this is a fight for me right now

[onthefence]

well here i am with some clean time under my belt , gone throught this long journey and somthing has snapped, i am white knuckling it, i Hate doin that, , i am angry , sad have a whole lot of self defeating pride, and right now this disease is tellin me , why not, go get a drink , and i know what will come after that, drugs, cuz nothing is enough!
my color was called today so i could probably get away with it cuz the whole town including the court and treatment court knows i am burying my son on wednes day and i dout they will call my color til next week, hell i havent had one dirty ua since i was realesed 10 months ago so i am almosty out of dui- drug court. Maybe i should be journaling this idunno, all this time on here since 08 and i still dont use this place like i should , hell never did too much stupid pride to ask for help.well i am doin this cuz i dont want to go drink, its 14 degrees it snowed for first time of year i feel pissed off at the world and i dont like it! self pity or sadness over my sons suicide , i dont know, i think the shock faze has worn off, i am tired of my work thinking i am super human, cuz there aint enough ppl to fill the jobs here, i have to be back in 9 hrs and i just left the job. but they did give me wed, off for my sons memorial woo hoo,.. but i am the one that said oh i need to work right now , whats wrong with me,
man i just want to have a drink and listen to some depressing music. trigger after trigger...

but i am writing on here instead  , i guess my question is what can i do to change my thinking, i have tried, calling freinds in aa, active relaxation, calmscene relaxation , i know i am extremely tired and have anxiety about having to be back at work in the early morning, but cant sleep, am craving sedatives..... i have doxycylamine and liquid melotonin , i dont like to take the antihistamine, but maybe i should tonight, i take the melatonin every night, cuz of my early work sched. i dont think its workin as good.
my wife will be home soon but i know she is barely hangin on and woul;d love to get us a 12 pack.
i have to go minute by minute right now , .... im crawling back to start....

[nursegirl6572]

I'm repeating this from sarah.....some powerful words there buddy!

"All i do know is your son's death is still no reason to use.  Using will not change the situation, only add more misery and pain.  At some point you can turn this horrible tragedy into something positive,  Become your son's voice about suicide and alcohol.  So many are suffering with this but you have to keep yourself clean first.  Schools are having speakers all the time discussing these tragic events.  Please stay close to your loved ones and keep reaching out."

What a better way to honor your son's memory than to become an advocate?  Even if you save ONE young person from going down the same path, what a blessing.

First, you have to get through the next few days, which are going to be torturous.  I cannot imagine losing a child.  You are feeling SO many emotions, and of course, the knee jerk reaction is to numb the pain, right?  But, like DS said, that will NOT help you in the end, and will actually make you feel worse.  Honor your son and his memory by going through this process with a clear mind and heart.  

Keep talking, go to meetings, and most importantly, let yourself grieve, let yourself FEEL.  It's going to hurt like hell, but your son deserves for you to feel your way through this, and not try to numb yourself.  

My thoughts and prayers are with you both.  How's your wife holding up?

[dominosarah]

I cant imagine the pain you are going thru Trev.  All i do know is your son's death is still no reason to use.  Using will not change the situation, only add more misery and pain.  At some point you can turn this horrible tragedy into something positive,  Become your son's voice about suicide and alcohol.  So many are suffering with this but you have to keep yourself clean first.  Schools are having speakers all the time discussing these tragic events.  Please stay close to your loved ones and keep reaching out.

You and i have bumped heads in the past but i always told you i appreciated you and your honesty and i still feel that way.  You stay honest with yourself Trev.  Sending you and Gail some strength and comforting hugs~

[10356]

Trevor I have to agree with Motye You and Gail need to get to a meeting. Are there anymore then the one you go too ? I know it is a small town.  Even if you have to walk into a church to speak with someone. If you drink Trev you will not stop you will go to Jail our you will Die then Gail would be burying another man I see it as alcohol killed your son ! He never would have done that if he was not so wasted I just do not see it.. Do not give in to the poison that took your son.. So many peps know what you are going thru If you would just reach out.. If you have anybody's number that you can call and speak with them ? It is difficult to be alone at home I know. I hope Gail's home and that you two find a way to get thru this without Alcohol and drugs You just have to Trev I do not want to loose you and I know those that love you do not...

[luvdolphins58]

All i can say I'm extremely sorry about your son. No i don't know how u feel nor do i want find out. But just know my heart feels like its breaking for u.  When I'm not sure what to do no where to turn is when i get on my knees and pray. Which I'm doing that right now foe u. Peace comfort and God love and hugs with you right now. Thank u Jesus for hearing and answering r prays.

[motye51]

No, no, no!!!! If your in drug court dont they require n/a or a/a mtgs??? What your feeling right now seems totallt normal seeing as your burying your child and i can not express enough sorrow for you, your wife and your family! I cant and wont even attempt to know what it feels like and i am so very sorry. But dont dishonor your child by using!
GO TO A MEETING....RIGHT NOW!!! Thats what they're for!!!! Ask for help, dammit! We have to put our pride aside...