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186166 tn?1385259382

the ones who love you...

i'm posting this as a reminder of how your addiction affects the ppl that love you...we suffer beyond belief.

my son, christian, is a crystal meth addict and has been for around 10 years.  two years ago, this march, he was diagnosed with hiv.  i had such hopes that maybe "this" would be the thing that made him want to clean up his act.  it wasnt ! ! !  he has continued to use...his marriage is over...and he just got out of jail two weeks ago.  he is facing "life"...as this is his third (or fourth) distribution charge.

i'm sooooooooooooo over supporting his addiction and have been for quite some time.  i know that i cant do anything about it...and that i cannot change him.  that breaks my heart...but it is the reality of the situation.

i found out last night that he has now progressed...in the two weeks since getting out of jail...to "shooting up" meth.  now...instead of my heart being broken...it is shattered into a million little pieces.  this is NOT the dream that i had for my son.  

THIS IS NOT THE DREAM I HAD FOR "MY" LIFE ! ! ! ! !

this post is not a sympathy post...been there...done that.  i am just begging you to open your eyes to how your addiction affects your family and those around you.  stop being so damned selfish...that high is not worth what you are doing to others.  we're supposed to love you, support you, always be there for you..."understand" your addiction and what you're going through.  do YOU love US enough to seek help?

i will continue to not only pray for my son...but for anyone and everyone that is in active addiction.  i pray for courage, strength, and above all honesty.  

kim
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186166 tn?1385259382
BRAVO ! ! !   i love nothing more than to hear one's honesty about their addiction.  my hat's off to you :)
Helpful - 0
214607 tn?1287677559
You completely just summed up what I was trying to say. In no way was I trying to be mean to act like I was not selfish when using, sure I was. I didn't pay my bills, I isolated myself, I couldn't do anything at all while in w.d. ALL of the above, selfish...But it wasn't with malicious intent to hurt anyone. I could care less about the damage I was doing to myself let alone those around me. I lost my husband and just didn't care. Once you are physically and mentally addicted, its an entirely different ball game. And only those who have been there and felt it, can truly understand what its like.

Just as I said before in a diff post. Both my parents were addicts and both died from their addictions. My mom when I was 11 and my dad when I was 18. I hated and resented them for the life me and my brother had to live. For being split up and moved from foster home to foster home before we were sent to live with grandparents and an uncle in another state. We were left alone for days with no food no money..it was a nightmare and I hated them for it. I have since forgiven them both as now I know what it was like. Do I think they were wrong and selfish....absolutely!!! DO I think they put their addictions before their children...h e l l s yeah...but I also know now that they weren't themselves and they were completely lost and trapped, just like I was when my husband died and my usage escalated to severly high amounts....
Helpful - 0
222369 tn?1274474635
Oh, I agree totally. I wasn't disagreeing with your point of view at all, dear. I think in the beginnings of addiction, we're a bit conscious of what we're doing. But, it quickly gets to a point of where we know, but don't care. We all think these pills give us focus, or energy, or stamina. What they do is dull every emotion we seem to have. It's hard to care when we have no feelings of caring. That's why the emotional side of this is so bad...we have an instantaneous rush of emotions that we haven't dealt with in ever how many years our addiction has been alive.
Helpful - 0
214607 tn?1287677559
I totally agree with you. I think I was selfish when I was using, but I also think I wasn't thinking about what was happening to everyone around me. I am not a good example as no one knew and still knows nothing of my past active addiction. But for people struggling now or whatever the case, they aren't worried about those around them...I mean, Geez...they don't care about themselves let alone everyone around them. This is all I mean by what I said..
Helpful - 0
222369 tn?1274474635
If I had to put the word "addiction" into just one emotion it would be "selfish". We, as addicts, are only interested in our feelings, our hurt, our pain. We never think of those others we're hurting. It's something I'm having to deal with daily.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Although it makes me sad to see the ones here , that we hurt, and that are on the other side of addiction.. But I for one appriciate that those of you can come here and share your feelings, stories, struggles etc....It definetly is a reality check for me, and the damage i may have caused my loved ones...We ( as addicts) need to be reminded of this selfish **** we do to others....

I know you , and I know you don't hold back when it comes to this...And i just wanted to thank you for reminding us of this...It does not hurt my feelings, instead it makes me keep fighting...
Love you dearly!!
r2r
Helpful - 0
214607 tn?1287677559
I strongly disagree. I didn't use to hurt anyone nor did I want to hurt anyone when I did use. Both my parents and my husband died from their addiction and I don't think not one of them said to themselves " I am going to see how much I can hurt lisa by dying".

That is now what happens when you are addicted. Your not thinking of the people you are hurting. I can't imagine what it would be like to see my child addicted and how that would hurt me. However, having been an addict myself, I would understand better.

I am not at all saying that the torture you go through and the torture many have gone through that have watched a love one throw their life away is ok, not at all. Lizzie, I cannot imaging what you went through or go through and my heart goes out to you, but you also don't know what its like to be an addict. I think there are degrees of addiction, so don't categorize ALL addicts as the same.
Helpful - 0
611067 tn?1458591483
WOW!  What a fabulous post.  You sound like you've gone through the ringer with your son.  Sounds like you've been so loving and supportive.  I'm so sorry your son is now in this situation.  

Thank you for the reminder that our families suffer just as much and sometimes more (if we're off in a high somewhere) worrying over us.  

I hope this helps others get themselves in check and remember their families and friends who love them and want to watch them succeed!  

Lots of love and hugs,
Janet
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am no professional, but it sounds like he has made a choice to put an end to his life.
My guess is he is not looking forward to what a life sentence in prison is going to be like.
Perhaps shooting up meth is the way he is trying to get out of this life here on earth.
Or, maybe he has gone to shooting up so he can get that last "high".  Either way, as a mom, I am so sorry you have to go through this.  I know you did everything you could to get him on the right path.  Sometimes we have to hope that we have given them all we could so they will leave the nest and fly right.
God Bless you and your son.

p.s. I know this may sound harsh, but if he is in prison, he will at least be safe for the most part from the drugs.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you for putting this up there. We have had no right to do some of the things we did to those we love, it's not fair and addiction can cripple families. You really must be one of the strongest women here cause you kept fighting for your boys all this time. Im sorry for the pain addition and selfishness has caused you:(
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I AGREE!  I'm 33 and I'm done none is worse than another it's all addiction and it hurts everyone. I hope what you wrote will be a testimony to someone really struggling. God works in mysterious ways and if just 1 person can be helped that is what matters, thanks for sharing. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.   Beth
Helpful - 0
340590 tn?1290952141
lizzie, thanks for the reminder....addiction is soo hard on the ones that love us...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Right on!  

I couldn't say it better myself.

We are suppose to constantly be supportive and understanding and sacrifice everything that matter to us for the addict.  

Yet, addicts are typically the most selfish people (by their own account...don't yell at me...every addict tells me the selfishness of the addiction).

I am not gonna go on and on.  You are so right and i agree with u 1 million percent.

I am sorry about your son though.  That is rough.

Just want to let u know u are not alone!
Helpful - 0
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