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this is extremely hard....
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this is extremely hard....

Ok, so I've read a lot of these posts and the support that y'all show for each other is mind blowing. I think its amazing that complete strangers come together for each other but I think thats what we addicts do. We want to do something with all the pain and heartache that we have been through so we reach out and try and help others get through what we have been through. So here's my problem. I am addicted to opiates, hydrocodone to be exact. I can take 20 10/325's in one day without even blinking and eye. I would take way more if I could get my hands on them. Sound familiar to anyone? Well I have decided that I cant live like this anymore. If it's not one drug, its another. I've been an addict for soooo long now that I dont even know what its like to live a sober life and thats scary. What if im not good at it??? Thats not my problem though. My problem is, I haven't taken but one hydrocodone in 6 days and that one was Saturday, it is now Tuesday. That is HUGE for me!! My dealer even came by last night to GIVE me some and I sent him away but now I am wanting to call him and say plz plz come on over. I dont want to do that!! Also, I take care of my hypochondriac mother who is on them and all she talks about is how bad she feels!! Which makez me feel even worse than I really do, u know? She has me get her meds for her and that is hard to dk when u r trying to recover.  I have told her what I am going through and that I need her to understand I cant dk this without her changing too. I cant hear how bad she feels all the time because it makes my mind scream even louder than it already does. I am on Kratom to help me through the withdrawal process but when im around her, even the Kratom doesn't help. I cant stop taking care of her because no one else will do it. This is MY job. She is MY responsibility. Yes she is a hypochondriac,  but she is also sick to a point and really cant take care of herself. She is 100 percent disabled which is why she is on the hydrocodone in the first place but the doctor has cut her back and she has me go get her extra when she gets close to running out even though she knows the battle I am fighting. I just need support and advice on how to not break down and call my dealer. I just need someone to say, u can do this cherry, even in the situation u r in. I cant leave her but I dont know how to hang on to this thread of sobriety that I have so far. Can I really do this?? And what is life really gonna be like outside of being an addict?? Is there really happiness or is it going to be a struggle for the rest of my life? There is so much more to my story but its such a long long story tbat im sure no one really wants to hear. One thing at a time, right? I am reading the Life Recovery Bible and yes, God has helped me so much. I just need a little outside help. Just a little support and a few words of understanding. Thank y'all to whoever has read this. I appreciate even that. ♡
8 Comments Post a Comment
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6463448_tn?1405130767
Hi Cherry and welcome. I'm so glad you posted today instead of calling your dealer! Whew good job! As you know, we've all been there. No matter what, just stay here posting with us today, and JUST DONT USE. By doing that one thing, you will win the battle, Just For Today.  
So you have a lot going on, and certainly that will come into play over the coming months. But for today, just concentrate on getting through this first critical week of detox. Congratulations on 3 days girl! And sending your dealer with the FREE pills away last night is HUGE and tells me that you really really want to do this! You know, this week is going to pass
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6463448_tn?1405130767
Oops, hit the button!  Anyway, this week will pass and you will be in a better place than you are if you don't use! Yes it is possible, it is wonderful, it is hard, and it is SO worth it! You are worth it!  So embrace the work and let's get started!
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8976007_tn?1400955760
i also commend you for coming here BEFORE getting more pills.

a little more info will help us, help you.

are you being prescribed them yourself??
do you live in pain or have pain?
do you take your mom's pills too?

can your mom have her script mailed to her instead of you having to pick it up?
can she get a lock box or safe to keep her meds in so they are out of your reach??

if your mom is running out because you are taking some, then she should not run out if you stop taking them.
if she runs out by herself, maybe talk to her doctor about it and maybe she can be put on something else??  opiates are not good for chronic pain anyway, actually makes it worse long term.

lay down the law-- you will NOT pick up her script, you will NOT get her more if she runs out, you WILL not be around to help her unless she locks up her meds.
she may need help, but not at the expense your sobriety.

yes, there is a life without pills.  a much less stressful life.  a life without watching the clock, counting pills, worrying about getting them, worrying about running out, etc.
you will actually just enjoy life without all the chaos.  

welcome to MH
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Avatar_f_tn
Didn't call my dealer.  As a matter of fact, yet another one came by a little while ago and I hid in the bathroom like I was hiding from the boogeyman. But this addiction is my boogeyman and all the dealers that come with it. Thank u msdelight and jinx_777 for the support and kind words. I will answer ur questions jinx_777 as soon as I get a chance. As soon as I sat down to write the answers, person after person has come over. No more dealers as of yet since I hid in the bathroom. 2 of my daughter's live with me.  One 18 and one 17 and they have a ton of friends that love to hang out here lol. Which is another reason why its so hard to get clean when u have a house full of kids that dont understand why I dont feel up to company. My kids know a little about what im going through but their friends dont and they come from such broken homes that I can't send them away. They have moms who yell and scream at them and they just want to be with a mom figure who truly loves them. A lot of them have lost moms so I am "mom" to so many of them. This helps but also makes it hard at the same time. I will try to post more later.
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Avatar_f_tn
What is it about them dealers?? Lol....I used to swear they were psychic and just knew I was quiting....but really that's not it...we support them.  Were their job.. And when we stop so does their money and they are worst off then we are...that makes me smile, cause I ain't supporting them no more.. Gave me the courage when I wanted to break down and buy....

You can do this, you are doing it right now....this is how we all got clean and sober...one day at a time. I think most of us hid out....you have to quit the dealers too...block numbers, Names, etc... It's just the way it is....as for your mom, can you put some headphones in??  Just thinking out loud...to ignore her complaints.  And she might need to reconsider her meds too...opiods just aren't good for chronic pain. Makes the pain worst.  

You can do this
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi welcome. I'm 13 days today off hydrocodone & methadone. I would not have made 1 hour without the people on this site. You can do this. Everything they've told you do. Go to AA or NA. Get a support group of women you can call. You need some support. This is to hard to do by yourself with drugs in the house, drug dealers knocking on your door.
Your going to have to take some action quick.
If you want this please, please, please keep connected to everyone on this site. They give me so much hope.
GOD bless you for wanting some relief. It's available we promise.
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Avatar_f_tn
Y'all r all so wonderful and I am so greatful I found y'all. As fo NA/AA, its nothing but a joke around here and the closest towns too. I have tried going and people r in the bathroom shooting up. Its sickening and disheartening. They r all there because they r court ordered to be there, not because they really want help. My town is very small and so r the surrounding towns. Its all just a big joke to them which really hurts the people, like me, who need the outside help. I honestly don't know how I got off the meth in this town and how I stay off of it. Drugs r EVERYWHERE. I have stayed secluded since getting off the meth. I have no friends because there honestly isnt anyone who isnt on some kind of a drug or another. But I cant leave because my mom is here. Who will take care of her?? Honestly, no one can deal with her, which is why it has fallen to me. The family lives far away and refuses to understand how much she is bringing me down. I am the one who suggested she get a safe and lock her meds up, not because I would steal them or anything but because, I dont want to be accessed of it. She is very abusive even with me at the age of 37. Shes a HUGE bully. I hate to say that about her, but it is true and when she runs out of meds she blames me or an imaginary man she thinks has the key to her apartment, even thougb the locks have been changed 3 times. I also REFUSE to have the combination to her safe because I know what she wants. To blame me. Its such a horrible situation.  Like I said, so much more to this story. No I dont get a scrip but when u have a cute face u dont need one in this town :( people tend to want to load u up on any drug and Ive never really had to pay a whole lot. Which worked out cause I only make $200 a month. But that $200 was feeding a 20 pill a day addiction. I know my mother is A LOT of my problem and I know I need to cut ties for a while til I can get myself taken care of, I just dont know how to do that. I have literally spent my whole life taking care of everybody else, especially my mother, that I honestly don't know anything else. Im sorry. I think I may be rambling.  There is just so much to tell that I need all this advice to. I knlw I need a shrink but guess what, no insurance, and no place around here that does it for free. Just thank y'all so mich for listening to my ramblings. I will post more tomorrow. But another day without hydrocodone today and that is a step in the direction I am trying to run to. By the way, will these muscle aches pass? I feel like ive ran a marathon these last six days and it doesn't seem to be easing up. I know I am gonna have some pain, its the woman issues im afraid of dealing with. Those hurt so bad I become incapacitated for days. Sometimes even taking 5-6 10/325 at a time wouldn't help. I guess I need to cross that bridge when I come to it. Im sorry for all the scattered info. I really am. Thanm y'all so so much for all y'all's support. I will be praying fo each and every one of u!! God bless us tonight and plz Jesus, hell tomorrow to be a better day for us all. Amen.
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1926359_tn?1331591739
Woah girl you ARE in a tough spot.  With that comes tough choices.  All I can say is this-
The only thing you have ANY control over is your own choices.
I know it seems so overwhelming right now and you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Getting clean and staying clean feels impossible when you are surrounded by drugs and dealers at every turn.
I'm gonna say something harsh here, okay?
Just because she is your mother and she is disabled does NOT mean that she is your responsibility.  It does not give her the right to bully you, or keep you complacent in addiction, or prevent you from living a real life.
There are care facilities, there are private home nurses.
Maybe this has all fallen on your shoulders because YOU are the one that is stepping up to take responsibility.
What would happen if you didn't?
Would someone else step in?  I'm guessing yes.
You have to look at this as life or death because IT IS.  YOUR LIFE or death.  Do you really want to live your life a slave to these pills, hiding from dealers, surrounded by addicts?
SOUNDS TERRIBLE ):
You always have a choice.
Think about your teenage daughters and what they deserve.  The role model you could be by rescuing yourself and getting the F*ck out of there.
Is it impossible to be clean when surrounded by users?  No.  But it is really, really hard.
I can tell you're a tough cookie from your story.  I just want you to think real hard about what you want YOUR life to look like and then come up with a plan to make it so.
One step at a time.
Just think about it.
We will all be here to support you...
Peace,
Lu
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