i do not have any more as i said..I already know i could have gotten them everyday for the past almost 2 months..they are in my own frickin' house..i don't know what made the 4 from my friend so special..I really don't..they didn't help..accept for maybe the fact that i would have gotten vodka..I realize i still need to address some issues..but I am better off not drinking..cuz this italiangirl isn't a nice drinker..sooooo tomarrow is a new day..and i will deal with it when it gets here. thankyou all so much..life is such a ride...i'm ready to let someone else have a turn..
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480035_tn?1222369764
nah, you just need to get off that ole ridgid, and get onto a smooth rollin softail
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401095_tn?1351395370
u have had a rough time girl...from the get go...whats 4 pills...as long as u stop at that and dont resume using...for u it was probebly the better choice over the vodka from what u have said in the past....u resorted to old coping mechanisms for a sec....tomorrow is another day..a new day...a good day
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484378_tn?1209909492
Im sorry it took me so long to post...I had a day!!

Im sorry you have all this to bear along with the addiction part. We, as addicts, tend to jump to our "comfort zone" when things go bad...but thats not the answer, and we all know that. I can totally understand why you did it, but you cant beat yourself up about it, cuz that causes more depression...and more relapse. Just wipe yourself off, and tomorrow is a new clean day! =D
You can do this, and God is watching over you and will NEVER put you through more then you can handle...which means you are one strong woman!! Hugs
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree with lifesaride..a softail...yeahhhh..

to all- you are right..tomarrow is another day....it will be a clean day..might not be a good day, but i will do what i have to do. I sure am not wishing for a bad day..but I'll hope for the best..and pray for a softail...(sorry guys/girls) i need to have some humor right now..I really love to laugh..(yeah i know) hard to believe..but i really really do..I love you all and truly appreciate you all..the kindest,most caring people i know..♥
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491910_tn?1209369793
I'm so sorry to hear about that =( You're in my thoughts and prayers
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Avatar_f_tn
Lisa,
Don't let the stupid 4 pills get you down. I know that everything that happens is for a reason...at that time it doesn't seem that way but it really can all work out for the best in the end. God always provides and always answers prayers according to HIS will....not exactly what we want....but He knows what's best. If your hubby leaves and he doesn't want to get clean then that is for the best for you. As far as having never been alone (if i read that right) you may find (it could take awhile) that is far better to be alone and happy then in a bad relationship and unhappy, abused, ignored...whatever the case may be. I learned that the hard way. If you need to talk let me know!
Big hugs and I will keep you in my prayers!
JoAnn
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Avatar_f_tn
thankyou all...I am going to be ok...just had to pull it together..sooo thankyou all for helping me to do that..

HUGS TO ALL  xoxo
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406584_tn?1399591666
I'm sorry Lisa that all this is coming down on you all at once when it rains it pours. Your Hubby is a coward and in due time you will come to see that and thank your lucky stars. My heart goes out to your kids but at least they will not see the destruction of their Dad on a daily bases due to his active addiction and you being the nucleus of the family and the only one actively working to better it, he dose not have a chance against you...
As far as the slip mark it remember it and put thee devil behind thee and just move on a glitch nothing more. You are far from a piece of cr$p don't beat yourself up dose no good but waste energy. Tomorrow is a new day... Take care
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Avatar_n_tn
Reading your comments about your situation and reading people's answers is helping me right now.

I live in MA and am alone in NYC because I came to see a musical.

I take ambien and klonapin, which are prescribed, but am abusive. I got sober when I was 31, stayed sober 15 years, had med problems, got hooked on meds and have been abusive for about 10 years. The pills were a problem always, but when I drank, that was my drug of choice. So I went the AA route and now I need to get to NA.

So I can't sleep, as I have run out of meds and don't see my doctor, who knows I have issues and is helping me try to cope. I cannot be as honest with her yet as I can be here.

That is because you are so open and honest and people responding are non-judgmental and keep reinforcing you are NOT a piece of...... That is what I feel about myself, and I beat myself up regularly.

So I just pretended all those supportive responses were what people would say to me.

But right now my body is screaming out for a pill, and I don't have one, and I am not even home.

But your story made me realize that my suffering is not unique. I do well for periods of time, then get stressed out and start abusing again.

And my issues are nothing compared to yours. I need to cope, but I also need to admit I need help.

Hang in there, and what someone said about other relationships....that is so true, esp. if you have not been alone since you were 16. I am 57 and got divorced from someone who I drank with since I was 18 and married. I continued to drink for 4 years after the divorce, until I realized that replacing him wasn't going to help me.

But anyway, thank all of you for making things like this forum. When I got sober, there was nothing like this. It was good I went to lots of meetings. But sometimes it is hard to go to that first mtg.

I am just babbling because I am all stressed, but anyway, wanted to post and at least let you know that your sharing is helping me.

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Avatar_f_tn
addie loves u im withdrawin ! a bunch of prayers 4 u sweetie!
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Avatar_m_tn
Oh boy...this is a tough one. 50 days clean and you took 4 little nothing pills sweety. Its not a set back, yes you took them in the face of stress and extreme situation. I would have drank personally so it would make me sick and teach me a lesson. But so what sadi...look wtf it took for you to go that route. Umm most people would have cracked long ago with what you been through hun. And i dont sugar coat as you know ;) I see your pic and if you think no one would want you...you are very mistaken. Theres nothing wrong with you, you dont look your age. Your cute as ****. You have raised 6 kids, battled almost life long addiction and still made it this far, do you know many others who can even relate. Most cant fathom what you been through. I dont want to hear you feeling sorry for yourself or mistakes you made...there lessons and you learn from them.

You dont give yourself any credit, you need to start loving you sadi, you have to start at ground zero...YOU!!!!  I cant even comprehend what kind of man would do something like this, hes lucky im not a close friend with access to you him because i would teach him a life lesson he will never forget. Im disgusted, if you were mine i would be so proud of you and support you 100% and never let you forget how far you come and how far you can go. I would also have quit with you and fought with you until the end.

People dont relize just what we are truly capable of, i think you will find out soon enough. Your gonna pick yourself up, wipe off the dirt, and walk right through fire as you have been since you were 13. No poor "me"  its poor him and everyone else who gets in your way. Steam roll right over it and move on. God im pissed and not at you, im pissed that a human and a man at that who claims to love and care could do this at this time in your life. If you need ANYTHING, ask.

Mike

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352798_tn?1399301754
Very well said!
She is a gem in so many ways.
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Avatar_f_tn
Lisa! Im so sorry this is all happening to you. im also sorry i didnt see this post till now. I started back to work yesterday and havent been able to get on the forum much at all. But i wanted you to know that i am praying for you and you are in my heart and mind today. and look!!  You got me to post!!! you know how hard it is for me but i did it for you girl!!! im going to get back to you today in a pm but want you to know how much i care and girl you are awesome ...if your hubby can walk out on a woman like you at this time in your life when he should be standing at your side walking with you then he does not deserve you and i truly feel you will  be happier and better off without him. You deserve better then that. You are a amazing woman and mother. You stand tall and be proud of yourself, You have come a long way and accomplished so much girl! You keep on keeping on and dont let nothing or noone bring you down..youve worked far to hard. Love and prayers to you lisa! Lori XXXOO
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Avatar_n_tn
are you kidding? id kill for a woman like you! if  my wife keeps going,i will drive to mich. just to see you! im too shy of a guy to do much more but trust me...you will do fine...your beautiful and i can tell all the way from california that you have integraty and a heart of gold! good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
What did your husband say?  Did he say I'm a drug addict and I don't like the fact you are recovering or what? This probably won't make you feel any better but if that's the kind of person he is your marriage may not have worked anyway even if he wasn't a drug addict.

So what do you do now?? You start to plan a life without him and without drugs. Since he threatened to take the kids I would also think of getting legal help. I know this was the last thing you needed at this stage of the game but it's important to stay clean for more reasons than I can list.

God Bless,

Dove
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Avatar_f_tn
Thankyou guys/girls soooooo much..I have been off here all day..but was o the phone with my good friend all long time..Really was nice talking..thankyou..

Puranx-thanks a whole lot for what you wrote..you are right.

betsy- this is why i posted..well to help me but I know i am not the only one..if you ever want to talk..please let me know.

mshovel-thankyou very much.let me know..lol

gtmi-you know i love ya lots.

i don't mean to leave anyone else out because I appreciate you all so much..I have picked my a$$ up and am back in the saddle..Considering i would have already taken 700 PILLS...700!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will not let those 4..mess me up. Thankyou again all..Just wanted you to know I am still on board..and clean!!

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401095_tn?1351395370
Sad...i am glad...rhymes  LOL...stay strong girl...good friends are great to have in times like this...hang in there
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Avatar_f_tn
thankyou- you have been an awesome friend and you are always there for everyone.Thankyou.
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Avatar_n_tn
Well it sounds like your not recovering anymore.  if your husband is using, you dont need him.  Children dont need drug addict parents.  Your better off without him but you have to get clean and stay clean.  Get into a program and go to daily NA meetings, get a sponser, get a counselor, and if necessary go to an in home treatment center.  Eventually you could lose your kids if your addicted to drugs.  
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Aug 28 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
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